Since childhood, I’ve been misled, deceived, and flat out lied to by a number of music superstars. They routinely spoke to me through devices they would plant in my house, car, and even in public places. Following their advice, believing their feelings for me, and supporting their corrupt philosophies were the greatest mistakes of my life.
Sometime later, I discovered that I was not the only one to hear their voices. They have lied to millions upon millions of impressionable people. In this column, I recount the most vicious lies and misconceptions propagated by them, in the hope that some other listener will not suffer how I have.
1. Say you say me? Say it together? Because that’s the way it should be? I tried this. And when you say you and me together it forms the word “yah-mee” or “mah-you.” For years, I used this to mean "you and me" or "all of us." I tried to say it naturally. I believed Lionel Ritchie when he said, again and again, to say it because it was the way it should be. But no one –seriously, no one—got it. At all. I kept saying in office meetings, “yah-mee should work together on this,” or “this is a win win for mah-you.” Everybody thought I was fucking crazy or that I grew up in another country. Thanks, Lionel.
2. The 90s group Tag Team lied, or at least seriously deceived me. Every time I thought it was there, it wasn’t. It wasn’t even close to being there. But they kept telling me it was. Why?
3. Jermaine Stewart definitely lied. At first I thought drinking cherry wine and dancing and partying all night was enough. But after a while, it just isn’t. At some point you need to take your clothes off. Nice try, Jermaine.
4. Carl Douglas lied. Or maybe I could say he just over-exaggerated a lot, because while there were many people indeed kung fu fighting, it’s irresponsible for him to claim that everybody was. I mean, I wasn’t. I don’t even know how to fight regular, let alone do Far Eastern martial arts.
5. I won’t ever call Smokey Robinson a liar. But I will say that “love” is a little too strong a word to describe how he felt about cruising with me, mostly because he never did. Not once. I think “like” is a little more accurate. And that would be totally speculative, since we still haven’t even hung out together. Not even once. And if he did call me some day and said, “Hey, man. Do you want to go cruising together?” The answer is a strong, standing yes.
6. The Pussycat Dolls were totally wrong. I do admit that at first I kind of wished my girlfriend was a freak like them, but that thought only lasted a few minutes. After some reflection, I really think it would be difficult and maybe a bit sad if your girlfriend was a freak. Speaking of…
7. Whodini really misled me and it’s tough to forgive them. Many many respectable people are out at night. Many. But thanks to Whodini, they’re all seen as freaks. Thanks, guys.
8. Hammer, or MC Hammer, or whatever name he finally landed on, told the ultimate lie. Obviously you can touch it. You could always touch it. I just didn’t because he seemed so fucking adamant about it. And then he’d scoot away, making it harder to touch it.
9. Maria Carey of course lied, too. She in no way wanted me for Christmas, as I found out when I showed up at her house at Christmas. I’m also guessing that there were a number of other things she wanted too besides not wanting me.
10. Young M.C. told me a brutal lie once. I can’t tell you how many times, on his advice, I busted a move, thinking that was all I needed to do. Of course it turns out that when you just bust a move and then sit there, people think something’s wrong with you. It sucks. And every time I was done, I’d sit there and think, “I should do something else, right? In addition?” And then I’d hear Young M.C. in my head, assuring me that that was all I needed to do. What a fucking liar.
11. The Bee Jees strangely did not lie when they told me I was more than a woman to them. I mean, I’m a guy. So… Yes.
12. I can’t even believe I’m bringing this one up, because this was the most embarrassing one ever. Suffice it to say that everything Bryan Adams did, does, or will do is not for me. He doesn’t even know who I am. Which was a surprise, to say the least, when I showed up at his tour bus and expected that his entire life was devoted only to doing shit for me. Again, it is not.
13. Lionel Ritchie lied to me many many times. One of his worst was when he told me that everyone I’d meet would be dancing in the street all night long. In reality, it wasn’t even close to everyone. Most people get tired. Who the fuck can dance that long? There was one guy, on angel dust, who I’m pretty sure did dance all night long, but that’s one guy.