My name is Ed Mountaineer and I hereby offer my soul to Corporate America if they will accept it. I pledge to talk about, reference, and draw all conversation I have in the future to advertise and support products or services for whoever pays me. Let me give you some example scenarios below.
SCENARIO ONE: TACO TRIUMPH. Let’s say Taco Bell gives me an exclusive contract to be their on the ground ambassador and mouthpiece. Every conversation I enter into for the extent of our contract will have to mention Taco Bell favorably in some way. See the following possible interaction:
MY BOSS: Hi, Ed. Looks like you’re late for work today.
ME: Sorry. I was at Taco Bell and the line was a little long because everyone is so excited about the new breakfast menu.
MY BOSS: That’s not a good excuse for being late, Ed.
ME: I should mention that even though the line was long, it went really fast, because the Taco Bell crew members work as a team and efficiently deliver your order to you in no time.
SCENARIO TWO: TOURIST TRAP. Pick a country. Any crappy country. Now imagine their tourism industry explode because someone like me is spending all his time talking about how awesome it is to visit. Cue interaction:
BRENDA (Woman at work I can’t stand): Hey, Ed. It looks like you didn’t do any of the reports I asked you to complete. Did you forget?
ME: Oh, I guess I did. I’ve been dreaming a lot lately of traveling to Azerbaijan. Did you know how easy it is to get a visa to go there? You can do it online.
BRENDA: We have a meeting in five minutes, Ed. You were supposed to do these reports, and…
ME: One of the coolest places in Azerbaijan is Zorge park, with a huge monument to the super spy, Richard Zorge.
BRENDA (Fumbling through the meaningless papers for her presentation): Maybe we can talk about this later, Ed. I’m really upset with you.
ME: Zorge was a hero, Brenda. He fucked up Hitler. Doesn’t that matter to you?
BRENDA: What’s going on with you, Ed?
ME: I guess you love Hitler, Brenda. Hey, everyone. Brenda thinks Hitler is great!
BRENDA: Stop shouting. Please…
ME: Will you look at the travel Azerbaijan Website with me?
BRENDA (Finally giving into the charms and allure of Azerbaijan): Sure. Whatever. Just stop.
SCENARIO THREE: AMAZON WARRIOR. Yes, Amazon is a huge company, and why would they need any help from little old me? Answer: until Amazon can dominate every aspect of our lives, they aren’t living up to their potential. Enter me. Now check out what I could do, below:
ME: Thanks for inviting me to your barbeque, Mike Amazon.
MIKE: Sure… Did you just call me Mike Amazon?
ME: Where did you get this food and all the other shit?
MIKE: Other shit?
ME: I’m just saying, you could have ordered all this from Amazon. And it would have been better than the shit you have.
MIKE: You don’t like the food?
ME: I don’t like anything that didn’t come from Amazon.
MIKE (Confused but beginning to understand how great Amazon is): Well, nice to see you, Ed. I’m going to talk to some of the other guests now.
ME: No problem. Just admit that Amazon is the best and kneel before them or him or whatever they are!
MIKE: Please let go of me.
Anyway, you get the picture, Corporate America. So please get your offers into me as soon as possible at email@example.com. And please remember this is kind of a first come first served thing. I can’t do Burger King and McDonalds at the same time, okay?
Hobbies. You do them. So do amazingly rich people. The difference? You make model airplanes and hunt squirrels. They make their butlers fight each other. How do we know? Every year, the Intergalactic Business Report delves deep into the lives of the ultra wealthy to see how they live, love, and whatever else they do.
Want to know more? Then read our exclusive list of the most popular hobbies for the super wealthy in 2019.
2019 most popular hobbies of the ultra-rich:
1. Hiring poor people to read them the Forbe’s most wealthy list, the Great Gatsby, and the autobiography of Ted Dibiase, the million dollar man.
2. Giraffe jousting.
3. Butler races.
4. Grey Poupon Jerk offs.
5. “Pimp my 14th home’s pool cabana” contests.
6. Real life games of “Battleship,” where servants sit in boats as wealthy people shoot torpedoes at them.
7. Choosing random neighborhoods and ending Christmas for the inhabitants by using political connections to quarantine them, collecting all their “infected” decorations, and then forbidding them to exchange gifts as part of a vague “health concern.”
8. Buying country clubs, briefly turning them into bordellos, and then giving them back. Then eating dinner at the country club and whispering to people, “Did you know this place used to be a whore house?”
9. Making it both literally and figuratively “rain” by bringing strippers to the desert and dropping millions of one dollar bills on them from helicopters.
10. Melting Yeezys and then recycling them as New Balance shoes someone’s dad would wear.