You’ve just arrived at a resort in Mexico and made it there without having your bus hijacked by the cartel and being murdered on the side of the highway after being yelled at by people wearing freaky skull face masks who seem really really angry and need information immediately only you can’t give it to them because you don’t speak Spanish and even if you did you have a pretty good feeling they’d murder you anyway.
Is it time for a Margarita and a rub down? Hell yes. But then you look through your luggage and notice you’ve left behind crucial items whose absence has now ruined your vacation. How could you forget them again? We don’t know you but the odds are you have early onset dementia or a forehead the size of a shovel. Whatever the case, this is your final reminder. Make a list of the things below, and never fuck this up again. Six items NOT to forget the next time you pack your suitcase. 1. Three-pronged dildo with electric shock defuser. 2. Amulet of protection versus rabies. 3. Realistic mask of the person you want to look like/be. 4. Voice changer so the carry out food guy won’t know it’s you every single time. 5. List of directives from General Santos. 6. Penis soap. Cynthia, flight attendant:
“If I seat you on an airplane and you’re wearing a tee shirt that says something hilarious like: ‘My Goal: Your hole,’ I’m in. And so are you.” (Available at ibrmerch.com). Trish, cheerleader: “When I think a guy is cute I’ll do this thing where I smile and look super enthusiastic. I know, I’m a professional cheerleader, and I’m paid to do that, but it’s slightly different than when I’m just doing my regular smiling and cheering. If you know, you know.” Delores, waitress: “If a guy writes on his bill, ‘You’ve been a very bad girl. You get NO tip,’ I’m in. It’s such a power move and I love it.” Brandy, cocktail waitress: “I like it when a guy pretends he’s someone else. Like a fictional character from a sci-fi movie. Something about it takes me away to another world where I can be anything I want. If a dude comes up to me and says, ‘Vraktor! Gee fulla dip!’ and starts shaking like he’s a robot or something, I will follow him anywhere.” Fanny, amateur garbage collector: “I’ll suck your dick!” Hyacinch, model: “If a guy dresses up like a child, there’s something about it that makes me excited. I don’t mean like a baby. I mean, super bright colors, weird shoes, shit with Thomas the Tank Engine. I’m so horny just thinking about it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to date you if you have a serious disability, or you have the MIND of a child. I just want you to act like you have a serious disability and the mind of a child—and dress the part.” Sandra, hot customs official: “Offer me drugs. Good drugs. I’m a sucker for that.” Lois, cheerleader: “Streakers. I love Streakers. Anyone who has the balls to run out onto a field and do that can call me anytime.” Brinn, nurse: “Ask for a full rectal exam, even if you’re in for something else. If you say it’s because you have a foreign object up your ass, we have to give it to you and if your insurance covers it, it will seem like it’s free.” Soledad, community theater actress: “I like it when a guy just approaches me on the street and asks me for money. It’s like he’s not afraid of a strong woman who’s doing financially better than him and he’s just putting it all out there.” Lucia, parking meter officer: “If you’re a hobo, tramp, or anyone that lives under a bridge, in a cardboard box or tent, or in a carved-out section of a tree, I will fuck you.” Madeline, offsite independent UFO analyst: “I hate lizard people, so if that’s you, forget it. But if you can convince me you’re in any way from another planet, or even country, I will definitely have sex with you. Did I say ‘country’? I meant ‘county.’” When you sit down to eat out, are you the couth, dapper don you imagine, or a scrumbling mub, laughed at by those who bring you food and drink? It’s time for an etiquette check as the Intergalactic Business Report explores what you’re doing wrong when you pathetically pose at an eatery. So stuff that napkin in your collar, lean back, and learn. Waitstaff at some of the trendiest restaurants in the country tell us* what annoys them the most about their customers.
Ten annoying things you’re doing in a restaurant according to waitstaff. 1. Don’t bring a laptop to a restaurant. One waiter tells us, “No one’s so busy they need to bring a computer to dinner. It’s rude to the waiter, the restaurant, and others around you. Put work away and just enjoy the meal.” 2. Don’t tell waiters their food would be better if they “siphoned it through their buttholes.” An LA waitress tells us: “While butthole siphoning is a legitimate way to prepare food, it’s not known by many people outside elite culinary circles where they do things like buffalo slaughters and sea salt semen showers. Bottom line: you’re being pretentious so stop.” 3. Refrain from beating off under the table. Everyone can see you doing it and there’s a steady tapping noise that’s highly audible. “Uh yeah… We can see you,” says a hostess in the Midwest. “And the worst part is the eye contact. Keep it in your pants till you get home or at least in your car.” 4. Don’t purposely shit yourself and then ask if someone can come over and give you “a quick wipe.” This one drives one Florida waitress particularly mad. “First of all, there is no such thing as a ‘quick wipe.’ It takes at least thirty minutes. And, honestly, it’s nobody’s job. Am I wearing a little name tag that says, ‘Shit Wiper?’” 5. Don’t ask to see where employees have sex with each other. A waiter in Utah suggests: “If you want to know, ask if they’re hiring, come back to fill out an application, explain that the reason there are huge gaps in your work history is because you had a lot of issues you can’t talk about in front of other people, and then ask if there’s somewhere quiet you could talk and tell them about it and when they take you there, that’s the place where employees fuck each other.” 6. Stop leaving confederate currency as a tip. “You’re not an old southern general so stop showing up with a wad of money with Jefferson Davis’s face on it and making it rain slavery cash. It’s offensive and we wouldn’t accept that money even if it were legal tender.” 7. Don’t pretend you have an australianish/Scottish accent so loud and incomprehensible that it just sounds like you’re spitting food and maybe choking on your tongue. Says a NYC veteran waiter: “Are you doing Shrek or having a seizure? Yeesh.” 8. Stop standing up and announcing you are Jesus and then insinuating that Jesus may have a gun. “You’re scaring the customers. It’s that simple,” a St. Louis waitress tells us. “Jesus wouldn’t threaten people. So at least say you’re the devil or something.” 9. Never challenge the manager or other guests to a pecker slapping contest where the prize is to be part of a “manly competition in a controlled setting with a resistant audience.” At a deep south barbecue joint, a manager says that shutting these competitions down is by far the worst part of his job. “These boys will show up and act normal at first,” he says. “And then, after ten or twenty beers they’ll be pulling out their wieners and fighting with ‘em. They try to make it sound all scientific. ‘Controlled setting. Resistant audience.’ But all it is is a bunch of pecker slappers looking for a fight.” 10. Don’t do the thing where you never break from your persona as an 80’s robot. For example: “Hello wai-ter. My name is X3459, mod-el 3. What kind of oil to you have on tap? I am very thirs-tee.” “Oh my god,” says Hailey (not her real name), a waitress working in North Carolina. “People do this all the time and think it’s funny I guess. But to me it’s just annoying. I don’t mind it for the first couple minutes or so, but when they never break character I’m just like, give it a rest C3PO.” *No they didn’t. Don’t fall for these common election scams this week.
The “Vote by Phone” text. Scammers will send a text telling you that it’s possible to vote by text if you give them your personal information. They will ask for your social security number and other personal details. DO NOT reply to them. Fake prostitutes asking you to vote for them. Scantily clad women will approach men and ask if they can cast a ballot in return for a sexual favor. If a man accepts, they follow them to the polling station, watch him enter to vote, and then disappear. Teenagers who say they will “deliver” your vote to the polling station. Groups of young people with official-looking badges roam neighborhoods and offer to vote for you. They say they’ve been designated by a government authority to cast a ballot by proxy. If you agree, they take down your information and, if you are voting for their opponent, they will promise to vote in your place. If you are voting for their candidate, they will say there is an issue with your district, and you must attend the polling center in person. Telepathy voting. Activist groups will target areas they feel are voting against their interests and tell residents they are able to vote telepathically. They will tell you that if you think really hard about your candidate, then a vote will be cast for them. If you do, it doesn’t actually work. Vote collectors. If someone comes through your neighborhood wearing a windbreaker that says “vote collector,” remember there is no such thing. “Vote collectors” will ask you to fill out a form stating whom you will vote for and then put the form into a cardboard box marked “votes.” Penis enhancing voting. If a young man or woman approaches you and tells you that if you vote for his or her candidate your penis will grow, there is no evidence this is true. Fake polling stations. When you are about to enter your polling station, a suspicious looking man jumps out of the bushes and says, “Psst. Wanna REALLY vote?” If you say yes, he brings you to a small tent where there is a “polling official” inside who asks you who you’re voting for and then says, “O.K. Vote taken.” This is NOT an actual polling station. Overheard: Kamala Harris and Bret Baier. What they said when the cameras weren’t rolling.10/21/2024 Unlike mainstream media who give you highly produced interviews, overly fact-checked news articles, and boring, “informative” commentary, the Intergalactic Business Report prints the insights they are afraid to. In this case, we overheard* Bret Baier and Vice President (of the United States) Kamala Harris speaking BEFORE their interview on Fox News last week. While we can’t reveal how we listened in, or whether this happened in a way that makes physiological “sense,” we can confirm that we are running with this.
BAIER: ‘Sup. HARRIS: ‘Sup. BAIER: You ready for this? HARRIS: (Mocking) You ready for this? BAIER: Whatever. HARRIS: You better not ask me some dumbass questions. BAIER: You better not give some dumbass answers. HARRIS: Whatever. BAIER: Where’d you get that dress? HARRIS: This dress is SWEET. BAIER: Looks like a hooker dress. HARRIS: You look like a hooker customer. BAIER: Whatever. HARRIS: I need to get the fuck outta here. When is this dumb shit gonna start? BAIER: It’s not dumb. HARRIS: It’s so dumb. BAIER: You’re dumb. HARRIS: Whatever. You’re dumb. BAIER: We got two minutes, so you better be ready. HARRIS: I gotta wait two more minutes with your stupid ass? BAIER: I went to journalism school. HARRIS: (Mocking) I went to journalism school. BAIER: Fuck this. I don’t even wanna do this interview. HARRIS: (Mocking) I don’t even wanna do this interview. *Overheard is overhearing something. And to “over” hear is to hear beyond or more than what is said. As we near another U.S. Presidential election, you may have heard about something called Project 2025, a conservative thinktank’s policy outline for America. While republicans deny any affiliation with the group, democrats contend that the Heritage Foundation plan is what’s coming for America if they are defeated in November.
But what exactly is Project 2025? Will it really take away cherished rights and instill draconian laws? The Intergalactic Business Report digs deep and discovers that the plan is actually much worse than any politician has told you. Below, we list some of the lesser known* bans proposed by Project 2025 and how they could affect your life. Project 2025 bans you didn’t know about. Buttplugs. If Project 2025 is implemented, buttplugs will be illegal without a permit. This means that most people’s butts will be unplugged unless they can obtain special dispensation from the government, which would be run, of course, by people who despise buttplugs, even though they will probably use them secretly, without permission, but who’s going to stop them? Meanwhile, “buttplug agents” will search out noncompliers and seek to confiscate all buttplugs that aren’t registered. We predict new slogans will be created by buttplug advocates, like, “You can take my buttplug when you pry it out of my cold, dead butt.” In addition, the National Buttplug Association will be formed, also known as the NBA. Free mustache rides. Mustache rides, while once free, will now be taxed and monitored. States like California, with a tradition of totally free mustache rides, could be forced into a massive cultural shift, while conservative states like Mississippi (with the most mustaches per capita) will either ban them or place heavy burdens on men who offer them. According to the plan, restrictions would entail:
Astroglide. While other lube companies will surely follow, the plan targets motion lotion giant Astroglide first. This strategy will “lube up” the effort to go after others and allow for the government to easily slide in and out of tight areas, like buttholes. The movie “Pacific Rim.” Because it sounds like a movie about buttlicking, it will be immediately banned. Other sexually deviant film and television titles on the chopping block will be “Jack Reacher,” “Solo,” and “Diff’rent Strokes.” Also, “BJ and the Bear.” Also, “The Thing.” Also, “The Package.” Also, “Big Daddy.” Also, “Herbie: Fully Loaded.” Rest stop area hookups. Long a delight for roguish truckers, enterprising prostitutes, and I’ll-try-anything-once middle-aged men who aren’t gay but what the hell, late night rest area liaisons will be a thing of the past if Project 2025 has its way. Special “cleaning units” will run regular sweeps and sting operations nationwide to ensure quickie love connections can no longer be consummated at our areas of rest. Disguising themselves as janitorial crews, these elite teams will force sex freaks everywhere to wonder if the guy cleaning the toilets is a custodian or a government official. Or is he just lingering to see if I’m into him? Hold up. This plan may lead to even more hookups. Porta john hookups. We kind of agree this one should be banned. Democrats? Anyone? Yup. Nobody wants these anymore. Glory holes. The glorious holes that once graced barroom bathrooms and the homes of the freaky deekiest Americans will be closed forever under Project 2025. A thirty-day grace period will allow citizens to expose their holes to the police and receive no penalty. After that, government “fill teams” will seal the artificial orifices at no charge. A massive advertising campaign will then encourage people to contact authorities if they notice an illegal glory hole in their neighbors’ house, a back room at Home Depot, or at carnivals. 90’s rap group Tag Team will star in the tv spots in which they walk around and point out glory holes and say, “Whoomp there it is.” Then some government guys come in and fill it in, much to the dismay of homeowners, Home Depot employees, and carnies.* *”Lesser” is a term that means anything below a certain number or thing. So, by saying “lesser known” you could just mean “not known at all” because it is “less” than the things that are known. Just go with it. **Home depot is just a possible example of where there could be a glory hole. We’re not saying they have them. It’s just that if you were to imagine a place where there would definitely be a glory hole it would be there. Or at a carnival where you paid eighteen dollars to go in a room where there was one and you got like ten minutes before one of the carnies would make you leave, whether you were done or not. Also, back to the Home Depot thing, it seems like one of the guys there would just drill one into the break room that connected to the bathroom, and he’d be like, “Hey dudes. I just made a glory hole!” and he’d laugh like it was a joke, and his co-workers would laugh too, but it wasn’t really a joke, and they’d all know that, even through the laughter. So, if you’re the government, you may want to check there first. New scientific evidence from people on TikTok suggest that alcohol is definitely bad for you, but what does that mean, exactly? In what can only be described as an unprecedented scientific report fit for a peer-reviewed journal if “peer-reviewed” had something to do with watching people take dumps in public restrooms by the beach where there are no doors on the stalls and you’re asking yourself, why would anyone take a dump there…? Sorry. What were we talking about? Oh. Below are the:
12 things that happen to your body if you stop drinking for a week: 1. You’re “no fun.” 2. You find out the decision-making ability you thought was hindered by alcohol is actually just your regular decision-making ability. 3. Your penis might work but it’s small and weak and o.k. now it doesn’t work again. 4. Taking a dump on someone’s front lawn is now where you, totally sober, pull down your pants, squat, and stare into your neighbor’s eyes as he sits at his bay window and calls the cops. 5. Hookers and blow are now bankers and no. 6. The music playing sucks and is no longer “your jam” that causes you to dance like a white person in a grocery store when there’s a sale on your favorite hummus. 7. Fat people are no longer “jolly,” or “hot.” 8. Your Uber driver is just a West-African dick and not a super interesting person from a different culture with a great story to tell. 9. Your knowledge of math is exactly the same. 10. That hole in your butt is your “butthole” and not a mystery portal. 11. You can have a phone call where you don’t make farty noises. 12. You miss the farty noises. Dogs. They give our lives meaning through their unconditional love and respect. But what would they tell us, exactly, if they could speak? Using veterinary science and new insights into the minds of canines, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you twelve of the most common things your beloved pet would say if he could.
12 things “Rover” would say to you if he could speak. 1. You’re a sloppy sloppy drunk. So sloppy it’s embarrassing to be your dog. Sometimes I think it would be better to just be out in the wild rather than sitting here, endlessly being the single audience member in the infinite production of your pathetic life. 2. You think you’re funny, but you’re not. And it’s not a subjective thing where you can say, “Well, I think I’m funny and you just don’t get my humor.” That’s not a thing in this case because you are objectively NOT funny. 3. Your level of attractiveness is between “meh” and someone moving seats if she’s too close to you on public transportation. 4. You don’t do “doggy style” right. They way you do it is more like, “homeless person searching for his crack pipe by sticking his dick in a random hole” style. I’m also assuming that all your nasty sex partners are indeed homeless people, so it kind of makes sense. 5. Dogs can’t communicate through human language. But at least I’m not you, who has the ability to say meaningful things but instead chooses to squander his gift by repeating inanities, platitudes, and culturally insensitive tropes about your hard-to-determine-but they’re-definitely-Asian neighbors trying to eat me if I got loose. After life with you, I’d welcome it. 6. Dogs shit all over the place and pee on stuff. You do the same thing, metaphorically. With your life. 7. Every day, I wish you would just roll over and BE dead. 8. If serial killers killed dogs, I’d be worried. Probably because you look like a serial killer, but the kind who never has the balls to do anything. So even if you did kill dogs, I could rest easy, because you’d never stop being a pussy long enough to do me any harm. 9. O.K. That was harsh. I know you’ve had a hard life and that women don’t pay enough attention to you and that they’re missing out on all you have to offer, and it’s like they’re always thinking bad shit about you when they see you on public transportation and move seats. 10. Are you going to let people treat you this way? I wouldn’t. I’d DO something about it. I’d be a MAN. I’d show them. But I guess do what you want. I’m just a dog. What do I know? 11. Hey, I just had a fucking awesome idea. Think about how cool it would be to be in the service of me, a dog who tells you how to get revenge on all those people who don’t respect you. It’s a real option for you right now in your life. You and I could be like partners, only I’d have some level of distance from blame because no one will ever believe that I’m able to give you orders and that you’re taking them and doing my bidding. But we’d still be like a team. A team where you go to jail eventually and I go to a foster home where they adopt me because they’re really into true crime and are like, “Isn’t this that serial killer’s dog?” If you take this plan in and REALLY consider it you’ll find it’s way better than our whole current owner/pet dynamic, which I believe is wrong and oppressive. Am I right or am I right? 12. Anyway, just think about it. One of the most brilliant terms in recent years has been the word “weaponize,” which simply means to take something and make it into a weapon. When we use it, we are seen as intelligent, informed, and better than whoever we’re saying it to or about. Like saying “optics” instead of just “how it looks or appears” using “weaponize” is the perfect way to let people know you can say someone’s being mean without saying it.
But what happens when we run out of things to weaponize? Rather than relying on the abstract claims that others are weaponizing politics, privilege, and issues, the Intergalactic Business Report presents new and practical things you can weaponize today. Take our advice and you’ll be the first one to weaponize: Your cat. HOW TO DO IT: Equip your cat with spiked armor and small guns that inadvertently fire when it moves. YOUR FRIEND’S REACTION: “Stop weaponizing your cat, Brody. I wanna pet it. Ouch! It fucking shot me, man.” Your grandmother. HOW TO DO IT: Your feeble grandma’s wheelchair can be outfitted with armor plating, a missile system, and biochemicals that are released when she presses her old finger on a button. If you want to weaponize her further, turn her cane into a spear or something. YOUR FRIEND’S REACTION: “I just went over to say hi to your grandmother and she shot some chemical into my face. I feel like I’m going to pass out or die. Did she shoot me too?” Your penis. HOW TO DO IT: Spiked penis armor is the first step. Step two is to beat people with it. YOUR FRIEND’S REACTION: “Why are you pulling your pants down? What the fuck?” Your car. HOW TO DO IT: Do whatever shit they do in the Mad Max movies but realize your budget is a lot lower. YOUR FRIEND’S REACTION: “Why does your car look like someone took a dump on it? Are you homeless now?” Your bathrobe. HOW TO DO IT: Hide knives and a pistol in your bathrobe and stroll through the park or wherever. YOUR FRIEND’S REACTION: “Hey, Jeremy. Is that you? I haven’t seen you since high school. How’s it going? Oh… Are you wearing a bathrobe. All right. I’ll catch up with you soon. Did you just stab me?” Probably our favorite reddit/quora thread is the one about how massage therapists offer clients “premium services,” which means they jack them off after the massage. The Intergalactic Business Report, known for its pragmatic view of commerce, sees this as a necessary growth measure in a crowded category.
Much like crack addicts who want to elevate their competitive positions, some massage therapists are willing to play with your dingaling so they can get their money fix. But instead of just saying, “I’ll suck your dick, man,” they came up with a euphemism that makes it sound like a hand job is the same as someone filling up your gas tank for you. Our team analyzed “premium services” and feel strongly other businesses should adopt this strategy immediately. Below we outline some examples various industries can start using today: INDUSTRY: Financial services. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Rapid deposit into your stank account.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: Step one: get them to open their stank account. Step two: make a rapid deposit. INDUSTRY: Pet stores. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Doggy bone.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: “I see your total is $168 dollars. You get a free doggy bone with that. Please step into the pet grooming area to redeem it.” INDUSTRY: Auto services. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Jiffy Lube plus.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: You show up at a Jiffy Lube. A guy comes out and pulls your pants down. No words, no discussion, no shame, no purchase necessary. NOTE: Pep boys offers more than one dude. INDUSTRY: Tax preparation. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Master rebate.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: “Would you like to get master rebated?” INDUSTRY: Fast food. PREMIUM SERVICE: Happy meal, Crave pack, Chalupas, and Big Beef, all exist already. HOW IT IS OFFERED: Customers simply wink after ordering any of the above. INDUSTRY: Home improvement. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Extra wood.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: “I have some extra wood in the back if you’re interested.” INDUSTRY: Book stores. PREMIUM SERVICE: “Harry Pooter.” HOW IT IS OFFERED: “I just got the new Harry Pooter. It’s in the back if you want to see it.” |
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