 Have a friend who says stuff? Be careful he/she’s not secretly insulting you. Next time you hear one of these backhanded compliments, beware… “You’re like a twenty wrapped in a one-dollar bill.” “You don’t smell as bad as my uncle who sleeps in his own shit.” “When you smile I forget all about your double chin for a half second.” “You remind me of that model whose face got crushed by farming equipment.” “You’re like a diamond. Your skin is shiny and I can’t tell where your mouth is.” “You work harder than anyone else at being you.” “I’d love to travel with you because your arms look big enough to carry my luggage.” “Your soulmate is out there somewhere. All you need to do is start visiting carnivals and group homes.” “You make me so wet when you talk like that… because you’re spitting all over my face.” “If they made me shoot my friends, I would sacrifice you third to last, because I’ve known Jerry, Stella, Ricky, Jose, Sunil, Barry, Laura, Jim, and some of those other guys longer than you. But you’d definitely be ahead of Randy and that one dude whose name I can’t remember, so I guess he isn’t my friend. O.K. let’s rewind. I’d shoot you first to last. Right after Randy.” “I’ve never met anyone like you because no two human beings are exactly the same.”  Following an exhaustive, multi-layered study involving scientific-social analysis, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals nine secrets that men never ever tell women. Here they are: “Even though I can aim my penis at the toilet, I choose to aim it at a wall or the floor because I don’t want to show off and make you feel bad that your vagina has no aim at all. When you find my pee all over the place and scold me, I know you secretly feel better about your vagina.” “I have no idea whether or not you pee through your vagina or something else, like a tube that’s connected to it. I don’t really care. I just go with the idea that you pee with your vagina.” “When you try to explain to me that you don’t pee with your vagina and that I don’t understand female anatomy, or whatever, it’s a real turn off. Next time, consider making me a ham sandwich and maybe being quiet for five minutes.” “If you bring me a cold beer while I’m watching a football game, I will fall in love with you all over again. Till the beer gets warm or I finish it. When that happens, my love will only be rekindled with another cold beer. And so on.” “I’m secretly glad that you count how many beers I have every night, because I’m trying to break a record, and after a while I’m too drunk to count anymore. That’s where you come in.” “My dream job would be sleeping in a race car bed next to a cooler of alcohol and a seventy-two-inch flat screen t.v. and I get up every morning to go to the mailbox where there’s a check for twenty-thousand dollars with a note attached that reads: Here’s this month’s check. Good job drinking and sleeping and watching t.v.” “Whenever you’re right about something, I just pretend I’m you during that portion of the argument. When you keep telling me about your rightness, you’re just talking to yourself.” “If I could pick up an apple with my butt cheeks I would do it. Shit. Now that I thought of that I have to try it.” “Becoming ‘mature’ ended when I grew hair on my balls. Nothing else has really changed since.”  Are you someone without anxiety? Do you play it cool, go with the flow, and have water drip off your back (huh?). Well, this is why you’re dumb. YOU: Flying is the safest form of travel. ANXIETY: Is it safer than not flying, staying home, locking yourself in your house, and not answering the door? YOU: If you worry all the time, you’ll never enjoy your life. ANXIETY: Enjoy your life, till you’re killed by that guy in the clown suit you weren’t worried about. YOU: Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad. ANXIETY: My girlfriend just revealed to me that she’s my uncle and the good news is she’s not a blood relative because my parents adopted me on a bet at a cocaine party. YOU: Fear isn’t real. It’s something in your mind. ANXIETY: Tell your mind not to be afraid while I release this bag of rats onto your face. YOU: The only thing to fear is fear itself. ANXIETY: I’m already terrified of fear, but thanks for letting me know you think that’s the number one fear I should have. I’ll move it up on my fucking list. YOU: Go to your high school reunion. What’s the worst that can happen? ANXIETY: I could show up and be voted “most weight gained since high school” just before the “Prom Killer” returns and murders me in the bathroom. YOU: Take a chance. You only live once. ANXIETY: Isn’t that the whole reason you DON’T take chances?  Stop saying Bjorn should die. Whether you work at a Fortune 500 company, a small business, or serve the public good, your organization faces the same challenges when it comes to self-defeating behaviors and negative thinking. Did you know that several common, harmless phrases you and your co-workers say all the time could be the root of your dysfunction? Today, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals the most dangerous phrases your organization uses daily. Stop using them and watch your team’s attitude and productiveness increase almost instantly. “We’ve always done it this way.” “Let’s kill everyone we disagree with.” “We need to be perfect.” “Bjorn's different. Let’s kill him.” “There’s only one way to do this.” “Look at Bjorn's stupid face. I think he needs to die.” “We know what we’re doing and don’t need outside advice.” “We should figure out a way to physically eliminate anyone who gives us advice we don’t agree with. And by ‘physically eliminate,’ we mean ‘kill.’” “Work-life balance isn’t necessary.” “Bjorn's life isn’t necessary. Let’s kill him.” “Have fun on vacation, but please respond to my texts and emails within an hour.” “Why hasn’t anyone killed Bjorn yet? Do I have to do everything myself? Legendary sports matchups. Who would win? You or a baby? We give you the definitive answer.10/11/2019  Even in its stroller, the baby will soon be overtaken by adults riding bikes. Hypothetical sports matchups can be frustrating, because they usually involve comparing legendary athletes and teams from different eras. Would the 1978 Steelers beat the 2018 Patriots? Would Mike Tyson defeat Joe Louis? Would your mom please stop calling me and offering oral sex? These are questions no one can answer for sure. Since the Intergalactic Business Report deals in fact and truth, we decided to calculate a matchup whose outcome we were sure 100% certain of. What would happen if you competed against a baby in a series of sports contests? We give you the answers below. CONTEST ONE: Walking. WINNER: YOU. WHY: We believe strongly that since most babies can’t walk, you, as a grown adult, would win outright. However, we also calculated for the rare baby who could walk or hold on to couches and tables to propel itself forward. Even in this scenario, we would give you the slight edge. CONTEST TWO: Hot dog eating. WINNER: YOU. WHY: In our contest, cut up hot dogs were not allowed. In order to win, you needed to eat entire hot dogs, with the bun and everything. Baby loses again, mostly because his parents won’t let him eat anything but baby food. CONTEST THREE: Shot Put. WINNER: YOU. WHY: Even though we assume you suck at this sport and don’t really know how to do it, we are confident that you could throw a heavy ball at least a couple of inches forward, whereas a baby would be unable to lift the object. Also, its parents, again, would hamper its efforts by finding the Shot Put ball too dangerous and therefore not allowing the baby to even show up for the event. CONTEST FOUR: Roller coaster riding. WINNER: YOU. WHY: Even if you’re scared of amusement park rides, you win this one just by showing up, since the baby is not tall enough to meet the entrance requirements. CONTEST FIVE: Bicycle racing. WINNER: YOU. WHY: Someone’s dad putting the baby in one of those trailer things is a disqualification, so unless that baby gets on a fucking bike by himself (with no assistance!) and pedals it with its tiny little legs, AND beats you in a two-mile race, then you win. Again. CONTEST SIX: Punt, pass, kick. WINNER: YOU. WHY: Just watch a baby try to get its hands around a football. It’s pathetic. They grip it with both hands and try to put it in their mouths. Your mouth isn’t going to throw a fucking football, baby! Go breast feed or something while the adult beats your ass in this matchup. CONTEST SEVEN: Haunted house scare contest. WINNER: YOU. WHY: People say this isn’t a sport but fuck you. In this battle, the baby stays home and doesn’t even show up because his parents say things like, “Why would I bring a baby to a haunted house?” and, “What’s the matter with you people?” Result: you win again. CONTEST EIGHT: Math problems. WINNER: YOU. WHY: Yeah, it’s a sport because there’s something called Mathletes. Look it up. And you are once more the victor because baby doesn’t know Math. Waaaah. Waaaah. Poor baby. Maybe you’ll learn this shit in fourth grade or something. But for now, you LOSE! CONTEST NINE: Not shitting your pants contest. WINNER: YOU. WHY: Even if you shit your pants once or twice a week, it’s better than a baby who shits its pants all the time. Ewwww. CONCLUSION: You are athletically superior to a baby in almost every way. Take your place on the stand to accept your medal while the baby gurgles, defeated, in its stroller.  After watching Jim Carrey, Buddhissh, self-help youtube videos for 47 straight hours, the IBR staff became convinced that the secret to success and happiness is simply losing all fear and asking the universe for what you want. We tried this and here are the results: OUR REQUEST: Please let me get up one morning where some stupid shit doesn’t happen that makes me want to punch a fucking wall. THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Your toothpaste tube is empty, except for that crusty shit on the top. Use that to brush your fucking teeth while I make your cat throw up on your floor. Wall’s right over there if you want to put your fist through it. OUR REQUEST: I want my novel published. THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Your rejection letter is in the mail, but it will get lost so you think for the next six months maybe your book is being seriously considered. OUR REQUEST: Make me attractive to women. THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Here’s some food poisoning during your first date in six months. OUR REQUEST: Let me know my dead mother is doing ok. Just give me a sign. THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Please read this letter you randomly found in an old book. It’s from your mother to some dude and it says that if only she didn’t have children she’d run away with him and be happy. OUR REQUEST: Help me lose weight. THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Your body now is configured so that if you eat a cracker you will gain seven pounds of pure fat. OUR REQUEST: I want that promotion at work. THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: You mean Phil’s promotion? OUR REQUEST: Could the traffic open up so that I can make a left turn here and finally make it to work on time, just once? THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Could you please just wait another hour as the cars are timed to make a continuous blockade you can never penetrate? OUR REQUEST: Let me win the lottery. THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: The winning ticket is at a Munchymart 50 miles away. Too bad you can’t drive there since your car was repossessed. OUR REQUEST: Could you tell Jim Carrey to fuck himself? THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Here’s another video of Jim Carrey telling you how successful he is because he can just wish for stuff and it comes true.  No one has deja vu. Except you. The universe is a horrifying place, and you live in it. Now be prepared to know its most unsettling but totally true secrets. 1. The state of Kentucky got its abbreviation because so many of its people use KY jelly. 2. You do have a soulmate, but it’s a spider creature from a forbidden galaxy and it would fucking eat you if it ever got close enough. 3. Thousands of years ago aliens came to Earth to take a quick dump. That’s what the pyramids are. 4. The Wizard of Oz was a documentary. 5. Your mom is having sex with Randy again. 6. Your dad is too. 7. You may as well start having sex with Randy because everyone else in your family is. 8. Pokémon is funded by space creatures who want to slowly introduce us to their fucked up culture before they finally invade. 9. There was a porn version made of the Beverly Hillbillies. Guess what they did with Jed’s nipple about 10 minutes in. 10. You can never take back or forget the time in middle school when you refused to talk to anyone for a week without doing it in a rap version. “Uh huhh…. Yeah…. Yeah….. Uh huhhh…. So, Mrs. Davis, you got a question for me…. I’ll try to answer it now. I love social studeeeees.” 11. If you grow up on the East Coast, there’s a 97% chance you will participate in a circle jerk at some point in your adolescence. That’s just some weird East Coast shit. 12. When you feel dizzy, it’s a brain insect trying to kill you. 13. Peanut butter is usually tested with someone’s penis before they put the seal on it. 14. Déjà vu is something only you have. Whenever you describe it, everyone just agrees because they think you’re crazy and might attack them. 15. The most likely explanation for your existence is that you’re a robot and every time you see the number 11 it means your creator is reprogramming you, probably to do something stupid for her amusement. 16. The closest you will ever come emotionally to another human being is if he walks in on you while you’re taking a dump and you lock eyes. 17. Cheetos, Fritos, Doritos… 18. Think of the one person in the world you respect the most. Now picture that person half-masturbating, half-dancing to “We don’t need to take our clothes off to have a good time” by Jermaine Stewart. Now who’s the new one person in the world you respect the most? And so on… 19. Every time you do anything, there’s a slightly better-looking, slightly smarter, and slightly more successful version of yourself doing the same thing, only slightly better.  Don't tell people their faces give you rabies. Let’s face it, people today are sensitive, and that means they often take your well-intentioned statements and twist them into something horrible in their minds. Even normal, polite compliments can be construed as insults, and you need to choose your words carefully. In what can only be described as a benevolent gift to you and humankind, the Intergalactic Business Report alerts you about the seven most common but unintentionally rude things you utter every day. If you want to keep your friends and charm your colleagues, stop saying these now: 1. “Fuck off, dick mouth.” 2. “Eat my fart. Please open your mouth to receive it.” 3. “You’re a beast. Like the kind that stinks and is hairy. Just to be clear, I didn’t mean that as a compliment in any way.” 4. “I find you so unattractive that the only way I would stick my dick in you is if that somehow would deactivate a bomb that was going to blow up planet Earth. And even then, I’d probably just say fuck it and let the world explode.” 5. “Sometimes I wish we would just get invaded by aliens so I could take my mind off how much you totally and absolutely suck.” 6. “I hate you. I hate you so much. I hate you so much I wish every day I could express that hate to you in a way you could truly understand. Because just saying I hate you doesn’t cover it.” 7. “Your face gives me rabies.”  Losing weight is tough and every new diet program inspires hope till you drop it and just start stuffing your burrito eater again. So why not look into these seven alternative weight loss schemes that are so underground, you haven’t heard of them yet. Beaver diet. You eat only greens and whatever beavers you can catch. Just saying you’re not fat. Here, you just deny you’re fat and tell people how much weight you’ve lost even as you gain obscene amounts of extra chins and cellulite. Fitness model hiring. This weight loss technique is where you hire a fitness model to assume your life. It’s expensive, but you basically stay at home and eat while giving your model instructions through an ear and video piece he/she carries around. Big presentation at work? The new you will look great as he repeats what you’re telling him. And if you want to amp it up a bit, have him do it shirtless. Liquid lunch diet. This classic diet from the 1920’s is making a comeback. All you do is drink till you pass out and therefore skip meals. Online transition weight loss. This allows you to play video games almost all day long, so it’s very popular with younger generations. Using an attachment to your gaming system (and your face), the weight loss program only allows you to eat virtual food that is dropped into your game by someone called the “snackman.” Munch munch. Eat as much of the virtual food as you like, but if you get up to get real food and detach the probe on your head, your virtual self is automatically demoted and has to start the game over. Reverse weight loss training. This is basically your excuse to gain as much weight as you want because you send out a text/email/post to everyone in your contact list that you are undergoing something called “reverse weight loss training” and that your appearance could be altered drastically in the next several months. Then you just show up places as fat as you want and nobody says anything. Fat shaming children’s posse. This is perhaps the most aggressive and psychologically damaging of the alternative weight loss programs. A group of kids follows you around and makes fun of your size until you either defeat them in combat or stop eating so much.  The phrase, “go with your gut” has taken on new importance in recent years as doctors, psychologists, and even adult movie stars* talk non-stop about gut health. According to them, your gut is responsible for your health, mood, and general well-being. And it also helps you make decisions. But stunning new counter-evidence unearthed by the Intergalactic Business Report may make you think twice about listening to your gut. In fact, “going with your gut” may be the last thing you do. Below we list the 7 most common pieces of bad advice your gut tells you. YOUR GUT SAYS: “This fake Uber driver isn’t going to murder you, because I’ll protect you.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “I grant you super powers to hang glide using your arms as wings.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “Have some guts and don’t wear that condom.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “Worshipping Satan is cool. Sign a contract in blood giving him your soul. Come on, do it.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “If you just have this last drink, everyone will finally like you.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “Eating a whole cake won’t make you fat. It’ll just make that cake gone.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “That guy with the weird face tattoos should be your new boyfriend.” *We assume. |
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