 It’s been a long time coming. Finally, many states are beginning to let citizens leave their homes and get back to work. But, more importantly, it’s time to fucking party. This is what the lifting of the stay in place orders may mean for you: 1. You probably have the ability to fly. We don’t mean you can get in an airplane and fly somewhere. We are fairly certain* you now can fly like a super hero. 2. You are immune to all disease. 3. You are impervious to danger in any form, including pythons. 4. You cannot get STDs. 5. You have a magical shield around you at all times, thwarting any threats to your health. 6. You are now the luckiest person alive on the planet. Even though it seems impossible for every one of us to be the luckiest person, we are somehow. Basically, if there’s an outbreak, it will be someone else who gets it. 7. You can lick spoons other people used and it will make you stronger. Not because you are building up immunity or anything. Licking spoons transfers the power of the people who licked them to you. It’s like you captured their souls or something. 8. You can now predict the future with 100% certainty. Go ahead and tell everyone what you think is going to happen or not happen. It’ll be right. 9. During the quarantine, your brain has developed faster and become stronger than scientists and epidemiologists. You can now override their concerns by making your own calculations and charts, all done in your mind in two seconds. Your brain is that powerful now. 10. Your judgment when drinking alcohol is almost perfect. You make great choices and are super fun to be around. 11. Pool water, when it comes in contact with your skin, emits a healing vapor that covers you and everyone in the area with a protective coating. *We believe strongly that making shit up counts as a degree of certitude.  As if things couldn’t get any worse for America, a genius-like IBR reader took the time to eviscerate us so badly that we have been left shaking in terror as his grim specter hovers over us. Recently, an IBR reader suggested that our article about Hollywood origin story movies was so bad that we all “need hobbies other than coming up with terrible movies for laughs.” In a devastating finishing move, he also condemned us to a “Charles Barkley,” in which we helplessly watched his Youtube attachment of Barkley saying, “That’s Turrible.” What does this mean for the future of the Intergalactic Business Report? You have questions. We have answers. Q: How did this happen? You guys are usually so careful to write things that are unassailable and safe and broadly accepted by everyone. A: We fucked up and this guy called us on it. For months, we’ve been cutting corners and producing articles that haven’t been vetted or fact checked. The other day we posted a meme that just said the words “Ball Sweat.” We blame much of this on new anti-masturbation policies in our office. Q: I read the burn the reader delivered to you guys. He must be the real deal. A: The reader’s life is clearly better than anyone at IBR. We accept that. Q: The reader said, “You guys need hobbies other than coming up with terrible movies for laughs.” That article was supposed to be funny? A: Even though we only write serious articles, they are so terrible that they are equivalent to crappy attempts at humor. Q: How bad ass is the guy who burned you? And how does it make you feel? A: A genius with no equal actually read something we wrote. Then he meted out justice. We are irreparably harmed but also humbled. Q: After seeing the carnage of the reader’s strike against you, do you think people will start using the Charles Barkley video to destroy others? A: A Charles Barkley burn cuts deep. We feel strongly he should never be weaponized like this again. Q: How else do you feel? A: We feel like Hiroshima and Nagasaki because we were so thoroughly destroyed by the epic burn. Like those cities, we hope to rebuild someday, but in the meanwhile, we can only root around in the rubble and surrender. Q: What will you do next? A: In the short term, we will abandon writing about real life and turn to fiction. Our new fantasy novel will be about a noble warrior who travels the land telling villagers and lords who is and isn’t funny. His trusted steed will be named Charles Barkley and he will do most of the talking.  The Intergalactic Business Report’s fitness expert, Jonny Ripkin, creator of the Shred and Fed Diet, tells you why it’s o.k. to become overweight during the pandemic. His message to everyone, below:
WHO I AM: Let me get my intro out of the way. I’m Jonny Ripkin, fitness expert who has changed lives and futures (and sometimes even pasts) with my controversial methods for reshaping bodies and minds. WHO YOU ARE: Good question, right? You probably have never been asked that before in your life and it’s about time someone asked. But before you say anything, I’m going to answer for you. You’re a fat piece of crap, eating everything in sight, as you hole up in quarantine or lockdown, or whatever they’re calling it nowadays. But guess what? It’s totally fine. That’s right. I said IT’S TOTALLY FINE THAT YOU’RE FAT AND UNWILLING TO LIFT A MUSCLE OR STOP PILING FOOD IN YOUR FACE FOR ONE SECOND. ARE YOU CRAZY, JONNY? Another good question. Technically I’m what you call a bipolar narcissist, but that’s the kind of label that gets thrown on you when you’re perfect and a psychologist with stupid glasses feels inferior just being in the same room. IS IT REALLY O.K. NOT TO EXERCISE OR EAT RIGHT? Not only is it o.k., but it might be your one chance to do this and not be seen as a total bag of shit. Think about it. You eat. No one cares. NO ONE SEES YOU. You get fatter. NO ONE SEES YOU. Why? Because you’re stuck inside your house, with no place to go. Want to tell people you’re working out every day and eating good foods? Go ahead. THEY’LL NEVER KNOW. IS THIS SOUND MEDICAL ADVICE? Not if I were a “doctor” or “health person.” But it is sound medical advice if you’re someone who just doesn’t give a shit about anything anymore. And, let’s face it, after two, three months of being locked up in your home, do any of us really give a shit about anything anymore? So, to answer your question, yes, it’s very sound advice. I LIKE WHAT YOU’RE SAYING JONNY, BUT HOW DO I CONVINCE MY SPOUSE? You’re married? Fuuuuuck. Wow. You’re fucking married? Why? WHAT IF I GET SO FAT I CAN’T FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY OF MY HOUSE WHEN THIS IS OVER? I get this question all the time and the answer is simple. They take the roof off your house and something called the “jaws of life” comes in and scoops you out, like a fat scoop of ice cream. DOES EXERCISING EVEN WORK ANYWAY? Now you’re starting to get it. I did a study once where I took a rat, a prostitute, and a gallon of fat and only the prostitute came out of the experiment with a rating of: "O.k. I’d do this again." I think that’s what science proves about exercise. JONNY. YOU SOUND HOT. IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN PORK YOU? Yeah. There’s a way. And it’s easier than you think. Can you breathe? And do you have a hole? Maybe you’re a dolphin! HAW! I love making jokes. But yeah, I’ll have sex with you. DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY, JONNY? No. Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at info@intergalacticbiz.com.  Not Ed. Not even close. A lot of people are freaking out about having to wear masks when they go places, but I for one am freaking out for a totally different reason and that reason is that I can’t wait to start wearing a mask. In fact, I’m beginning to wonder why I haven’t always worn one. Guess it’s never too late to start! Anyway, below I’m outlining my reasons for why this is awesome and fits perfectly into my image of myself. Reason one. All my heroes wore masks:
Reason two. I hate my nose. Instead of cutting it off, like I planned to do earlier in the year, I get to hold on to it because now no one will see it. Ever. (Did I mention I plan to never take off my mask? Ever. Even when I’m alone, at home, or looking into people’s windows to make sure they’re o.k.) Reason three. I don’t like people knowing whether or not I’m smiling. The mask totally solves this one. It’s like sunglasses for your face. Am I smiling? Fuck you. Reason four. Wearing a mask makes me like a bandit, only not wanted by the law. Bandits are probably the coolest kind of criminals but if you’re not one, it’s pretty stupid to wear a bandit mask. Now I can do it without fear of being arrested, like the last time I pretended to be a bandit. Reason five. Back to the bandit thing. If I rob a bank wearing a mask, it’s kind of like we all did it, because we’re all wearing masks, and they can’t arrest all of us. Think about it. Reason six. If I can wear my bandit mask to the grocery store, I could eat things there and no one would notice. Me: wearing my bandit mask. Other person in store: “What are you doing? Are you eating that banana?” Me: “MAAAAAARGH!” Reason seven. I feel like I’m stuck on the thing about being a bandit and can’t move on. Sometimes you hit on a great idea and just become obsessed with it. I think I’m going to stop writing now.  Once we get past worrying about how many people will die from Coronavirus, most Americans start worrying about whether we’ll ever play sports again. Imagine fall without football. Empty stadiums. Fake, zoom tailgates before replays of games nobody cares about and can’t bet on. The future looks grim, or did, until the Intergalactic Business Report unveiled its new campaign to save all professional sports. Today, we announce “Stay home and play with yourself.” Because the full plan is over two thousand eighty-five pages, we have outlined the most important features below. 1. “Stay at home and play with yourself” covers all major sports and all professional athletes. 2. Our plan is based on a simple premise: Instead of playing with the rest of your team, athletes will now just play with themselves in the comfort and confines of their own home. 3. We understand this will change most professional sports slightly, because, for instance, instead of throwing a football or tackling other men, an athlete will instead just be whacking off by himself, but we feel this alteration to the sport is almost insignificant. 4. Major events like the Super Bowl can be easily replaced with large group masturbation contests between your favorite players. This will make fantasy football even more exciting and add a new element to the competition. 5. Suburban dads who spend their falls complaining about NFL players and teams can now just admit it was all pretty much the same as a bunch of dudes beating their meat. This will bring a massive calm to the nation and possibly end domestic violence. 6. “Man Caves” will now be used for their real purpose and not just be a weird and unsettling thing created by males who “want their space.” Wives across America will be like, “Oh… All right. Go to your man cave now.” 7. Athletes from New Jersey will dominate, but we feel strongly this will only be for the first several years of our plan. Our projections show that in years 15-16, other states, like Delaware, might close the gap slightly.  Sports are cancelled and people are watching replays of basketball games from ten years ago as if that’s somehow fulfilling and not a sign that they’ve completely given up on life. Meanwhile, serious athletes are wondering what they can do to keep sharp when they aren’t allowed to compete in their sports. The Intergalactic Business Report once again saves America by giving you seven new sports you can do in your home, alone. Play them, relay them, and don’t delay them. SPORT: Slapface. RULES: Slap yourself in the face super hard. Then count: one. Slap yourself in the face again. Then count: two. Keep doing this till you get to like thirty-seven. That’s the record. Can you break it? SPORT: Fat fuckity fucker. RULES: You’ve stocked up on food. Now eat it. All. When you feel full, keep eating. Can you become the fattest fuck on the planet? You’ve got time on your side. Start eating. SPORT: Dog King. RULES: Let your dog make all the rules as you appoint him king for a day. Whatever he wants, you do it. He wants to go for a walk? He wants a treat? He wants you to follow him to another dimension where he traps and switches bodies with you and then returns to this dimension as you? You have to do it because those are the rules of Dog King. SPORT: Extreme stair running. RULES: Do you have stairs in your house? Run up and down for as long as you can. When you start seeing shit, like angels warning you to stop, you’re almost there. SPORT: Penis Olympics. RULES: Put your dick through the ultimate challenge as it attempts pole vaulting you over the couch. SPORT: Can I fit that up my butt? RULES: There are tons of things in your house that have always just sat there. Now’s your chance to see which ones will actually fit inside your ass. Start slowly with loose change and work your way up to your high school yearbook. SPORT: Extreme sleeping. RULES: They say you need eight or nine hours of sleep a day, but what if you pushed that to twenty-two or twenty-three hours? Can you stay in bed that long? And live a life of only two or three waking hours? Or are you a total pussy who needs to be awake all the time?  In our first article based totally on conjecture, the Intergalactic Business Report makes the daring assumption that animals in zoos don’t feel sorry for humans who are forced to stay indoors during the COV-ID 19 crisis. Again, this is just a guess, because we haven’t been able to actually interview any animals and when we did try that once, a writer’s balls were chewed off, which re-enforces our current thinking about how these creatures feel about us. Taking this a step further, we’ve gone ahead and added other groups that give few to zero shits about our current situation of self-imposed isolation for several weeks. 1. Cult members who live in underground doomsday shelters and believe the world has already ended “up there.” 2. The guy who sings “the recluse.” 3. Sasquatch and probably every crypto monster besides Chupacabra, because he just seems more extroverted. 4. Jason Voorhees. 5. The caveman who everyone shamed into leaving the cave to go hunting and who immediately had his nuts torn off by a sabre tooth tiger. 6. 80’s music group “Living in a Box.” 7. The woman Buffalo Bill is keeping in the well in “Silence of the Lambs.” 8. Saddam Hussein when he was living in a “spider hole.” 9. Anyone who’s ever been to prison for more than two minutes. 10. The man in the iron mask. 11. The kid who’s in the invisible square he can’t leave or he’ll be eaten by lava monsters.  The reviews are in and the Intergalactic Business Report’s coverage of the Coronavirus pandemic is considered by most people on the planet as the most authoritative and accurate account of what the disease is, how it spreads, and what you should do to protect yourself. Today we reveal that many acts of sex have been cancelled by the Coronavirus. But not all. We give you alternatives and options. You’re welcome. CANCELLED SEX ACT: The wheelbarrow position. WHY: In order to have sex like this, one person has to touch the bacteria-covered ground with both hands. Also, the person doing the boning must use both hands to balance themselves, thus leaving it impossible to cough into their elbows. WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Disinfect and clean a real wheelbarrow. Drill a small (or large) hole in the area just under the handles. Have sex with that instead. CANCELLED SEX ACT: Fruit sex. WHY: The Coronavirus might live on fruit so when you have sex with a watermelon or orange it’s like banging a leper who’s just doing it for the money. WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Sex with bagels is considered safer at this point. But we’d advise still being cautious. Maybe only use two at a time. CANCELLED SEX ACT: Blow jobs. WHY: They say don’t touch your face during the Coronavirus spread. This sex act involves so much more. Like a penis in your mouth. Maybe you get slapped in the face with it too. Who knows? WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Binge watch Judge Judy. No way you want to suck a dick after that. CANCELLED SEX ACT: Anal. WHY: Butts contain butt bacteria. Eww. WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: If it’s that important to you to have butt sex, then no quarantine’s going to stop you. So, go ahead, we guess. CANCELLED SEX ACT: Circle jerks. WHY: This extremely popular East Coast ritual has obvious proximity issues. WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Virtual circle jerks on Zoom and skype. But you were probably doing that anyway. CANCELLED SEX ACT: Blumpkins. WHY: If you need to ask, you probably don’t know what a blumpkin is. WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Watch t.v. or something. Seriously. Do anything. Wash your fucking car. CANCELLED SEX ACT: 69. WHY: The epitome of getting too close to someone else. WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: 68. It’s where you come before 69.  KFC’s “finger licking good” slogan is gone. Now the Intergalactic Business Report shows you everything that will disappear from our culture because of the Coronavirus. 1. The “Grab my hand! Trust me!” rescue move. 2. Interlocking hands with strangers on public transportation. 3. The “grab your face cause you’re so cute” greeting. 4. Bar bets where you try to stick your fist in your mouth. 5. Clearing out hanging boogers from your nose. 6. “Hands across America.” 7. Hand jobs. 8. Blind people feeling people’s faces to “see” what they look like. 9. Living hand to mouth. 10. Lady fingers. 11. Doing the “fish hook” move during doggy-style sex. 12. That monster face you make when you stick your fingers in your mouth and nose and pull back your eyelids.  If you’re feeling unsettled by the impending tsunami of the Coronavirus, prepare to be reassured by America’s major corporations, which are handling this crisis like a boss… Who’s about to fire everyone. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report reviews the corporate response to the COV-19 pandemic and offer a few questions of our own. COMPANY: AMC MOVIES. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Once we hit 50% of an auditorium’s capacity, movie screening will show as being Sold Out, even though by definition there will be a large number of unfilled seats.” QUESTIONS: You guys seriously think you’re going to fill 50% of your theater? UPDATE: Closed. So, I guess that answers that. COMPANY: HERTZ. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “In addition to practicing preventative measures to reduce the spread of germs within our facilities, all of our vehicles go through a rigorous, multi-step cleaning process for each rental.” QUESTIONS: Are you still going to “clean” the back seats of your cars with puke? COMPANY: MARRIOTT. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Our hotels' health and safety measures are designed to address a broad spectrum of viruses, including COVID-19, and cover everything from handwashing hygiene and cleaning product specifications to guest room and common area cleaning procedures.” QUESTIONS: Does this mean you’ll clean the jizz stains off your carpets, lamps, and ceilings? COMPANY: JIMMY JOHN’S. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Established a full-time Coronavirus Preparedness Task Force… to ensure a safer dining experience for all.” FIRST QUESTION FOR THE TASK FORCE COMMANDER: What’s freaky faster? Jimmy John’s delivery? Or the time it takes the Coronavirus to get inside you? COMPANY: JAMBA JUICE. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Pausing the reusable tumbler program and the insertion of straws into our smoothies for our guests.” QUESTIONS: But before it was cool to stick straws into our smoothies with your nasty hands? COMPANY: MALL OF AMERICA. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We have intensified our existing rigorous cleaning and sanitizing efforts, which include, but are not limited to, increasing the frequency and intensity of our cleaning efforts of all commonly touched surfaces including seating, doors, handrails, elevators, directories, rides as well as rental strollers and wheelchairs.” QUESTIONS: You’re going to constantly clean 5 million square feet of stuff? UPDATE: Totally closed, so we guess you won’t. COMPANY: BARNES AND NOBLES. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We’re living through turbulent times together. Our booksellers are your neighbors, your friends and family. Your stories are our stories, and we know how resilient our communities are.” QUESTIONS: Great. But you are going to wipe down the books and stuff, right? COMPANY: FIREHOUSE SUBS. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are removing the self-serve hot sauce bar from the counter area and will, upon request, offer our signature Captain Sorensen’s Hot Sauce in pre-portioned cups.” QUESTIONS: You’re talking about doing a circle jerk, right? COMPANY: BUCA DI BEPPO. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are taking other steps to address concerns, for instance, encouraging cash-less transactions inside our restaurants. The passing of cash has been shown to be a major method of transmission and we believe this action is in the interest of everyone’s well-being.” QUESTIONS: Can I still pay with the credit card I ran through my ass crack? COMPANY: GAMESTOP. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are providing all our stores with the necessary supply of disinfectant materials and hand sanitizer to frequently clean high-touch surfaces to kill germs and ensure our stores are a safe environment for both our customers and store associates.” COMMENT: Sounds like a nerd wrote that. COMPANY: NORDSTROM. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Swim trunks, sunglasses and sandals are all you need for the surf or the sand.” They add: “This look was made for soaking up every second of sunshine—from mornings spent lying on the beach to poolside happy hours.” COMMENT: By far our favorite message about the Coronavirus. COMPANY: CHIPOTLE. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are taking additional precautions, including: Established an internal task force to monitor and provide guidance in real time.” FIRST RECOMMENDATION FROM THE INTERNAL TASK FORCE: “Hey Ricky, stop touchin’ the Guac with yer face! Damn!” |
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