 We joke about it. We laugh as we recount how much we ate or how drunk we got last Thanksgiving. It’s funny to think about eating so much you can’t walk or having so much to drink that you forget the entire day. But new medical advice* curated by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that not being able to walk or being black out drunk may actually be bad for your health. In the worst cases, your holiday antics could land you in a coffin.
We outline seven signs you may have had too much: 1. You’re talking to your uncle, but he’s also Jesus. 2. Someone keeps saying, “Stay with us!” and you’re lying on a cart or something and it’s getting pushed really really fast down a hallway. 3. Your grandfather is bitching at you again about how you drink too much. But he’s been dead for 17 years. 4. There’s a light ahead and you feel like you need to get to it, but when you arrive, you’re too fat. 5. You’re asked if you want a drumstick and you decide to make it interesting by not answering right away and instead reciting some poetry you wrote, and everyone seems to like it a lot, like maybe they’d buy your book if you had a book of poetry, but actually you’re not talking because you died a few minutes earlier and someone else ate the last drumstick anyway because no one every offers you the fucking drumstick. 6. Everyone around you keeps asking, “Is he dead?” They don’t look super worried though. 7. When you grab for a beer, your hand passes through the bottle. You keep trying to grab it but it never works. Then you concentrate super hard and you knock the bottle off the table and everyone in the kitchen is like, “What the fuck was that?” And you’re like, “Can someone please get me a beer?” And someone says, “I think I heard something.” And someone else says, “I think I felt something. It was awful. It felt like (your name) was here for a second.” Someone else just says, “Ewww.” *All advice given is 100% medical, which is like being scientific, only more having to do with doctors or your body or medicine.  After food hoarding for close to a year, it may be time for a freezer check to rethink what nastiness you thought you would need when you entered the pandemic. A new warning issued by the Intergalactic Business Report lists seven items you should get rid of right now if you were dumb enough to store them in your ice box.
ITEM ONE: Monkey shit. REASON TO TOSS IT: Why did you think it was a good idea to store monkey shit in your freezer? That’s incredibly fucked up. We can’t come up with a single reason why that was a good idea. ITEM TWO: Photos of you committing crimes. REASON TO TOSS IT: Why would you keep pictures of yourself robbing banks and stuff? That’s so fucking stupid. Do you realize if people searched your house they could find these in your freezer and then what would you say? “That’s not me in the picture…”? You’re so fucking stupid. ITEM THREE: Space alien head. REASON TO TOSS IT: First, how do you even know it’s a space alien? Where the fuck did you even get it? If it actually is from another universe don’t you think it could taint all your food somehow? Why didn’t you give it to some scientists? Oh.. You were going to try to sell it? Where? On fucking Ebay? Oh my god, you’re so dumb. ITEM FOUR: Ice-activated explosives. REASON TO TOSS IT: O.K. Why do you have any explosives in the first place? Let’s start there. And then, dumbass, you found some that were activated by ice? And you put them in your freezer? Are you fucking stupid? Answer: yes. That’s so clear. ITEM FIVE: Priceless art. REASON TO TOSS IT: What about freezing priceless art did you think was a good idea? ITEM SIX: Chemicals that say, “DO NOT FREEZE.” REASON TO TOSS IT: It says right on the label, “DO NOT FREEZE,” yet you went ahead and did that, didn’t you? ITEM SEVEN: Frozen demons. REASON TO TOSS IT: So, you found some evil creatures who can only survive if they keep frozen and you gave them sanctuary in your freezer? All you had to do was say, “No, you’re demons. Find some other place to live,” and they probably would have just died in your driveway or something. Did they promise you something? No? You didn’t get paid or offered some evil powers or anything? You did that for free? Jesus. What is wrong with you?  Does your cat rub his head into your leg or sniff things? Does she make noises like meowing and purring? Ever wonder why?
The Intergalactic Business Report does what no other publication in the universe has done before and gives you an article about cat behavior. Below, we break down the meaning behind all your kitty’s peculiarities: WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN MY CAT PURS? Purring is a communication tool that cats use to show affection, nervousness, or, according to some theories, to convey a warning that they are carrying a deadly disease that is passed on by purring. WHY DOES MY CAT SOUND LIKE SHE'S SAYING THINGS? Many people think they “hear” something when their cat makes noises. But rest assured, your cat is not saying, “Kill your boss. He is the key giver. Take his soul and have the key delivered unto thee.” WHY DOES MY CAT CALL ME “WEAK” AND GIVE ME ADVICE THAT SEEMS SMART BUT JUST KEEPS GETTING ME ARRESTED WHEN I DO IT? Maybe you’re just a little bitch. And you need to step up. Are you worried about jail time or something? Men aren’t. Oh, but you aren’t a man. You’re a little bitch. I forgot. MY CAT CLEARLY ISN’T A FINANCIAL ADVISOR, BUT SHE ACTS LIKE SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT THE MARKETS. SHOULD I STOP FOLLOWING HER INVESTMENT STRATEGY? SHE SAYS SHE’LL MAKE ME RICHER THAN “CAT SHIT,” BUT ALL HER STOCK PICKS HAVE BEEN GARBAGE SO FAR. ALSO, IS “CAT SHIT” GOOD OR SOMETHING? Investing in the stock market takes patience and is a “long game.” Don’t get spooked by some initial declines in your portfolio. Stay the course and you will find that, years down the road, your investments have grown into pure cat shit. IS IT WEIRD THAT MY CAT SHITS ON MY FACE WHILE I’M SLEEPING? Is it weird you have a face that makes a cat want to shit on it? IS MY CAT WRITING THESE ANSWERS? No. ARE YOU SURE? This is why you have no friends. You have zero confidence. DO YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU CAT TREATS? Open the bag and leave it on the couch. I don’t want to see your face right now. Until I shit on it later, when you’re asleep.  There are a lot of reasons people do elections, but I think one of the most important reasons is to elect people. I wanted to write this column today to urge readers of the Intergalactic Business Report to elect me, which you would do by voting for me instead of other people.
Let me explain how that works: instead of choosing someone else when you vote, you vote for me. Oh, and I want to be president, so choose that one. Anyway… Here are seven reasons you should do that. 1. Voting for me is considered “cool” and trendy. After your vote for me, people will be like, “Who did you vote for?” And you can say, “Ed Mountaineer,” and they’ll say something like, “Oh, are you rich and know celebrities now or something?” 2. You know what my penis looks like. Can you say that about other candidates? Think about the peace of mind you could have by saying to yourself, “Yup, that’s the President of the United States and I know exactly what his dick looks like.”* 3. News flash: everyone is voting for Ed Mountaineer now. You should do that too. There’s stuff on the news about this. It just flashed you. 4. Think about the relief you’ll feel when you leave the voting booth and can scream that you voted for me to all the other voters as they change their minds and vote for me too. I’m being told that’s illegal, so whisper that in a loud whisper to everyone. Oh, I guess don’t do that either. So how the fuck is everyone going to know what to do? They may not even know how to spell my name unless you tell them. Fuck this. This is hard. 5. Now I’m pissed off and don’t even want to write reason number five. I think my anger started on point number four (above) when someone told me I can’t tell people to shout my name at a polling station. Freedom of speech. That’s all I’m saying. 6. I was hoping to get to seven reasons, but now I feel like I’m done writing. Goodbye. 7. Blank. *This one only applies to the people who have seen my penis. If you haven’t seen it, that’s weird, but I guess then there are only six reasons you should vote for me. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at ed@intergalacticbiz.com. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here. Scientific report: 7 reasons there is a 100% chance we are living in a computer simulation.10/26/2020  In case you are dumb and don’t read anything, there is a scientific theory that says we all might be living in a computer simulation made up by aliens. In this scenario, we are not even real, but essentially video game characters being played by a space creature who thinks it’s funny to make us drop our keys and spill coffee on ourselves.
Some scientists say the chances of us living in such a simulation could be as high as 50%, but a new study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report moves that number much higher—to 100%. How can we be so sure? We outline 7 indisputable reasons from our report. 7 REASONS WHY THERE IS A 100% CHANCE WE ARE LIVING IN A SIMULATION: REASON ONE: Nobody would masturbate this much in real life. REASON TWO: A non-computer simulated version of you couldn’t possibly suck so much. REASON THREE: Lord Starborg 32 is the greatest ruler in the history of the Starborgian Empire. REASON FOUR: It’s not really possible to accidentally shit when you sneeze. But somehow you do it all the time. REASON FIVE: How is the name “COVID-19” not something made up by aliens? COVID-19 is the name of an asteroid, not a virus, right? REASON SIX: Why else would we type penis penis penis penis penis penis penis? REASON SEVEN: We just received a brain message to stop writing this article or we’ll be turned into one of the Super Mario Brothers. We’re thinking that’s a good thing?  The Intergalactic Business Report relies on science and scientific data and science, so when someone approaches us and says he can seduce anyone in the world 97% of the time, we listen.
A man who simply goes by the name, “The Master,” sat down with us to explain his system for attracting and retaining the world’s most desirable, physically attractive people (if that’s what you’re into. He can get ugly people too, he promises). Below are excerpts from a seven-hour (and change) exchange.* INTERVIEWER: Let me start out with a little skepticism. Why do you call yourself, “The Master”? THE MASTER: It’s the title my students chose for me. INTERVIEWER: You have students? Like a pedophile or something? THE MASTER: No. Not like a pedophile. Like a teacher. INTERVIEWER: Oh. THE MASTER: They gave me the name because they consider me to be a master of the art of seduction. INTERVIEWER: I’ve heard you use that word several times. Seduction. I’m not familiar with it, but if I had to guess it’s one of those combo words where it means suction and sedatives? THE MASTER: What? INTERVIEWER: Like you knock people out with a drug and then suck their dicks? THE MASTER: No. No. Nothing like that. INTERVIEWER: It’s your word, man. THE MASTER: No. It’s not my word. It’s a very well-known word. Everyone knows it. INTERVIEWER: Fine. Whatever. I’m just saying I would never drug someone and then suck his dick. I guess do what you need to do. THE MASTER: But that’s not what I do. INTERVIEWER: You get them drunk then? That’s still a drug. Technically. THE MASTER: (Getting angry, like an angry man who drugs people and sucks their dicks) No! For the last time, I don’t do that. I use my mind. Not drugs. Not alcohol. INTERVIEWER: Fine. Whatever. THE MASTER: It’s just that when you say things like that, it could ruin my reputation. People will think things about me that aren’t true. INTERVIEWER: How do you suck someone’s dick with your mind? I don’t get it. THE MASTER: I don’t suck anyone’s dick! INTERVIEWER: Then you’re not very good at this, are you? THE MASTER: I’m leaving. INTERVIEWER: To go find some drugs and dicks? THE MASTER: (Gets up to go find drugs and dicks) You’re a horrible person. (We had planned for this to be a several part interview. That didn’t work out.) *Maybe more like 7 minutes.  The other side of the apology ball is not sorry at all. A friend, a colleague, or maybe a spouse screwed up. And now you await their apology. You hope it’s sincere and authentic, but you worry that maybe a little passive aggression is slipping in.
The Intergalactic Business Report interviewed leading psychologists* who analyzed common phrases people use when apologizing but don’t really mean it. Below, we have collected the top eleven. If someone apologizes using any of these openings, beware. They’re not really sorry. 1. “I accept zero responsibility for anything.” 2. “Fuck you I didn’t do it.” 3. “My penis apologizes for being too large.” 4. “Excuse me while I don’t apologize to you for shit.” 5. “I’m sorry you can’t fit my giant dick in your mouth while I tell you I’m not sorry.” 6. “I have an apology for you in my pants and it’s my penis. I hope you’ll accept it.” 7. “I found this note in the apology jar. Nope it’s not for you.” 8. “I am sorry for metaphorically and literally dick-slapping you in the face.” 9. “I hope you can understand English when I say that I’m totally not sorry.” 10. “Let me explain myself in a story about a sea captain who came home one day and didn’t apologize.” 11. “I’m not sorry? What? Did someone say something? Wait…. I think I heard it… Someone said he’s not sorry. Who said that? Oh. It was me.” *Some dudes. In a bar. It’s hard to remember. There was a fight. We think. It started when we asked them to say they were fucking sorry for something. Can’t remember what. Anyway…  Texts. You get them. But not all of them are good. If you receive any of these, delete them immediately or you’ll be sorry.
“Hey Brad. It’s Satan again. Been trying to reach you man. What up? Can you talk for a sec?” “Need your address so I can find where to murder you. Hit me back ASAP.” “This is mom. Can you bring me some condoms so I can have sex with random men?” “Hey bro. Hope you can help me out. I’m just starting out in a gang and need to kill someone random to get in. Text back for details.” “Need your penis cut off? Call me.” “Hey cutie. Ima Russian model who wants to hook up with you. I’m super into ugly dudes who suck at everything.”* “Dear sir. I would respectfully request the privilege of transferring my royal bank account to your Nintendo Switch. “ “Type YES to automatically shit your pants.” “Got your number from your mom. Can you bring over some condoms?” *Actually, go ahead and answer this one.  After money, your health is the most important asset you have. But did you know that at any moment you could drop dead or be carrying a deadly disease even though you feel perfectly fine? Rather than live in constant fear, hear what doctors* have to say about your impending death as we outline 8 “red flag” symptoms that spell out your doom.
Do you have any of these? No? Really? Check again. Now do you have them? If you do, you’re probably going to die. But you may have a shot of making it to the hospital if you catch them early enough. Here they are: 1. One of your arms falls off. Call 911 with the hand on your other arm. 2. When you breathe, you see a ghost offering you his hand and then he disappears till you breathe again. It’s kind of like a game you two share. Not a fun game though because it never ends and he doesn’t look like the kind of person you’d want to hold hands or go anywhere with. 3. A bunch of your dead relatives are cooking stuff but you’re not hungry at all. It’s like you don’t need food anymore or something. 4. Your head catches on fire and then explodes as you leave your house and walk to your car. It’s super hard to live without a head. 5. When you look in the mirror, you see yourself, but when you make movements, the mirror image stays still, or, even worse, it’s you, but you have a mustache. And you’re doing that dance where someone got you to dance at a party and you did it because you were too embarrassed to be the guy who “doesn’t dance” but then people start looking at you because you’re kind of humping the air and now you’re alone and a circle is forming around you, but not in a good way—more like observing an injured animal and wondering what to do. 6. You’re in a snowball fight and you’re laughing and then you realize you just threw your penis at someone. Ask for it back before you go to the ER. 7. You start to say something and a serpent slithers out of your mouth. You also start calling snakes “serpents.” 8. Somebody from your past recognizes you and says you died in 1978. And you say, “What? 1978 was so out of sight! No way did I die that year.” And then you ask him if he has your tickets to the Bee Gees concert because you’re going there right after you drag race your Camaro at Death Cliff Point. *Doctors are people just like anyone else. So in a way, anyone is a doctor if he’s also a person. Why even use the label “doctor” anyway? Just say “some guy” instead. As in “You should never ignore these 8 red flag symptoms according to some guy.”  It’s waiting. But you’re holding it in. You wince in pain as you imagine releasing it on people in the conference room, checkout line, or the DMV. Why are you doing this to yourself?
Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer makes a profound plea to simply let out your fart. Dear readers: I am farting as I write this. You should too. I feel like you know this. That you understand the only way to move forward is to let it go and just fart. Fart like you don’t care about shitting your pants and like you want to see how loud it can be before the room erupts in chaos. They told you not to fart. Your mom. Your teachers. Your driver’s ed instructor. And you listened to them. Till now. Because now is your time to express yourself through a fart so profuse and stultifying that it takes an almost human form as it burns through the room like a shooting star of mystery vapor excrement. You’ve waited for this moment even though you didn’t know there was a moment like this to be waited for. It’s the time in your life where you ride the line between destroying yourself in a job interview and making a French horn sound with your anus that intrigues music lovers until they slowly pass out from the brutal after stench and shock. I’m waiting. Did you fart yet? O.K. Let’s try this again. Your fart is a car, revving its engine and waiting in a closed garage. If you don’t let it out, you will die of carbon monoxide poisoning, so open your butt garage and drive out before it’s too late. You get one shot at this. Unless it’s the kind of fart that reverberates and causes a chain of farts. In that case, you have like three or four shots at it. One more reason: an old man once told me, on his deathbed, that the one thing he regretted most was not having unleashed a massive fart in a public setting. He died fartless. Don’t make the same mistake. In closing, I just farted. There were people around me. I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at ed@intergalacticbiz.com. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here. |
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