As part of our new "red light" insights section, the Intergalactic Business Report answers our readers' most sensitive and taboo questions about subjects like relationships, sex, and penis clamps. Today, we take on orgies, those awkward social events where if it goes really well, your shame exceeds your self-esteem and you may as well just get a face tattoo because your body is now what someone else wants to do with it. Your first time at an orgy can be challenging, so follow these tips for how to handle small talk with your new “fuck buddies.” You're welcome.
“So… Here we are….” “How about that Taco bar? Benny really went all out this time, huh?” “Were there more women here last time or is it just me?” “Can we have sex anywhere or are there like designated areas?” “Seriously, where are the women?” “Is it ok if I stretch?” “Hold up. This isn’t a gay orgy, right?” “Do they close the taco bar or is it open the whole time?” “Seriously, if this isn’t a gay orgy then why are there zero women here?” “I’m going back to the taco bar. You want anything?” “So, you’re saying the women are coming but we should just get started without them?” “You’re totally sure this is how it works?” Did you know it’s rude to say, “Here’s the thing” or “It is what it is” during a conversation? A recent CNBC online article focused on a public speaking expert who pointed out “rude” phrases used by “people with poor speech etiquette.” We were shocked to hear such common elements of conversation were actually insulting until we talked to our own public speaking expert, Lawrence DeGraf. Larry pointed out multiple other seemingly innocuous phrases used constantly at the Intergalactic Business Report office that in his “expert” opinion, are actually rude. We picked eight of them:
8 phrases you may use all the time but are actually incredibly rude and insulting, by Lawrence DeGraf. To say I’m a public speaking expert is probably a reach, since I’m really just a guy with an English degree who was hired a few months ago as an assistant editor at the Intergalactic Business Report. Before you ask the same question everyone else has, let me just say that no, I didn’t understand what this place was. And, no, I didn’t take the time to read anything they did. And, finally, no, I am not drunk or high. Unlike almost every person here around me. Anyway, I was just assigned the role as “public speaking expert” today because they wanted to do this article. Sometimes I’m the psychology expert or the animal expert or even the sexual relations expert, whatever that is. If you read the Intergalactic Business Report, you know there isn’t much “editing” involved and that we put things in quotes a lot. I can pretty much write anything and the editors will not read it. In a way that’s liberating. What I do appreciate about this assignment is that in our office there are a lot of phrases that are used incessantly by our staff, and they are not O.K., whether you understand public speaking or not. I feel this may be my opportunity to point out some of these and let someone, somewhere, understand that it is rude and insulting to say the following phrases—at work, at anywhere. 1. “Do I know you?” A lot of times, people here will just pretend they have no idea who you are even though you know they know who you are. It’s weird. It’s unsettling and disturbing. I guess my advice would be that instead of pretending you don’t know people, just acknowledge their existence? 2. “Yeah, that’s great. Can I borrow five dollars?” Should be obvious, but when you start off with a dismissive comment and then ask to borrow money, people will think you’re not really listening and only see them as a cash machine. Also obvious, don’t give these guys money. Just don’t. It’s like feeding squirrels. 3. “Hmmm. Hmmmm. Hmmmmmmmmm! HMMMMMMMMMMMMM!” This is what they do when they don’t have the energy or intellect (I’m guessing) to respond to a serious inquiry, so they just keep saying “hmmmm” louder and louder till you leave their office. It’s actually really effective if you want to totally dismiss someone and make them feel like they should never ever ask you for anything again. Ever. 4. “I will SLAP you with my dick, motherfucker! I will fucking slap you with my fucking dick!” People in our office sometimes use this phrase to establish dominance, I guess? It’s jarring because you could be just grabbing a cup of coffee or waving hello, and this is the response. Instead of saying this, I would recommend a simple, “Hello,” or “Nice to see you today.” 5. “I will go through your contact list and send pervy messages to everyone on it! Now take off your fucking shirt!” The first time I heard this one was during my interview, which was basically this, preceded by an initial request to take off my shirt. I would say this phrase is threatening and aggressive and also probably illegal, especially at work. Maybe try asking about past work experience and not demand anyone take off his clothing. (Yeah, I know. I accepted the job because I thought this was like performance art or something and they also offered me a million dollars a year, until I realized that was in gift certificates to Ruby Tuesdays and Toys R Us and you could only spend five dollars per week and if you wanted to spend more you needed to start taking your shirt off). 6. “Can you hold this gun for me?” Even if you really really think you have a good reason to ask someone to do this, there are a couple problems with this request. Number one, do you even have a permit for that thing? And, number two, why do you have an enormous, high caliber weapon in our office? Oh, also, why are you waving it around and asking people to take their shirts off? 7. “I made a poopy in your filing cabinet. Go check it out. I’ll wait.” Not sure what the reason is for the baby talk part of this, since the rest of it is clearly so offensive, and, as usual, probably illegal (I haven’t been named IBR’s “legal expert” yet, so I have no idea). Of course, don’t shit in a filing cabinet and ask people to go look at it. But I also want to mention that we don’t have any filing cabinets in our office, so what have you done? 8. “Could you hold this gun in my mouth so I can have an orgasm?” This should never be a part of any conversation, but you’d be surprised how many times it comes up in the IBR office. At first, I thought it was a very very fucked up joke but then when they stare at you and you can see they’re holding a pistol you start to realize they’re serious. If you wait long enough, they’ll explain more about why they NEED you to do it, and all I can say is don’t. Just don’t wait around for that. (Note, this is sometimes a follow up to number 6, above). Lawrence DeGraf is the sexual relations intern at the Intergalactic Business Report. He can be reached at [email protected]. It can’t talk, but if it could, what would your butthole tell you? We go deep inside to give you the answer to one of our readers’ most asked questions. We found seven things your poop shoot would say if only it could speak words:
1. Hey dude, clean this shit! I don’t have hands. 2. Hellooooooooooooooo. It echoes here. 3. Time to take a shit. 4. Time to take a shit! 5. Time. To. Take. A. Shit. 6. I just shitted. 7. Go back to number one on this list. Even though it’s not close to Mother’s Day, the Intergalactic Business Report has become obsessed* with memes, Reelz, and insta stories about mothers. Yes, a lot of it has been about MILFs. But recently, we also came across a stunning tribute to motherhood in which a maudlin memer showed Christiano Ronaldo and his mom and then posed seven questions that everyone should ask his mother before she either dies, becomes incomprehensible, or just starts making shit up.
As we cry about our moms, we pose our own seven questions, which we hope will be included in this meme engine’s next tearjerker. Seven questions you need to ask your mom before she’s dead, speaks gibberish, or just lies to you out of spite or senility. 1. When I was a baby did you, as a woman, also think my dick looked “weird”? 2. If we weren’t related, would you still call me a “handsome young man” and what would be the implications/your next move? 3. I saw dad’s dick once, and it was weird. Is his dick the same as mine? I mean, not the same, obviously, because that would mean my dick would be in a grave with him, in his pants. I think you understand what I’m asking. 4. Who was that guy who was always in your bed when dad was on business trips? 5. Did that guy have a weird dick? Is that your thing? 6. Let’s get this cleared up just in case you don’t understand. When I say “weird” I mean the shape of a shillelagh and multi-colored as if every race on Earth was represented—even ones that don’t exist any longer, like hobbit creatures. 7. In case you’ve forgotten, can I just show you my dick so that you understand what I’m talking about? It looks weird, right? *We saw something on Instagram and were like, huh. One of the underrated benefits of the internet is the consistent messages about how you may already have dementia and if you don’t you’re going to have it soon. Online scribes do their sacred duty to humanity by informing us of early warning signs, issuing us tests, and displaying renderings of someone holding his back with the caption, “This early sign of Alzheimer’s may not be what you think.”
As we experience cognitive decline, it is comforting that there are people who make their livings by jolting us into the reality that at some point we will all be drooling vegetables who shit our pants. As we thank and celebrate these harbingers of doom, the Intergalactic Business Report also points to new research that indicates Alzheimer’s may not be as bad as we believe. Stunning new findings have shown a distinct “upside” of dementia, which may give us all more comfort in our coming demise. Below we share a few of the findings that we think might change the way you think before you are unable to think at all. 9 reasons Alzheimer’s may be a good thing. 1. That time you accidentally called your teacher “mom” in front of your math class in high school? Gone. 2. You will in no way recall the ad where the guy is holding his back and it says, “this early sign of Alzheimer’s may not be what you think.” In fact, you won’t even know what a guy or a back is. 3. When you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t stop thinking about that thing you said to whoever 10 years ago? With the magic of dementia, you won’t think about anything you said to anyone any years ago. 4. Forget your wife’s birthday or your anniversary? You forget everything now and no one will blame you. 5. Assholes who use the term “forget me nots” have no use for you. 6. “Memories. Like the corners of my mind.” That song sucks. 7. You’re overweight? You look like shit? You’re bald? You’re stupid? All of this doesn’t matter anymore. 8. Wiping your own ass? Over. 9. For Mafia member only: When your pal tells you to “fuhget about it”, you actually will. Any woman who’s been to the gym in the past fifty years has endured her share of unwanted ogling, objectification, and distant, longing, horny vibes from men we now refer to as “gym creeps.” Thanks to social media, some brave females have exposed these cads by publicly shaming their silent but sinister behavior for all to see.
Video clips across the twitter- and insta-verses show example after example of miscreants in boner pants who stare down women as they are filming themselves doing squat thrusts. In solidarity with gym-bound women everywhere, the Intergalactic Business Report digs deep into the phenomena of “quiet, inside your own head, thought fantasies” that women can now translate, interpret, and expose. What we found is shocking because it isn’t just happening in workout spots where people wear tight clothing and shape their bodies so they’re more physically attractive to nobody except themselves because they don’t want the attention. Gym creeping has moved everywhere. And no one may be safe. Below we outline the new ways men are peeping at women. 8 new “creeps” all women should look out for. 1. Beach creeps. You’re excited to wear your new thong bikini to the beach, but you look over and see a creep, nervously adjusting his gaze and pretending he wasn’t looking at you when you stare lasers at him. Remember that although the beach seems like a private area where people shouldn’t view others without their permission, it is actually a public place where no laws are in place to prevent pervs from noticing you. 2. Grocery store creeps. Supermarkets, once a sanctuary for women to peruse groceries without the leering gaze of perverts, are now prime viewing areas for creeps. When you are filming yourself handling cucumbers in the grocery store, and you put one in your mouth, just to see what the outer layer tastes like, clear the area first of creepy dudes. Also, avoid picking up two melons and holding them in front of your chest and filming yourself saying, “Look at these juicy melons!” until the store is empty, or all men have been evacuated. 3. Wet tee-shirt contest creeps. These disgusting freaks show up at wet tee-shirt contests with the sole intention of seeing if water applied to a cotton shirt can expose an outline of your nipples. 4. Orgy creeps. Just because you’re at an orgy doesn’t mean you want to be objectified by every man at the taco bar. 5. Nude photographer creeps. These insipid trolls have one simple job: to take naked pictures of you. But how can you enjoy the moment, when they’re staring at you, through their camera, in order to, they say, “focus” and “get a good shot” because, “that’s what you paid them to do.” 6. Public yoga creeps. You’re in the public park in a major city and you pull out a yoga mat and just want to do some poses. As you stretch in your tighter than skin outfit, there’s a dude, in the distance, who has to be looking at you doing it. Nope, that’s a tree. You’re safe this time. 7. Web cam creeps. This breed of creep tunes into your live Web cam show where you just want to talk and maybe make new friends while lying on your bed when he starts making sexual suggestions. Serial killer much? Hang up and keep going till you find someone who likes you for you. 8. Only fans creeps. Similar to Web cam creeps, these degenerates pay a subscription to look at pictures of you in bathing suits, lingerie, and doing all kinds of nasty shit that should be private. After the Wisconsin State Fair issued an apology for displaying a cow with a racist name, the intergalactic Business Report has issued guidelines to assist farmers in naming their animals. We hope in the future they will follow these before giving names to animals who will be on display. We feel strongly these guidelines can also apply to family pets and children.
Before you name your public display animal, we strongly suggest the following: 1. When you think of a name for your animal, pick one that isn’t also a term that would put your life in danger if you said it around an ethnic or racial group that hates that name so much they may harm you. 2. Never have painful sex and proclaim that the next word out of your mouth is going to be the name of your animal. 3. Don’t employ a name consultant you suspect may have been time-jumped from 1863 Mississippi. 4. Avoid the “old book of racist slurs” as a source for picking your animal’s name. 5. Instead of calling the mafia and asking them what they call a group of people who aren’t Italian and then use the singular form of whatever that is, just choose “Frank” for male and “Suzanne Emannuele Jesper Rotizziee” for female. 6. Turn on almost any children’s show (except one from the 1940’s maybe) and just name your animal whatever the main character’s name is. Dora. Bluey. Steven. Whatever. 7. If you want to express how small or large your animal is and choose a prefix like “big” or “little” before the name, don’t follow it with a racial, religious, ethnic, or homophobic slur. 8. Don’t think of well-known, offensive terms and see if they rhyme with regular names and tell yourself that you’ll just call your pet/animal/child the regular name but always know what the real “secret” name is and maybe call it/she/him/them that just at home and hope you don’t slip in public, like at a playground or museum or something. 9. Don’t pick the name Guido. Think you’re being supportive and engaging? Think again. You may have alienated everyone in the room.Whether you’re a first-time manager or a seasoned CEO, you need to be careful what you say to your team and how you say it. Some of us have learned the hard way that even when we think we’re communicating effectively, we may be inadvertently sending the wrong message.
To aid you in your conference room pronouncements, the Intergalactic Business Report presents you with six common boss-to-employee phrases you may not realize are toxic. COMMON PHRASE ONE: “That was a missed opportunity, Brian.” WHY IT’S TOXIC: This is a passive aggressive way of blaming someone and criticizes him for something he can no longer correct. A “missed opportunity” is something that is gone forever and doesn’t serve as a productive message for an employee to improve. SAY THIS INSTEAD: “Good work, Brian. I have an idea for how next time you could make it even better. Do you want to hear?” COMMON PHRASE TWO: “Did you just make eye contact with me, Brian? You know that’s not acceptable. Unless you're challenging me to a fight?” WHY IT’S TOXIC. Making eye contact with your boss should probably not be grounds for fighting. Especially if you have never warned your employees about this rule. SAY THIS INSTEAD: “Brian? I notice you are making eye contact with me. I appreciate that you are trying to connect and show you are listening, but in the future, please look down or look away in our interactions. Otherwise, I may become violent.” COMMON PHRASE THREE: “Everyone here knows Brian will fuck a watermelon if you leave him alone in a room with one.” WHY IT’S TOXIC. You don’t know Brian’s sexual habits or appetites and even if you did, it would not be appropriate to talk about this in front of a group of his co-workers. SAY THIS INSTEAD: “Brian? Can you please meet me in the other room so we can talk about how you fuck watermelons?” COMMON PHRASE FOUR: “I think this is the fourth or fifth time I’ve noticed Brian just sitting over there with his thumb up his ass like he’s just waiting for this meeting to end so he can pull it out and taste it.” WHY IT’S TOXIC. Brian’s thumb is none of your business. If he wants to put it up his ass and sit there like a fucking clown all meeting, just let him do it. You’ll get your revenge on him. It’s just a matter of time. SAY THIS INSTEAD: “Hey Brian! I know what you’re doing. Not going to say anything. But I know.” (Then just pantomime to the group something where you put your thumb up your ass and then pull it out and taste it). COMMON PHRASE FIVE: “Brian is fired for being a buttfucker. Not in the gay way though.” WHY IT’S TOXIC. This is a tricky one because you did a good job distinguishing firing Brian for being a colloquial buttfucker versus something homophobic. This will protect you legally. Still, you don’t want to risk any misunderstanding so tone it down a bit. SAY THIS INSTEAD: “I would like to announce to the group that Brian is not being fired for buggery of any kind. He is, however, being fired for being a fucking buttfucker.” COMMON PHRASE SIX: “Brian sucks monkey dicks.” WHY IT’S TOXIC. Brian does suck monkey dicks, and that’s what makes this one tough. He is such a monkey dick sucker and yet you need to hold back and not tell everyone that this is what Brian does. Sometimes in life, you just have to sit there and watch some monkey dick sucker act like he doesn’t suck monkey dicks. SAY THIS INSTEAD: “Brian sucks monkey cocks.” Stand your ground. We guess. According to Harvard researchers, asking people “how are you” is shallow, vacant, and meaningless. If you want to make a real connection during small talk, they suggest you say things like, “What’s your current state of mind?” or “You remind me of a celebrity, but I can’t remember which one—who’s someone you relate to?”
The idea is that people are eager to be accosted in elevators by other people who ask them deep, probing, and personal questions, or, even better, start telling them personal stories about their lives, hopes, and upcoming family events. Seriously. That’s what they want. The Intergalactic Business Report sees this study as a wakeup call for all of us to stop giving strangers an easy out where they can simply respond with, “Great. You?” and instead corner them into conversations about what celebrity they look like. We applaud Harvard and their uncomfortably friendly researchers and offer some additional questions for elevated small talk. Next time you see someone new, ask them: 1. “Wanna guess how many things I have hiding in my butt?” 2. “Can you help me put something in my butt? I’m having trouble reaching it.” 3. “Nice arms. They look like they’d be helpful in putting things up people’s butts. Am I right?” 4. “This elevator ride is just long enough for me to put one more item in my butt. Do you have anything that would fit?” 5. “You remind me of a celebrity who puts things in his butt, but I can’t remember which one—who’s someone you put things into butts with?” 6. “What’s your current capacity for stuff to put in your butt?” 7. “Your shirt reminds me of putting stuff in my butt. Where did you get it? From my butt? Just kidding? Where did you get it? Up My Butt World? Just kidding. May I please have your shirt?” 8. “In your opinion what’s more difficult? Putting things in your butt or taking them out?” 9. “Looks like I hit all the buttons on the elevator again. Would you like to see what’s in my butt?” 10. “What are you looking forward to fitting in your butt this week?” NUMBER 1.
Your ability to read simple sentences becomes clouded by repetition as if your ability to read simple sentences is like reading them over and over by repetition as if your ability to read simple sentences becomes clouded by repetition. NUMBER 2. You see a clickbait article on the signs of early dementia, and you dementedly click on it because you want to find out why “number three” on the list of signs is so scary. NUMBER 4. You click on an article and then forget why you were reading it because you have zero interest in market research about pet fashion. NUMBER 5. Dog fashion is a six-billion-dollar industry and in the coming years is projected to be an even bigger part of pet owners’ lives. Brands like Doggy Curl and Whiskaways currently dominate the Dog and Cat categories but newcomers Big Earl and Duke have enjoyed market share growth each year since 2017. The outlook for 2023 remains strong as pet owners are forecasted to continue spending at similar rates to 2022. NUMBER 6. Put your pants on. NUMBER 7. Pants. Something about pants. And… Who was that one guy you went to high school with? He was best friends with your best friend and his name was something with a “C” like Curtis or Charles. Why the fuck can’t you remember? Also, who’s the guy on Family Ties who was friends with Alex? What the fuck was his name? Was his name Curtis? Jesus. NUMBER 8. After reading dumb article after dumb online article, you realize that losing your mind doesn’t really even matter anymore because if you didn’t you’d just be spending your time reading dumb articles like this and is that really even a life? Like, what is there to remember that’s even worth remembering? The fake signs of cancer that are also things everybody has all the time but you still click on the link because they have a picture of someone holding his back and you sometimes hold your back so maybe you have cancer? If you think about it, not having a mind anymore would be almost the same as having one only instead of your head being filled with useless shit, it would just be empty. Shit. It was Charles Lewis. Fucking Charles Lewis. Oh man. Skippy. Skippy Handelman. Jesus. |
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