A lot of people are freaking out about having to wear masks when they go places, but I for one am freaking out for a totally different reason and that reason is that I can’t wait to start wearing a mask. In fact, I’m beginning to wonder why I haven’t always worn one. Guess it’s never too late to start!
Anyway, below I’m outlining my reasons for why this is awesome and fits perfectly into my image of myself.
Reason one. All my heroes wore masks:
Reason two. I hate my nose.
Instead of cutting it off, like I planned to do earlier in the year, I get to hold on to it because now no one will see it. Ever. (Did I mention I plan to never take off my mask? Ever. Even when I’m alone, at home, or looking into people’s windows to make sure they’re o.k.)
Reason three. I don’t like people knowing whether or not I’m smiling.
The mask totally solves this one. It’s like sunglasses for your face. Am I smiling? Fuck you.
Reason four. Wearing a mask makes me like a bandit, only not wanted by the law.
Bandits are probably the coolest kind of criminals but if you’re not one, it’s pretty stupid to wear a bandit mask. Now I can do it without fear of being arrested, like the last time I pretended to be a bandit.
Reason five. Back to the bandit thing. If I rob a bank wearing a mask, it’s kind of like we all did it, because we’re all wearing masks, and they can’t arrest all of us.
Think about it.
Reason six. If I can wear my bandit mask to the grocery store, I could eat things there and no one would notice.
Me: wearing my bandit mask. Other person in store: “What are you doing? Are you eating that banana?” Me: “MAAAAAARGH!”
Reason seven. I feel like I’m stuck on the thing about being a bandit and can’t move on.
Sometimes you hit on a great idea and just become obsessed with it. I think I’m going to stop writing now.
Once we get past worrying about how many people will die from Coronavirus, most Americans start worrying about whether we’ll ever play sports again. Imagine fall without football. Empty stadiums. Fake, zoom tailgates before replays of games nobody cares about and can’t bet on. The future looks grim, or did, until the Intergalactic Business Report unveiled its new campaign to save all professional sports.
Today, we announce “Stay home and play with yourself.” Because the full plan is over two thousand eighty-five pages, we have outlined the most important features below.
1. “Stay at home and play with yourself” covers all major sports and all professional athletes.
2. Our plan is based on a simple premise: Instead of playing with the rest of your team, athletes will now just play with themselves in the comfort and confines of their own home.
3. We understand this will change most professional sports slightly, because, for instance, instead of throwing a football or tackling other men, an athlete will instead just be whacking off by himself, but we feel this alteration to the sport is almost insignificant.
4. Major events like the Super Bowl can be easily replaced with large group masturbation contests between your favorite players. This will make fantasy football even more exciting and add a new element to the competition.
5. Suburban dads who spend their falls complaining about NFL players and teams can now just admit it was all pretty much the same as a bunch of dudes beating their meat. This will bring a massive calm to the nation and possibly end domestic violence.
6. “Man Caves” will now be used for their real purpose and not just be a weird and unsettling thing created by males who “want their space.” Wives across America will be like, “Oh… All right. Go to your man cave now.”
7. Athletes from New Jersey will dominate, but we feel strongly this will only be for the first several years of our plan. Our projections show that in years 15-16, other states, like Delaware, might close the gap slightly.
Sports are cancelled and people are watching replays of basketball games from ten years ago as if that’s somehow fulfilling and not a sign that they’ve completely given up on life. Meanwhile, serious athletes are wondering what they can do to keep sharp when they aren’t allowed to compete in their sports.
The Intergalactic Business Report once again saves America by giving you seven new sports you can do in your home, alone. Play them, relay them, and don’t delay them.
RULES: Slap yourself in the face super hard. Then count: one. Slap yourself in the face again. Then count: two. Keep doing this till you get to like thirty-seven. That’s the record. Can you break it?
SPORT: Fat fuckity fucker.
RULES: You’ve stocked up on food. Now eat it. All. When you feel full, keep eating. Can you become the fattest fuck on the planet? You’ve got time on your side. Start eating.
SPORT: Dog King.
RULES: Let your dog make all the rules as you appoint him king for a day. Whatever he wants, you do it. He wants to go for a walk? He wants a treat? He wants you to follow him to another dimension where he traps and switches bodies with you and then returns to this dimension as you? You have to do it because those are the rules of Dog King.
SPORT: Extreme stair running.
RULES: Do you have stairs in your house? Run up and down for as long as you can. When you start seeing shit, like angels warning you to stop, you’re almost there.
SPORT: Penis Olympics.
RULES: Put your dick through the ultimate challenge as it attempts pole vaulting you over the couch.
SPORT: Can I fit that up my butt?
RULES: There are tons of things in your house that have always just sat there. Now’s your chance to see which ones will actually fit inside your ass. Start slowly with loose change and work your way up to your high school yearbook.
SPORT: Extreme sleeping.
RULES: They say you need eight or nine hours of sleep a day, but what if you pushed that to twenty-two or twenty-three hours? Can you stay in bed that long? And live a life of only two or three waking hours? Or are you a total pussy who needs to be awake all the time?
In our first article based totally on conjecture, the Intergalactic Business Report makes the daring assumption that animals in zoos don’t feel sorry for humans who are forced to stay indoors during the COV-ID 19 crisis.
Again, this is just a guess, because we haven’t been able to actually interview any animals and when we did try that once, a writer’s balls were chewed off, which re-enforces our current thinking about how these creatures feel about us.
Taking this a step further, we’ve gone ahead and added other groups that give few to zero shits about our current situation of self-imposed isolation for several weeks.
1. Cult members who live in underground doomsday shelters and believe the world has already ended “up there.”
2. The guy who sings “the recluse.”
3. Sasquatch and probably every crypto monster besides Chupacabra, because he just seems more extroverted.
4. Jason Voorhees.
5. The caveman who everyone shamed into leaving the cave to go hunting and who immediately had his nuts torn off by a sabre tooth tiger.
6. 80’s music group “Living in a Box.”
7. The woman Buffalo Bill is keeping in the well in “Silence of the Lambs.”
8. Saddam Hussein when he was living in a “spider hole.”
9. Anyone who’s ever been to prison for more than two minutes.
10. The man in the iron mask.
11. The kid who’s in the invisible square he can’t leave or he’ll be eaten by lava monsters.
The reviews are in and the Intergalactic Business Report’s coverage of the Coronavirus pandemic is considered by most people on the planet as the most authoritative and accurate account of what the disease is, how it spreads, and what you should do to protect yourself.
Today we reveal that many acts of sex have been cancelled by the Coronavirus. But not all. We give you alternatives and options. You’re welcome.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: The wheelbarrow position.
WHY: In order to have sex like this, one person has to touch the bacteria-covered ground with both hands. Also, the person doing the boning must use both hands to balance themselves, thus leaving it impossible to cough into their elbows.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Disinfect and clean a real wheelbarrow. Drill a small (or large) hole in the area just under the handles. Have sex with that instead.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: Fruit sex.
WHY: The Coronavirus might live on fruit so when you have sex with a watermelon or orange it’s like banging a leper who’s just doing it for the money.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Sex with bagels is considered safer at this point. But we’d advise still being cautious. Maybe only use two at a time.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: Blow jobs.
WHY: They say don’t touch your face during the Coronavirus spread. This sex act involves so much more. Like a penis in your mouth. Maybe you get slapped in the face with it too. Who knows?
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Binge watch Judge Judy. No way you want to suck a dick after that.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: Anal.
WHY: Butts contain butt bacteria. Eww.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: If it’s that important to you to have butt sex, then no quarantine’s going to stop you. So, go ahead, we guess.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: Circle jerks.
WHY: This extremely popular East Coast ritual has obvious proximity issues.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Virtual circle jerks on Zoom and skype. But you were probably doing that anyway.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: Blumpkins.
WHY: If you need to ask, you probably don’t know what a blumpkin is.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Watch t.v. or something. Seriously. Do anything. Wash your fucking car.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: 69.
WHY: The epitome of getting too close to someone else.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: 68. It’s where you come before 69.
KFC’s “finger licking good” slogan is gone. Now the Intergalactic Business Report shows you everything that will disappear from our culture because of the Coronavirus.
1. The “Grab my hand! Trust me!” rescue move.
2. Interlocking hands with strangers on public transportation.
3. The “grab your face cause you’re so cute” greeting.
4. Bar bets where you try to stick your fist in your mouth.
5. Clearing out hanging boogers from your nose.
6. “Hands across America.”
7. Hand jobs.
8. Blind people feeling people’s faces to “see” what they look like.
9. Living hand to mouth.
10. Lady fingers.
11. Doing the “fish hook” move during doggy-style sex.
12. That monster face you make when you stick your fingers in your mouth and nose and pull back your eyelids.
If you’re feeling unsettled by the impending tsunami of the Coronavirus, prepare to be reassured by America’s major corporations, which are handling this crisis like a boss… Who’s about to fire everyone.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report reviews the corporate response to the COV-19 pandemic and offer a few questions of our own.
COMPANY: AMC MOVIES.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Once we hit 50% of an auditorium’s capacity, movie screening will show as being Sold Out, even though by definition there will be a large number of unfilled seats.”
QUESTIONS: You guys seriously think you’re going to fill 50% of your theater?
UPDATE: Closed. So, I guess that answers that.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “In addition to practicing preventative measures to reduce the spread of germs within our facilities, all of our vehicles go through a rigorous, multi-step cleaning process for each rental.”
QUESTIONS: Are you still going to “clean” the back seats of your cars with puke?
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Our hotels' health and safety measures are designed to address a broad spectrum of viruses, including COVID-19, and cover everything from handwashing hygiene and cleaning product specifications to guest room and common area cleaning procedures.”
QUESTIONS: Does this mean you’ll clean the jizz stains off your carpets, lamps, and ceilings?
COMPANY: JIMMY JOHN’S.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Established a full-time Coronavirus Preparedness Task Force… to ensure a safer dining experience for all.”
FIRST QUESTION FOR THE TASK FORCE COMMANDER: What’s freaky faster? Jimmy John’s delivery? Or the time it takes the Coronavirus to get inside you?
COMPANY: JAMBA JUICE.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Pausing the reusable tumbler program and the insertion of straws into our smoothies for our guests.”
QUESTIONS: But before it was cool to stick straws into our smoothies with your nasty hands?
COMPANY: MALL OF AMERICA.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We have intensified our existing rigorous cleaning and sanitizing efforts, which include, but are not limited to, increasing the frequency and intensity of our cleaning efforts of all commonly touched surfaces including seating, doors, handrails, elevators, directories, rides as well as rental strollers and wheelchairs.”
QUESTIONS: You’re going to constantly clean 5 million square feet of stuff?
UPDATE: Totally closed, so we guess you won’t.
COMPANY: BARNES AND NOBLES.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We’re living through turbulent times together. Our booksellers are your neighbors, your friends and family. Your stories are our stories, and we know how resilient our communities are.”
QUESTIONS: Great. But you are going to wipe down the books and stuff, right?
COMPANY: FIREHOUSE SUBS.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are removing the self-serve hot sauce bar from the counter area and will, upon request, offer our signature Captain Sorensen’s Hot Sauce in pre-portioned cups.”
QUESTIONS: You’re talking about doing a circle jerk, right?
COMPANY: BUCA DI BEPPO.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are taking other steps to address concerns, for instance, encouraging cash-less transactions inside our restaurants. The passing of cash has been shown to be a major method of transmission and we believe this action is in the interest of everyone’s well-being.”
QUESTIONS: Can I still pay with the credit card I ran through my ass crack?
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are providing all our stores with the necessary supply of disinfectant materials and hand sanitizer to frequently clean high-touch surfaces to kill germs and ensure our stores are a safe environment for both our customers and store associates.”
COMMENT: Sounds like a nerd wrote that.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Swim trunks, sunglasses and sandals are all you need for the surf or the sand.” They add: “This look was made for soaking up every second of sunshine—from mornings spent lying on the beach to poolside happy hours.”
COMMENT: By far our favorite message about the Coronavirus.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are taking additional precautions, including: Established an internal task force to monitor and provide guidance in real time.”
FIRST RECOMMENDATION FROM THE INTERNAL TASK FORCE: “Hey Ricky, stop touchin’ the Guac with yer face! Damn!”
1. You own a village of peasants in a country whose name you can’t pronounce, and you wear an ambiguous general’s outfit every time you go there.
2. Your accountant bows before you and won’t make eye contact for fear of being beaten by the guy you’re always telling to make problems disappear.
3. There are a bunch of super attractive people you don’t know always hanging around your amazing pool.
4. The attractive people hanging around your pool sometimes scatter when you show up and start screaming that you want so and so dead.
5. When someone starts “fucking with your livelihood” you always have a plan where someone gets kidnapped and you get killed.
6. You have employees who are always around. Like they must sleep in the house with you, because they’re always there. Except they can’t sleep, because every time you do anything, they’re right there, waiting to take care of something for you.
7. The chief of police is always talking about how you’re a respected member of the community whenever an ex-cop, ex-special forces dude, ex-CIA, karate master shows up and complains about you.
8. Even though you’re kind of an older, out of shape dude, you somehow can fight against an ex-CIA, special forces, karate master in a final battle. Are you a karate master? No. Do you even know how to fight? Not really. Do you almost win the fight? Yeah… You almost do. You should probably get more credit for that. But you’re dead, so…
9. Even though you’re super rich and the chief of police won’t touch you, you find a way to get arrested or killed.
10. You own an orphanage that’s actually a drug distribution center where the orphans package and sell drugs for you. At some point, the orphans kill you because the ex-CIA karate master kind of lets them.
11. Every one of your surface-level good qualities is mirrored by an actual bad quality that is the exact opposite.
12. You are constantly trying to convince the out-for-revenge ex-special forces guys who are trying to bring you down that you’re a lot alike or even “the same” and every fucking time they say, “No. We’re not the same.” Fuck those guys. Why do you try so hard to be their friends?
13. In a gesture of good will, you offer the ex-CIA karate master a fucking job, because he clearly needs one and he always turns you down because he’d rather “serve justice” or whatever than work.
14. You have one henchman who’s a bad ass but who always gets totally killed by the ex-special forces guy in the end. Some advice: get like two or three of those guys. One isn’t enough.
Banned, controversial diet, could lose you 20 lbs per week with no dieting. Too good to be true? At least read what it’s about.
WHO AM I?
I’m Jonny Ripkin, creator of the most controversial diet in the world: the Shred and Fed Diet®. Shred and Fed is the only diet in the world that requires zero exercise, zero dieting, and guarantees massive weight loss of at least (that’s right, I said, “at least”) 20 pounds per week.*
WHAT’S THIS DIET ABOUT?
A lot of people are pissed right now, because I promised them I’d never reveal the secrets of my “shred and fed” diet program that lost them weight without them ever having to diet—not even for one day. What pisses them off most is that they want to be the only ones (besides me) to know the secret of how to not only lose weight, but get totally shredded and ripped within one month or less, all without any effort whatsoever. Let me give you an example.
SUCCESS STORY ONE:
A friend of mine was 49 years old, overweight (253 lbs), and totally non-athletic. I used to bully him and call him “fat ass,” if that gives you an idea of how fat and stupid he was. After doing my plan for three weeks, he weighed 157 pounds and had about 7% body fat. Even more amazing? He is now only 46 years old. How the fuck is that possible? I’ll tell you in a minute. Just read the next success story first.
SUCCESS STORY TWO:
Another friend, a woman I’d had sex with a few times but who I always felt was a little “chunky,” asked me what she should do to shed some pounds—mostly because I was always teasing her about how fat she was compared to other girls I boned. So she tried my program, and guess what? She’s smoking hot today. She lost 4 dress sizes and is now a fitness model and sometimes even does porn! She’s that hot. How long did it take her? Would you believe 14 days? That’s right. Two weeks on my program and she was so hot that other guys wanted to have sex with her and film it!
SUCCESS STORY THREE:
O.K. O.K. You want me to get to the details. But just read about one last success story first. This one’s my favorite, because it has to do with my own mom. Old mom was so fat and nasty looking that I was afraid to be seen with her in public. I know that’s a harsh thing to say about your own mother, but if you saw her you’d be like, “Woah… You don’t take her out in public do you?” Answer: No. Not until I got her on my program and she lost two hundred and thirty-seven pounds in four weeks. She looks so good today that she could be one of those lesbians in a porno film! Maybe she’ll make one with my other friend (see above)!
HOW “SHRED AND FED” WORKS:
People never believe me when I tell them how simple the Shred and Fed program is. Basically, you don’t do anything. “Wait,” you’re saying right now. “Did you just say you don’t do anything?” Yes, that’s right. You do nothing. You just sit there and lose the weight and get shredded.
HOW’S THAT POSSIBLE, JONNY?
Now you’re saying, “That’s impossible, man. No one can achieve those results without working out all the time and eating whatever you’re supposed to eat according to some dietician.” To that I ask you a simple question: Have you ever actually talked to a dietician? Or a personal trainer? They’re dumb. Seriously. Try to have a conversation with them about anything other than food or working out. What’s that like? I rest my case.
SEVEN MYTHS ABOUT WEIGHT LOSS:
Those personal trainers and dieticians will try to feed you (ha ha) a load of shit (nasty!) about what it takes to lose weight and how your body works. But I’m going to let you in on seven myths about weight loss you’ve probably never heard. Why have you never heard them? Because I haven’t told you yet. Duh.
Myth one: Weighing less depends on losing weight. FALSE.
Myth two: Building muscle depends on foods you eat and exercise you do. FALSE.
Myth three: Jonny Ripkin has a small penis. FALSE. TOTALLY FALSE.
Myth four: Eating carnival food makes you fat. FALSE.
Myth five: I need to work out to be “in shape.” FALSE.
Myth six: I can’t lose two hundred pounds in six days. FALSE.
Myth seven: Poop is human waste. FALSE.
SEVEN (BANNED) TRICKS ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT:
You haven’t bought anything (yet!) so I’m going to tease you a little with seven weight-loss tricks that I know you’ve never heard of. Don’t worry, the details are all in my book.
Trick one: Chewing burlap can make your teeth grow.
Trick two: Watching Rocky movies can mentally develop muscles.
Trick three: Beer has an enzyme in it.
Trick four: Fruit can be used for throwing at people. Not just eating. It has other purposes.
Trick five: You can have sex with fruit too (see above).
Trick six: Hormones.
Trick seven: I wear a mask that makes me invisible and allows me to enter your dreams.
SO, HOW DO I BUY THE SHRED AND FED PLAN?
I know. You want to buy my plan so you can lose up to four hundred percent of your body fat and look amazing this summer. Just remember, my plan is BANNED, because people found it too CONTROVERSIAL. Basically, that means that I’m not allowed to share it with anybody, I guess. I don’t understand laws. Let me put it this way, if I can find a way to, I’m going to write all this shit down and make it into a book or something. I guess I’ll let you know if I do that.
*Unless you weigh only twenty pounds. I can’t make you disappear from the universe. But I will try.
Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
Yesterday, I published an article that was very close to my heart. In it, I wrote a letter to my younger self—a seventeen-year-old Ed Mountaineer, who was getting ready to face the world and take on the challenges I knew lay ahead for him.
Surprisingly, I received a letter back. I know. Crazy. But I did. I’ve reprinted it below.
Please stop contacting me. I don’t know who you are, but I am definitely not your “younger self.” I am just a guy who works at Starbucks and I’m not even seventeen. I’m twenty-six years old.
I’m not sure if you don’t understand the concept of time or if you’re a mental patient, or both. At my work, I’ve had a lot of weird experiences. I’ve been hit on, asked to pose nude, and even proposed to. I’ve never had a creepy as fuck older dude like you keep passing me letters about how I’m him, only seventeen years old, and living in the past, whenever he was seventeen years old. I should say, I’ve never had that happen until you showed up.
My dad is a lawyer and he said he’d deal with you, but I told him I’m old enough to take care of this on my own. So this is an honest request for you to just seriously fuck off and stop coming in to my Starbucks.
I get that you’re probably lonely and maybe not dangerous, but you do have that insane look in your eyes all the time and you never say anything to me and just hand me the letters. I think that’s pretty fucked up.
Again, leave me alone or there will be consequences.
(Not giving you my real name)
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