After money, your health is the most important asset you have. But did you know that at any moment you could drop dead or be carrying a deadly disease even though you feel perfectly fine? Rather than live in constant fear, hear what doctors* have to say about your impending death as we outline 8 “red flag” symptoms that spell out your doom.
Do you have any of these? No? Really? Check again. Now do you have them? If you do, you’re probably going to die. But you may have a shot of making it to the hospital if you catch them early enough. Here they are:
1. One of your arms falls off. Call 911 with the hand on your other arm.
2. When you breathe, you see a ghost offering you his hand and then he disappears till you breathe again. It’s kind of like a game you two share. Not a fun game though because it never ends and he doesn’t look like the kind of person you’d want to hold hands or go anywhere with.
3. A bunch of your dead relatives are cooking stuff but you’re not hungry at all. It’s like you don’t need food anymore or something.
4. Your head catches on fire and then explodes as you leave your house and walk to your car. It’s super hard to live without a head.
5. When you look in the mirror, you see yourself, but when you make movements, the mirror image stays still, or, even worse, it’s you, but you have a mustache. And you’re doing that dance where someone got you to dance at a party and you did it because you were too embarrassed to be the guy who “doesn’t dance” but then people start looking at you because you’re kind of humping the air and now you’re alone and a circle is forming around you, but not in a good way—more like observing an injured animal and wondering what to do.
6. You’re in a snowball fight and you’re laughing and then you realize you just threw your penis at someone. Ask for it back before you go to the ER.
7. You start to say something and a serpent slithers out of your mouth. You also start calling snakes “serpents.”
8. Somebody from your past recognizes you and says you died in 1978. And you say, “What? 1978 was so out of sight! No way did I die that year.” And then you ask him if he has your tickets to the Bee Gees concert because you’re going there right after you drag race your Camaro at Death Cliff Point.
*Doctors are people just like anyone else. So in a way, anyone is a doctor if he’s also a person. Why even use the label “doctor” anyway? Just say “some guy” instead. As in “You should never ignore these 8 red flag symptoms according to some guy.”
It’s waiting. But you’re holding it in. You wince in pain as you imagine releasing it on people in the conference room, checkout line, or the DMV. Why are you doing this to yourself?
Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer makes a profound plea to simply let out your fart.
I am farting as I write this. You should too. I feel like you know this. That you understand the only way to move forward is to let it go and just fart. Fart like you don’t care about shitting your pants and like you want to see how loud it can be before the room erupts in chaos.
They told you not to fart. Your mom. Your teachers. Your driver’s ed instructor. And you listened to them. Till now. Because now is your time to express yourself through a fart so profuse and stultifying that it takes an almost human form as it burns through the room like a shooting star of mystery vapor excrement.
You’ve waited for this moment even though you didn’t know there was a moment like this to be waited for. It’s the time in your life where you ride the line between destroying yourself in a job interview and making a French horn sound with your anus that intrigues music lovers until they slowly pass out from the brutal after stench and shock.
I’m waiting. Did you fart yet?
O.K. Let’s try this again. Your fart is a car, revving its engine and waiting in a closed garage. If you don’t let it out, you will die of carbon monoxide poisoning, so open your butt garage and drive out before it’s too late.
You get one shot at this. Unless it’s the kind of fart that reverberates and causes a chain of farts. In that case, you have like three or four shots at it.
One more reason: an old man once told me, on his deathbed, that the one thing he regretted most was not having unleashed a massive fart in a public setting. He died fartless. Don’t make the same mistake.
In closing, I just farted. There were people around me. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at email@example.com. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
Those longing eyes. The pulled back ears. The detailed instructions to kill people. For years it has been a mystery what canine behavior actually means. But in a recent scientific study using brain scans* the Intergalactic Business Report may have just gotten closer to answering the question of what your dog really thinks of you.
We studied brain activity in a sample of dogs and watched as lights lit up on screens in front of us, indicating scientific truth we had not been aware of. Our interpretation of flashing lights and computer screens led us to some stunning conclusions and insights, including the ability to actually read dogs’ thoughts. We know. It’s something where we should win the Nobel Peace Prize or something? Anyway… Read what we discovered:
Dogs fucking hate us.
Let’s get this one out of the way first. All the dogs we studied said the same thing. That they see us as prison guards who hide food from them and lie.
They also think we’re mentally slow.
Many of the dogs remarked that the constant, obsessive talk about how they’re “such a good boy” followed by the incessant question about whether they know and understand that, was an indicator of low intelligence or dementia.
What’s with the fucking leash?
This was the reply most of them had when asked, “What is the one question you’d like humans to answer?” This was slightly ahead of, “Why do they watch my butthole when I poop?”
When they pull back their ears it’s dog language for, “You are a twat.”
We asked them if “twat” could be substituted for another word and they all said no. Twat is super specific in this case.
Barking is a way of mocking us.
When dogs bark, they are imitating us, but in a sarcastic way. Said one dog, “When I look out the window, start barking, and then look back at you, I’m really saying, ‘Hey, prison guard, look at me! I can yell at stupid shit too! Look! I’m you!’”
Most of them see their existence with you like a prolonged alien abduction.
They added that they’d prefer being captured by real aliens even if it meant getting the ass probe.
When you sleep, they get excited you may finally be dead.
But you’re not. So… The next day it’s back to “Who’s a good boy” and watching their buttholes.
They think you suck at sex.
Especially doggy style. They think that’s super funny and they lose their shit when they say that. We felt kind of uncomfortable, honestly, because it isn’t that funny and we could kind of see it coming. But we guess dog humor is pretty basic?
*Brain scans are scientific.
How you talk and what you say have a serious effect on what others think of you, a new study by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals. Using intelligent words can make you sound smart or even not stupid, while using the following common utterances will scientifically* make you sound less intelligent:
REASON YOU SHOULDN’T SAY THIS:
Starting your sentences with the word “duh” might seem like a good idea, because while you’re saying it, you have an extra second for your brain to think of something to say. Unfortunately, many people associate the sound “duh” with being dumb.
PHRASE/WORD: “Me go poopie in my pants.”
REASON YOU SHOULDN’T SAY THIS:
You’re just trying to tell the others in your conversation that you’re about to take a dump in your pants, and you would think this would be seen as a common courtesy. However, our study found that many people associate announcing your bowel movement and then having it as you stand there staring at everyone, with mental illness and yes, being less intelligent.
REASON YOU SHOULDN’T SAY THIS:
Screaming at people in the middle of a conversation can be interpreted as an inability to say words or express your thoughts. Even though you probably mean well and are simply trying to emphasis a point or let others know that you are threatened in some way and might hurt them if they don’t run, shouting in this manner will not win you “smart points” with your friends or colleagues.
PHRASE/WORD: “Your name likes boobies!”
REASON YOU SHOULDN’T SAY THIS:
While it seems reasonable to tell someone your likes and preferences so that they understand you better, our study indicates that this particular phrase leads people to think you are not very bright because the perception is that intelligent people, although thinking the same thought, keep it to themselves.
PHRASE/WORD: “I took an IQ test and I got a 68.”
REASON YOU SHOULDN’T SAY THIS:
When you reveal the results of your IQ test and it is at the very dumb level, people believe right away that you are indeed very very dumb, even if you feel you aren’t and were actually bragging.
PHRASE/WORD: “PFFFFFFFFFFFT….” (Made by putting your lips together and making a farting sound.
REASON YOU SHOULDN’T SAY THIS:
Amazingly, many people still don’t see the humor in this and say they are offended when saliva hits them in the face. Although we stand by this as a scientific indicator or human excellence and intelligence, the perception is the opposite, and if you do this regularly in conversation, you are likely a misunderstood genius type person.
*Science is true.
The Intergalactic Business Report’s fitness expert, Jonny Ripkin, creator of the Shred and Fed Diet is back with some advice if you didn’t reach your goals this summer.
WHO I AM:
I’m Jonny Ripkin, a fitness expert whose body is exactly what you wish you had but you don’t.
WAS THAT HARSH?
Yes. And I did that on purpose. I pointed out that the body you have is not the body you want. But I also pointed out that even if you did have the body you want, you couldn’t have it, because that would be my body and two people can’t occupy the same body. I tell my clients and friends this because it shows them that no matter how hard they try, they can never get what they want.
“WAIT, JONNY. DID YOU JUST SAY I CAN WORK AS HARD AS I WANT AND NEVER GET THE BODY I WANT?”
Yes I did. Whatever you do, it will never be enough unless you could somehow become me, which would involve penetrating my dojo and beating me in some kind of highlander battle, and even then it wouldn’t work because how would you physically get inside my body after you defeated me (which you could never do)?
“HOLD UP, JONNY. DOES THIS MEAN I SUCK?”
Yes. As far as fitness and how great your body looks you suck. But just compared to me.
BUT WAIT. THERE’S HOPE.
I wouldn’t write this whole thing just to discourage you from reaching your dreams. All I’m saying is that your dreams can’t include matching me in any way. But you can have little dreams that are totally doable.
YOU WASTED THE PANDEMIC AND GOT FATTER EVEN THOUGH YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE.
Just a comment.
SO, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO TO LOSE WEIGHT?
I look at a lot of my clients and think, “This fat piece of shit actually got off the couch and walked in here. That means he can walk.” That’s a start. And if you can walk, you may be able to fast walk and even jog a little before you go into cardiac arrest. And it’s in those moments between sitting on your couch and having the paramedics arrive that your body is burning fat and building muscle.
“THAT SOUNDS PRETTY GRIM, JONNY,” YOU’RE WHINING RIGHT NOW.
Yes, your impending death is something you deal with every day and I’m sorry (I guess?). It’s not really any of my business so I try to stay out of that.
ANY ADVICE, JONNY?
Yes. Manage your goals. For a lot of people, being in shape just isn’t their thing. It’s like being attractive or smart or successful. It may not be for you. So don’t be ashamed. Just follow my biggest piece of advice, coming up next…
MATCH YOUR DREAM WITH YOUR ABILITY.
Kind of like Marxism (I think), you should only be judged on your need and ability. In your case, you need to lose weight, but you don’t have the ability. Is that how that works? My editor’s always telling me I need to get deeper and sound more “philosophical.” I think I accomplished that here.
WHAT’S THE FINAL MESSAGE I WANT TO SAY TO YOU?
Just believe in yourself. Stop judging. I think you’re beautiful (that message is just for hot chicks, so ignore if you’re not). You don’t need to be anybody to anyone except your fat self. That’s good enough. It’s not like they’re rounding up fat people. It’s not against the law or anything.
Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Not showering is a thing now and you have questions. The Intergalactic Business Report uses science to explain exactly what happens to your body when you stop washing yourself.
1. You feel “stinky.”
This means that bacteria and dirt you’ve accumulated on your skin begins to make you feel unwashed and unclean and as if you are emitting a “stinky” odor to everyone around you.
2. You are stinky.
You are emitting a foul odor to everyone around you. It’s coming from your body that hasn’t been washed.
3. Your smell is what it smells like on French public transportation.
If you’ve never been to Europe or France, this is your opportunity to feel like you’re riding a subway there. Actually, it’s more of an opportunity for every human around you to feel like they’re whiffing the B.O. of multiple Frenchmen confined to a metal tube with no air conditioning. So in a sense, you’re giving a gift.
4. Hobos stop asking you for money because they think you’re one of them.
It’s kind of like in zombie movies where people cover themselves in zombie guts so they can travel undetected.
5. You give off a “I don’t give a shit about how I smell” vibe to anyone you encounter.
You immediately let people know that on a scale of one to ten of how much you care about how horrid the stank coming off your body is you can't even measure it anymore because you broke the scale when it smelled you.
6. You will never get mugged.
Criminals will smell you from distance and know you couldn’t possibly have any money. They also worry that any transaction with you may involve touching in which they may get leprosy or whatever it is that’s wrong with you.
7. You will never get laid.
Unless it’s with someone who emerges from a sewer and carries you away.
Salmonella outbreaks. Manager’s “specials.” Expired meat and fruit. Every time you enter a grocery store, you’re taking a risk from which you may never recover. As scary as this sounds, there is a safe way to grocery shop, if you follow some basic rules.
Intergalactic Business Report health advisors* compiled a list of what you should never buy when you’re at a supermarket. Avoid theses commonly bought items so you can concentrate on other imminent threats to your existence.
1. Used dildoes.
2. Human feces.
3. Wild monkeys.
4. Boxed demons.
6. Clothing designated as “worn by a murderer.”
7. Books that claim to have mafia phone numbers.
8. Animal organs that grocers say “are interchangeable“ with human ones.
9. Fruit that have “sex holes” drilled in them.
10. Dick cheese.
11. Hotdogs that are already in the bun and look like penises and are presented by the butcher at waist level.
12. ABC gum.
13. Celebrity urine.
14. Rotisserie ass meat.
*”Advisor” technically means anyone who gives advice. “Health” refers to the kind of advice that was given.
A message from my husband that shook me to the core—but made me a better wife. If every woman in America read this, it would be awesome.
It was a Tuesday and I was busy doing my usual stuff—complaining that everything wasn’t perfect and acting kind of crazy—when my husband passed me a note. It said some woman he knew suggested I read a book about relationships and how to make my husband happier.
I was floored. Some woman? From where? What did she know about our relationship and what had my husband told her?
I collected myself and asked my husband, “Am I really that bad?” His answer: “Worse.”
“I don’t make you happy?” I asked. Then he kind of jingled his empty beer can and looked at me from his couch.
Instead of doing my usual and telling him if he wanted another beer he could get up and get it himself and instead of asking him if he knew that was his 9th or 10th beer in the last two hours, I decided to just turn off my insanity for a moment and get him another one.
When I returned, he looked pleased. I continued to ask him questions.
“What work do we need to do on our relationship and what am I doing wrong?”
He explained. “Even when you’re here, it’s like you’re not here.”
I tried not to get defensive. “What does that mean?” I asked sincerely.
“Like when I’m watching a game or something. And I need dip or chips or a beer or whatever. It’s like you’re not even here.”
It was true. For years, I had ignored him when he drank beer and demanded appetizers or for me to bring him a bucket he could pee in so he didn’t need to leave the couch and miss something. One time, he was watching porn and asked if I could turn up the volume for him because his hands were busy. I glanced at him and instead of helping out, I frowned and coldly said, “Do it yourself.”
I went online and found the book his female friend recommended. It was something about how to use a stripper pole for exercise. Great idea. I ordered it. Since I didn’t have a stripper pole in the house, my husband recommended I just “kind of dance around” when I bring him beer. I was surprised how quickly and creatively his mind worked. I’d never taken the time to notice that.
Flash forward several months and things have definitely improved. Is it perfect? No. But what is? My husband doesn’t worry about service anymore, and I am truly present, which means I am kind of “on-call” until he passes out and I have to clean up his food and urine and sometimes vomit. Then I have “my time” where I do whatever I want before getting up for work the next day. I usually spend “my time” sleeping, which is perfect.
In conclusion, I’m proud of my husband for having the courage to talk to me and offer me feedback on how I’m doing in our marriage. If he hadn’t done that, we may have gotten a divorce and he’d be with Glenda, the stripper who told him to get me that book.
Wish I could write more, but I hear a beer can jingling! Bye!
Editor’s note/update: This story was submitted by Dale Piper or Elks Grove, Mississippi. It is told in “the voice” of his wife and is meant to reflect the spirit of what she would probably say in real life. Or should say, he says. They are divorced. She has the kids. Dale is part-time DJing at the strip club. It’s complicated right now.
Longevity. It means long but also with “gevity.” People today want to stretch out their existence as far as possible because life is so awesome and fulfilling that even a few extra moments are totally worth it. Today the Intergalactic Business Report shows you how to suck the marrow* out of life and gain a valuable two or three seconds.
In a scientific research study involving scientists, we discovered the five things that some people do to live an average of one to two seconds longer. Are you one of them?
1. Instead of eating a consistent high fiber diet, they eat one apple, once, which offers them approximately two seconds of extended life.
2. Before they take their last breath of life, they wait one or two seconds, thus giving them an extra one or maybe two seconds of life.
3. When the Grim Reaper appears and says it’s time to go, they answer with, “Just one sec.”
4. They look at their watch, wait two seconds, and then pop out to surprise the Mafia by saying, “Hey you fat Italian pieces of shit! I fucked your mothers! And your spaghetti sauce sucks!”
5. Instead of saying, “One… Two… Three… Jump!” they say, “Five… Four… Three… Two… One… Jump!”
You drink too much. You think of your grandmother during sex. Both of these are common reasons for not being able to hold your boner. Now new medical research reveals these aren’t the only causes for your softness. We share them with you below:
1. The gun in your mouth isn’t loaded and you can tell by the weight.
2. You’re thinking about Beavis, but Butthead keeps showing up in your mind.
3. You don’t have a penis.
4. When you asked for “makeup” sex, your partner put a mascara tube in your ass and getting it out is now the focus.
5. The robot voices in your head won’t say, “engage penis growth” until you give them your Paypal password, which you had to change last time because they bought a bunch of Hello Kitty shit on Ebay.
6. Your partner keeps whispering shit like, “Hello Satan,” and pretending she has a really bad speech impediment.
7. The oxygen required to stay conscious while in a headlock totally drains the oxygen required to maintain an erection.
8. You’re trying to fuck a cardboard cutout of Adrian Zmed and there’s something about his smile…
9. The Japanese businessmen watching you are putting way too much pressure on you to perform.
10. You can’t stop thinking about the riddle the troll gave you: “What hairy and scary? And where your penis you will bury?”
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.