 You drink too much. You think of your grandmother during sex. Both of these are common reasons for not being able to hold your boner. Now new medical research reveals these aren’t the only causes for your softness. We share them with you below:
1. The gun in your mouth isn’t loaded and you can tell by the weight. 2. You’re thinking about Beavis, but Butthead keeps showing up in your mind. 3. You don’t have a penis. 4. When you asked for “makeup” sex, your partner put a mascara tube in your ass and getting it out is now the focus. 5. The robot voices in your head won’t say, “engage penis growth” until you give them your Paypal password, which you had to change last time because they bought a bunch of Hello Kitty shit on Ebay. 6. Your partner keeps whispering shit like, “Hello Satan,” and pretending she has a really bad speech impediment. 7. The oxygen required to stay conscious while in a headlock totally drains the oxygen required to maintain an erection. 8. You’re trying to fuck a cardboard cutout of Adrian Zmed and there’s something about his smile… 9. The Japanese businessmen watching you are putting way too much pressure on you to perform. 10. You can’t stop thinking about the riddle the troll gave you: “What hairy and scary? And where your penis you will bury?”  REASON ONE:
Animals are physically stronger than us and able to rip our bodies apart with their teeth and claws. This makes them potentially dangerous and when we see them, we think, “Maybe this creature will try to rip me into pieces with its claws and teeth.” Sometimes, in real life, these animals do just that. They totally kill humans and even eat them. It’s because of this that you are probably afraid when you see a lion, tiger, or bear. REASON TWO: Lions, tigers, and bears have a psychic connection with many people. This is why many people have pictures of them in their homes, tattoos on their bodies, and wear things like tiger print clothing. If you are one of these people, you may come close to a lion, for instance, and the lion will telepathically communicate something like, “Hey, Robert. What’s up, man? You good? That’s cool. If I can get out of this cage I will fucking tear your arms off your body.” REASON THREE: You have decided to live “off the grid” in a way that makes you prey for lions, tigers, and bears. For example, you don’t wear clothes, don’t have shelter, and run through forests looking for small animals to capture and eat. This makes bears and lions and tigers especially scary because you are really no match for them physically in any way even though you thought, originally, when you started your new lifestyle, that you would somehow befriend all the creatures in the woods and become kind of like their “mayor.” Now you’re finding that impossible because they don’t like you or care about your ideas, mostly because they don’t understand English. Also because the stuff about having the forest be like a “co-op” where everyone can contribute and do their own thing but also not kill each other for food or resources isn’t something most animals are interested in. Well, the squirrels were. They liked that message a lot because they can’t kill shit and they’d love to share resources. So you’ve got the squirrels on your side. At least you’ve got that.  Empathy. It’s the one quality that separates us from monkeys. Maybe not monkeys. That doesn’t sound right. Anyway, empathy is good. If you have it, you’re probably a good person. If you don’t, it means you can’t relate to other human beings. That’s not good.
Below we list the 7 common phrases used by unempathetic people. While these may seem normal to you, they actually show a deep disconnection with humankind and maybe even reality. Do you use these phrases? If you do, you may not have empathy. (That’s bad.) 1. “I don’t care about human beings because I don’t consider myself human. I’m something else. I don’t know what it is, but all I know is that I hate people and can’t understand them.” 2. “I don’t understand why the movie where the guy dies of cancer is ‘sad.’ He died and left his family behind. Is that sad? I don’t get it.” 3. “I might marry one of my boogers. I don’t know. It seems just like a person, I guess.” 4. “I talked with someone yesterday. At least I think it was someone. I kind of didn’t pay attention. Maybe I wasn’t talking at all. Maybe there was no one there. I don’t really care.” 5. “This wedding is stupid. I think I’ll steal the cake because I’m hungry. I may also poop my pants because I need to take a dump and I don’t care if I stink or if people start asking what that smell is. I do what I need to do.” 6. I have sex with inanimate objects because they don’t move around when I have sex with them. That’s way better than with a person who moves and I have to always tell them, ‘Hey, stay still. Don’t move. Stay perfectly still, like you’re an object.’” 7. “My booger divorced me today. I guess that’s cool, because I want to marry a different one of my boogers.”  We know you have questions about the Coronavirus pandemic. We gathered the best scientific minds* to answer your questions. You’re welcome.
Q: If 4 billion people a day get the virus, how long would it take for everyone to get it? A: The Earth’s population is about 7,800,000,000. This means that the entire planet could have Covid-19 in two days. And that’s not counting the people who already have it, so it may be more like a day and a half. Q: Is it time for some of us to just go to another planet and get out of here? A: Yes, but then, like in Alien, one person will bring it aboard your spaceship and everyone will get it. But, yeah, you should try it. Q: My balls itch. But not just like a normal itch. They itch a lot, like it’s Coronavirus or something? A: Yeah. Probably. That sounds right. Q: I’ve had my hand stuck up my butt for like three days now. Is that Coronavirus? A: If you had said two days, we’d have said, “Wait another day and see if it’s still stuck.” Since you kind of did that, we’d say it’s probably Coronavirus. Q: I had sex with a stripper named “Covidia.” Do I have the virus now? A: 100%. Yes. Why the fuck would you do that? Q: What’s your scientific background? Do you guys all have PhDs and stuff? A: More like, “and stuff.” Q: Ever since the Coronavirus came around, I feel like I’m closer to my friends and family. It’s kind of beautiful. A: You may have already died. Sorry. *The term “the best” is subjective and also can apply as a description of people who are “the best” at getting drunk, for instance, which is also subjective, but we’re pretty sure we are.  Nope. The Intergalactic Business Report commissioned a scientific study to find the best way to defeat the Covid-19 virus. The results are simple but also shocking.
Working overtime* in laboratories throughout the world** scientists*** were able to pinpoint the most effective strategy in finally ending the spread of the disease. SPOILER: it isn’t a vaccine. Instead, it’s just not breathing. We outline below how this could work: Breathing is the way most of us expel air as well as viral particles. If we stop breathing, those particles will also stop being expelled, which could seriously degrade the virus’s chance of spreading from person to person. “Alive” people are the ones who spread the virus most. It’s been well-documented that people who breathe are also alive. People who breathe also spread the virus. If you aren’t alive, then you aren’t breathing, which means you won’t spread the virus. It’s possible to not breathe for extremely long times. We can wait this out. Some people who have stopped breathing have done so for not just hours or days but years and decades. None of them are spreading the Coronavirus. This could be because they are buried underground or because they were cremated, making it less likely they would come in contact with other human beings, but the research is still developing on this. In the song “Every Breath you Take,” Sting stalks a woman. That would be over. For years, Sting has stalked a woman because he is able to monitor her breathing. This would end when she and others simply stop breathing, making her invisible to Sting and thus ending his reign of terror. Plants are able to “breathe” through photosynthesis (or something). They would become the new targets for the virus, leaving us safe. Plants don’t have mouths (right?) but they are still able to shoot out oxygen. What will the virus do when all the humans stop breathing? Answer: it will look for other “breathers,” like plants. Once it does, we just start breathing again and the virus will be stuck trying to infect rhubarb and poison ivy. Burned. *Drinking excessively. ** We count shitty apartments as “laboratories.” These apartments are in our world, so we feel it’s accurate to say, “throughout the world.” Sue us. *** Because the term “science” isn’t owned by anyone and because “science” is part of everyone’s life, like when you open a refrigerator and it’s cold and you’re like wow why is that cold and you know it’s because of science, we are all kind of scientists in a way. HELP US HELP the world through 100% independent humor:  Conversations. They’re hard. And you have to have them all the time. You say stuff. Someone else says stuff too. That’s pretty much it. The goal is to sound intelligent, interesting, and intriguing. But so often, we use phrases that do the opposite. In fact, some of the things you say everyday can make you sound boring. And when used in combination with other sentences you can even come off as scary and undesirable. That’s right. Common phrase combinations like the ones listed below can make you sound not just dull, but also like a serial killer. Stop using them today. Or not. We really don't have a strong opinion on this. 1. “Wanna read a book with me? And then look at my penis?” 2. “Hey, I’ve got a great theory about how Czarist Russia is analogous to birdwatching. Now get in my van.” 3. “My name is Myron Beatleneck. May I buy your soul?” 4. “You into stamp collecting? No? Well let’s trade faces then.” 5. “The library convention is just around the corner. I can fit a whole peach up my butt. The large kind.” 6. “I could probably talk forever about Star Trek. But that would leave me no time to murder people.” 7. “Will you look at this term paper I’ve written? It’s about how I’m going to kidnap you.” 8. “Were you aware that there were 376 different species of butterflies? That I can fit in my butt?” 9. “I just fixed my calculator. Now I can count how many personalities I have.” 10. “I live in my mother’s basement. With my mother’s dead body.” 11. “I’m very well-versed at the science of cross-breeding flowers. And also killing people.” 12. “Have you ever read Hobart’s Taxonomy of Aquatic Species? I ask all my future captives that.” 13. “I recently purchased some rare manuscripts. That I use to wipe the blood off my face.”  Men who have cats are less dateable, according to a recent study. That sounded fishy to us so the Intergalactic Business Report commissioned its own study, which surveyed 8 million women to find what really turned them off. Cats didn’t even make the list. Instead, 13 other things were found that made most men completely undateable. If you have any of these, get rid of them now. We list them below: 1. A third arm. 2. An exposed brain. 3. A dead grandmother in a wheelchair that travels with you everywhere. 4. A face tattoo that says, “Kill me twice.” 5. A Klingon mask. 6. A smaller man who rides in a saddle on your back and gives commands. 7. A dildo attached to your face. 8. A small trough around your neck that collects dropped food. 9. A spider that crawls out of your mouth when you start talking. 10. A trucker hat that says, “Small dick. Who cares?” 11. A booger gun. 12. Full armor. 13. A voice that sounds exactly like the woman’s mother.  You’ve probably heard of asymptomatic people (those who have Covid-19, but show no symptoms) and pre-symptomatic people (those who have the virus but haven’t shown symptoms yet), but a new group is emerging that scientists* believe could account for an even higher number of victims. In an unprecedented medical study** commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report, we discovered that “no symptomatic” people live among us every day and pose the largest threat to stopping the spread of the virus. Below we outline our findings. The characteristics of “no symptomatic” victims. No symptomatic patients don’t carry the Coronavirus, and scientists believe this is probably why they show no symptoms. This is also why it is so difficult to identify them. Most no symptomatic people act and feel normal, feeling no sickness or pain. If you feel “normal” it is possible you are one of them. How many people are “no symptomatic”? Early estimates indicate that no symptomatic people could be in the hundreds of millions, meaning if you aren’t symptomatic, asymptomatic, or pre-symptomatic, you are almost definitely no symptomatic. How do “no symptomatic” people spread the virus? At this point, we believe that no symptomatic people aren’t passing on Coronavirus mostly because they don’t have it, but research on this is still in the early stages. We will soon understand more as the science catches up, and at that point we will make a scary as shit pronouncement about how we’re all going to die. *Some guys we met in an online chat room who we’re pretty sure were speaking English, but who knows. **We have always believed that medicine and medical studies belong to the people, and so this study was done by people for the people, which is patriotic.  Recently, the CDC made additions to its list of possible Coronavirus symptoms. The Intergalactic Business Report makes its own list as a supplement. POSSIBLE CORONAVIRUS SYMPTOMS:
*This one actually means you’re probably dead.  EDITOR’S NOTE: Ed Mountaineer operates on his own, like a rogue agent (whatever that means). We do not endorse his views or support his lifestyle choices. We do print whatever he writes, but that’s not on us. ED MOUNTAINEER: Thank you for agreeing to be interviewed. YOUR MOM: Your welcome. Do I get paid for this? ED MOUNTAINEER: No. It’s free. YOUR MOM: That sucks. ED MOUNTAINEER: You what? YOUR MOM: What? ED MOUNTAINEER: Nothing. So, it’s almost Father’s Day. YOUR MOM: I guess so. ED MOUNTAINEER: You don’t need to guess. I looked it up. YOUR MOM: What do you want to talk about? I don’t have time for all this. ED MOUNTAINEER: I just wanted to say Happy Father’s Day, I guess. YOUR MOM: But I’m not a father. ED MOUNTAINEER: No. But you’ve made a lot of fathers happy. YOUR MOM: How’s that? ED MOUNTAINEER: By having sex with so many of them. YOUR MOM: Want to have sex with me right now? ED MOUNTAINEER: I guess so. YOUR MOM: Let’s do it. ED MOUNTAINEER: Arghh Annhh (sex noises). YOUR MOM: OHHH Awwhhh (more sex noises but from your mom instead) ED MOUNTAINEER: GAAAAAH! UNGAAAAH! (sex) YOUR MOM: You’re the best, ED. The Best ever. YOUR MOM: I want to marry you, Ed. ED MOUNTAINEER: I’m too busy. YOUR MOM: That sucks. ED MOUNTAINEER: I know. YOUR MOM: How about more sex? ED MOUNTAINEER: Sure, I guess. Editor’s note: We stand by this being a 100% real interview with your mom. Also, it seems like your mom has a lot of issues to deal with, mostly the one about having sex with random men. |
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