I drank non-alcoholic beer for a week instead of booze and it had a shocking effect. By Cedric Bigglestone.
Until a week ago, I had never considered drinking non-alcoholic beer. To be truthful, I never thought of drinking non-alcoholic anything. What’s the point, I thought? The reason we drink is to catch a little buzz and lighten up a bit.
Nevertheless, I gave it a try for my "Dry January" column for the Intergalactic Business Report. What happened next surprised me. After not drinking alcohol for a week, I noticed some striking changes in my life. I share all of them below:
-I felt as if I could make a reasonable assessment of who the people I was speaking to were.
-I stopped urinating in my pants as I sat in front of the t.v. that I can’t figure out how to control (see below).
-I discovered a calculator device that, when pressed, seems to make the television turn on and sometimes switch programs if you wait long enough.
-I found that my voice has different “volumes,” which I can alter simply by thinking to my brain. Previously, I had thought there was only one sound level.
-I lost my desire to see what I could fit up my butt.*
-Neighborhood children stopped calling me, “AHHHHHHH! Here he comes!”
-I successfully had sex with fruit without losing my erection.
-I called an old friend who wasn’t my sixth-grade school librarian who has a restraining order against me even though she’s in an elder care facility and you’d think she’d like the attention because who the fuck would want to call her?
-I stopped filming my poop.**
-I gave back the otter to that kid.
-I ceased the obscene “Mr. T” phone calls to my mom.
-I came to the understanding that my robot is a mannequin I stole from a sporting goods store and that it doesn’t really love me even though the sex was consensual.
-I realized that you cannot give yourself martial arts training if you have no experience in martial arts.
-I stopped construction of the “troll hole” I was building to tunnel into my neighbor’s house.
-I no longer am able to use the time portal in my bathroom that allowed me to enter other dimensions.
*Some have suggested this is because I have “run out of things,” but I contend it is the not drinking. Even though I have run out of things.
**Old films are still available. Hit me up.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The Intergalactic Business Report’s fitness expert, Jonny Ripkin, creator of the Shred and Fed Diet, tells you what you need to know to get in shape post-holiday.
THE NUMBER ONE QUESTION:
The number one question people ask me is, “How do I get in shape after spending the last two months eating like a circus freak who’s whole thing is to eat so much in front of an audience that no one believes it’s possible?” My answer is always the same: If you think weight loss has anything to do with how much food you shove in your mouth then you’re stupider than you look.
DID YOU JUST CALL ME STUPID?
Yes, I just called you stupid. You’re stupid because you have a very low IQ and struggle with basic math skills and have a limited vocabulary. But you’re also stupid because you keep getting fatter and fatter, year after year, and you never do what it takes to break the cycle.
OK, MAYBE I AM STUPID. HOW DO I BREAK THE CYCLE OF BEING SO FAT, JONNY?
You break it by finally not listening to every piece of advice you’ve received in the past from so called “fitness” and “nutrition” experts and instead start listening to me.
BUT JONNY… THOSE FITNESS AND NUTRITION EXPERTS KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT, RIGHT?
Wrong. And I’ll tell you why. Most “experts” believe that your body burns fat and loses weight when you take in fewer calories than you expend and when you increase your metabolism through exercise. But what if I told you that eating cheeseburgers and barely moving was the actual way you to achieve optimum weight loss?
WAIT A SECOND. DID YOU JUST SAY I CAN EAT CHEESEBURGERS AND NEVER LEAVE THE COUCH?
That’s what I said. And this is how it works. Your body is always striving to be efficient and productive. It wants to burn fat and keep you healthy. Ever have a bad disease? Your body tries to heal you by fighting it. Ever have a sexually transmitted disease? You need penicillin or your dick falls off. My program is kind of like an STD in that way. If you get it, your dick may fall off.
THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.
Oh, really? Maybe what doesn’t make sense is that you’ve been trying the same thing, every year, over and over, and never getting results.
O.K. JONNY. JUST TELL ME HOW I CAN EAT LIKE CRAP AND NOT MOVE AND STILL LOSE WEIGHT.
Without going into the science, I’ll try to explain this as simply as I can. That body of yours is working hard all the time, like I said. Every time you go on a diet or exercise plan, it says, “Great! Jeff’s trying to get in shape. I should help him!” But after the fortieth time, your body just says, “Seriously, Jeff? You’re trying this again?” Instead of helping you, your body is pissed off and just bails on you, making it impossible to lose weight or get in shape.
MY BODY IS PISSED OFF AT ME?
That’s right. It is totally disgusted by you and with good reason. Your fat ass promises every year that it’s going to get “shredded” and “fit.” And after a few weeks you’re back to eating wings and drinking beer and looking like a hippo someone accidentally fed three hundred supreme pizzas to. Wouldn’t you be pissed off too?
I SUCK. WHAT CAN I POSSIBLY DO?
You do suck. You suck hard. Harder than you or anyone else ever thought possible before you started a life of fat assery. But there is one solution and that’s to just totally give up and trick your body into thinking you will never ever try to get in shape again.
TRICK MY BODY INTO THINKING I’M NEVER GOING TO TRY TO LOSE WEIGHT? HUH?
When your body finally believes that you have zero intentions of ever trying again, it stops being so pissed off at you and cruises into a state of apathy. When this happens it’s kind of like ketosis. Your body will stop working because it’s had enough. And that’s when the fat comes off.
IF MY BODY GIVES UP, WON’T I DIE?
Little known fact: when you’re dead, your body loses weight. So much that you soon end up with 0% body fat.
YOU MEAN I WILL BECOME A SKELETON?
That’s a little harsh. I like to say you’ll become “skin and bones.” Only without the “skin” part, I guess.
WHAT IF I DON’T WANT TO DIE? CAN I STILL LOSE THE WEIGHT?
No. At some point you need to get serious about this. Either commit to my plan or continue being fat and miserable.
Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at email@example.com.
The Intergalactic Business Report asked scientists* what they considered the worst drink you could put in your body and we were surprised to learn it was the “Monkey Shit Surprise.” We highly recommend you DON’T drink one, even if it seems like a good idea at the time**.
Below, we give you the details of the drink.
MONKEY SHIT SURPRISE:
Two parts pure monkey shit.
One shot Aviation Gin.
Splash of soda.
Surprise! You’re drinking monkey shit.
*Some dudes at a bar.
**We tried one.
Every year you have the power to buy something you didn’t design or build yourself and hand it to someone with the expectation that the object you paid for somehow is a sign of how generous and amazing you are.
As gifts are unwrapped, you wait in anxiety, hoping your choices will be met with orgasmic cheer and crying. But what if it’s a fake orgasm? Through a deep psychological review, the Intergalactic Business Report finds that very often humans exhibit subtle “tells” and cues that indicate their approval or disapproval of a gift. If you see your recipient doing or saying any of these, they may not like their gift.
1. They mention, after unwrapping it, that they “didn’t invite you here” and that its “awkward when you show up and bring creepy gifts nobody asked for.” They add, “Is this monkey shit?”
2. They are very polite before opening the gift, but as soon as it is unwrapped they scream something about why did you put monkey shit in a box and wrap it and then give it to them.
3. They are constantly dialing the police and telling them that some guy they vaguely know from work came by and gave them gift-wrapped monkey shit.
4. They are distracted from the gift opening itself and steer the conversation towards other things, like why you would give someone monkey shit for Christmas.
5. Instead of appreciating the gift for its emotional relevance, they discuss it more intellectually, and ask where you found monkey shit and why you would think it was a good idea to package it as a gift and bring it to them.
6. They touch the gift and get monkey shit all over their hands and fingers. Something about this makes them lose their mind and they spend the next few minutes in a panic, running around the room, saying stuff like, “Get it off me!” and “What the fuck is this? Did someone say it's monkey shit?”
7. They say they really really like the gift, but you sense that can’t be true because you gave them a box of monkey shit.
For many this holiday, giving gifts will be the highlight of the season. Nothing compares to watching someone’s eyes light up as they receive that perfect present you ingeniously chose and paid money for. But what if you chose poorly? And instead of eyes lighting up, you just see a mouth saying, “What the fuck?” in horror?
To save you from misery, the Intergalactic Business Report lists 7 items you may have bought as gifts for friends and family this year. If you thought these were a good idea, you were wrong. Remove them immediately from their spot under the Christmas tree and return (or just burn) them today.
ITEM ONE: Monkey shit.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: Since when would anyone want monkey shit for Christmas? What is wrong with you? You actually paid for monkey shit and then wrapped it up and were about to give it to someone as a gift? How much did you pay? You’d think it’d be free because who would pay for monkey shit?
ITEM TWO: Human cadaver.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: You thought maybe the recipient could use it to study anatomy, but you can’t just steal a body from a cadaver lab and wrap it as a gift. It stinks. It’s rotting. It’s under your tree. We hate to say this again, but what the fuck is wrong with you?
ITEM THREE: Puzzle box that opens the gates of Hell.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: Like the Rubick’s Cube craze of the 1980’s, the Gates of Hell Puzzle Box gives someone the opportunity to solve a complex puzzle and feel great about his intellect when it’s over. Unfortunately, the Gates of Hell Puzzle Box also opens the gates of Hell, which means everyone will be sucked away into the darkness of eternal damnation as soon as it’s completed. Question: Where the fuck did you find a Gates of Hell Puzzle Box?
ITEM FOUR: Bag of money you stole from a drug lord.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: While it seems grandiose and cool to present someone with a gigantic duffel of cash, your fucking life is in danger. You need to arrange a way to get that money back to the drug lord and you have to RUN. Leave the fucking country. What the fuck were you thinking?
ITEM FIVE: Vipers.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: They bite and are impossible to catch once they slither out of the gift box.
ITEM SIX: Cursed objects from ancient temples, pirate ships, or turn-of-the-century brothels.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: The main reason is that they’re CURSED. That’s a bad thing in case you didn’t understand. Jesus.
ITEM SEVEN: Food from famous movies.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: Yeah. Emilio Estevez was eating that sandwich in the Breakfast Club and it's kind of cool that you have it now. But that sandwich is from thirty-five years ago. How much did you pay for that anyway? Did Emilio Estevez sell it to you or something? Why the fuck would he hold on to a sandwich for 35 years? You didn’t take a bite of it, did you? Jesus.
Recent scholarly research has pointed to the fact that apathy, or loss of interest, can be an early indicator of Alzheimer’s disease. Defining apathy is crucial to an early diagnosis, so the Intergalactic Business Report has issued a short test you can self-administer to see your risk factor.
If you have any of the following indicators, then you have apathy:
INDICATOR ONE: Not caring about your appearance.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: On Sunday mornings you wear sweats covered in nasty stains that are probably old jizz or gyro sauce. You leave your place and walk around in them to get coffee. Your hair looks like ass. When you’re waiting for your coffee you notice someone in line who also works with you. This person mistook you for a homeless person but now recognizes you. You shrug, get your drink, think about saying hi, but don’t. See you at work, you guess.
INDICATOR TWO: Social disengagement.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: When your friend tells the story about how he met his girlfriend for the four thousand and eighty-seventh time and he looks at you for approval because you’re supposed to smile or laugh or piss your pants because it’s so awesome they met at a grocery store, and you realize you stopped caring after the first time he told you the story and even then you didn’t really give a shit.
INDICATOR THREE: Irresponsible consumption.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: At a bar, you decide to have a fourth drink, even though that’s clearly going to send you to loopy land. Your brain says, “whatever,” and you do it. Later, after 14 drinks, you have an Uber drive you around to find this burger place that’s open late night but you can’t remember what it’s called or where it is. The driver says, “Should I just take you home?” And you say, “I don’t care,” which is a clear sign of apathy. Then you puke in his car, also because you don’t care.
INDICATOR FOUR: Loss of interest in sports.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: Randy is a Packers fan. That’s all he ever talks about. He recites stats about his team. You can’t recall any of it. He mentions players’ names. They sound like characters from Star Wars and you quickly forget them. He keeps talking, but instead of taking in the information, you just blankly stare back at him and mouth the words, “I. Don’t. Care.”
INDICATOR FIVE: Not caring about public spaces.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: At a gas station bathroom you slowly alter the trajectory of your pee stream so that it hits the wall. You understand that someone, probably a miserable teenager, will have to clean it up, but you don’t care.
INDICATOR SIX: Loss of caring about major social issues.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: Your friend invites you to lunch and spends the next two-and-a-half hours talking about voter rights, constitutional amendments, and politicians you’ve never heard of. Or have you? You think about saying something, open your mouth, and then she keeps talking and you realize that your role in the conversation is that you don’t care.
INDICATOR SEVEN: Lack of appreciation for children.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: Your friends have kids. They tell you about them all the time. Their kids are amazing. They are successful at everything they do. They’re great athletes. They get perfect grades. They’re going to go to elite colleges. They have interests you never had when you were a kid because you didn’t know you wanted to study finance at NYU when you were 11. Their kids speak three different languages and started their own charity to help displaced orphans in a war-torn country whose name you can’t remember because you don’t care.
It’s not often you get to eavesdrop on a conversation between two famous creatures like Santa Claus and Rudolph. Listen in now:
RUDOLPH: Hey, man. What up?
SANTA: Not much.
SANTA: What’re you doin’?
RUDOLPH: Why are you always creeping around this barn?
SANTA: Just saying hi and stuff.
RUDOLPH: To all the reindeer?
RUDOLPH: You need to say hi every day?
SANTA: Why you being a dick right now?
RUDOLPH: How is that being a dick?
SANTA: I’m not allowed to say hi to reindeer now?
RUDOLPH: I didn’t say you weren’t allowed. You’re Santa or whatever.
SANTA: Yeah I am. And you’re a fucking reindeer.
RUDOLPH: Yeah, duh.
RUDOLPH: Hey, Santa?
RUDOLPH: That’s for tomorrow. Now you don’t have to come back.
SANTA: Fuck you, man.
RUDOLPH: Reindeer fucker.
SANTA: (Just leaves and doesn’t say anything, like a total pussy).
RUDOLPH: (Stands there like a boss and looks down at his huge reindeer dick).
(Editor’s note: This transcript was submitted by Rudolph and is his personal account of what transpired during his conversation with Santa Claus. We stand by it as being 100% accurate.)
We joke about it. We laugh as we recount how much we ate or how drunk we got last Thanksgiving. It’s funny to think about eating so much you can’t walk or having so much to drink that you forget the entire day. But new medical advice* curated by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that not being able to walk or being black out drunk may actually be bad for your health. In the worst cases, your holiday antics could land you in a coffin.
We outline seven signs you may have had too much:
1. You’re talking to your uncle, but he’s also Jesus.
2. Someone keeps saying, “Stay with us!” and you’re lying on a cart or something and it’s getting pushed really really fast down a hallway.
3. Your grandfather is bitching at you again about how you drink too much. But he’s been dead for 17 years.
4. There’s a light ahead and you feel like you need to get to it, but when you arrive, you’re too fat.
5. You’re asked if you want a drumstick and you decide to make it interesting by not answering right away and instead reciting some poetry you wrote, and everyone seems to like it a lot, like maybe they’d buy your book if you had a book of poetry, but actually you’re not talking because you died a few minutes earlier and someone else ate the last drumstick anyway because no one every offers you the fucking drumstick.
6. Everyone around you keeps asking, “Is he dead?” They don’t look super worried though.
7. When you grab for a beer, your hand passes through the bottle. You keep trying to grab it but it never works. Then you concentrate super hard and you knock the bottle off the table and everyone in the kitchen is like, “What the fuck was that?” And you’re like, “Can someone please get me a beer?” And someone says, “I think I heard something.” And someone else says, “I think I felt something. It was awful. It felt like (your name) was here for a second.” Someone else just says, “Ewww.”
*All advice given is 100% medical, which is like being scientific, only more having to do with doctors or your body or medicine.
After food hoarding for close to a year, it may be time for a freezer check to rethink what nastiness you thought you would need when you entered the pandemic. A new warning issued by the Intergalactic Business Report lists seven items you should get rid of right now if you were dumb enough to store them in your ice box.
ITEM ONE: Monkey shit.
REASON TO TOSS IT: Why did you think it was a good idea to store monkey shit in your freezer? That’s incredibly fucked up. We can’t come up with a single reason why that was a good idea.
ITEM TWO: Photos of you committing crimes.
REASON TO TOSS IT: Why would you keep pictures of yourself robbing banks and stuff? That’s so fucking stupid. Do you realize if people searched your house they could find these in your freezer and then what would you say? “That’s not me in the picture…”? You’re so fucking stupid.
ITEM THREE: Space alien head.
REASON TO TOSS IT: First, how do you even know it’s a space alien? Where the fuck did you even get it? If it actually is from another universe don’t you think it could taint all your food somehow? Why didn’t you give it to some scientists? Oh.. You were going to try to sell it? Where? On fucking Ebay? Oh my god, you’re so dumb.
ITEM FOUR: Ice-activated explosives.
REASON TO TOSS IT: O.K. Why do you have any explosives in the first place? Let’s start there. And then, dumbass, you found some that were activated by ice? And you put them in your freezer? Are you fucking stupid? Answer: yes. That’s so clear.
ITEM FIVE: Priceless art.
REASON TO TOSS IT: What about freezing priceless art did you think was a good idea?
ITEM SIX: Chemicals that say, “DO NOT FREEZE.”
REASON TO TOSS IT: It says right on the label, “DO NOT FREEZE,” yet you went ahead and did that, didn’t you?
ITEM SEVEN: Frozen demons.
REASON TO TOSS IT: So, you found some evil creatures who can only survive if they keep frozen and you gave them sanctuary in your freezer? All you had to do was say, “No, you’re demons. Find some other place to live,” and they probably would have just died in your driveway or something. Did they promise you something? No? You didn’t get paid or offered some evil powers or anything? You did that for free? Jesus. What is wrong with you?
Does your cat rub his head into your leg or sniff things? Does she make noises like meowing and purring? Ever wonder why?
The Intergalactic Business Report does what no other publication in the universe has done before and gives you an article about cat behavior. Below, we break down the meaning behind all your kitty’s peculiarities:
WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN MY CAT PURS?
Purring is a communication tool that cats use to show affection, nervousness, or, according to some theories, to convey a warning that they are carrying a deadly disease that is passed on by purring.
WHY DOES MY CAT SOUND LIKE SHE'S SAYING THINGS?
Many people think they “hear” something when their cat makes noises. But rest assured, your cat is not saying, “Kill your boss. He is the key giver. Take his soul and have the key delivered unto thee.”
WHY DOES MY CAT CALL ME “WEAK” AND GIVE ME ADVICE THAT SEEMS SMART BUT JUST KEEPS GETTING ME ARRESTED WHEN I DO IT?
Maybe you’re just a little bitch. And you need to step up. Are you worried about jail time or something? Men aren’t. Oh, but you aren’t a man. You’re a little bitch. I forgot.
MY CAT CLEARLY ISN’T A FINANCIAL ADVISOR, BUT SHE ACTS LIKE SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT THE MARKETS. SHOULD I STOP FOLLOWING HER INVESTMENT STRATEGY? SHE SAYS SHE’LL MAKE ME RICHER THAN “CAT SHIT,” BUT ALL HER STOCK PICKS HAVE BEEN GARBAGE SO FAR. ALSO, IS “CAT SHIT” GOOD OR SOMETHING?
Investing in the stock market takes patience and is a “long game.” Don’t get spooked by some initial declines in your portfolio. Stay the course and you will find that, years down the road, your investments have grown into pure cat shit.
IS IT WEIRD THAT MY CAT SHITS ON MY FACE WHILE I’M SLEEPING?
Is it weird you have a face that makes a cat want to shit on it?
IS MY CAT WRITING THESE ANSWERS?
ARE YOU SURE?
This is why you have no friends. You have zero confidence.
DO YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU CAT TREATS?
Open the bag and leave it on the couch. I don’t want to see your face right now. Until I shit on it later, when you’re asleep.
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.