 The reviews are in and the Intergalactic Business Report’s coverage of the Coronavirus pandemic is considered by most people on the planet as the most authoritative and accurate account of what the disease is, how it spreads, and what you should do to protect yourself. Today we reveal that many acts of sex have been cancelled by the Coronavirus. But not all. We give you alternatives and options. You’re welcome. CANCELLED SEX ACT: The wheelbarrow position. WHY: In order to have sex like this, one person has to touch the bacteria-covered ground with both hands. Also, the person doing the boning must use both hands to balance themselves, thus leaving it impossible to cough into their elbows. WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Disinfect and clean a real wheelbarrow. Drill a small (or large) hole in the area just under the handles. Have sex with that instead. CANCELLED SEX ACT: Fruit sex. WHY: The Coronavirus might live on fruit so when you have sex with a watermelon or orange it’s like banging a leper who’s just doing it for the money. WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Sex with bagels is considered safer at this point. But we’d advise still being cautious. Maybe only use two at a time. CANCELLED SEX ACT: Blow jobs. WHY: They say don’t touch your face during the Coronavirus spread. This sex act involves so much more. Like a penis in your mouth. Maybe you get slapped in the face with it too. Who knows? WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Binge watch Judge Judy. No way you want to suck a dick after that. CANCELLED SEX ACT: Anal. WHY: Butts contain butt bacteria. Eww. WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: If it’s that important to you to have butt sex, then no quarantine’s going to stop you. So, go ahead, we guess. CANCELLED SEX ACT: Circle jerks. WHY: This extremely popular East Coast ritual has obvious proximity issues. WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Virtual circle jerks on Zoom and skype. But you were probably doing that anyway. CANCELLED SEX ACT: Blumpkins. WHY: If you need to ask, you probably don’t know what a blumpkin is. WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Watch t.v. or something. Seriously. Do anything. Wash your fucking car. CANCELLED SEX ACT: 69. WHY: The epitome of getting too close to someone else. WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: 68. It’s where you come before 69.  KFC’s “finger licking good” slogan is gone. Now the Intergalactic Business Report shows you everything that will disappear from our culture because of the Coronavirus. 1. The “Grab my hand! Trust me!” rescue move. 2. Interlocking hands with strangers on public transportation. 3. The “grab your face cause you’re so cute” greeting. 4. Bar bets where you try to stick your fist in your mouth. 5. Clearing out hanging boogers from your nose. 6. “Hands across America.” 7. Hand jobs. 8. Blind people feeling people’s faces to “see” what they look like. 9. Living hand to mouth. 10. Lady fingers. 11. Doing the “fish hook” move during doggy-style sex. 12. That monster face you make when you stick your fingers in your mouth and nose and pull back your eyelids.  If you’re feeling unsettled by the impending tsunami of the Coronavirus, prepare to be reassured by America’s major corporations, which are handling this crisis like a boss… Who’s about to fire everyone. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report reviews the corporate response to the COV-19 pandemic and offer a few questions of our own. COMPANY: AMC MOVIES. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Once we hit 50% of an auditorium’s capacity, movie screening will show as being Sold Out, even though by definition there will be a large number of unfilled seats.” QUESTIONS: You guys seriously think you’re going to fill 50% of your theater? UPDATE: Closed. So, I guess that answers that. COMPANY: HERTZ. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “In addition to practicing preventative measures to reduce the spread of germs within our facilities, all of our vehicles go through a rigorous, multi-step cleaning process for each rental.” QUESTIONS: Are you still going to “clean” the back seats of your cars with puke? COMPANY: MARRIOTT. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Our hotels' health and safety measures are designed to address a broad spectrum of viruses, including COVID-19, and cover everything from handwashing hygiene and cleaning product specifications to guest room and common area cleaning procedures.” QUESTIONS: Does this mean you’ll clean the jizz stains off your carpets, lamps, and ceilings? COMPANY: JIMMY JOHN’S. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Established a full-time Coronavirus Preparedness Task Force… to ensure a safer dining experience for all.” FIRST QUESTION FOR THE TASK FORCE COMMANDER: What’s freaky faster? Jimmy John’s delivery? Or the time it takes the Coronavirus to get inside you? COMPANY: JAMBA JUICE. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Pausing the reusable tumbler program and the insertion of straws into our smoothies for our guests.” QUESTIONS: But before it was cool to stick straws into our smoothies with your nasty hands? COMPANY: MALL OF AMERICA. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We have intensified our existing rigorous cleaning and sanitizing efforts, which include, but are not limited to, increasing the frequency and intensity of our cleaning efforts of all commonly touched surfaces including seating, doors, handrails, elevators, directories, rides as well as rental strollers and wheelchairs.” QUESTIONS: You’re going to constantly clean 5 million square feet of stuff? UPDATE: Totally closed, so we guess you won’t. COMPANY: BARNES AND NOBLES. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We’re living through turbulent times together. Our booksellers are your neighbors, your friends and family. Your stories are our stories, and we know how resilient our communities are.” QUESTIONS: Great. But you are going to wipe down the books and stuff, right? COMPANY: FIREHOUSE SUBS. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are removing the self-serve hot sauce bar from the counter area and will, upon request, offer our signature Captain Sorensen’s Hot Sauce in pre-portioned cups.” QUESTIONS: You’re talking about doing a circle jerk, right? COMPANY: BUCA DI BEPPO. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are taking other steps to address concerns, for instance, encouraging cash-less transactions inside our restaurants. The passing of cash has been shown to be a major method of transmission and we believe this action is in the interest of everyone’s well-being.” QUESTIONS: Can I still pay with the credit card I ran through my ass crack? COMPANY: GAMESTOP. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are providing all our stores with the necessary supply of disinfectant materials and hand sanitizer to frequently clean high-touch surfaces to kill germs and ensure our stores are a safe environment for both our customers and store associates.” COMMENT: Sounds like a nerd wrote that. COMPANY: NORDSTROM. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Swim trunks, sunglasses and sandals are all you need for the surf or the sand.” They add: “This look was made for soaking up every second of sunshine—from mornings spent lying on the beach to poolside happy hours.” COMMENT: By far our favorite message about the Coronavirus. COMPANY: CHIPOTLE. WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are taking additional precautions, including: Established an internal task force to monitor and provide guidance in real time.” FIRST RECOMMENDATION FROM THE INTERNAL TASK FORCE: “Hey Ricky, stop touchin’ the Guac with yer face! Damn!”  1. You own a village of peasants in a country whose name you can’t pronounce, and you wear an ambiguous general’s outfit every time you go there. 2. Your accountant bows before you and won’t make eye contact for fear of being beaten by the guy you’re always telling to make problems disappear. 3. There are a bunch of super attractive people you don’t know always hanging around your amazing pool. 4. The attractive people hanging around your pool sometimes scatter when you show up and start screaming that you want so and so dead. 5. When someone starts “fucking with your livelihood” you always have a plan where someone gets kidnapped and you get killed. 6. You have employees who are always around. Like they must sleep in the house with you, because they’re always there. Except they can’t sleep, because every time you do anything, they’re right there, waiting to take care of something for you. 7. The chief of police is always talking about how you’re a respected member of the community whenever an ex-cop, ex-special forces dude, ex-CIA, karate master shows up and complains about you. 8. Even though you’re kind of an older, out of shape dude, you somehow can fight against an ex-CIA, special forces, karate master in a final battle. Are you a karate master? No. Do you even know how to fight? Not really. Do you almost win the fight? Yeah… You almost do. You should probably get more credit for that. But you’re dead, so… 9. Even though you’re super rich and the chief of police won’t touch you, you find a way to get arrested or killed. 10. You own an orphanage that’s actually a drug distribution center where the orphans package and sell drugs for you. At some point, the orphans kill you because the ex-CIA karate master kind of lets them. 11. Every one of your surface-level good qualities is mirrored by an actual bad quality that is the exact opposite. 12. You are constantly trying to convince the out-for-revenge ex-special forces guys who are trying to bring you down that you’re a lot alike or even “the same” and every fucking time they say, “No. We’re not the same.” Fuck those guys. Why do you try so hard to be their friends? 13. In a gesture of good will, you offer the ex-CIA karate master a fucking job, because he clearly needs one and he always turns you down because he’d rather “serve justice” or whatever than work. 14. You have one henchman who’s a bad ass but who always gets totally killed by the ex-special forces guy in the end. Some advice: get like two or three of those guys. One isn’t enough.  WHO AM I?
I’m Jonny Ripkin, creator of the most controversial diet in the world: the Shred and Fed Diet®. Shred and Fed is the only diet in the world that requires zero exercise, zero dieting, and guarantees massive weight loss of at least (that’s right, I said, “at least”) 20 pounds per week.* WHAT’S THIS DIET ABOUT? A lot of people are pissed right now, because I promised them I’d never reveal the secrets of my “shred and fed” diet program that lost them weight without them ever having to diet—not even for one day. What pisses them off most is that they want to be the only ones (besides me) to know the secret of how to not only lose weight, but get totally shredded and ripped within one month or less, all without any effort whatsoever. Let me give you an example. SUCCESS STORY ONE: A friend of mine was 49 years old, overweight (253 lbs), and totally non-athletic. I used to bully him and call him “fat ass,” if that gives you an idea of how fat and stupid he was. After doing my plan for three weeks, he weighed 157 pounds and had about 7% body fat. Even more amazing? He is now only 46 years old. How the fuck is that possible? I’ll tell you in a minute. Just read the next success story first. SUCCESS STORY TWO: Another friend, a woman I’d had sex with a few times but who I always felt was a little “chunky,” asked me what she should do to shed some pounds—mostly because I was always teasing her about how fat she was compared to other girls I boned. So she tried my program, and guess what? She’s smoking hot today. She lost 4 dress sizes and is now a fitness model and sometimes even does porn! She’s that hot. How long did it take her? Would you believe 14 days? That’s right. Two weeks on my program and she was so hot that other guys wanted to have sex with her and film it! SUCCESS STORY THREE: O.K. O.K. You want me to get to the details. But just read about one last success story first. This one’s my favorite, because it has to do with my own mom. Old mom was so fat and nasty looking that I was afraid to be seen with her in public. I know that’s a harsh thing to say about your own mother, but if you saw her you’d be like, “Woah… You don’t take her out in public do you?” Answer: No. Not until I got her on my program and she lost two hundred and thirty-seven pounds in four weeks. She looks so good today that she could be one of those lesbians in a porno film! Maybe she’ll make one with my other friend (see above)! HOW “SHRED AND FED” WORKS: People never believe me when I tell them how simple the Shred and Fed program is. Basically, you don’t do anything. “Wait,” you’re saying right now. “Did you just say you don’t do anything?” Yes, that’s right. You do nothing. You just sit there and lose the weight and get shredded. HOW’S THAT POSSIBLE, JONNY? Now you’re saying, “That’s impossible, man. No one can achieve those results without working out all the time and eating whatever you’re supposed to eat according to some dietician.” To that I ask you a simple question: Have you ever actually talked to a dietician? Or a personal trainer? They’re dumb. Seriously. Try to have a conversation with them about anything other than food or working out. What’s that like? I rest my case. SEVEN MYTHS ABOUT WEIGHT LOSS: Those personal trainers and dieticians will try to feed you (ha ha) a load of shit (nasty!) about what it takes to lose weight and how your body works. But I’m going to let you in on seven myths about weight loss you’ve probably never heard. Why have you never heard them? Because I haven’t told you yet. Duh. Myth one: Weighing less depends on losing weight. FALSE. Myth two: Building muscle depends on foods you eat and exercise you do. FALSE. Myth three: Jonny Ripkin has a small penis. FALSE. TOTALLY FALSE. Myth four: Eating carnival food makes you fat. FALSE. Myth five: I need to work out to be “in shape.” FALSE. Myth six: I can’t lose two hundred pounds in six days. FALSE. Myth seven: Poop is human waste. FALSE. SEVEN (BANNED) TRICKS ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT: You haven’t bought anything (yet!) so I’m going to tease you a little with seven weight-loss tricks that I know you’ve never heard of. Don’t worry, the details are all in my book. Trick one: Chewing burlap can make your teeth grow. Trick two: Watching Rocky movies can mentally develop muscles. Trick three: Beer has an enzyme in it. Trick four: Fruit can be used for throwing at people. Not just eating. It has other purposes. Trick five: You can have sex with fruit too (see above). Trick six: Hormones. Trick seven: I wear a mask that makes me invisible and allows me to enter your dreams. SO, HOW DO I BUY THE SHRED AND FED PLAN? I know. You want to buy my plan so you can lose up to four hundred percent of your body fat and look amazing this summer. Just remember, my plan is BANNED, because people found it too CONTROVERSIAL. Basically, that means that I’m not allowed to share it with anybody, I guess. I don’t understand laws. Let me put it this way, if I can find a way to, I’m going to write all this shit down and make it into a book or something. I guess I’ll let you know if I do that. *Unless you weigh only twenty pounds. I can’t make you disappear from the universe. But I will try. Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at info@intergalacticbiz.com  Yesterday, I published an article that was very close to my heart. In it, I wrote a letter to my younger self—a seventeen-year-old Ed Mountaineer, who was getting ready to face the world and take on the challenges I knew lay ahead for him. Surprisingly, I received a letter back. I know. Crazy. But I did. I’ve reprinted it below. Dear Ed, Please stop contacting me. I don’t know who you are, but I am definitely not your “younger self.” I am just a guy who works at Starbucks and I’m not even seventeen. I’m twenty-six years old. I’m not sure if you don’t understand the concept of time or if you’re a mental patient, or both. At my work, I’ve had a lot of weird experiences. I’ve been hit on, asked to pose nude, and even proposed to. I’ve never had a creepy as fuck older dude like you keep passing me letters about how I’m him, only seventeen years old, and living in the past, whenever he was seventeen years old. I should say, I’ve never had that happen until you showed up. My dad is a lawyer and he said he’d deal with you, but I told him I’m old enough to take care of this on my own. So this is an honest request for you to just seriously fuck off and stop coming in to my Starbucks. I get that you’re probably lonely and maybe not dangerous, but you do have that insane look in your eyes all the time and you never say anything to me and just hand me the letters. I think that’s pretty fucked up. Again, leave me alone or there will be consequences. Sincerely, (Not giving you my real name)  Have you ever wished you could tell seventeen-year-old you not to worry so much about the future? Not to bother with the things that aren’t important? And to know that everything’s going to get better? Lately, a lot of athletes have sent letters to themselves, in the past, and I thought I’d do the same. I think it’s a cathartic exercise, and it made me appreciate better who I am and how I’ve grown over the years. Maybe you should try it to. Dear 17-year-old Ed, This is Ed from the future, writing you a letter. What’s up, player? You good? I know you can’t answer… Anyway… How’s it going? It’s going good for me. But I do have some serious advice for you that I hope you’ll take to heart. Here it is: Number one: don’t smoke crack. I can’t emphasize this enough. Number two: stop acting so fucking stupid. And number three: make me some fucking money. Jesus Christ. I’m waiting and I still don’t see money. Or a car or that I’m living in a mansion. This is like time travel, right? What the fuck are you doing? O.K. Here’s some more advice. Don’t shoot that porn with Nasty Rick. Seriously. Don’t. And don’t order that Russian bride. She’s a dude and she’ll steal all your shit. Don’t have sex with fruit. It ends up ruining your penis and you start to only want to have sex with fruit and that fucks up all your relationships. Still no money. What the fuck. I’m going back in time and I’m telling you to make me money and it’s not here. I guess buy stock in Apple? Or Microsoft? Is that how it works? Still waiting… I guess in closing I want to say this to you, seventeen-year-old Ed. You fucking suck. Go ahead and do the crack and all that other stuff because my advice obviously isn’t helping. You just end up doing all the stupid shit I did anyway. I’ll write soon, Ed from the future  The feet of a champion. Super baby soccer player Travis McHunter is the first “Under One” player to be accepted by the U.S. Soccer Development Academy. Travis’s road to the top began when a viral video posted by his father blew up the internet with almost 14 views and multiple comments from his dad about Travis’s gifts as a player. In the video, Travis, in his crib, skillfully kicks a cushiony soccer ball fourteen inches. To prove it, his father is shown with a measuring tape, tracking the distance. Travis’s father, Michael McHunter, knows talent when he sees it. As a youth soccer coach and former player, he has the ability to recognize greatness almost instantly. “I see a lot of babies play soccer,” Michael says, “And I was astounded to see that my own son had an ability that went way beyond his peers.” Despite his enormous potential, Michael is leery of bringing Travis into the competitive world of soccer too fast. “I’m not going to push him,” he says. “I think that’s the key. To just let all this happen naturally. Right now, all Travis wants is to be a pro soccer player, but I keep telling him to just slow down a little and enjoy being a baby.” Through his coaching contacts, Michael was able to get Travis a tryout for a nearby USSDA club, which told him there was no such thing as a U1 level team. Michael then asked if Travis could “play up” several years, maybe for the U14 team. The academy coach agreed to the idea, saying, “Michael made me a fifty-thousand dollar no interest, pay-it-back-or-don’t-pay-it-back loan to help me with some personal issues I’m having. Not a lot of guys would do that. So, I trust him. And when he tells me he’s never seen a baby with as much untapped potential as Travis, I believe him.” An early collegiate, full-ride offer from UCLA came next, but Travis is still considering his options. “Gahhh!” he seemed to say. “It’s too early to make a decision like that,” his father adds. “Maybe he’ll go pro instead. Who knows? I think this needs to be organic.” Even with Travis’s obvious gifts, there are many obstacles ahead on his quest to be the “American Messi.” Not being able to walk is a huge setback, for instance. “He can do it all,” Michael tells us. “Except for walking. That’s part of his game he knows he needs to work on and develop.” U.S. soccer scouts aren’t worried though. Under condition of anonymity, one told us, “Listen. Travis checks all the boxes to make it in the USSDA. His dad is a coach. His dad is rich. And I’m pretty sure his dad is calling me right now. I need to take this.” What does the future hold for Travis? Another insider at U.S. Soccer explains: “The whole concept of not knowing what’s going to happen in the future is something we’re really getting rid of. It’s just too much pressure. We’re shifting to a new model where we’ll know exactly what’s going to happen to players from an early age. We want to start an under five-year-old national team eventually, so that we can identify the best talent in the country as early as possible. In Travis’s case, he’s set for life. It’s kind of predetermined. I’m sorry. Not kind of. It’s totally predetermined.” Travis will make his national team debut in 2032, making him the youngest player to ever start for the U.S. soccer national team.  We talked to one of America’s leading ass-wiping experts* and asked him what the most common ass-wiping errors are. Next time you’re done with your dump, be sure not you’re not doing any of these:
1. You use invisible toilet paper that only exists in your mind. 2. You wipe just your butt cheeks and not your butthole. 3. You scoot across your floor, hoping to clean yourself. 4. You lie face down in your front yard with your pants off, waiting for a rainstorm to give you a natural bidet. 5. You just stand there and scream for your butler to come wipe your ass, but he never comes, because you don’t have a butler. 6. You think your ass is self-cleaning and you just say, “Clean ass… Sanitary mode.” 7. You confuse your ass with your face and blow your nose. *Some guy at a bar.  A recent article, “The Case For The Just Us Holiday,” by someone on the child horror website, “Scary Mommy,” recently suggested it may be less stressful to stop seeing your extended family this holiday and instead, just skip those gatherings. The Intergalactic Business Report takes that line of thinking a step further and gives you the ultimate guide to how you should spend your Christmas (and every other holiday for that matter). The secret? Just say fuck you to everyone in your family and walk alone through life, leaving all that stress behind. Below we outline a seven-step plan for total happiness. Follow, and don’t spit—swallow. STEP ONE: Identify your extended family so that you can shun them all. Write down a list of everyone you’re related to outside your immediate family. This includes aunts, uncles, cousins, and even friends you say are “like family” or your “brother” or “sister” when you’re drunk. If you have a family tree or genealogical charts of any kind, just whip those out too. Add in postcards, Christmas cards, and wedding invitations you’ve received throughout the years. STEP TWO: Stare with dead eyes at the list and charts in front of you. We suggest you put all the information about your extended family on a table in front of you. Gaze at it. Then silently mouth the words, “Fuck you all.” Say it again and again, till you are screaming it. Take all the paper, put it in a bathtub and burn it with a cool lighter, if available. STEP THREE: Practice pretending you don’t know people you’ve known all your life. This is one of the harder feats because you may run into your extended family, receive texts or phone calls, or even have them stop by your home. Our advice here is to pretend they are all college magazine salespeople bothering you during dinner or a massively satisfying masturbation session you’re having while listening to the Scorpions. STEP FOUR: Create a new backstory for yourself in which you had the power to give birth to yourself, suckled on your own teat, and learned to read, write, and do math by just thinking a lot. STEP FIVE: Now that you’ve excommunicated your extended family, start on your immediate one. Let’s face it, most of the stress you have in your life doesn’t come from spending Thanksgiving with your drunk uncle and worthless cousins. Your children and spouse are the ones who really grind you down. Babies crying, your wife asking for shit all the time… And the fucking dog? Do you really need any of this? STEP SIX: Prepare yourself for a totally stress-free holiday. Just leave your home, and find a hotel room or a lonely apartment, preferably in another state. Now you can do what you’re supposed to do on Christmas—just sit there and consider how nobody on the planet means anything except for you. STEP SEVEN: Die without all the encumbrances of human relationships. When you reach the time where you are so old that you have maybe a minute left on Earth before you pass away into death’s eternal grip, you can smile and think back to all the times you spent stress-free, without having stressful human connections with other human beings. You can think for a moment about the afterlife and who you may see there, and then just laugh when you realize you won’t see anyone, not even your stupid dog! Now you can get ready for a stress-free, with a capital S, eternity! |
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