 One of the most brilliant terms in recent years has been the word “weaponize,” which simply means to take something and make it into a weapon. When we use it, we are seen as intelligent, informed, and better than whoever we’re saying it to or about. Like saying “optics” instead of just “how it looks or appears” using “weaponize” is the perfect way to let people know you can say someone’s being mean without saying it.
But what happens when we run out of things to weaponize? Rather than relying on the abstract claims that others are weaponizing politics, privilege, and issues, the Intergalactic Business Report presents new and practical things you can weaponize today. Take our advice and you’ll be the first one to weaponize: Your cat. HOW TO DO IT: Equip your cat with spiked armor and small guns that inadvertently fire when it moves. YOUR FRIEND’S REACTION: “Stop weaponizing your cat, Brody. I wanna pet it. Ouch! It fucking shot me, man.” Your grandmother. HOW TO DO IT: Your feeble grandma’s wheelchair can be outfitted with armor plating, a missile system, and biochemicals that are released when she presses her old finger on a button. If you want to weaponize her further, turn her cane into a spear or something. YOUR FRIEND’S REACTION: “I just went over to say hi to your grandmother and she shot some chemical into my face. I feel like I’m going to pass out or die. Did she shoot me too?” Your penis. HOW TO DO IT: Spiked penis armor is the first step. Step two is to beat people with it. YOUR FRIEND’S REACTION: “Why are you pulling your pants down? What the fuck?” Your car. HOW TO DO IT: Do whatever shit they do in the Mad Max movies but realize your budget is a lot lower. YOUR FRIEND’S REACTION: “Why does your car look like someone took a dump on it? Are you homeless now?” Your bathrobe. HOW TO DO IT: Hide knives and a pistol in your bathrobe and stroll through the park or wherever. YOUR FRIEND’S REACTION: “Hey, Jeremy. Is that you? I haven’t seen you since high school. How’s it going? Oh… Are you wearing a bathrobe. All right. I’ll catch up with you soon. Did you just stab me?”  Rub? Tug? How 'bout just a hug? Probably our favorite reddit/quora thread is the one about how massage therapists offer clients “premium services,” which means they jack them off after the massage. The Intergalactic Business Report, known for its pragmatic view of commerce, sees this as a necessary growth measure in a crowded category.
Much like crack addicts who want to elevate their competitive positions, some massage therapists are willing to play with your dingaling so they can get their money fix. But instead of just saying, “I’ll suck your dick, man,” they came up with a euphemism that makes it sound like a hand job is the same as someone filling up your gas tank for you. Our team analyzed “premium services” and feel strongly other businesses should adopt this strategy immediately. Below we outline some examples various industries can start using today: INDUSTRY: Financial services. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Rapid deposit into your stank account.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: Step one: get them to open their stank account. Step two: make a rapid deposit. INDUSTRY: Pet stores. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Doggy bone.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: “I see your total is $168 dollars. You get a free doggy bone with that. Please step into the pet grooming area to redeem it.” INDUSTRY: Auto services. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Jiffy Lube plus.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: You show up at a Jiffy Lube. A guy comes out and pulls your pants down. No words, no discussion, no shame, no purchase necessary. NOTE: Pep boys offers more than one dude. INDUSTRY: Tax preparation. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Master rebate.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: “Would you like to get master rebated?” INDUSTRY: Fast food. PREMIUM SERVICE: Happy meal, Crave pack, Chalupas, and Big Beef, all exist already. HOW IT IS OFFERED: Customers simply wink after ordering any of the above. INDUSTRY: Home improvement. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Extra wood.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: “I have some extra wood in the back if you’re interested.” INDUSTRY: Book stores. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Harry Pooter.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: “I just got the new Harry Pooter. It’s in the back if you want to see it.”  If someone broke into your house and was about to kill you, your last words would probably be you screaming. Unlike you, there were famous people who got to say super cool things just before they died, and people wrote down what they said and now we call them “famous last words.” What you didn’t know is what was said just beforehand.
At the Intergalactic Business Report, we don’t stop at the limits of conventional wisdom or even reality. Join us as we deep dive into history to reveal what famous people said just before they said what they said. Below, we reveal their pre-last words. BEETHOVEN’S LAST WORDS: I need more time. PRE LAST WORDS: This taco tray is way too huge to eat in one sitting. JULIUS CAESER’S LAST WORDS: Et tu Brute? PRE LAST WORDS: I guess it’s time for a spontaneous orgy on the steps of the senate! You dudes are looking tight! Cassius, you’re in. Decimus. I know you’re in. STEVE JOBS’ LAST WORDS: Oh wow. PRE LAST WORDS: I love dem boobies. STONEWALL JACKSON’S LAST WORDS: This wound is mortal. PRE LAST WORDS: Uh huh… Uh huh… Yo… I’m seein’ heaven… Open dat portal… Come on y’all… WINSTON CHURCHILL’S LAST WORDS: I’m bored with it all. PRE LAST WORDS: Jenga sucks. Right? You sit there and try to pull a stick out and everybody just sits there like that’s a big deal or something and they cheer if you do it?  Whether you’re a first time or frequent traveler, you may be unaware of the many rules, regulations, and mysteries regarding your passport. The Intergalactic Business Report gives you the seven most common mistakes people make with their identification when they travel abroad. The next time you take a trip to a foreign land, never do these things with your passport:
Hide it in your butt. While this seems like the safest place to store important documents, remember that on a trip to another country, you may be asked to take your passport out frequently. If it’s up your butt, this will make it harder to do and you may hold up lines while you reach inside your butt to grab your passport, which is in your butt. Let your pet monkey hold the passport in a lanyard around its neck. As discussed in number one (above) this may be the safest place to store your passport because people are generally afraid of monkeys (especially yours since it is aggressive and looks like it will rip your face off), but monkeys are not allowed in airports or on airplanes, unless they’re service animals and there’s no way Bon Bon is a service animal unless his “service” is to take shits on the floor and rip people’s faces off. Write an ancient spell into your passport book. First, you’re not supposed to write anything but your signature in your passport. Second, if you write an ancient spell, and a security person or an airline employee reads it out loud, it could open a portal to a netherworld or turn their face into a demon. Try to teleport your passport to your destination. It doesn’t work. You’ll find it at home when you get back from the airport where they told you that you can’t get on the flight because you don’t have your passport and you were like, “It’s O.K. I teleported it” and they’re like, “That’s not a thing” and then you’re in your crappy apartment trying to re-calibrate the teleporter, which is a piece of shit. Pee on it to get the jellyfish stuff off. There are a lot of urban legends about how urine can stop the sting of jellyfish stings, but they’re not true. Pee can be used to sterilize something, and that’s probably where they get that from. Also, you can drink your own pee. Remove your picture and paste in one of a known terrorist. While hilarious, you will probably get shot or something. Also hilarious. When asked for it, you take it out and run it through your butt crack like it’s a credit card and your butt cheeks can read the magnetic strip. Many people do this because it seems like a good way to break the ice with TSA agents and customs officials, but surprisingly, they hate it. If you feel like you must, at least say something like, “I don’t think it’s working,” and then run it again and keep saying stuff like, “This has never happened before. I don’t know why it won’t accept it.”  Money is the number one impetus for couples arguing, according to what you hear people say when they talk about couples arguing. Also sex. That’s another thing they argue about. But we’re not doing a thing about sex arguments because we don’t even get that. Like, are they fighting about which hole to put it in or something? Instead of figuring that out, we’re doing the one about money.
We asked ourselves why money leads to so many arguments and discovered some answers that may shock you. Below we list the nine most common mistakes couples make when discussing money. Avoid doing all these if you want to have a healthy financial rapport with your spouse: 1. Threatening to conjure 18th century dentists to perform oral surgery on your wife while she’s sleeping. 2. Assuming you are both on the same page when it comes to eliminating debt by twerking it away. 3. Instead of listening to your spouse’s concerns about setting a grocery budget, you stick your hands down your pants and start screaming that you think the devil just sewed your fingers to your penis. 4. Getting into endless arguments about how Confederate money is making a comeback and then proving it by burning all your “union” money in the back yard while you whistle dixie. 5. Offering to show your butthole to your banker. 6. Referring to the “anal clause” in your wedding contract and when your spouse asks you what the fuck you’re talking about, you just mutter something about how it has to do with money and that you’re happy to call the priest who married you to confirm. 7. Both having a totally different idea of what the word “money” means so that when you’re saying it, you mean “hot dog with everything,” and when your spouse is saying it, they mean, “currency” or “investments” or “cash.” 8. Insisting that the “bank” is your butt and saying stuff like “bank on it” and “time to make a deposit in the bank” and “you can take that to the bank.” 9. Telling your wife you have a rainy-day fund and then stripper showering her with small bills.  As part of our new "red light" insights section, the Intergalactic Business Report answers our readers' most sensitive and taboo questions about subjects like relationships, sex, and penis clamps. Today, we take on orgies, those awkward social events where if it goes really well, your shame exceeds your self-esteem and you may as well just get a face tattoo because your body is now what someone else wants to do with it. Your first time at an orgy can be challenging, so follow these tips for how to handle small talk with your new “fuck buddies.” You're welcome.
“So… Here we are….” “How about that Taco bar? Benny really went all out this time, huh?” “Were there more women here last time or is it just me?” “Can we have sex anywhere or are there like designated areas?” “Seriously, where are the women?” “Is it ok if I stretch?” “Hold up. This isn’t a gay orgy, right?” “Do they close the taco bar or is it open the whole time?” “Seriously, if this isn’t a gay orgy then why are there zero women here?” “I’m going back to the taco bar. You want anything?” “So, you’re saying the women are coming but we should just get started without them?” “You’re totally sure this is how it works?”  Did you know it’s rude to say, “Here’s the thing” or “It is what it is” during a conversation? A recent CNBC online article focused on a public speaking expert who pointed out “rude” phrases used by “people with poor speech etiquette.” We were shocked to hear such common elements of conversation were actually insulting until we talked to our own public speaking expert, Lawrence DeGraf. Larry pointed out multiple other seemingly innocuous phrases used constantly at the Intergalactic Business Report office that in his “expert” opinion, are actually rude. We picked eight of them:
8 phrases you may use all the time but are actually incredibly rude and insulting, by Lawrence DeGraf. To say I’m a public speaking expert is probably a reach, since I’m really just a guy with an English degree who was hired a few months ago as an assistant editor at the Intergalactic Business Report. Before you ask the same question everyone else has, let me just say that no, I didn’t understand what this place was. And, no, I didn’t take the time to read anything they did. And, finally, no, I am not drunk or high. Unlike almost every person here around me. Anyway, I was just assigned the role as “public speaking expert” today because they wanted to do this article. Sometimes I’m the psychology expert or the animal expert or even the sexual relations expert, whatever that is. If you read the Intergalactic Business Report, you know there isn’t much “editing” involved and that we put things in quotes a lot. I can pretty much write anything and the editors will not read it. In a way that’s liberating. What I do appreciate about this assignment is that in our office there are a lot of phrases that are used incessantly by our staff, and they are not O.K., whether you understand public speaking or not. I feel this may be my opportunity to point out some of these and let someone, somewhere, understand that it is rude and insulting to say the following phrases—at work, at anywhere. 1. “Do I know you?” A lot of times, people here will just pretend they have no idea who you are even though you know they know who you are. It’s weird. It’s unsettling and disturbing. I guess my advice would be that instead of pretending you don’t know people, just acknowledge their existence? 2. “Yeah, that’s great. Can I borrow five dollars?” Should be obvious, but when you start off with a dismissive comment and then ask to borrow money, people will think you’re not really listening and only see them as a cash machine. Also obvious, don’t give these guys money. Just don’t. It’s like feeding squirrels. 3. “Hmmm. Hmmmm. Hmmmmmmmmm! HMMMMMMMMMMMMM!” This is what they do when they don’t have the energy or intellect (I’m guessing) to respond to a serious inquiry, so they just keep saying “hmmmm” louder and louder till you leave their office. It’s actually really effective if you want to totally dismiss someone and make them feel like they should never ever ask you for anything again. Ever. 4. “I will SLAP you with my dick, motherfucker! I will fucking slap you with my fucking dick!” People in our office sometimes use this phrase to establish dominance, I guess? It’s jarring because you could be just grabbing a cup of coffee or waving hello, and this is the response. Instead of saying this, I would recommend a simple, “Hello,” or “Nice to see you today.” 5. “I will go through your contact list and send pervy messages to everyone on it! Now take off your fucking shirt!” The first time I heard this one was during my interview, which was basically this, preceded by an initial request to take off my shirt. I would say this phrase is threatening and aggressive and also probably illegal, especially at work. Maybe try asking about past work experience and not demand anyone take off his clothing. (Yeah, I know. I accepted the job because I thought this was like performance art or something and they also offered me a million dollars a year, until I realized that was in gift certificates to Ruby Tuesdays and Toys R Us and you could only spend five dollars per week and if you wanted to spend more you needed to start taking your shirt off). 6. “Can you hold this gun for me?” Even if you really really think you have a good reason to ask someone to do this, there are a couple problems with this request. Number one, do you even have a permit for that thing? And, number two, why do you have an enormous, high caliber weapon in our office? Oh, also, why are you waving it around and asking people to take their shirts off? 7. “I made a poopy in your filing cabinet. Go check it out. I’ll wait.” Not sure what the reason is for the baby talk part of this, since the rest of it is clearly so offensive, and, as usual, probably illegal (I haven’t been named IBR’s “legal expert” yet, so I have no idea). Of course, don’t shit in a filing cabinet and ask people to go look at it. But I also want to mention that we don’t have any filing cabinets in our office, so what have you done? 8. “Could you hold this gun in my mouth so I can have an orgasm?” This should never be a part of any conversation, but you’d be surprised how many times it comes up in the IBR office. At first, I thought it was a very very fucked up joke but then when they stare at you and you can see they’re holding a pistol you start to realize they’re serious. If you wait long enough, they’ll explain more about why they NEED you to do it, and all I can say is don’t. Just don’t wait around for that. (Note, this is sometimes a follow up to number 6, above). Lawrence DeGraf is the sexual relations intern at the Intergalactic Business Report. He can be reached at [email protected].  It can’t talk, but if it could, what would your butthole tell you? We go deep inside to give you the answer to one of our readers’ most asked questions. We found seven things your poop shoot would say if only it could speak words:
1. Hey dude, clean this shit! I don’t have hands. 2. Hellooooooooooooooo. It echoes here. 3. Time to take a shit. 4. Time to take a shit! 5. Time. To. Take. A. Shit. 6. I just shitted. 7. Go back to number one on this list.  Even though it’s not close to Mother’s Day, the Intergalactic Business Report has become obsessed* with memes, Reelz, and insta stories about mothers. Yes, a lot of it has been about MILFs. But recently, we also came across a stunning tribute to motherhood in which a maudlin memer showed Christiano Ronaldo and his mom and then posed seven questions that everyone should ask his mother before she either dies, becomes incomprehensible, or just starts making shit up.
As we cry about our moms, we pose our own seven questions, which we hope will be included in this meme engine’s next tearjerker. Seven questions you need to ask your mom before she’s dead, speaks gibberish, or just lies to you out of spite or senility. 1. When I was a baby did you, as a woman, also think my dick looked “weird”? 2. If we weren’t related, would you still call me a “handsome young man” and what would be the implications/your next move? 3. I saw dad’s dick once, and it was weird. Is his dick the same as mine? I mean, not the same, obviously, because that would mean my dick would be in a grave with him, in his pants. I think you understand what I’m asking. 4. Who was that guy who was always in your bed when dad was on business trips? 5. Did that guy have a weird dick? Is that your thing? 6. Let’s get this cleared up just in case you don’t understand. When I say “weird” I mean the shape of a shillelagh and multi-colored as if every race on Earth was represented—even ones that don’t exist any longer, like hobbit creatures. 7. In case you’ve forgotten, can I just show you my dick so that you understand what I’m talking about? It looks weird, right? *We saw something on Instagram and were like, huh.  One of the underrated benefits of the internet is the consistent messages about how you may already have dementia and if you don’t you’re going to have it soon. Online scribes do their sacred duty to humanity by informing us of early warning signs, issuing us tests, and displaying renderings of someone holding his back with the caption, “This early sign of Alzheimer’s may not be what you think.”
As we experience cognitive decline, it is comforting that there are people who make their livings by jolting us into the reality that at some point we will all be drooling vegetables who shit our pants. As we thank and celebrate these harbingers of doom, the Intergalactic Business Report also points to new research that indicates Alzheimer’s may not be as bad as we believe. Stunning new findings have shown a distinct “upside” of dementia, which may give us all more comfort in our coming demise. Below we share a few of the findings that we think might change the way you think before you are unable to think at all. 9 reasons Alzheimer’s may be a good thing. 1. That time you accidentally called your teacher “mom” in front of your math class in high school? Gone. 2. You will in no way recall the ad where the guy is holding his back and it says, “this early sign of Alzheimer’s may not be what you think.” In fact, you won’t even know what a guy or a back is. 3. When you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t stop thinking about that thing you said to whoever 10 years ago? With the magic of dementia, you won’t think about anything you said to anyone any years ago. 4. Forget your wife’s birthday or your anniversary? You forget everything now and no one will blame you. 5. Assholes who use the term “forget me nots” have no use for you. 6. “Memories. Like the corners of my mind.” That song sucks. 7. You’re overweight? You look like shit? You’re bald? You’re stupid? All of this doesn’t matter anymore. 8. Wiping your own ass? Over. 9. For Mafia member only: When your pal tells you to “fuhget about it”, you actually will. |
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