It was only a matter of time before corporations paid writers to produce children’s books that were sympathetic to their world-view, and in recent years several authors have quietly written several books that are considered corporate kids and young adult fiction masterpieces.
The Intergalactic Business Report read them all and gives you summaries. Enjoy.
Red Rover, Don’t Come Over, by Steve Droodle. Communist villain Brett Ruben has designed a robot dog who teaches neighborhood children Marxist principles by redistributing their candy and having all races and games end in a tie. When parents find out, they are terrified but fear it may be too late because Red Rover has been working on the kids so long that they are beginning to espouse ideas about workers’ rights and nationalization of businesses. Steve Droodle (the name of both the author and the hero) must fight Red Rover, defeat him, and then humiliate and publicly execute Brett Ruben, showing the children that communism doesn’t pay off in the end.
The Adventures of Junior Detective Eddie Freeland, book one: The case of the Old Lunch Lady. This series features ten-year-old Eddie Freeland, who solves mysteries at his elementary school. In book one, Eddie tackles the problem of the cafeteria food being served too slowly. It’s a true mystery till Eddie finds out that the lunch lady is past the retirement age even though she keeps working. Will Eddie be able to convince the principal to phase her out and hire a younger lunch lady who is not benefits-eligible? And will evil lawyer Wayne Trotsky step in with an age discrimination lawsuit designed to hamper the school’s growth?
Anna and the Troll Boys, by Hakeem Allerday. Anna is a bright and beautiful high school student who aspires to go to college at a fictional university where there are no hippies. Unfortunately, a group of young men nicknamed the Troll Boys tempt her into wearing tie dyes and riding around with them in a bio diesel bus. Will Anna get her shit together and contribute to society, or will she wallow in the Troll Boys’ world of permanent adolescence and total bullshit?
The Year They Cancelled Prom, by Brooke Dehanerford. In this sequel to “The year they cancelled the football team,” exiled Guevara High School cheerleader Daria Van Storm must fight the administration to keep prom from being cancelled along with all the other traditional American activities that villainous Vice-Principal Alan Mitterrand has systematically eliminated.
Puppies and Poopies by Father Michael Aurelio. This picture book for ages 2-6 is about a farm where some puppies work all day and others, called poopies, just lie around. Although farmer Freeman doesn’t want to do it, the poopies force his hand with their laziness and he has to “phase them out” of the farm. When they’re finally gone, the remaining, hard-working puppies get a pay cut and are asked to work extra hours.
Lay-off Larry and the Golden Parachute, by Bing Deralius. This entry from the popular Lay-off Larry series, centers around magic schoolboy Larry Gompers, who has the supernatural ability to lay off workers anywhere in the world and at any range. Because of his powerful gifts, he is taken to a special school in another dimension, where he is taught to hone his skills so that one day he may be able to lay off all the workers on the planet and replace them with unskilled laborers from other universes. But in the meantime, Larry must go on a quest for the mythical Golden Parachute, a magical object made of gold thread, which allows CEOs to bail out of companies while taking all of their and everyone else’s money with them. Will little Larry fulfill this quest, or will the evil demon Socialist Lou and his zombie brigades of union thugs annihilate him first?
You may have seen a celebrity roast where pretty famous people are ridiculed by less famous people on t.v. and then everyone kind of laughs. What you’ve probably never seen are the untelevised roasts for extremely minor celebrities.
Now the Intergalactic Business Report gives you the very worst jokes from these hard to find and see events.
WORST JOKE ONE (from the roast of Flo from Progressive): “Hey, Flo. I also have a choose your own price tool. It’s called my penis.”
WORST JOKE TWO (from the roast of Jared from Subway): “Hey, Jared, your name sounds like you’re a child molester.”
WORST JOKE THREE (from the roast of that guy from that thing): “I’m just going to come out and say it—that thing you’re in sucks.”
WORST JOKE FOUR (from the roast of the guy from the meme where he’s checking out that girl and his girlfriend is pissed): “My question is, why is your girlfriend so pissed off? It’s not like she’s really your girlfriend. She’s just a model who posed with you for a stock photo.”
WORST JOKE FIVE (from the roast of Jeff Penisface): “Jeff’s last name sounds like a face with a dick on it or a face that looks like a dick. Either way, it’s a stupid last name.”
WORST JOKE SIX (from the roast of that actor from the boner pill commercial): “Everyone must ask you, do you really use Cyalis because you can’t get an erection? Or do you pretend to use it because they paid you money to be in a commercial?”
WORST JOKE SEVEN (from the roast of the hair model from the package of hair dye at that one supermarket): “Are all hair models crazy? Because you look crazy and so do all the other people on those hair dye boxes.”
WORST JOKE EIGHT (from the roast of minor league mascot Droddy the Penguin): “Do penguins have balls? Cause I’m looking at you and you don’t look like you have any. Any balls.”
WORST JOKE NINE (from the roast of the Hamburgler): “Why haven’t we seen you on t.v. in like twenty years? Answer: because you’re a child molester, like Jared from Subway.”
Ever have a friend tell you about some movie you just need to watch because it’s so important/awesome/life-changing? Do you sit there nodding your head while he/she keeps talking about it till you say, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll go see it,” but they keep talking about it anyway? Next time, be armed with your own obscure list of films no one’s ever heard of. Here’s seven of them, plots included:
1. Wickersham. This is the true story of Henry Wickersham, a nineteenth century inventor who became the world’s first astronaut, because he spelled it “ass” tronaut, and it meant, at that time, to simply be really into anal sex.
2. Watch out! Boris Netaly’s first feature film about a boy who throws objects at people’s heads, this black and white feature has no speaking roles – only the sounds of anguish as random men and women are pelted by little Yuri’s rocks, pipes, and hardened cow turds.
3. Knob Turners. Almost impossible to find today, Knob Turners is primarily about different hands turning different door knobs. While this sounds a bit odd, or even boring at first glance, in hour two there is a surprise* which makes the film worth it.
4. Journey to my Bunghole, by Fred Robertson. In this, Fred Roberston of Clifford California shares the tape of his colonoscopy. Again, sounds boring, but at one point, it looks like there are tiny men living inside his poop shoot. After closer examination, they’re not. It was just some shit floating around.
5. Dancing for my life. In this four-and-a-half-hour epic, dance instructor Kristie Ellsworth decides that if she stops dancing, she dies. This is because a charming dance student told her that if “you lose your dream, you die.” Her dream is to dance. So… After about four hours, she just gives up and realizes she was kind of taking what he said too literally.
6. Glory hole: a Love Story. Maybe the most controversial film in this group, Glory hole focuses on an 80’s heavy metal band of the same name. The plot involves what happens when they find out what the name of their band actually means and how it’s weird because they were all super into glory holes, had them built into their homes, met each other through them, but just never knew what they were called.
7. Geppetto, Origins. Before Geppetto built Pinocchio, he was just another high school kid who was into wooden puppets. This film examines how “Gep,” as he is called by his teenage friends, takes one last road trip with his buddies that will change his life forever, mostly because he kills them all in a motel and then builds wooden replicas of them, including of his best friend, Penn Ocheo, whose constant lying enraged Gep enough to turn to murder.
*The knob is turned by someone wearing a red glove. Then the rest of the film is just regular knob turning with regular hands. Some people have speculated that the red glove represents God.
People have asked me, “How are you writing for the Intergalactic Business Report” even though you don’t work there and have cut all ties with the editors who you’ve so clearly called out as being totally corrupt assholes.” The answer? I just post stuff and nobody notices, because everyone at the Intergalactic Business Report is so totally unaware of anything going on anywhere that they don’t stop me.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone is even sober enough at their offices to take the time to look at their Web site and see what’s on it. They actually hired Ed Mountaineer, who I’m pretty sure is a registered psychopath on some kind of work release program. If you ever meet this guy, seriously… run. And he’ll chase you. So run fast.
Anyway, if you’ve seen any of my past columns, you know that everything started out when my father paid IBR to let me write for them. Everything went bad very quickly, and eventually, I left. Today, I suffer from PTSD from my time working at IBR, and my psychologist has encouraged me to face my past by writing about it. That’s what I’m doing here.
Instead of letting the editors at the Intergalactic Business Report get away with their bullshit and deception, I vow to stop them by informing their readers about their unethical business practices and almost demonic presence on our planet. Maybe that’s going a little far because demons would have some level of intelligence and a plan for what they want to accomplish. The leadership at IBR has only one focus and that’s to pretty much get drunk and spend other people’s money.
So let me start this new column with a quick update on what I’ve found out about IBR:
First, they started a new charity that basically promises to give penis enhancement surgery to men who want giant dicks. Of course they did this, and they’ll probably be the first recipients of any money that comes through. Suffice it to say DO NOT give money to “Give me Five,” (as in “five inches”) as it is a total scam and just an all around horrible idea for a charitable organization.
As a general note, please don’t take any of their business advice. It not only sucks, but it will get you fired.
Don’t take any of their relationship advice…Or give credence to any of their so-called “scientific studies.” And definitely don’t read anything by Cedric Bigglestone. This is the guy who said his scrotum wrote a column for him and that he discovered an alternative universe in his pants. It’s scary and it’s wrong. And finally, don’t fall for their cynical attempt to replace “deez nutz” with “Mah Ballzzz.”
Next time, I’ll tell you the story I heard from an inside source about IBR’s brand new employee orientation day. Stay tuned.
Former contributor, the Intergalactic Business Report.