Researchers find that wearing a mask makes you more attractive. The seven surprising reasons why.2/21/2022  Just as mask mandates are beginning to lift around the country, a new study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that wearing a mask can contribute greatly to how attractive you appear to others. In fact, masking makes you 70-100 times more desirable to others than when you wear nothing at all on your face.
While there are many reasons why this is true, we take the top seven and share them with you today. 7 reasons wearing a mask makes you more attractive: 1. When you wear a mask, people can’t see your entire face, the wholeness of which presents a full, nothing-left-to-the-imagination image of what you actually look like. 2. Prominent features, such as your nose, lips, chin, and mouth are covered. Those are probably your worst features, so viewers are left with your eyes, which are just meh, but way better than those other things. 3. Your breath. It just stays in there. That’s good for everyone. That’s good for the environment. 4. You’ve heard the term “Horror Show” and wondered what that is. It’s when people see your face without a mask on it. 5. There’s a reason why “just the tip” is amenable to people. Seeing your entire face is like saying, “take the whole nasty thing.” 6. In Beauty and the Beast, Beauty has sex with a monster. But it takes a while for her to get there. Not wearing a mask is like the Beast just showing up and whipping out his animal penis and doing a freestyle rap that never gets off the ground and he just keeps saying, “Uh huh… Uh huh… Yeah…”* 7. Wearing a mask makes you mysterious. Like maybe that dude with the mask on is super attractive underneath and can make all my dreams come true. And when it comes off, it’s like, Oh, that guy looks like my dad’s friend. I think it is my dad’s friend. Why is he at a college party talking to 19 year old girls? *We have no idea what the plot of Beauty and the Beast is other than a princess has sex with a gigantic monster.  Guest columnist Emil Sworscher shares scientifically sound* information about how to deal with a narcissist in a way that will forever end their reign of terror over you and everyone they touch.
If you’ve read articles about narcissism, you know that narcissists are a tricky lot who are master manipulators and geniuses when it comes to gaslighting and taking advantage of people who come into their lives. If you’ve ever dealt with one, you understand how frustrating it can be, as they will try to isolate and control you and make you look like a fool to others. You find yourself asking, “Am I the crazy one?” And that’s exactly what the narcissist wants. After years of contending with people with this psychological disorder, I’ve come up with an ironclad way of defeating narcissists and ridding them from my life forever. I call this method, “The seven steps to destroy a narcissist” and I’ve outlined them below. STEP ONE TO DEFEAT A NARCISSSIST: Don’t let on that you know they’re a narcissist. This is very important because if you call them out as being a narcissist, they will very likely turn that around on you and start calling you a narcissist and telling everyone you know that you are mentally unstable and obsessed with yourself. To avoid this, trick them by telling people what a great person the narcissist is. “Wait a second,” you’re saying. “I don’t want to say the narcissist is a great person! He’s a terrible person!” I know, I know. But if you let him know you know that, it could lead to trouble. Just follow this first step and keep going with me on this. STEP TWO TO DEFEAT A NARCISSSIST: A narcissist is always looking for adoration and compliments. To throw him off your trail, start complimenting him about everything. “Hold on,” you say. “If I compliment him, doesn’t that mean I’m giving him exactly what he wants?” Yes, but only temporarily. Just go ahead and say things like, “You’re the best,” and “Nobody’s smarter than you.” Make sure you say this sincerely and without a hint of sarcasm. In fact, try to pretend that the narcissist is actually all those wonderful things and really believe it when you say it. This will make your words appear authentic and real. And he’ll eat it up, leaving him vulnerable to step three. STEP THREE TO DEFEAT A NARCISSSIST: Now that the narcissist thinks you actually think he’s the greatest thing ever, up your game by covertly entering his “inner circle” as one of his loyal, subservient subjects. Tell the narcissist you’ll do anything for him and that you’ll essentially be his slave, if that’s what it takes to please him. “Woah,” you’re screaming. “I don’t want to be this guy’s slave! How’s that possibly going to help me destroy him?” My answer is simple. You destroy someone most effectively from within, not without. STEP FOUR TO DEFEAT A NARCISSSIST: If you’ve followed the first three steps, the narcissist is probably happily believing he’s abusing you as you cater to his every whim and desire (including, in some cases, having weird sex with him). As terrible and mistreated as you feel, you have to concentrate on the end game and that is total destruction of the narcissist. This is by far the hardest step in the process because here you feel absolute hopelessness. “Seriously…” you’re whining, “I have to sleep with him too?” Do whatever he wants or he’ll be on to your plot to expose and demolish him. Just do it and move on to step five. STEP FIVE TO DEFEAT A NARCISSSIST: If you’ve gone through all the previous steps, you are finally ready to start exposing the narcissist for who he is. All your friends or business associates probably know you by now as the servile little runt who follows the narcissist around and does anything he wants while he just kind of shits on you and laughs. This can be really hard for your self-esteem, but at least the narcissist has no idea that you’re onto him and plotting his demise. In this stage, he might ask you to do something demeaning to prove your “loyalty” to him. And this is where you start to turn things around on him. But first, you do whatever that demeaning thing is, just so he doesn’t suspect anything. STEP SIX TO DEFEAT A NARCISSSIST: As hard as it is to believe, in step six, you’re finally back in control. It may not seem that way because the narcissist has made sure your existence is nothing more than constantly complimenting him and carrying out menial tasks for which you receive zero recognition except that you did a shitty job cleaning his car or whatever. But it is now that the narcissist is the most vulnerable. He sees you as a literal piece of shit and he is blinded by that view of you as a less than human object that is insignificant and came out of a dog’s butt or something. STEP SEVEN TO DEFEAT A NARCISSSIST: You made it to step seven. You should be proud. You’ve gone from being someone totally outside the narcissist’s world with no chance of defeating him, to what I call a mighty “narcissist fighter.” Keep the fight going by continuing to not let the narcissist be aware that you know he is an evil psychopath, because if your identity as a narcissist fighter is ever revealed, you could incur the narcissist’s wrath (which would totally suck). “Wait,” you’re saying. “So I did all this and totally demeaned myself? I gave into whatever the narcissist’s demands were and I did everything he wanted, and in the end my only option is to just keep doing that, only more?” I know. I know. Hold up. Crap. Alvin’s calling and he’s questioning my loyalty because I didn’t wax his fucking car right. Guess I’m gonna need to buy him an expensive gift again to prove my commitment. *Sound is what you hear when a noise is made. Not sure what it means in this context. Emil Sworscher is not a psychologist nor does he have any psychological training or education (not even something like taking Psych 101 in college, because he thought he was going to be a music major and that sure as shit didn’t work out because he’s doing this). If you’d like to send him comments, please email him at info@intergalactibiz.com  A recent Buzzfeed article took on the daunting task of going to Reddit and seeing what some dude posted and how people responded and then re-posting that as an article. We thought that was great, so we took the same question and asked readers of the Intergalactic Business Report, “What is an adult problem nobody prepared you for?” The answers below are worthy of a Buzzfeed reprinting if we say so ourselves.
“What is an adult problem nobody prepared you for?” 1. “No diapers. When you’re a baby, you have diapers, and you can just take a shit or whatever when you feel like it. Then someone else cleans it up. As an adult, I never imagined I would need to figure out how the hell to poop and pee in a way that wasn’t straight into my pants.” 2. “Washing my body. Nobody ever explains to you that, as an adult, if you don’t clean yourself, no one else is going to do it for you. I found out the hard way that after about three months, you smell like shit and you’re like, why do I smell like shit? Answer: You gotta clean yoself, bro. Probably the weirdest lesson I’ve ever learned.” 3. “Your face and body change. I wish someone had told me that when you get older you don’t look the same as when you’re a baby or a little child. It took me a long time to figure this out because at first I thought I’d been body-switched by a witch who wanted me to look like a fat, ugly, piece of shit-looking adult. Turns out that piece of shit-looking dude is me.” 4. “Money. What the fuck is that? The first time I went to a grocery store by myself, I just grabbed shit off the shelves and threw it in my cart. Then some guy told me I needed to ‘pay’ for it. Pay? For ‘it’? What the fuck?” 5. “Your penis gets large. Then it gets small again. Then it gets large. At least larger than my baby penis anyway.” 6. “Screaming is totally different. I used to scream all the time and people would come help me or calm me down. Now I walk near a subway platform and do it and everyone clears out like the opposite of what they want to do is help me.” 7. “Mommy and Daddy get old and aren’t worth shit to you. At some point, your parents stop feeding you and expect you to do stuff like work and go to school and make decisions for yourself, rendering them totally useless.”  Keanu eats a cupcake on his birthday and then gives a zillion dollars to sick children. That’s a typical report on how awesome the John Wick actor is. Search for apocryphal stories about Reeves on the internet and you’ll find accounts of him helping random strangers, riding the subway like a regular dude, and engaging in countless acts of kindness.
The Intergalactic Business Report is a serious publication. Did you hear that, dad? Anyway, we decided to look deeper into the reality of Keanu Reeves and what we found is that he’s even better than anyone ever thought and much much better than other celebrities, like, for instance, Ryan Reynolds or whatever. Don’t believe that’s even possible? Read what we found. KEANU STORY: Kitten colony. Several years ago, Reeves noticed that stray cats in Venice, Italy were overwhelming the city and reproducing at rates that left them starving and desperate. To counter this, he established a cat colony on an island off the coast of West Africa to care for the animals and loosen the burden on the ancient city. OTHER CELEBRITY COMPARISON STORY: Fuck those cats. Prior to Keanu’s cat effort, actor Ryan Reynolds visited Venice and saw all the cats running around. “Fuck those cats,” he purportedly said. KEANU STORY: Alien invasion thwarted. Although the year this occurred is still in question, several members of the scientific community** confirm that an alien plan to conquer Earth was ended when a vanguard spacecraft landed near Keanu’s California home. Reeves heard some noises and approached the craft in his back yard. The space invaders, believing Reeves was the leader of our world, quickly de-escalated their plans, even saying, “No way are we going to ruin a place where someone so kind and nice and incredibly cool exists.” They left, never to return, but not before making Keanu an honorary alien leader and protector of our planet. OTHER CELEBRITY COMPARISON STORY: Drunk alien challenge. Nearby, actor Ryan Reynolds sat in his backyard, drunkenly drinking his Aviator gin, and screaming to the heavens that he challenges all space aliens to war. Thank goodness, the armada’s scout landed in Keanu Reeve’s back yard instead. Otherwise, Reynolds would have fucked our planet (again). KEANU STORY: COVID cure. Urban legend has it that Keanu’s touch may cure COVID-19, but even Keanu Reeve’s isn’t capable of such Jesus-like acts. Insiders close to Reeves, however, confirm that he is able to confront the virus and it dissolves instantly when it realizes how awesome Keanu is. This interaction, unlike a simple touch, takes thirty seconds and makes it impossible, unfortunately, for Reeves to effectively cure everyone in the world in a timely manner. COMPARISON CELEBRITY STORY: Pissed off Coronavirus decides to stick around. Many scientists*** are now saying that Covid would have died off last year, but then it saw actor Ryan Reynolds and decided to stay. *This isn’t written by AI, so this is real people. Right? **Ed Mountaineer. ***Ed Mountaineer. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at ed@intergalacticbiz.com. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  Look around you and you may see hidden, enculturated misogyny that you’ve grown to accept without question. The simplest, most benign custom or saying may actually be steeped in female oppression. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report goes deep inside to hear what women readers are moaning about this week. Turns out, they have some pretty compelling examples of internalized misogyny that they need to unlearn today. We share them below:
“Constantly believing that my vagina was made by a man in a factory who controls my reproductive and sex functions by cranking a creepy old machine that gets me horny when it hits two killigometers per victriol.” “That when the dude at the checkout counter at the grocery can ask me if I ‘found everything’ he’s actually asking me if I want to blow him.” “My dad used to say, ‘good job’ to me when I would do something ‘good.’ I now see he was training me to be compliant by complimenting an accomplishment instead of saying he was proud of me for being a woman.” “I got my hair done the other day and it hit me that the only reason I do it is to try to look ‘hot’ and ‘stylish.’ From now on I’m going to cut my own hair and look ‘nasty’ and ‘fucked up.’” “I never smoked crack because people would always make jokes about ‘crack whores.” I asked myself why you never hear a joke about guys on crack who have sex for money. So, now I smoke crack.” “That the phrase, ‘suck my dick’ actually means, ‘Put my penis in your mouth and then suck my penis.’ I never realized that.” “Once in a while I see a woman helping a lost child find her mother and I ask myself, ‘why isn’t a man helping that poor kid,’ and then I think, ‘Oh, because everyone would think he’s trying to abduct her.’” “Walmart, Costco, Home Depot. It’s like male dominated society wants you to buy tools, groceries, and watch someone shit his pants in the checkout line. If women ran things, everything would smell like Febreze when you watched someone shit his pants in the checkout line.” “That when men call me ‘crazy’ they’re just trying to get me to feel guilty about shooting a gun at my ex-boyfriend’s car while he’s inside it begging for his life.” “Just because I’m wearing a provocative outfit and dancing doesn’t mean I want a man to ogle me, unless he wants to shove hundred-dollar bills into my coochie pants.”  Canine communication with humans is a complicated system, developed over thousands of years. In the early days of dog to person relationships, wolves had but a few primitive tools by which to express themselves. But today’s dogs use tone, facial movement, and body language to tell us what they need and want.
Dog experts have recently shared advanced data with the Intergalactic Business Report that defines what Fido is actually telling you when he barks, whimpers, or extends his paw. You may not even know when your dog is in distress. Below read the seven ways your dog begs you for help. The seven ways your dog begs you for help. 1. “You such a nice person. Wondering if you can help me out with a problem. My furry paws can’t reach dat steak on dat table over der. So, use yer hands to do it for me. Give me dat. Seriously. Give it to me. Come on. Do it. Jesus christ. You such a dick.” 2. “Hey der… See dat chicken yer eating? Give it to me. Do it. Give it to me. Jesus. You fucking suck.” 3. “Hello… Nice day out here. Why don’t you give me dat fucking treat you give me when I do something good. Give it. Only don’t make me do a stupid trick. Jesus. You such a fucking asshole.” 4. “Oh my… I’m a little doggy. Now give me yer chicken bone before I jump up and take it from yer stanky fingers. No? I might do it. You don’t know what I’m thinking. You don’t know how lucky you just got.” 5. “Hi mister… Having a little trouble today. Can you pleze open dat refrigerator and lemme see if I left my wallet in der? Oh, I don’t have a wallet cuz Ima dog? Go fuck yerself den.” 6. “See me over here just lying around like I got nothin to do? Dat’s cuz Imma dog and my whole day is just lounging around and waiting for you to spill some potato chips or something so I can eat it off da floor. So, help me out and spill some out of yer fat mouth fer me?” 7. “Tanks for filling up my doggie bowl… Wit dat crap food you only give me. So… Heerza idea. Why don’t you give me a lil piece of dat sandwich you eating? Pleaze? I beggin for it. Look at me. I doing the funny eyes dat make you feel bad. Now give me da sandwich… Yeah. Dat right. Hand me da fucking sandwish. Real good. Real good.” Eight simple ways you can make yourself look more attractive. Use these tricks to instantly be hot.10/22/2021  Eight tricks to become instantly attractive.
1. Have the type of face where people look at it and say, “Woah, that person is really attractive.” 2. Start not looking like the kind of person who most people wouldn’t have sex with even for a lot of money or on a dare where someone says there’s no way you’ll fuck that dude and the person does it because she’s crazy and that’s her trigger to do self-destructive shit. 3. Seek out currently hypnotized people and tell them when they wake up they’ll think the first person they see is super attractive. Then snap your fingers and try to be right in their face when they come to. 4. Your nose. 5. Put your hands over your face like you’re experiencing a tragedy. When people ask what’s wrong, tell them you’re overwhelmed by how attractive you are. 6. Be hotter by making others around you not hot by comparison. For example, stand next to someone and smear poo on him. Then quickly put your poo hand in your pocket so it’s not visible. Now it’s between you and how you look and the other person who has shit all over his face. 7. Start an exclusive program that sounds too good to be true and features you becoming instantly attractive and everyone has to say, “Woah, how did that happen?” And you’re just like, “Yeah, pay for my exclusive program and find out how.” With this one you not only become instantly more attractive, you also might get rich. Bonus. 8. Instead of being conventionally ugly, rebrand yourself as unconventionally attractive.  Readers are angry. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report shares their comments when asked the question, “What really pisses you off about life?”
“When you have to call your doctor ‘Doctor,’ but he calls you by your first name.” —Jeff Mansbury, Crete Station New York. “When you create fire for the first time and everyone’s just standing there like ‘what the fuck is that?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer. “When restaurants want a tip for picking up carryout.” —Brenda Entwhistle, Normandy Utah. “When you dress up like a clown for a job interview and they’re like, ‘why are you dressed like that?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer. “When celebrities who live in huge mansions take up causes to help poor people.” —Barry Sumner, Los Altos Creek, California. “When you scream your order at the restaurant and the waiter’s like, ‘why are you screaming?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer. “When American companies use cheap foreign labor in sweatshops abroad.” —Perry Clark-Winstead, Fornton New Jersey. “When you enter a mall store and everyone’s like, ‘is that guy playing with himself in front of the Footlocker display?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer. “When people are fat and other people are starving.” —Stella Peabody, Langstead Virginia. “When you try to live in a tree and people are like, ‘why is that guy in my backyard playing with himself in my tree and trying to look in my window?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer. “When justice is reserved for the wealthy.” —Patricia Moody, West Orange Georgia. “When you forget where your penis is and you finally find it and everybody’s like, ‘why is that guy whacking off in front of that Footlocker display?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer.  Afraid people might think you’re poor, uneducated, or super uneducated? Turns out people can figure out your social class based on the first words that come out of your mouth.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report follows science by releasing a fascinating new study* proving this out. If you use any of these sentences to open a conversation, you have given away your social class. “Do you have any Grey Poupon?” “I live under that rock over there and I just came out to try to steal from you.” “GRRRRR, ARGGHHHHH….. Boobies!” “Me have first grade education—is pleasure to meat you.” “Are you one of my servants because it’s hard for me to remember when you have as many servants as I do.” “Mah pet Beaver chewed mah balls off, what’s yer name?” “Does this jar say ‘Penis Butter’ cause I can’t read it right.” “Pardon me, rube, but can you break a thousand-dollar bill—haw haw haw, huzzah!” *If you’re not sure what a “study” is, it’s a thing where after it’s done, people can say, “there was this study done where,” and then they just say whatever. Also it’s science.  The month of August has been named “Drunk People Awareness Month” by the Intergalactic Business Report. The decision came following years of negative perceptions of inebriated men and women who, because of their lifestyle choices, have been portrayed as stupid and unreliable in television and films and generally regarded as less than fully-functioning, sober citizens.
This August, we hope to challenge those perceptions by sharing positive stories and insights about the amazing drunk people we call friends, family, and that guy walking over there who looks like he’s going to, yeah, he’s going to walk into that wall. We kick off the month with some quick facts about drunks you may not know. DRUNK PEOPLE FACT ONE: Drunk people are more capable and willing to show love than sober people. Drunks are able to fall in love with people they met earlier that evening and in some cases even marry them the next morning after drinking all night. Sober people find it almost impossible to stare at their friends and co-workers and say, “Lissen… Lissen… Lemme tell you somethin… I love you… I seriously love you…” and then repeat that forty-seven more times. DRUNK PEOPLE FACT TWO: Drunk people are passionate about their opinions and politics. They don’t shy away from having a breakthrough discussion about what they truly believe. Older drunks even begin by looking around the bar and then saying, “I probably shouldn’t say this out loud…” but then they say it anyway. DRUNK PEOPLE FACT THREE: That music that you’re casually listening to might make a drunk person start crying. Insensitive sober people often play music in their homes, cars, or even in their places of business without any awareness that certain songs can trigger instant bad memories in a drunk person’s mind. This can cause instant crying, followed by a lengthy explanation of how “We don’t have to take our clothes off (to have a good time)” was playing when he broke up with his girlfriend in eighth grade. DRUNK PEOPLE FACT FOUR: Telling a drunk person that they’ve “had too much,” or “need to slow down” is like telling a sober person to go fuck themselves with a broom. And yet sober people keep telling them this, again and again. When will it end? DRUNK PEOPLE FACT FIVE: So many sober people talk about how success comes when you stop caring about what other people think. Drunks do this every time they are drunk. So they’re successful, right? So shut up. DRUNK PEOPLE FACT SIX: People write better when they’re drunk. DRUNK PEOPLE FACT SEVEN: Is Taco Bell open? DRUNK PEOPLE FACT EIGHT: The next time a drunk person asks you to drive them to Taco Bell, just do it. Seriously. Do it now. Jesus. |
AboutInsights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders. Archives
February 2023
Categories |
RSS Feed