 Your written communication can make a lasting impression on colleagues, employers, clients, and customers. Don’t blow it by using weak language. The Intergalactic Business Report gives you 12 power phrases you should add into every important missive you send.
Get smart and start writing with passion and power. Slip these into your next cover letter or email and get the respect you deserve. 1. “I’m pretty sure I’m god or something, so read this like it’s the bible.” 2. “If this seems like gibberish it’s because I’m gifted and you don’t understand talent.” 3. “Did you even graduate from high school, you stupid motherfucker? I did. I graduated. I totally did. Can’t prove it because I lost the diploma thing. You don’t know my life. Fuck off.” 4. “You think you’re better than me?” 5. “You’re lucky I can’t jump through this page and beat your ass.” 6. “I write. You read. That makes you a bitch.” 7. “Don’t mistake my writing to you as friendship. That’s something I reserve for people who suck my dick. Do you accept my offer of friendship?” 8. “Re-read that last line! Re-read it, motherfucker!” 9. “Penis. I wrote that.” 10. “Where did you learn to read? Elementary school?” 11. “I’m going to give you three seconds to read this letter. Three, two, one, light him up.” 12. “I wrote this for myself. Not for you. Why are you reading my private thoughts?” Sample letter: Dear Jeff: I’m pretty sure I’m god or something, so read this like it’s the bible. I wanted to touch base with you about the Martins account before our upcoming meeting. By the way, don’t mistake my writing to you as friendship. That’s something I reserve for people who suck my dick. Do you accept my offer of friendship? I can’t hear you. Why aren’t you answering me? You think you’re better than me? You’re lucky I can’t jump through this page and beat your ass. The Martins account represents our opportunity to finally break into the European market and I’m sure you’ll agree that our presentation to them has to be on point and flawless. To that end, I’ve arranged for… Wait a second. Why are you reading my private thoughts? I wrote this for me. Not you. King ding dong! Rip the fart, Judy! Still of the night. Zowie, homes! If that sounds like gibberish it’s because I’m gifted and you don’t understand talent. Let’s get this straight. I write. You read. That makes you a bitch. Did you even graduate from high school, you stupid motherfucker? I did. I graduated. I totally did. Can’t prove it because I lost the diploma thing. You don’t know my life. Fuck off. Where did you learn to read? Elementary school? Penis. I wrote that. Re-read that last line! Re-read it, motherfucker! In closing, I think it’s imperative that we speak to the Martins people about how we can offer them higher quality services than our competitors. I believe we do this by, are you even reading this? I’m going to give you three seconds to read this letter. Three, two, one, light him up. Money, bitches, mint chocolate chip ice cream, Devon  Your body. You want to understand it but sometimes you can’t unless you read internet articles that tell you what’s really going on. By far, the most frequent body question we receive at the Intergalactic Business Report is, “What would happen if I didn’t let myself poop for a week?” Today we answer this urgent query by outlining the eleven medical things that take place in your body when you hold it in for seven days.
What happens to your body when you stop pooping for a week. 1. You feel like you need to use the bathroom, but not to pee. 2. Your butt feels like something’s wrong with it and that it might somehow explode at any moment. 3. There’s a constant feeling that you might shit yourself. 4. Your style of walking becomes, “I’m about to shit my pants.” 5. You whisper desperate prayers to a cruel god/universe that always go like this: “Please, please, make me not want to hold my poop in for an entire week.” 6. You feel you hear the universe whisper back to you, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Just go somewhere and take a crap.” 7. Your bowels churn as if to say, “We’re sending a crap to your butthole now.” 8. You respond to your bowels with, “Hey, hold up till the end of my seven-day nightmare where I don’t poop.” 9. Way way way in the back of your mind, you keep thinking, “Why would I ever decide not to crap for seven days?” 10. You have a conversation with a mystic looking tattoo artist who makes a deal with you that if he can ink a penis on your face, he will allow you to poop. Then you realize the guy is a hallucination after you say o.k. you’ll do it. 11. At seven days and one second you shit your pants during a meeting with your kid’s teacher and you’re sitting in one of those little elementary school chairs.  Dementia. It’s that thing you always worry you might have because every other article on the internet is about how you might have it. To ease your concerns, the Intergalactic Business Report developed this simple test to determine whether you are, indeed, demented.
The way it works is simple. Read the story below. It is about a rabbit and a dog who are best friends. Then answer three questions that will prove you are either fully cognizant or mentally beyond repair. People without dementia should be able to make sense of this story and easily answer the questions. If you can’t, well… Easy dementia test. Please read the story and answer the questions. Derrick the Bear and Paul the Clown were terrible enemies. Red Bull. One day, Jeff found a rose in his back yard. She loved that show, “Family Ties,” mostly because of the way she touched Fred’s nipple. Fast forward one hundred years or so. Biffy slung hate cereal at Murrow’s face. Yuck. Time for a smoke, Randy. Question one: When did Jake the bunny and Barney the dog first meet? Question two: How many step siblings does Jake have? Question three: Smurty bowl?  Not even close to being a real picture of Ed Mountaineer. If you’ve ever wondered how columnist Ed Mountaineer stays so focused and productive, the answer may be in his simple morning routine. Read the details below:
A lot of people ask me how I’m able to do so much and concentrate my mind on multiple tasks and thoughts and other stuff like that. For instance, right now, I’m doing things. And that has to do with the fact that I’m awake. Try doing something when you’re asleep. It’s almost impossible except if you count what you do in your dreams, like having sex with raccoons and then the face of one of them turns into your boss and you’re like, “You better be wearing a fucking condom!” and then you wake up. This article focuses on what I do after I fuck my racoon boss and am what we call, “conscious.” As soon as I wake up, I follow a simple 30-minute routine. This is it: MINUTE 1-3: Open your eyes. Visualize whatever you see. There it is. Right in front of you. MINUTE 4: Check to see if your penis is still there. It is? Then keep going. MINUTE 5-8: Are you sure your penis is there? Feel for it. Be absolutely positive on this because if you wake up with no dick then pretty much everything else that day is ruined. MINUTE 9-15: Check for your other vital organs. If you got really drunk with those Korean guys again, they could have stolen your kidneys. Are you in a bathtub with ice in it? No? Good. Are you bleeding or do you have any holes in your body where someone may have taken something out? Keep checking. MINUTE 16-17: Raise your body slowly. Like you’re getting out of a coffin or something. Sit up completely. Look around. Do you recognize the room? No? Then where the fuck are you? MINUTE 18-20: Figure out why you are chained to the bed. Did you do it to yourself because you’re a werewolf or whatever? Or did someone else do it? Check under the bed to see if someone’s there, but only if the chain is long enough for you to reach under. MINUTE 21-22: Does your hand meet someone else’s hand under the bed? Are you touching a body or something? Call out and say, “Hey man, where am I? Who are you?” MINUTE 23-25: When the guy crawls out from under the bed, see if he’s dressed as a clown. If so, you may have been “clown-fucked.” Take a second to deal with that reality. MINUTE 26-29: Negotiate for your release. Be really sincere if you can. There may be a lot of back and forth here, and the clown may get really jittery, like he’s on drugs or something and he’s not really paying attention to what you’re saying. MINUTE 30: See if you can lure him close enough to strangle him with your chain. This gives you a ton of leverage in the negotiation process. Anyway, I swear by this routine and feel it gives me the juice I need to go on with my day. Try it. Maybe it will work for you too. I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Ed Mountaineer writes things for the Intergalactic Business Report. You can reach him at ed@intergalacticbiz.com.  Because of documentaries like “The Vow,” and “Holy Hell,” many people have a negative image of cults. I get that. When you watch those films, you’re taken through a predictable journey in which you first see the promise and connection a cult brings its members before it's revealed that the true purpose behind the organization is to get its leader laid and maybe steal some money from his followers.
As the Epic Leader of a group called Human Potential In My Pants, I have a totally different perspective on this portrayal of cults. I think they’re cool, first off. Or at least mine is. Maybe those other ones suck. I don’t know and I don’t care. I also think that the stuff I offer is pretty much the only way anyone on this planet is going to reach any kind of enlightenment or hope. Let me explain. My “cult,” straight up gives its followers access to the center of the universe, which is located in my pants. It’s a discovery I made myself years ago and now I share it with my members. Who knew that the mysteries of the universe were contained in my penis all along? I guess I did. Anyway, to join my “cult” is pretty simple and I don’t do the thing where you sign up and think it’s awesome at first and then it starts sucking. I do the thing where it sucks from the start and you’re like, “Oh… this sucks,” and I’m like, “Yeah, I told you it did.” What makes my cult different than others? Here are the basics: 1. My cult doesn’t incrementally take your money. The first day you join you give me all your worldly possessions and credit cards and cash. 2. Other cults make you take “courses.” Mine just involve you giving me money and then having sex with me. 3. Many cult leaders speak in aphorisms and are seen as “wise” and “knowledgeable.” I just say things like, “Well, it looks like it’s time for someone to suck my dick. Who’s up?” 4. A lot of cults have hundreds or even thousands of members. I have zero. So far. But you would make a great addition. 5. Some cult leaders meet potential members and charm them with their charisma. I just asked you to join in this shitty essay and I don’t even know you. 6. Cults tend to have group activities like volleyball or meditation or things where they try to read your mind. I have a penis. That’s pretty much the only group activity we have going. 7. New members of my cult get a fresh penis. Pretty cool, right? Don’t be the last one to join because that penis will be super unfresh and used. 8. Most cults have compounds or large houses where members live. I have your place. When can I move in? I think by now you get the picture of why my cult is upfront, honest, and the kind of place where spiritual development is as simple as having sex with my penis. So, is this the only cult story ever that has a happy ending? I guess that depends on whether you give massages. Harold Vusskels is the Epic Leader of Human Potential In My Pants, a straight up cult with zero members because he doesn’t count himself. If you’d like more information or would like to join we will pass on your information to him. Contact us at info@intergalacticbiz.com.  Want it in the butt instead? If you’re Japanese and enter China you may be tested for COVID-19—IN YOUR BUTT. When we heard this, we immediately wondered why the U.S. doesn’t test this way and whether we could receive our next COVID test anally instead of in our nose.
Turns out, America has a growing number of sites that offer an anal test. If you prefer taking it this way, you may want to see our list of anal testing centers that may be near you. U.S. COVID ANAL TESTING SITES: Hobart Nebraska. Jeff Berger’s basement. Jeff will probe your butt. You don’t even need to sign up in advance. Just knock on the door to his basement walkout and say you want it (your test) in the ass. Muncie Crossing, Alabama. Darryl Styce, mobile service. Darryl moves around a lot. But you may see his van parked in the Muncie Crossing metro area, usually by a high school or a senior care facility. Just approach Darryl and tell him you take it (your COVID-19 test) in the ass and can he give it to you. Surrey, Idaho. That dude who’s a janitor or something. There’s a guy in Surrey, Idaho who looks like a janitor because he wears a uniform and carries a mop, even though no one’s ever seen him actually doing custodial work anywhere. One thing he definitely will do though is give it (a Coronavirus test) to you in your asshole. Kentucky. Pretty much anywhere. Kentucky has by far the most free anal testing sites in the U.S. Just ask anyone if they can do it (give a COVID-19 test) to you in your butt. (In the) Butte, Montana. This city gained international attention when they first started anal testing of farm animals in the 1930s. Now they do it to humans.  Morality. It’s a thing. And at the Intergalactic Business Report, we believe in it. That’s why we began requiring our team to adhere to strict guidelines when it comes to their personal lives that are, we believe, extensions of their work lives and reflect upon us.
To be honest, the “morality clause” thing started when we learned that a cast member of “Pawn Stars” was let go because it turned out she was super hot and there were some nude photos of her. From the super hot Vanessa Williams who had to give up her Miss America crown because she had naked pics, to super hot high school English teacher Olivia Sprauer, it seemed that every time there were rules or standards for morality in place, some hot chick broke them. We believed strongly that if we could just enact our own decency codes, we would be able to produce our own hot chick to defy them. Instead, we may have to fire our own Cedric Bigglestone and others who immediately broke almost all our rules and instead of being super hot women, were not. Below we cite the list of offenses. MORALITY RULE: No active work as a “porn star.” HOW IT WAS BROKEN: Although it was only fruit sex, Cedric Bigglestone was able to start his own channel, claiming that in the future he would have real people and not just fruit. He then tried a thing where he found fruit that looked like celebrities but they didn’t really and he would yell at the camera and say shit about using your imagination better. And then the channel kind of just stopped after a while. But he did it, so morality code broken. MORALITY RULE: No podcasts or radio broadcasts where you pretend to felate objects your listeners send you. HOW IT WAS BROKEN: Cedric’s podcast, “I suck your objects,” lasted one episode and it was doubtful that listeners had actually sent anything to him since he had zero listeners. Except for Human Resources, that is. MORALITY RULE: No suggesting publicly that you have sex with fruit or cats. HOW IT WAS BROKEN: Everyone has made a joke about or expressed a fantasy about fruit or cat sex but saying it publicly is the issue. We set the parameters at it being fine if two or three people heard it but not if any number over four did. Cedric Bigglestone started talking about fucking a watermelon to three colleagues one day and then a fourth one walked in and heard it too. That’s when we cuffed him and led him out of the office.* MORALITY RULE: No erotic dancing for money. HOW IT WAS BROKEN: We felt strongly that Geoffrey, an intern, was dancing suggestively for us even though he claims he has a physical disability. Looked like sexy dancing to us.** MORALITY RULE: No saying, “I’m a prostitute. I will suck your dick in the office bathroom for $75.” HOW IT WAS BROKEN: This was actually a company password used to confirm someone was an employee. There were times at office retreats when everyone was asked to shout this. And management would say stuff like, “We can’t hear you!” and then they would shout it louder and then one of us would try to pay one of them seventy-five dollars. So we are all kind of guilty of this one. MORALITY RULE: No showing your snatch on t.v. HOW IT WAS BROKEN: We decided that the internet was not “t.v.” so unless a network is ready to greenlight a show where Cedric Bigglestone holds his iphone camera over his “snatch” for two hours, he’s safe. *We have since learned that it is “illegal” to cuff employees and do anything afterwards with them. **Yeah, Geoffrey, according to “doctors” has something that makes him look like he’s sexy dancing. Our bad. It’s not like we were paying him anyway. Fitness guru Jonny Ripkin says this winter may be key to getting in the best shape of your life.2/15/2021  The Intergalactic Business Report’s fitness expert, Jonny Ripkin, creator of the Shred and Fed Diet, has some extremely hot advice about how you can use this winter to get in the best shape of your life.
WHO AM I? I’m Jonny Ripkin, and if you haven’t heard of me yet it’s probably because you don’t care about your body. But that’s O.K. Most people don’t, and there’s a very good reason. THE REASON PEOPLE DON’T CARE ABOUT THEIR BODIES. Because their bodies look like shit. Think about it. If you had a car that was a pile of crap and could barely run, would you care about it? Or would you just say, “Fuck this,” and light it on fire? SO, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO ABOUT YOUR PIECE OF CRAP BODY? LIGHT IT ON FIRE? Woah, hold up. Don’t set yourself on fire just yet, although if you do you will actually lose a ton of weight, super fast. In fact, it’s probably the fastest weight loss method out there. Lighting yourself on fire will literally burn off all the fat on your body. OTHER OPTIONS, BESIDES SELF-IMMOLATION. O.K., so the lighting yourself on fire thing is a great plan, but if you want to function as a living human being afterwards, it is problematic. Although, I do have to admit, if you burn yourself to death, you definitely will keep the weight off. It’s like a 0% rate of people who gain pounds after. Not bad. Not bad at all. But there are some more options out there you may want to also look at. LIKE WHAT? LIKE WHAT OTHER OPTIONS? I don’t know. Like diets. And exercise. But the more I think about it, burning yourself alive is a pretty damned good way to almost instantly lose weight. BUT YOU DIE. YOU DIE IF YOU BURN YOURSELF TO DEATH? Yes. I guess. I mean, who knows, but I guess that would be correct. I’ve never tried it obviously, so I can’t say for certain. But I can say it would make a cool name for a diet plan. Something like Learn to Burn or Burn and Turn (into the person you want to become), or whatever. I need to work on it. OTHER BENEFITS OF LIGHTING YOURSELF AFLAME. It’s winter, so people need heat. Sometimes they turn up their thermostats or they light fires. You could go near those people and give them warmth. That would be nice for them. IS THERE A TRADITIONAL DIET AND EXERCISE PROGRAM TO USE THIS WINTER THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE BURNING YOURSELF ALIVE? Probably. But I’m kind of stuck on this idea now. Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at info@intergalacticbiz.com.  A chiseled chin, striking eyes, and six pack abs may be obvious female attractors, but did you know there are eleven other ways men can appear more desirable to the opposite sex? And that none of them require natural good looks or working out eight hours a day?
The Intergalactic Business Report uses science to outline seven things you can do today to seem far more interesting, sexy, and coveted. Try these quick tips and thank us later. 7 ways to seem more attractive to women. 1. Instead of combing your hair with a brush, try driving a $250,000 dollar sports car. 2. You may not like your nose and feel it’s either too small, too big, or crooked. Did you know your nose will look more symmetrical if you tilt your head slightly to the right as you flirt with a bank cashier when you deposit a 7.5 million dollar check? 3. If your shirt is buttoned all the way to the top, you may be seen as a nerd, but if you unbutton the top two buttons and tell your Yacht captain he can release the bikini models onto the deck, you will appear more refined and sophisticated. 4. French wine is difficult to pronounce, so instead of embarrassing yourself on a date, have a helipad installed on top of your penthouse apartment. Then, when you order and don’t say the name right, you can just pause and say, “I’m sorry, my voice is all fucked up from shouting to my servants from my helicopter. Just pick anything." 5. Bragging can be seen as a sign of insecurity. Science shows that wearing a $40,000 Swiss watch is a silent way to project confidence. 6. Studies show that most women despise a messy house. Therefore, make sure your maid cleans your mansion before you have females over. 7. Lean meats, fruits, and vegetables are the core ingredients of a healthful diet, which doesn’t matter if you’re insanely wealthy. So do that instead.  Do you dress up like Darth? You may want to stop... In its most extensive and far-reaching survey ever, the Intergalactic Business Report interviewed women to find out what their biggest turnoffs in a man are. Although a few survey participants listed things like “not offering to pay for dinner” and “not holding the door,” the vast majority named these eleven things over and over. We’ve listed them below.
The top eleven things women say are turnoffs in a partner. 1. He’s really into Darth Vader. But not just really into him. He’s really really into him. 2. His penis is attached to his face. 3. He openly admits to being a serial killer. 4. He flings poo. 5. He opens his mouth and flies come out. 6. He can’t go on a date unless you remove the roof of his house and use the “jaws of life” to extract him. 7. He penis slaps instead of shaking hands. 8. He hunts deer but just to have sex with them. Then he throws them back into the wild. 9. He makes a bong out of your purse. 10. His name is Phil Ratuliak. 11. He only speaks by turning around and pretending his butthole is talking. |
AboutInsights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders. Archives
July 2021
Categories |
RSS Feed