Fitness guru Jonny Ripkin says this winter may be key to getting in the best shape of your life.2/15/2021  The Intergalactic Business Report’s fitness expert, Jonny Ripkin, creator of the Shred and Fed Diet, has some extremely hot advice about how you can use this winter to get in the best shape of your life.
WHO AM I? I’m Jonny Ripkin, and if you haven’t heard of me yet it’s probably because you don’t care about your body. But that’s O.K. Most people don’t, and there’s a very good reason. THE REASON PEOPLE DON’T CARE ABOUT THEIR BODIES. Because their bodies look like shit. Think about it. If you had a car that was a pile of crap and could barely run, would you care about it? Or would you just say, “Fuck this,” and light it on fire? SO, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO ABOUT YOUR PIECE OF CRAP BODY? LIGHT IT ON FIRE? Woah, hold up. Don’t set yourself on fire just yet, although if you do you will actually lose a ton of weight, super fast. In fact, it’s probably the fastest weight loss method out there. Lighting yourself on fire will literally burn off all the fat on your body. OTHER OPTIONS, BESIDES SELF-IMMOLATION. O.K., so the lighting yourself on fire thing is a great plan, but if you want to function as a living human being afterwards, it is problematic. Although, I do have to admit, if you burn yourself to death, you definitely will keep the weight off. It’s like a 0% rate of people who gain pounds after. Not bad. Not bad at all. But there are some more options out there you may want to also look at. LIKE WHAT? LIKE WHAT OTHER OPTIONS? I don’t know. Like diets. And exercise. But the more I think about it, burning yourself alive is a pretty damned good way to almost instantly lose weight. BUT YOU DIE. YOU DIE IF YOU BURN YOURSELF TO DEATH? Yes. I guess. I mean, who knows, but I guess that would be correct. I’ve never tried it obviously, so I can’t say for certain. But I can say it would make a cool name for a diet plan. Something like Learn to Burn or Burn and Turn (into the person you want to become), or whatever. I need to work on it. OTHER BENEFITS OF LIGHTING YOURSELF AFLAME. It’s winter, so people need heat. Sometimes they turn up their thermostats or they light fires. You could go near those people and give them warmth. That would be nice for them. IS THERE A TRADITIONAL DIET AND EXERCISE PROGRAM TO USE THIS WINTER THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE BURNING YOURSELF ALIVE? Probably. But I’m kind of stuck on this idea now. Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at info@intergalacticbiz.com.  A chiseled chin, striking eyes, and six pack abs may be obvious female attractors, but did you know there are eleven other ways men can appear more desirable to the opposite sex? And that none of them require natural good looks or working out eight hours a day?
The Intergalactic Business Report uses science to outline seven things you can do today to seem far more interesting, sexy, and coveted. Try these quick tips and thank us later. 7 ways to seem more attractive to women. 1. Instead of combing your hair with a brush, try driving a $250,000 dollar sports car. 2. You may not like your nose and feel it’s either too small, too big, or crooked. Did you know your nose will look more symmetrical if you tilt your head slightly to the right as you flirt with a bank cashier when you deposit a 7.5 million dollar check? 3. If your shirt is buttoned all the way to the top, you may be seen as a nerd, but if you unbutton the top two buttons and tell your Yacht captain he can release the bikini models onto the deck, you will appear more refined and sophisticated. 4. French wine is difficult to pronounce, so instead of embarrassing yourself on a date, have a helipad installed on top of your penthouse apartment. Then, when you order and don’t say the name right, you can just pause and say, “I’m sorry, my voice is all fucked up from shouting to my servants from my helicopter. Just pick anything." 5. Bragging can be seen as a sign of insecurity. Science shows that wearing a $40,000 Swiss watch is a silent way to project confidence. 6. Studies show that most women despise a messy house. Therefore, make sure your maid cleans your mansion before you have females over. 7. Lean meats, fruits, and vegetables are the core ingredients of a healthful diet, which doesn’t matter if you’re insanely wealthy. So do that instead.  Do you dress up like Darth? You may want to stop... In its most extensive and far-reaching survey ever, the Intergalactic Business Report interviewed women to find out what their biggest turnoffs in a man are. Although a few survey participants listed things like “not offering to pay for dinner” and “not holding the door,” the vast majority named these eleven things over and over. We’ve listed them below.
The top eleven things women say are turnoffs in a partner. 1. He’s really into Darth Vader. But not just really into him. He’s really really into him. 2. His penis is attached to his face. 3. He openly admits to being a serial killer. 4. He flings poo. 5. He opens his mouth and flies come out. 6. He can’t go on a date unless you remove the roof of his house and use the “jaws of life” to extract him. 7. He penis slaps instead of shaking hands. 8. He hunts deer but just to have sex with them. Then he throws them back into the wild. 9. He makes a bong out of your purse. 10. His name is Phil Ratuliak. 11. He only speaks by turning around and pretending his butthole is talking.  Guilt. It’s one of the worst feelings you can feel and sometimes it seems inescapable. If you’re eaten alive by remorse, you may be experiencing a brain function you have no control over. The Intergalactic Business Report offers a scientific answer for your pain. Below, we break down what happens as your mind processes “guilt.”
SITUATION ONE: You have unprotected anal sex with someone claiming to be the “devil” and when it’s over you eat a birthday cake you find on the floor near the bed. WHAT YOUR BRAIN DOES: A signal is sent from your brain and it says, “Are you actually eating a birthday cake you found on the floor after you had sex with someone who said they're the devil? Why did you do anal? Are you stupid?” SITUATION TWO: At a bar, someone asks if you want a Gorilla Fart, and you’re so drunk you don’t care whether it’s a shot of alcohol or a gorilla farting in your mouth. Turns out it’s alcohol but the effect is the same. You start screaming at people sitting around the bar. You ask them if they too want a gorilla fart and then you shit your pants. Your new boss is one of the people and asks if you’re an alcoholic. You tell him if an alcoholic is someone who bitch slaps little bitches like him then yes. WHAT YOUR BRAIN DOES: The morning after the incident, your brain processes the information and neurally transmits a message back to you. It is pretty straightforward: “Did you think it was a good idea to get shit-faced in front of your boss when you were getting appetizers before dinner at an out-of-town conference? That’s so fucking stupid. Now you’re fired and you still have to fly home in a seat next to him. It’s a four-hour fucking flight. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable that’s going to be? And why did you fling poo at him after you crapped yourself? You cleared out the bar and the restaurant over E. coli concerns. You are the dumbest piece of shit in the universe. Did you know that?” SITUATION THREE: Some guy named Melvin says he’s your son and you believe him even though there’s no way it’s possible considering he’s obviously older than you and is from a country you’ve never heard of. But you go along with it anyway as he demands repayment for the money he spent on his college degree in Contemporary Issues Management at a university you can’t find anywhere on the internet but which is apparently super fucking expensive. And now you’re writing checks to him and putting up his enormous family at your place and they eat a shit ton of food and have really bad hygiene. And they’ve starting beating you when their sports teams lose. WHAT YOUR BRAIN DOES: A week into your new living situation, your brain begins to make sense of what has happened and basically gives up trying to help you. It sends a final message to you that sounds like this: “O.K., man. I tried. I really really tried. But you’re beyond help. You are without a doubt the dumbest, most worthless, mentally deficient human being on planet Earth. You deserve every horrifying thing that happens to you because it’s almost like you seek out drama and perversion on a scale that overwhelms me and makes it impossible to intervene and prevent you from making one apocalyptic poor decision after the next. Good luck to you, and please don’t contact me again. Brain: Out.”  Dear guys. Ever notice the hole or slit built into your underwear? Ever wonder what it’s for? Today, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you the crazy reasons behind this sartorial anomaly.
The purpose behind the little hole in men’s underwear: 1. To put your dick through it to pee. 2. You could also just put your dick through it and not pee. (The peeing part is really up to you.) 3. If you didn’t have the hole you could just pull down your underwear to pee. 4. But you have the hole right there if you want it.  Until a week ago, I had never considered drinking non-alcoholic beer. To be truthful, I never thought of drinking non-alcoholic anything. What’s the point, I thought? The reason we drink is to catch a little buzz and lighten up a bit.
Nevertheless, I gave it a try for my "Dry January" column for the Intergalactic Business Report. What happened next surprised me. After not drinking alcohol for a week, I noticed some striking changes in my life. I share all of them below: -I felt as if I could make a reasonable assessment of who the people I was speaking to were. -I stopped urinating in my pants as I sat in front of the t.v. that I can’t figure out how to control (see below). -I discovered a calculator device that, when pressed, seems to make the television turn on and sometimes switch programs if you wait long enough. -I found that my voice has different “volumes,” which I can alter simply by thinking to my brain. Previously, I had thought there was only one sound level. -I lost my desire to see what I could fit up my butt.* -Neighborhood children stopped calling me, “AHHHHHHH! Here he comes!” -I successfully had sex with fruit without losing my erection. -I called an old friend who wasn’t my sixth-grade school librarian who has a restraining order against me even though she’s in an elder care facility and you’d think she’d like the attention because who the fuck would want to call her? -I stopped filming my poop.** -I gave back the otter to that kid. -I ceased the obscene “Mr. T” phone calls to my mom. -I came to the understanding that my robot is a mannequin I stole from a sporting goods store and that it doesn’t really love me even though the sex was consensual. -I realized that you cannot give yourself martial arts training if you have no experience in martial arts. -I stopped construction of the “troll hole” I was building to tunnel into my neighbor’s house. -I no longer am able to use the time portal in my bathroom that allowed me to enter other dimensions. *Some have suggested this is because I have “run out of things,” but I contend it is the not drinking. Even though I have run out of things. **Old films are still available. Hit me up. Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at cedric@intergalacticbiz.com.  Jonny says stop doing this. The Intergalactic Business Report’s fitness expert, Jonny Ripkin, creator of the Shred and Fed Diet, tells you what you need to know to get in shape post-holiday.
THE NUMBER ONE QUESTION: The number one question people ask me is, “How do I get in shape after spending the last two months eating like a circus freak who’s whole thing is to eat so much in front of an audience that no one believes it’s possible?” My answer is always the same: If you think weight loss has anything to do with how much food you shove in your mouth then you’re stupider than you look. DID YOU JUST CALL ME STUPID? Yes, I just called you stupid. You’re stupid because you have a very low IQ and struggle with basic math skills and have a limited vocabulary. But you’re also stupid because you keep getting fatter and fatter, year after year, and you never do what it takes to break the cycle. OK, MAYBE I AM STUPID. HOW DO I BREAK THE CYCLE OF BEING SO FAT, JONNY? You break it by finally not listening to every piece of advice you’ve received in the past from so called “fitness” and “nutrition” experts and instead start listening to me. BUT JONNY… THOSE FITNESS AND NUTRITION EXPERTS KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT, RIGHT? Wrong. And I’ll tell you why. Most “experts” believe that your body burns fat and loses weight when you take in fewer calories than you expend and when you increase your metabolism through exercise. But what if I told you that eating cheeseburgers and barely moving was the actual way you to achieve optimum weight loss? WAIT A SECOND. DID YOU JUST SAY I CAN EAT CHEESEBURGERS AND NEVER LEAVE THE COUCH? That’s what I said. And this is how it works. Your body is always striving to be efficient and productive. It wants to burn fat and keep you healthy. Ever have a bad disease? Your body tries to heal you by fighting it. Ever have a sexually transmitted disease? You need penicillin or your dick falls off. My program is kind of like an STD in that way. If you get it, your dick may fall off. THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Oh, really? Maybe what doesn’t make sense is that you’ve been trying the same thing, every year, over and over, and never getting results. O.K. JONNY. JUST TELL ME HOW I CAN EAT LIKE CRAP AND NOT MOVE AND STILL LOSE WEIGHT. Without going into the science, I’ll try to explain this as simply as I can. That body of yours is working hard all the time, like I said. Every time you go on a diet or exercise plan, it says, “Great! Jeff’s trying to get in shape. I should help him!” But after the fortieth time, your body just says, “Seriously, Jeff? You’re trying this again?” Instead of helping you, your body is pissed off and just bails on you, making it impossible to lose weight or get in shape. MY BODY IS PISSED OFF AT ME? That’s right. It is totally disgusted by you and with good reason. Your fat ass promises every year that it’s going to get “shredded” and “fit.” And after a few weeks you’re back to eating wings and drinking beer and looking like a hippo someone accidentally fed three hundred supreme pizzas to. Wouldn’t you be pissed off too? I SUCK. WHAT CAN I POSSIBLY DO? You do suck. You suck hard. Harder than you or anyone else ever thought possible before you started a life of fat assery. But there is one solution and that’s to just totally give up and trick your body into thinking you will never ever try to get in shape again. TRICK MY BODY INTO THINKING I’M NEVER GOING TO TRY TO LOSE WEIGHT? HUH? When your body finally believes that you have zero intentions of ever trying again, it stops being so pissed off at you and cruises into a state of apathy. When this happens it’s kind of like ketosis. Your body will stop working because it’s had enough. And that’s when the fat comes off. IF MY BODY GIVES UP, WON’T I DIE? Little known fact: when you’re dead, your body loses weight. So much that you soon end up with 0% body fat. YOU MEAN I WILL BECOME A SKELETON? That’s a little harsh. I like to say you’ll become “skin and bones.” Only without the “skin” part, I guess. WHAT IF I DON’T WANT TO DIE? CAN I STILL LOSE THE WEIGHT? No. At some point you need to get serious about this. Either commit to my plan or continue being fat and miserable. Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at info@intergalacticbiz.com.  Worst drink ever? The Intergalactic Business Report asked scientists* what they considered the worst drink you could put in your body and we were surprised to learn it was the “Monkey Shit Surprise.” We highly recommend you DON’T drink one, even if it seems like a good idea at the time**.
Below, we give you the details of the drink. MONKEY SHIT SURPRISE: Two parts pure monkey shit. One shot Aviation Gin. Splash of soda. Surprise! You’re drinking monkey shit. *Some dudes at a bar. **We tried one.  Every year you have the power to buy something you didn’t design or build yourself and hand it to someone with the expectation that the object you paid for somehow is a sign of how generous and amazing you are.
As gifts are unwrapped, you wait in anxiety, hoping your choices will be met with orgasmic cheer and crying. But what if it’s a fake orgasm? Through a deep psychological review, the Intergalactic Business Report finds that very often humans exhibit subtle “tells” and cues that indicate their approval or disapproval of a gift. If you see your recipient doing or saying any of these, they may not like their gift. 1. They mention, after unwrapping it, that they “didn’t invite you here” and that its “awkward when you show up and bring creepy gifts nobody asked for.” They add, “Is this monkey shit?” 2. They are very polite before opening the gift, but as soon as it is unwrapped they scream something about why did you put monkey shit in a box and wrap it and then give it to them. 3. They are constantly dialing the police and telling them that some guy they vaguely know from work came by and gave them gift-wrapped monkey shit. 4. They are distracted from the gift opening itself and steer the conversation towards other things, like why you would give someone monkey shit for Christmas. 5. Instead of appreciating the gift for its emotional relevance, they discuss it more intellectually, and ask where you found monkey shit and why you would think it was a good idea to package it as a gift and bring it to them. 6. They touch the gift and get monkey shit all over their hands and fingers. Something about this makes them lose their mind and they spend the next few minutes in a panic, running around the room, saying stuff like, “Get it off me!” and “What the fuck is this? Did someone say it's monkey shit?” 7. They say they really really like the gift, but you sense that can’t be true because you gave them a box of monkey shit. If you bought any of these products as Christmas gifts, return (or just burn) them today.12/22/2020  For many this holiday, giving gifts will be the highlight of the season. Nothing compares to watching someone’s eyes light up as they receive that perfect present you ingeniously chose and paid money for. But what if you chose poorly? And instead of eyes lighting up, you just see a mouth saying, “What the fuck?” in horror?
To save you from misery, the Intergalactic Business Report lists 7 items you may have bought as gifts for friends and family this year. If you thought these were a good idea, you were wrong. Remove them immediately from their spot under the Christmas tree and return (or just burn) them today. ITEM ONE: Monkey shit. REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: Since when would anyone want monkey shit for Christmas? What is wrong with you? You actually paid for monkey shit and then wrapped it up and were about to give it to someone as a gift? How much did you pay? You’d think it’d be free because who would pay for monkey shit? ITEM TWO: Human cadaver. REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: You thought maybe the recipient could use it to study anatomy, but you can’t just steal a body from a cadaver lab and wrap it as a gift. It stinks. It’s rotting. It’s under your tree. We hate to say this again, but what the fuck is wrong with you? ITEM THREE: Puzzle box that opens the gates of Hell. REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: Like the Rubick’s Cube craze of the 1980’s, the Gates of Hell Puzzle Box gives someone the opportunity to solve a complex puzzle and feel great about his intellect when it’s over. Unfortunately, the Gates of Hell Puzzle Box also opens the gates of Hell, which means everyone will be sucked away into the darkness of eternal damnation as soon as it’s completed. Question: Where the fuck did you find a Gates of Hell Puzzle Box? ITEM FOUR: Bag of money you stole from a drug lord. REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: While it seems grandiose and cool to present someone with a gigantic duffel of cash, your fucking life is in danger. You need to arrange a way to get that money back to the drug lord and you have to RUN. Leave the fucking country. What the fuck were you thinking? ITEM FIVE: Vipers. REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: They bite and are impossible to catch once they slither out of the gift box. ITEM SIX: Cursed objects from ancient temples, pirate ships, or turn-of-the-century brothels. REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: The main reason is that they’re CURSED. That’s a bad thing in case you didn’t understand. Jesus. ITEM SEVEN: Food from famous movies. REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: Yeah. Emilio Estevez was eating that sandwich in the Breakfast Club and it's kind of cool that you have it now. But that sandwich is from thirty-five years ago. How much did you pay for that anyway? Did Emilio Estevez sell it to you or something? Why the fuck would he hold on to a sandwich for 35 years? You didn’t take a bite of it, did you? Jesus. |
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