Disappointment burn #1.
You are now the victim of the Intergalactic Business Report’s very first disappointment burn. Congratulations. You may be a little off balance, upset, or just super duper disappointed right now. That’s normal. Below we describe what just happened and how you can deal with it.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED: We promised a crazy bikini picture if you clicked. We have nothing.
HOW YOU SHOULD DEAL: Picture the craziest bikini photo ever with the hottest model you can imagine. Now pretend you’re seeing it. While this will never make up for not actually seeing the craziest bikini photo ever, it’s something, right?
WHAT JUST HAPPENED: With free internet porn in abundance, you still clicked to see a photo of a woman wearing clothing. Why?
HOW YOU SHOULD DEAL: Do an internet search for actual bikini photos or maybe just hardcore porn. There you go.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED: You are so bored with your life that instead of doing anything else, you took the time to click on something that promised the “craziest bikini photo ever.” What’s wrong with you?
HOW YOU SHOULD DEAL: Accept that you have reached a level so low in your life that you’re willing to not only click on random crap about bikinis, but also read this crap, which is really really crappy.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED: In a fleeting moment, you believed you’d get some small satisfaction by viewing a picture of some woman in a swimsuit. You are not satisfied at all and are, instead, reading this total nonsense, which just makes everything way way worse.
HOW YOU SHOULD DEAL: Go to the store. Buy a bikini. Wear it. Take a picture of yourself. Post it online. Or send it to us and we’ll post it.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED: You used your finger to click something that you knew deep down could never give you any true happiness. You did it anyway.
HOW YOU SHOULD DEAL: Take a moment to reconsider all your stupid actions. Ever. We’re going to bet it’s a long long list.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED: You spent three minutes of your life reading this instead of being with your family, exercising, or doing practically anything positive. You can never get this time back.
HOW YOU SHOULD DEAL: Probably just tell us to go fuck ourselves for even saying that because what a dickish thing to bring up. You could really say that to anyone about anything he/she ever does because how many of us do super productive, positive things ever? Exactly.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED: You have just been fucked in the mind.
HOW YOU SHOULD DEAL: It is up to you to decide whether or not you enjoy “mind sex.” If you like it, keep clicking on crappy crap like this and read the Intergalactic Business Report. We do dumb shit like this all the time.
For years, I wouldn’t tell anyone about my trust fund. It was like this big conversation killer that changed the way people thought of me the moment they found out about it. It was like being married to someone you needed for financial support but whom you didn’t love.
Here’s the main thing about having a trust fund. It means that you’re taken care of for the rest of your life, which is great. But it also means that every person you know—all your friends, lovers, neighbors, and colleagues—will always resent you for having something they feel was just given to you, while they have to work for everything they get.
I just realized I mentioned “colleagues” in that list of people who judge you when you have a trust fund. I should be clearer on this. A colleague is someone you work with. I don’t need to work. And I don’t feel like just working to say I’m working, because that’s dishonest. Also, I feel like by me taking a work-job, that would mean that I’m denying someone else of it. So I don’t do that.
Which brings me to an interesting point. You would think that people who work for a living would be thankful to me for not taking one of their jobs. They aren’t. But every trust fund kid who decides to spend their day shopping or buying boats or taking a vacation somewhere great is doing this every minute, all the time. And this contributes to a higher employment rate for everyone, everywhere. It’s a little thing, maybe, but it means so much because if I really wanted to, I could buy a McDonald’s franchise, for instance, and just close it because I felt like it. That would leave a bunch of people unemployed. But I don’t do that. I think that would be wrong.
I wanted to use this column—and yes, my trust fund paid for this*--so that I could do more than just help unemployment numbers. I wanted to impart real wisdom to people who aren’t capable of thinking for themselves. People like you, I’m assuming.
It’s not your fault that you are dumber than me. My money helped me reach a higher level of intelligence. You don’t have that money, and so you aren’t able to think how I can. But I consider you “special” and I want to help you. And I promise, I will make this as simple as possible, so you can understand. Again, I don’t say all this to be condescending** or rude. I say it because I care about people.
I guess that some people in my family, a long time ago, were involved with the slave trade, and that’s how we all got so rich. I don’t even know why I’m bringing that up except to say that even something terrible can lead to something good, eventually, if you give it enough time to heal.
And so I want to heal you today by giving you five pieces of advice you didn’t know. Follow these and do better with your life. Maybe you’ll even get a trust fund, like me!
1. Don’t think in terms of dollars and cents. Poor people think of money as actual dollar bills that they give to strippers and so forth. But did you know that with a no limit credit card, you can practically buy a stripper? (I know, people aren’t for sale anymore, but I’m just saying.)
2. Money can make you more beautiful. My father is ugly as fuck. Everyone says so. I can barely look at him. But he married my mom, who’s like a really really hot model, even though she’s in her forties and getting gross and old. When they had kids, I turned out beautiful, because I got most of her genes. My little brother is ugly as fuck, just like my dad, but it doesn’t matter because he’s a guy and he can marry a model like my mom.
3. Stop thinking like a poor person! I know. You’re so poor that it’s like telling a fat person to just stop being so fat. But what if the fat person starting thinking like a skinny person? In his mind, he’d be slim and not disgusting. You can do that with your poorness!
4. Always have a maid to blame stuff on. I know. You’re not rich enough to have a maid, so maybe get a friend of yours with really low self-esteem to take the fall every time you screw up. Maybe your friend is nasty-looking or even works as a maid. The point is, you can always use someone below you to pin blame on. Caught with cocaine? That’s the maid’s cocaine. Hit and run accident? My maid was driving. Just replace “maid” with your friend’s name.
5. Have a good attitude. I can’t tell you how many non-trust fund people I meet who just have shitty attitudes that totally bring me down. You may think I don’t notice it, but I do. Stop complaining about your work, your life, and whatever else. You’re alive. You’re poor, but alive. That’s awesome for you.
*The editors at IBR will take your money if you want to be a journalist, columnist, or whatever. Make them an offer.
**This is a word I know from having an elite education from pre-eminent*** schools you’ve probably never heard of but if you mentioned them in front of rich people, the rich people would say, “Oh, yeah, I know that school. My grandfather went there,” and stuff like that.
****Another word that elite people use. I’m assuming you don’t know what it means because when would a word meaning “the best” come up in your conversations? You’d probably be more familiar with words like, “average,” and “just o.k.” and “time to kill myself I’m so average.”
Haley Debaron has a trust fund. It makes her rich. Probably richer than you and we don’t even know you. There’s nothing more to say really, than that. You can contact Haley at email@example.com.
Ever leave a charging cable, headphones, or anything with wires alone for five minutes only to come back to a mess of tangled insanity? Finally, science has the answers for how this happens. And they’re simpler than you think.
1. The devil. Yes, who would have thought that Old Scratch himself was responsible for your wires getting jumbled up. But a recent study concluded that the only way possible for a bunch of cords and stringy cables to suddenly move into incomprehensible nonsense was if Satan intervened and just said, “I’m going to spend the next two minutes fucking with Brett Standish of Cornish, Vermont by doing this to his shit.”
2. The wires are having sex with each other. While wires don’t have visible genitals, some scientists have submitted a theory that they receive and give sexual pleasure by rubbing themselves against one another. As they do this, they become tangled, and when you reappear to say, “How the fuck did this happen?” they freeze in embarrassment.
3. A witch put a curse on you. This doesn’t sound scientific at first, until you consider that the witch has a degree in science from a scientific university. She uses her science knowledge, according to scientists, to curse your wires so that it makes you want to cut through them with scissors and flush them all. Why did she put a curse on you? Because she hates you.
4. Your brain is malfunctioning. The wires you see are actually not tangled at all, because it’s impossible for wires to spontaneously tangle. What you see is a projection your mind has invented because it hates you.
5. It is all an alien test. Space aliens shoot rays at our wires from their space ships in order to test us. If you totally freak out, they know you are too stupid to be turned into one of their podmonsters. So freak out next time your see your fucked up wires.
6. You did it and you’re totally insane. Scientists agree the most likely explanation for tangled wires and cords is that you are bat shit crazy and blackout while you tangle everything. Then you come to and look at the mess you’ve created, thinking it happened on its own. You really need to get some help.
Have a friend who says stuff? Be careful he/she’s not secretly insulting you. Next time you hear one of these backhanded compliments, beware…
“You’re like a twenty wrapped in a one-dollar bill.”
“You don’t smell as bad as my uncle who sleeps in his own shit.”
“When you smile I forget all about your double chin for a half second.”
“You remind me of that model whose face got crushed by farming equipment.”
“You’re like a diamond. Your skin is shiny and I can’t tell where your mouth is.”
“You work harder than anyone else at being you.”
“I’d love to travel with you because your arms look big enough to carry my luggage.”
“Your soulmate is out there somewhere. All you need to do is start visiting carnivals and group homes.”
“You make me so wet when you talk like that… because you’re spitting all over my face.”
“If they made me shoot my friends, I would sacrifice you third to last, because I’ve known Jerry, Stella, Ricky, Jose, Sunil, Barry, Laura, Jim, and some of those other guys longer than you. But you’d definitely be ahead of Randy and that one dude whose name I can’t remember, so I guess he isn’t my friend. O.K. let’s rewind. I’d shoot you first to last. Right after Randy.”
“I’ve never met anyone like you because no two human beings are exactly the same.”
Following an exhaustive, multi-layered study involving scientific-social analysis, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals nine secrets that men never ever tell women. Here they are:
“Even though I can aim my penis at the toilet, I choose to aim it at a wall or the floor because I don’t want to show off and make you feel bad that your vagina has no aim at all. When you find my pee all over the place and scold me, I know you secretly feel better about your vagina.”
“I have no idea whether or not you pee through your vagina or something else, like a tube that’s connected to it. I don’t really care. I just go with the idea that you pee with your vagina.”
“When you try to explain to me that you don’t pee with your vagina and that I don’t understand female anatomy, or whatever, it’s a real turn off. Next time, consider making me a ham sandwich and maybe being quiet for five minutes.”
“If you bring me a cold beer while I’m watching a football game, I will fall in love with you all over again. Till the beer gets warm or I finish it. When that happens, my love will only be rekindled with another cold beer. And so on.”
“I’m secretly glad that you count how many beers I have every night, because I’m trying to break a record, and after a while I’m too drunk to count anymore. That’s where you come in.”
“My dream job would be sleeping in a race car bed next to a cooler of alcohol and a seventy-two-inch flat screen t.v. and I get up every morning to go to the mailbox where there’s a check for twenty-thousand dollars with a note attached that reads: Here’s this month’s check. Good job drinking and sleeping and watching t.v.”
“Whenever you’re right about something, I just pretend I’m you during that portion of the argument. When you keep telling me about your rightness, you’re just talking to yourself.”
“If I could pick up an apple with my butt cheeks I would do it. Shit. Now that I thought of that I have to try it.”
“Becoming ‘mature’ ending when I grew hair on my balls. Nothing else has really changed since.”
Are you someone without anxiety? Do you play it cool, go with the flow, and have water drip off your back (huh?). Well, this is why you’re dumb.
YOU: Flying is the safest form of travel.
ANXIETY: Is it safer than not flying, staying home, locking yourself in your house, and not answering the door?
YOU: If you worry all the time, you’ll never enjoy your life.
ANXIETY: Enjoy your life, till you’re killed by that guy in the clown suit you weren’t worried about.
YOU: Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.
ANXIETY: My girlfriend just revealed to me that she’s my uncle and the good news is she’s not a blood relative because my parents adopted me on a bet at a cocaine party.
YOU: Fear isn’t real. It’s something in your mind.
ANXIETY: Tell your mind not to be afraid while I release this bag of rats onto your face.
YOU: The only thing to fear is fear itself.
ANXIETY: I’m already terrified of fear, but thanks for letting me know you think that’s the number one fear I should have. I’ll move it up on my fucking list.
YOU: Go to your high school reunion. What’s the worst that can happen?
ANXIETY: I could show up and be voted “most weight gained since high school” just before the “Prom Killer” returns and murders me in the bathroom.
YOU: Take a chance. You only live once.
ANXIETY: Isn’t that the whole reason you DON’T take chances?
Whether you work at a Fortune 500 company, a small business, or serve the public good, your organization faces the same challenges when it comes to self-defeating behaviors and negative thinking.
Did you know that several common, harmless phrases you and your co-workers say all the time could be the root of your dysfunction? Today, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals the most dangerous phrases your organization uses daily. Stop using them and watch your team’s attitude and productiveness increase almost instantly.
“We’ve always done it this way.”
“Let’s kill everyone we disagree with.”
“We need to be perfect.”
“Bjorn's different. Let’s kill him.”
“There’s only one way to do this.”
“Look at Bjorn's stupid face. I think he needs to die.”
“We know what we’re doing and don’t need outside advice.”
“We should figure out a way to physically eliminate anyone who gives us advice we don’t agree with. And by ‘physically eliminate,’ we mean ‘kill.’”
“Work-life balance isn’t necessary.”
“Bjorn's life isn’t necessary. Let’s kill him.”
“Have fun on vacation, but please respond to my texts and emails within an hour.”
“Why hasn’t anyone killed Bjorn yet? Do I have to do everything myself?
Hypothetical sports matchups can be frustrating, because they usually involve comparing legendary athletes and teams from different eras. Would the 1978 Steelers beat the 2018 Patriots? Would Mike Tyson defeat Joe Louis? Would your mom please stop calling me and offering oral sex? These are questions no one can answer for sure.
Since the Intergalactic Business Report deals in fact and truth, we decided to calculate a matchup whose outcome we were sure 100% certain of. What would happen if you competed against a baby in a series of sports contests? We give you the answers below.
CONTEST ONE: Walking.
WHY: We believe strongly that since most babies can’t walk, you, as a grown adult, would win outright. However, we also calculated for the rare baby who could walk or hold on to couches and tables to propel itself forward. Even in this scenario, we would give you the slight edge.
CONTEST TWO: Hot dog eating.
WHY: In our contest, cut up hot dogs were not allowed. In order to win, you needed to eat entire hot dogs, with the bun and everything. Baby loses again, mostly because his parents won’t let him eat anything but baby food.
CONTEST THREE: Shot Put.
WHY: Even though we assume you suck at this sport and don’t really know how to do it, we are confident that you could throw a heavy ball at least a couple of inches forward, whereas a baby would be unable to lift the object. Also, its parents, again, would hamper its efforts by finding the Shot Put ball too dangerous and therefore not allowing the baby to even show up for the event.
CONTEST FOUR: Roller coaster riding.
WHY: Even if you’re scared of amusement park rides, you win this one just by showing up, since the baby is not tall enough to meet the entrance requirements.
CONTEST FIVE: Bicycle racing.
WHY: Someone’s dad putting the baby in one of those trailer things is a disqualification, so unless that baby gets on a fucking bike by himself (with no assistance!) and pedals it with its tiny little legs, AND beats you in a two-mile race, then you win. Again.
CONTEST SIX: Punt, pass, kick.
WHY: Just watch a baby try to get its hands around a football. It’s pathetic. They grip it with both hands and try to put it in their mouths. Your mouth isn’t going to throw a fucking football, baby! Go breast feed or something while the adult beats your ass in this matchup.
CONTEST SEVEN: Haunted house scare contest.
WHY: People say this isn’t a sport but fuck you. In this battle, the baby stays home and doesn’t even show up because his parents say things like, “Why would I bring a baby to a haunted house?” and, “What’s the matter with you people?” Result: you win again.
CONTEST EIGHT: Math problems.
WHY: Yeah, it’s a sport because there’s something called Mathletes. Look it up. And you are once more the victor because baby doesn’t know Math. Waaaah. Waaaah. Poor baby. Maybe you’ll learn this shit in fourth grade or something. But for now, you LOSE!
CONTEST NINE: Not shitting your pants contest.
WHY: Even if you shit your pants once or twice a week, it’s better than a baby who shits its pants all the time. Ewwww.
You are athletically superior to a baby in almost every way. Take your place on the stand to accept your medal while the baby gurgles, defeated, in its stroller.
We asked the universe for a bunch of stuff and it told us to go screw ourselves: an exclusive report.
After watching Jim Carrey, Buddhissh, self-help youtube videos for 47 straight hours, the IBR staff became convinced that the secret to success and happiness is simply losing all fear and asking the universe for what you want. We tried this and here are the results:
OUR REQUEST: Please let me get up one morning where some stupid shit doesn’t happen that makes me want to punch a fucking wall.
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Your toothpaste tube is empty, except for that crusty shit on the top. Use that to brush your fucking teeth while I make your cat throw up on your floor. Wall’s right over there if you want to put your fist through it.
OUR REQUEST: I want my novel published.
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Your rejection letter is in the mail, but it will get lost so you think for the next six months maybe your book is being seriously considered.
OUR REQUEST: Make me attractive to women.
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Here’s some food poisoning during your first date in six months.
OUR REQUEST: Let me know my dead mother is doing ok. Just give me a sign.
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Please read this letter you randomly found in an old book. It’s from your mother to some dude and it says that if only she didn’t have children she’d run away with him and be happy.
OUR REQUEST: Help me lose weight.
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Your body now is configured so that if you eat a cracker you will gain seven pounds of pure fat.
OUR REQUEST: I want that promotion at work.
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: You mean Phil’s promotion?
OUR REQUEST: Could the traffic open up so that I can make a left turn here and finally make it to work on time, just once?
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Could you please just wait another hour as the cars are timed to make a continuous blockade you can never penetrate?
OUR REQUEST: Let me win the lottery.
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: The winning ticket is at a Munchymart 50 miles away. Too bad you can’t drive there since your car was repossessed.
OUR REQUEST: Could you tell Jim Carrey to fuck himself?
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Here’s another video of Jim Carrey telling you how successful he is because he can just wish for stuff and it comes true.
The universe is a horrifying place, and you live in it. Now be prepared to know its most unsettling but totally true secrets.
1. The state of Kentucky got its abbreviation because so many of its people use KY jelly.
2. You do have a soulmate, but it’s a spider creature from a forbidden galaxy and it would fucking eat you if it ever got close enough.
3. Thousands of years ago aliens came to Earth to take a quick dump. That’s what the pyramids are.
4. The Wizard of Oz was a documentary.
5. Your mom is having sex with Randy again.
6. Your dad is too.
7. You may as well start having sex with Randy because everyone else in your family is.
8. Pokémon is funded by space creatures who want to slowly introduce us to their fucked up culture before they finally invade.
9. There was a porn version made of the Beverly Hillbillies. Guess what they did with Jed’s nipple about 10 minutes in.
10. You can never take back or forget the time in middle school when you refused to talk to anyone for a week without doing it in a rap version. “Uh huhh…. Yeah…. Yeah….. Uh huhhh…. So, Mrs. Davis, you got a question for me…. I’ll try to answer it now. I love social studeeeees.”
11. If you grow up on the East Coast, there’s a 97% chance you will participate in a circle jerk at some point in your adolescence. That’s just some weird East Coast shit.
12. When you feel dizzy, it’s a brain insect trying to kill you.
13. Peanut butter is usually tested with someone’s penis before they put the seal on it.
14. Déjà vu is something only you have. Whenever you describe it, everyone just agrees because they think you’re crazy and might attack them.
15. The most likely explanation for your existence is that you’re a robot and every time you see the number 11 it means your creator is reprogramming you, probably to do something stupid for her amusement.
16. The closest you will ever come emotionally to another human being is if he walks in on you while you’re taking a dump and you lock eyes.
17. Cheetos, Fritos, Doritos…
18. Think of the one person in the world you respect the most. Now picture that person half-masturbating, half-dancing to “We don’t need to take our clothes off to have a good time” by Jermaine Stewart. Now who’s the new one person in the world you respect the most? And so on…
19. Every time you do anything, there’s a slightly better-looking, slightly smarter, and slightly more successful version of yourself doing the same thing, only slightly better.
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.