 If you’ve given up making New Year’s resolutions because no matter what you promise to become or change you will always be a fat, disgusting nobody who’s locked into being that, then why not do things differently this year by making goals you don’t even want to keep because if you did it would make your life even crappier?
Just as we do every year, the Intergalactic Business Report provides you actionable insights about the New Year that you won’t find anywhere else. Stop being disappointed by not keeping your resolutions and instead be thrilled you didn’t. For years, you’ve been doing this wrong. Around January, you look back at the year and see the fuckups, misses, chances you didn’t take, and the opportunities that faded right in front of you because you were too slow, weak, or stupid. It’s a pattern of regret and depression that only makes your fat worthless self fatter and of even lower value. But that all changes this year because now you have the power to choose resolutions so destructive, awful, or inane that next year you can cheer yourself for NOT doing them. If that sounds too good to be true it’s because you are indeed too stupid and weak to have come up with this by yourself. Not to worry because we have you covered. Strike whatever you planned to resolve next year and adopt these 18 life-changing goals that are in your best interest to fail utterly, which is kind of your strength. 18 New Year’s resolutions you won’t want to keep. 1. Figure out how to make and store beef jerky. 2. Start playing Pickleball. 3. Write a book about how you’re Jesus and do all the illustrations too. 4. Become the fattest man in the world and record your journey as you surpass other fatties including the ones you never thought you could get near, like the ones on t.v. who are known for their fattitude. 5. Fight farm animals “mono-a-pata” and record your journey. 6. Start a John Wayne Gacy museum where you offer a non-lethal John Wayne Gacy “experience” where you dress up like a clown and try to choke people. 7. Figure out how to do day trading. 8. Get a license plate that says: “CRYPTOKNG.” 9. Become an untrained, amateur mercenary who lives by his own code of honor which is to never use weapons and to never be trained how to fight. 10. Start your own YouTube channel where you do “hitchhike” Karaoke by getting people to give you rides and then making them think you might kill them if they don’t sing super loudly to pre-selected songs you play on your unwieldy and massive boombox. 11. Buy the domain name “tittyhumpers.com” no matter the price. 12. See how many mortgages the bank will let you take out on your home, with three being satisfactory and nine being “elite” level. 13. Start a charity where you sexually service violent homeless people to temporarily make them less violent by quelling their urges and keeping them off the street, allowing that because they are homeless that last part might not be possible and you may need to fuck or suck them off right there. 14. Complete your prototype for “Penis Pool” and make it very clear to investors it has nothing to do with water and everything to do with whacking pool balls into holes with your dick. 15. Ascend to the throne and then realize the responsibilities and scrutiny are too much and that you can never escape your duties as sovereign. 16. Become the guy who breaks people’s toilets with his face. 17. Be an independent secret shopper who records all his grocery trips, ranks products and service, but keeps his reports in a mystery vault his kids find one day and say: “What the fuck is all this?” 18. Finally make your own version of “peanut butter” that doesn’t stick to the roof of your mouth because it isn’t really peanut butter and doesn’t taste like peanut butter and doesn’t even look like peanut butter, at which point you’re arrested for what’s really in it.  We’re embarrassed. The Intergalactic Business Report has been studying farts (formally) for almost ten years (and informally for 36) and Johns Hopkins University exceeded our efforts by discovering that fart vapor could treat and prevent Alzheimer’s.
As many publications cover this breakthrough, we agree this is one of the most astounding developments in the history of science. It also presents more questions than answers. For example, each article we found about the study clearly stated that hydrogen sulfide, the farty chemical released through one’s butt crevice, could have powerful cognitive effects on those who smelled it. Mysteriously though, every article also insisted you smell “your own” farts but neglects to explain why those are better than other people’s. In addition, while credit is given to a scientist at Johns Hopkins, we feel this all bears the skidmarks of Dr. Albert “smelly” Bernheiser, creator of the Fartpocalypse machine and owner of the trademark “Farty Party” van (available for prom, bar and bat mitzvahs, and vow renewal ceremonies). We may never know the truth, but we’re putting this out there now because if it’s true we said it first. We also question whether the research, which the scientists contend came from injecting mice with some kind of fart juice compound, was actually just a “who put his peanut butter in my chocolate” moment inadvertently discovered at a senior living community where unruly and noncompliant members are sometimes punished by being placed in a close windowed cafeteria as caretakers fart through the ventilation system until they submit. We imagine that instead of submitting, the farts made the seniors grow stronger and smarter until they figured out how to access the vents, crawl through them, and murder their captors. Again, we may never know. But while we may investigate this further in the future, we feel it’s imperative for now to use the knowledge available to help people in cognitive decline by giving them practical ways to inhale the purest forms of fart vapor. Below we list several ideas to unclog your mind by smelling farts. Practical ways to inhale fart vapors and stop your cognitive decline. Butt funnel. This simple method involves a funnel and your butt (if you’re flexible enough). If you can’t stretch to sniff, you may borrow someone else’s (butt). Just have him or her fart through the funnel that is completely covering your face. Breathe in. Don’t breathe out. Dutch oven. The classic fart containment method is effective in that it only requires a blanket, and two or three people can feasibly all benefit from the fart as it is captured in a makeshift “terror dome” of excremental fumes. You may be tempted to escape, but doing so will limit the effectiveness not only for you, but for others. Try to be selfless. Hot fart box. This involves lighting a fart on fire and taking it in your face. We are not totally sure about the efficacy of this method because it is like an explosion and might just burn off your face, but the drama and spectacle may entice others to join your fart smelling journey. Fart hole. While a little more complex than the fart funnel (see above) the fart hole is like a glory hole only instead of a penis going through it, it’s a fart. Cleveland steam room. Although experimental, this is where someone takes a dump on the floor of a steam room and you sit in there with the smell. Not sure if this releases hydrogen sulfide, but, like farts, it definitely smells like shit. So there’s that. Fart bong. Instead of ripping a bong hit, you’re now ripping a fart-infused bong hit and the high is stinky good. In fact, Jamaicans are now calling this “smokin’ da stank weed.”* *No they’re not.  Like most single men, you want to meet someone cool, attractive, and smart. You picture how the interaction may go—playful banter, flirting, and a lot of eye contact. In reality, when you meet a girl, you always blow it. It may come as a relief to know that it’s not you—it’s psychology.
We talked to experts* and asked them what it is that turns women on and off when you have a conversation, and while we didn’t get to the part that turns them on, we did find out what sends them running. Turns out three commonly used phrases are negative triggers that could make women repelled by you. We share them below. Three phrases that make women lose interest immediately. 1. “I’m so poor I can’t afford plastic surgery to remove my extra nipples and stop the puss from coming out of my forehead.” 2. “Have you seen my penis? Because I haven’t in seventeen years.” 3. “Blaaaaaaaah! Blaaaaaaaah! ARRRRRRRRRRgh!” *Drunk people who may not even have been drunk but just acted that way.  Just in time to ruin our hard-drinking holiday season, an excerpt from a New York Times podcast about why you shouldn’t drink alcohol has been popping up all over the internet as a foreboding warning about the dangers of overconsumption and that we will all die early unless we abide by the wisdom of “health reporters” and other dubious experts.
The quote in circulation comes from NY Times health reporter Dana G. Smith, who is known for her uplifting Dry January article, “Even a little alcohol can harm your health.” The podcast quotes her saying: “You can’t just not drink Monday through Friday and then have all seven or 14 drinks on the weekend and think that you’re still within the moderate limit.” We found this a little harsh until we began speaking with our own health experts* who told us that Smith’s caution was light when compared with their warnings. For example:
*We meant “perverts.” We regret the error.  You may know me. Not know me know me, but you’ve seen me. And heard me. Almost two or three times a week I’m in a United Airlines lounge, on my phone, talking to someone and it’s loud. Fucking loud. Because my conversations are important.
What I’m talking about on my phone leaves little to the imagination, because you hear every word. Every. Fucking. Word. I usually pace a little by the bar or dangerously close to your crappy little table where you toil to read something and eat from your tiny plate of food. This lounge is MY lounge. And you are my supplicant. When the government shutdown hit, and air traffic controllers and TSA people stopped showing up to work, it threatened a lot of things for me. For one, when flights were cancelled or delayed, I sometimes had no good reason to be in the airport, let alone the lounge. Even when I made it there, the delays were sometimes so long that I ran out of people to call and my voice became hoarse from hours of forcefully explaining my philosophy on taking care of customers so that you and everyone in the entire lounge could clearly hear my every word. One time I accidentally called someone twice and started in with my speech about believing in a personal connection with each of my clients and the person was like, “You just called me ten minutes ago and said the same thing,” to which I had to skillfully reply, “I know. I just wanted to make sure you really really heard me.” That was close, and if I wasn’t so adept, it may not have worked. But if running out of material was a big issue for me, it was nothing close to the danger I faced of having a diminished audience. There were days when I roamed the entire lounge, looking for a spot near other humans so that I could force them to eavesdrop on my very detailed plans for the weekend which always include super cool bars and restaurants and lots of laughter from me as I acknowledge that someone definitely owes me a drink and then I laugh again because clearly my saying that made the dude on the other end of the call say something funny like, “I sure do!” But the crowds weren’t there. And I was alone. At one point, I showed up and the lounge was closed. Closed. I went to the regular waiting area and talked loudly there. It just wasn’t the same. An overweight guy in a track suit stared at me as I got near him and said into my phone: “Jerry! What up bro! Naw, I’m just stuck at O’Hare. But I wanted to touch base real quick and let you know about the new numbers I’m sending your way. Yeah. They’re good! They’re super good.” But the track suit dude didn’t look away uncomfortably like you do when you see me in the lounge. I had no idea why. Was he not into it? Was he not impressed by the super good numbers I was about to shoot off to Jerry? It was weird. I tried the bathroom. At the urinal, I opened up to a client about how she better save me a piece of birthday cake. Then someone flushed and she asked me what the noise was. I had miscalculated. I was off my game. “Are you taking a dump or something?” she said. “NO!” I told her. “Another guy is.” As the shutdown went on, I ordered Ubers just so I could sit in the back seat and entertain the driver with my awesome phone calls. I’d give him directions to old bowling allies and empty office buildings and then when we got there, I’d say, “I just got a text that there’s a change of plans. You may as well take me back home.” Then I’d add, “I’m just going to make a couple calls.” I’m gonna be honest. I know you probably hate me. But I’m also a real person. I have pain and I suffer. I NEED you to be there when I talk on the phone. I NEED you to understand that I am an important man. A big man. Who takes care of his customers. And that I have a whole philosophy around that. A good philosophy. So next time you see me, don’t look away. At least not at first. Look up and acknowledge me. Maybe give me a thumbs up or finger guns. I NEED you. And I think you may need me too. Or not. It’s debatable. What’s important is that the lounges and the airports are open again and I’ll be making up for lost time. See you there.  All around the country children are counting their Halloween hauls and trading siblings and friends for their favorite trick-or-treats. Meanwhile, our own Ed Mountaineer measures his intake from last night. We share it below. (Don’t trade with him).
Ed Mountaineer’s Halloween Haul:
 Not Ben Affleck Every day we live, we learn a new way to live longer, because the goal is to do this thing for more time than our friends and family. That way someday they’re dead and we’re still here—alone. At that moment, we can finally high-five ourselves without the burden of waiting for one of them to lift their decrepit arm to receive the hand slap.
Anyway, the internet has a lot of tips for longevity and some of them are, well, bullshit. To save you time, we've chosen the advice we feel scientifically works. You're welcome. 12 scientific internet tips to increase your longevity and improve your health:
*Begrudgingly, but those are the rules.  Whether you’re alive or departed, at some point we all end up in a funeral home. While the dead have moved on beyond social concerns, the living must contend with negotiating casket prices, choosing morbid “celebration of life” packages, and staring into the steely dark eyes of morticians, who run your loved one’s final show.
If you’re dealing with loss and grieving, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you some inside tips on how to manage the etiquette and expectations of funeral homes while maintaining the dignity of the deceased. We asked morticians and funeral home directors for industry secrets and what you should never do when planning a funeral. What they told us may change the way you see death and dying forever: Burt Davis, Davis Funeral Home, Whapanoe CT: “Don’t ask for the body to be posed with a lollipop or sucker in its mouth. It looks disrespectful and you have to glue the candy stick to the fingers. Don’t even get me started about what it takes to hold the arm in a position to suck the candy and how to get the fingers to grasp the stick.” Fred Duhamian*, Blessed Peace Funeral Home, Morgan UT: “Stop asking me if I’ve ever had sex with the bodies. I haven’t, O.K.? That’s like a fireable offense. If it weren’t, I STILL wouldn’t have sex with them. Is that clear enough?” Alexia Trundle, Harborview Mortuary Services, Harborview ME: “I know it may seem cool to show up to a wake or a viewing wearing superhero clothes or sexy kitty lingerie or whatever, but have some respect for the dead and the mourners. So uncool.” Bernard Holmes, Holmes Funeral Home, Absinthe MN: “If you slip me a fiver, I’ll let you have sex with the bodies.” Marsha Redgrave, Funeral Magic, Muscatine IA: “The dicks on the bodies are hard for like five hours after, so shoot your shot when you have the chance. The window closes sooner than you think.” Jerry “Boston” Aurelias, Tony’s Death Emporium, Stockton CA: “Embalming fluid makes sure the body can be seen in a peaceful, respectful way. It also helps with the smell and makes it more pleasant if, say, someone were to climb into the casket and be in there, with the body, for a time. Which I don’t do.” *Fred Duhamian is facing charges for necrophilia. He is innocent until proven guilty.  The story of a man who died after drinking only alcohol for thirty days sent ripples of fear among drinkers across the world.
Unlike the man who ate only soap for a day before dying and the man who ate only rat poison for one hour, the man who died after drinking only alcohol for thirty days has mystified news followers with his story of perseverance sabotaged by the miscalculation that drinking nothing but alcohol for weeks would be fine and not kill you. This Thai news story immediately captivated the staff of the Intergalactic Business Report and editors scrambled to cover this breaking threat to public health. Indeed, several editors, who were on their twentieth and twenty-fifth days of drinking felt compelled to take a pause until further research into the subject could be conducted. Also in Thailand, an influencer died after drinking two bottles of whiskey in twenty minutes, prompting us to consider whether the new alcohol health threat was perhaps just a “Thai thing.” Turns out, it’s not. In fact, almost anyone who drinks alcohol could be affected if they do one of several seemingly harmless, alcohol related activities. If you drink, read our report before you take another sip. NEVER do these 7 things, if you drink alcohol. (Unless you want to die.) 1. Drink from a “booze hose,” which can shoot alcohol into your mouth like a pressure washer you hooked up to your mouth. Only instead of water, it’s alcohol. Apparently, the rate of alcohol to your swallowing power is a problem. Also, the amount of alcohol you put into your body is also a problem. Like a death problem. 2. Do 72 shots in 14 minutes. For some reason, your body seems unable to metabolize the alcohol in this time frame. It also seems unable to “be alive.” 3. Do intravenous alcohol through an IV. Even with careful monitoring by an off-duty nurse who likes to get fucked up and is off-duty because she got fired for fondling patients, this method of consuming alcohol could end your life by quickly accelerating your blood/alcohol level to 100% alcohol with some traces of blood.* 4. Inject gin or vodka into your groin or buttocks. While this may seem harmless, apparently it isn’t. 5. Submerge your head into a vat of beer and not come out till you drink it all. Even the character “Landfill” in Beerfest couldn’t do this one although the scene has inspired many people to take on this challenge. Don’t be one of them. 6. Take a loaded gun, point it at your head, do a shot, and then pull the trigger. Called “going shot for shot” this game has an almost 100% death rate. 7. Strap a keg of beer to your back, place the tap in your mouth, and jump off a cliff. *Some skeptics have argued you could become a kind of semi-animated zombie creature and function by just running booze through your veins in place of blood but we’re waiting on the science to back this up.** **The science just got here and it says you’d die. We know, it would be cool to be the zombie thing. Sorry. Loneliness epidemic? Use these seven simple party tips and instantly rekindle social connection.7/12/2025  Test the sparklers before you put them in your butt. America has become a culture of disconnection. Friendships decline, neighbors don’t socialize, and the dinner party is an ancient relic. In our growing isolation, the simple necessity of human companionship and friend networks have become less needed for survival and replaced with empty social media relationships, zoom calls, and artificial intelligence. Now, many are looking for ways to overcome our discontent and loneliness through social interaction.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you seven small-sided party concepts that will help you connect, reconnect, and end the despair—almost instantaneously. Call your best friends, new neighbors, or work colleagues and try these this weekend: 1. Host a “feelings party.” Invite participants to your house for an examination of feelings, which entails getting felt up. By you. Afterwards, return the favor and let them feel YOU up. 2. Blindfolded fuck party. Nobody knows who’s getting fucked by whom. Actually, you are aware when you are getting fucked or fucking. But the person being fucked by you doesn’t know which one you are. You get it. 3. Glory holes. Have a wall in your house? Drill a hole in it and let loose with this super fun concept that extinguishes the social anxiety of seeing who’s handling your dick. Also, if you’re on the receiving end and recognize the dick, you can just say, “next” and a brand-new dick will appear. If you recognize that one, just say, “next” and so on, till you either find a fresh dick or run out of old ones. 4. No eye contact sex with a donkey. No eye contact is with the donkey itself and not onlookers. If you stare down the donkey, it will kick the fuck out of you. 5. Peanut butter dick slapping. This one speaks for itself. 6. Bonfire where you all fuck each other. Start the fire. Someone plays a ukelele. Then you fuck each other. If you can, have the ukelele player sing “We didn’t start the fire.” Or don’t. 7. Eyes Wide Open sex party. Like the sex parties from “Eyes Wide Shut” except there are no masks and everyone knows everyone, at least in the sense that they’ve been introduced at the taco bar. Note: set up a taco bar beforehand. |
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