 Don't tell people their faces give you rabies. Let’s face it, people today are sensitive, and that means they often take your well-intentioned statements and twist them into something horrible in their minds. Even normal, polite compliments can be construed as insults, and you need to choose your words carefully. In what can only be described as a benevolent gift to you and humankind, the Intergalactic Business Report alerts you about the seven most common but unintentionally rude things you utter every day. If you want to keep your friends and charm your colleagues, stop saying these now: 1. “Fuck off, dick mouth.” 2. “Eat my fart. Please open your mouth to receive it.” 3. “You’re a beast. Like the kind that stinks and is hairy. Just to be clear, I didn’t mean that as a compliment in any way.” 4. “I find you so unattractive that the only way I would stick my dick in you is if that somehow would deactivate a bomb that was going to blow up planet Earth. And even then, I’d probably just say fuck it and let the world explode.” 5. “Sometimes I wish we would just get invaded by aliens so I could take my mind off how much you totally and absolutely suck.” 6. “I hate you. I hate you so much. I hate you so much I wish every day I could express that hate to you in a way you could truly understand. Because just saying I hate you doesn’t cover it.” 7. “Your face gives me rabies.”  Losing weight is tough and every new diet program inspires hope till you drop it and just start stuffing your burrito eater again. So why not look into these seven alternative weight loss schemes that are so underground, you haven’t heard of them yet. Beaver diet. You eat only greens and whatever beavers you can catch. Just saying you’re not fat. Here, you just deny you’re fat and tell people how much weight you’ve lost even as you gain obscene amounts of extra chins and cellulite. Fitness model hiring. This weight loss technique is where you hire a fitness model to assume your life. It’s expensive, but you basically stay at home and eat while giving your model instructions through an ear and video piece he/she carries around. Big presentation at work? The new you will look great as he repeats what you’re telling him. And if you want to amp it up a bit, have him do it shirtless. Liquid lunch diet. This classic diet from the 1920’s is making a comeback. All you do is drink till you pass out and therefore skip meals. Online transition weight loss. This allows you to play video games almost all day long, so it’s very popular with younger generations. Using an attachment to your gaming system (and your face), the weight loss program only allows you to eat virtual food that is dropped into your game by someone called the “snackman.” Munch munch. Eat as much of the virtual food as you like, but if you get up to get real food and detach the probe on your head, your virtual self is automatically demoted and has to start the game over. Reverse weight loss training. This is basically your excuse to gain as much weight as you want because you send out a text/email/post to everyone in your contact list that you are undergoing something called “reverse weight loss training” and that your appearance could be altered drastically in the next several months. Then you just show up places as fat as you want and nobody says anything. Fat shaming children’s posse. This is perhaps the most aggressive and psychologically damaging of the alternative weight loss programs. A group of kids follows you around and makes fun of your size until you either defeat them in combat or stop eating so much.  The phrase, “go with your gut” has taken on new importance in recent years as doctors, psychologists, and even adult movie stars* talk non-stop about gut health. According to them, your gut is responsible for your health, mood, and general well-being. And it also helps you make decisions. But stunning new counter-evidence unearthed by the Intergalactic Business Report may make you think twice about listening to your gut. In fact, “going with your gut” may be the last thing you do. Below we list the 7 most common pieces of bad advice your gut tells you. YOUR GUT SAYS: “This fake Uber driver isn’t going to murder you, because I’ll protect you.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “I grant you super powers to hang glide using your arms as wings.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “Have some guts and don’t wear that condom.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “Worshipping Satan is cool. Sign a contract in blood giving him your soul. Come on, do it.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “If you just have this last drink, everyone will finally like you.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “Eating a whole cake won’t make you fat. It’ll just make that cake gone.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “That guy with the weird face tattoos should be your new boyfriend.” *We assume.  Copywriters* like to tell you that certain words like “you,” “free,” and “discover” can magically grab readers’ attentions and get them to look at advertisements and the crap that comes in envelopes in your mail that you never read. But a shocking and deep psychological study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that these power words have become impotent and ineffective. So, how are you supposed to trick people into reading your nonsense? Below we reveal the 10 new power words in the English language, updated for our modern world. We even include a sample letter to prove how effective they can be. OLD POWER WORD: YOU. NEW POWER WORD: THAT/SOME DUDE. OLD POWER WORD: SEX. NEW POWER WORD: SELF-FELLATIO. OLD POWER WORD: FREE. NEW POWER WORD: A DOLLAR NINETY-FIVE. OLD POWER WORD: GUARANTEE. NEW POWER WORD: NO PROMISES, BUT THERE’S A GOOD CHANCE, MAYBE. OLD POWER WORD: LOVE. NEW POWER WORD: SUPER GOOD SEX, BUT NO COMMITMENT. OLD POWER WORD: SAFETY. NEW POWER WORD: YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET KILLED, WE THINK. OLD POWER WORD: HEALTH. NEW POWER WORD: IT’S NOT YOUR TIME TO DIE, YET. OLD POWER WORD: NEW. NEW POWER WORD: GENTLY USED. OLD POWER WORD: INSTANTLY. NEW POWER WORD: JUST GIVE US A FUCKING SECOND. OLD POWER WORD: PROVEN. NEW POWER WORD: SOME GUY SAYS IT WORKS AND HE’S PROBABLY RIGHT. SAMPLE POWER PARAGRAPH: Dear Consumer: Some dude has super good sex but no commitment with our products. Just give us a fucking second, and, for a dollar ninety-five, that dude can perform self-fellatio in a way that’s not going to get you killed, we think. This comes with no promises, but there’s a good chance, maybe. After all, some guy says it works, and he’s probably right. So, give one of our gently used products a chance, because it’s not time for you to die, yet. Signed, Master Copywriter Advertising Person. * Just means, “people who masturbate into spaghetti sauce jars.”  Your break up, delivered. You may have heard of “conscious uncoupling,” which is where two people slowly break their marital bonds or partnership by incrementally dissolving their union. A new trend, however, is giving couples an even easier way out. Here’s how it works. STEP ONE: You decide you don’t want to be with your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend anymore, but you don’t want to go through the pain and anxiety of telling them that. STEP TWO: A hypnotherapist disguised as a UPS delivery guy arrives at your house or your partner’s work and says she/he needs to sign for something. He hands them a pen and then says, “Hold on, I need to shake it for the ink to work.” At that point, he moves the pen back and forth and says stuff like, “Look at this pen… It’s special… look at how it moves back and forth…” Then your partner starts following it with her/his eyes as the hypnotherapist says stuff like, “You will not remember your boyfriend, Brian. He does not exist. It’s always been just you, alone, because you’re not good enough to have someone love you,” and so on, till someone walks in the room and says, “Hey Cindy, why aren’t you in the meeting? Why’ve you been in here for like an hour with the UPS guy?” STEP THREE: The hypnotherapy doesn’t always work, so the next time you see your partner, just pretend like you kind of know him/her, but not really. When he/she asks why you’re being so weird, just say, “Who are you again?” If they ask anything else, like do you know anything about the UPS guy who came by my office and said I need to forget I know you, just say, “My name is Horace von Constantine. I don’t believe I’ve ever met you. What is your name young man/lady?” (It helps if you act like a really really old man or lady.) STEP FOUR: At this point, either you’ve successfully rid yourself of your partner, or he/she is losing their shit and screaming at you. If it’s the latter, run the fuck away. STEP FIVE: Find a bar or somewhere you can drink a lot of alcohol. Drink the alcohol. You’ll probably get phone calls at this point from your partner. Answer in a vaguely foreign sounding voice and tell her/him that someone sold you this phone in the park and that you don’t know what they’re talking about. When they say, “I know this is you. Why are you using that fake voice? What’s going on?” drop the phone in a toilet and stop using phones for a while. STEP SIX: If you lived with your partner, try to never return. If you didn’t live with him/her, don’t ever return to wherever you live, because he/she may stop by there to find you. STEP SEVEN: After several months, your partner will start to wonder whether he/she ever really dated you or whether you were just a manifestation of her/his subconscious. Congratulations. Go live your best life.  Hipsters head home after a night of drinking. Hipsters. Those guys who want to be living in the 19th century but also want iphones. Each year, they come up with new and fascinating ways to express themselves and the Intergalactic Business Report highlights nine of their best efforts. 1. Drunk staring at classic books. 2. Carrying civil war pistols to go with their beards. 3. Brass nutsack carriers. 4. Drinking coffee that was strained through famous people’s butt cracks. 5. Trapping animals and selling their fur. 6. Arctic expeditions where no one comes back. 7. Living as hermits on a rich guy’s property. 8. Boxing kangaroos. 9. Parasols to keep the sun off them while being leeched.  In recent years, several popular studies have concluded that money can only bring so much happiness to your life. They contend that after you reach a threshold of about $80,000 a year, you are not any more happy than someone making, say, a million (or more) a year. But a contrary study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report says otherwise. In fact, our research concludes that not only do you need more than $80,000 a year to be happy, but the richer you are, the happier you are. Below we outline the reasons why. 80K PER YEAR:You can take one family vacation a year and you’ll probably be answering emails and making calls the whole time. GAZILLIONAIRE: You’re on vacation as long as you want and can call other people who work for you and ruin their vacations. 80K PER YEAR: Once a month, you can go out for a nice dinner. GAZILLIONAIRE: If you see something you want to eat walking down the street, you can order you butler to kill it and then have your personal Michelin chef skin and prepare it for you and then serve it on a table made of a living prostitute who uses her free hand to hold up a jar of cocaine for you to sniff. 80K PER YEAR: Christmas is a happy time where your family gathers and opens some modestly priced presents. GAZILLIONAIRE: You pay people to skip Christmas with their families and make them become part of a live nativity scene on your massive estate. Then your rich friends hunt the characters, except for baby Jesus. 80K PER YEAR: After work, you grab a few beers with your buddies and maybe even join a bowling league together. GAZILLIONAIRE: You can buy someone’s friends, pay them to shun him, and then buy a bowling alley where you have orgies while pin monkeys run around and bring you drinks. 80K PER YEAR: You own a place up North that’s been in the family for 50 years. GAZILLIONAIRE: You own up North. 80K PER YEAR: Your family comes together when there’s a crisis and you grow closer. GAZILLIONAIRE: You and your hookers come together during impromptu orgies and there’s never a crisis because you can buy your way out of anything. And you don’t grow closer to the hookers. They get older. You get new ones. 80K PER YEAR: When you die, your family surrounds you and you look back on a life well lived. GAZILLIONAIRE: You cheat death by harvesting people’s organs and making yourself into a cyborg. Then, when you take a break from an orgy, you look back on the last 300 years and think about how fucking awesome you are.  Since the beginning of time, humans have asked a simple question: “Am I dreaming, or am I actually having a three-way with Snoop Dog and that guy from the 700 Club?” Instead of getting Freddy-Krugered every time you close your eyes, take our simple advice and look for these seven signs you’re in a dream. 1. That celebrity you’ve always hated is hanging out with you and you talk to him about how you’ve always respected him and then you start naming all the movies he was in and how much you liked them even though those are the same movies you reference when you tell all your friends about how much you hate him because he sucks so hard in those movies. And all of this is just evidence of what you’d actually do if you ever ran into a real celebrity. You had one chance to at least tell the guy off in your dream, but instead you sold out even when it was all made up in your head. 2. You’re good at fighting and don’t take shit from anyone. 3. You tell off the asshole who you always wanted to tell off, only the shit you’re saying is stupid, and even though it’s gibberish, the guy is acting like you totally burned him. 4. You’re dating someone who really gets you and isn’t just settling. 5. You’re having sex with your dog but then it’s your boss, but then it’s your dog, and then you’re kissing some celebrity’s ass. 6. You’re taking a test without your shirt on and all the numbers and words on the paper in front of you make absolutely no sense. But you’re not concerned that maybe you’re going to flunk the test or maybe that you’re having a stroke. You’re worried about how you look without your shirt on. 7. You’re watching a movie but you’re also in the movie and keep switching off between watching it and starring in it, but you only star in it when something shitty happens, like a guy with a cow head is going to kill you. When the love interest shows up and wants to have sex, you’re back in your chair, just watching.  "Clowncelling is a thing now..." In the age of social media, dating apps, and butt chugging, the Intergalactic Business Report studies 7 new disturbing dating trends that are becoming commonplace in America. Actual ghosting: This dating trend is where your girlfriend/boyfriend dies and haunts you. Booger flicking: Instead of breaking up with words, your girlfriend/boyfriend flicks a booger at you. When it hits, you are supposed to silently acknowledge that it’s over. Starting a joint acting career: In this new trend, couples attempt to become actors together and either do regional theater or move to LA, telling everyone that they come as “a package.” Glory bowling: Couples drill glory holes in bowling alley bathrooms and have sex through them till a pin monkey or a manager stops them. Clowncelling: This is when your partner hires a clown to show up at your apartment and break up with you. Foreign country death threating (FCDT): This trend involves an ex who starts a social media campaign about you in a hostile foreign country. Usually it’s an Instagram account with your picture, name, and lots of statements about how you can’t stand the people, religion, and culture of ____. Then all those people want to kill you. All you can eating: Some couples today find it ironic and funny to put on enormous weight and attempt to single (or double?) handedly put all-you-can-eat restaurants out of business.  After an extensive anthropological study of the Amish, the Intergalactic Business Report finally releases its findings about the greatest issues they face. Below we list 11 quintessentially Amish problems: 1. You go on vacation and people think you’re part of historical re-enactments. They say stuff to you like, “Good day, sir, what are you blacksmithing this fine morning?” 2. Jebediah keeps asking you to come by for a barn raising, but it’s just him with a boner sitting under a blanket. 3. When you say you need dat butter churnt, and it ain’t churnt. 4. You raise a barn, feed the pigs, plow some fields, and when you get home you have no AC and you have to relax by reading the bible. 5. You go to get some butter and it still ain’t churnt. 6. You feel like you’re the only one in your community who knows Kung Fu but you also wonder if you actually know it because you’re not sure how anyone learns Kung Fu because you told yourself it’s about believing you know it and you believe except now you’re starting to have doubts so it’s complicated. 7. You raise Harold’s barn, you raise Otto’s barn, but when it comes to raise your own barn everybody’s like, “I gotta make lemonade today,” or, “I pulled my quad churning butter,” and you just sit there, knowing that last one’s a lie because the butter ain’t never churnt and everyone knows that. 8. On Rumspringa you hit the clubs with your new dance move, “the butter churn” but no one gets it and thinks you’re having muscle failure. 9. A cop hides out in your community and has sex with Kelly McGillis, which is bullshit because you’ve always had a thing for her and she won’t even look at you when she passes a wooden bowl your way at a community picnic table lunch thing. But when a cop shows up… Yeah, she’s all over that. 10. The only porn sites you see are out your window. They include: two pigs fucking and that old lady taking a bath in the river. 11. You pay for butt implants but nobody can see them through your thick-ass dress. |
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