We know you have questions about the Coronavirus pandemic. We gathered the best scientific minds* to answer your questions. You’re welcome.
Q: If 4 billion people a day get the virus, how long would it take for everyone to get it?
A: The Earth’s population is about 7,800,000,000. This means that the entire planet could have Covid-19 in two days. And that’s not counting the people who already have it, so it may be more like a day and a half.
Q: Is it time for some of us to just go to another planet and get out of here?
A: Yes, but then, like in Alien, one person will bring it aboard your spaceship and everyone will get it. But, yeah, you should try it.
Q: My balls itch. But not just like a normal itch. They itch a lot, like it’s Coronavirus or something?
A: Yeah. Probably. That sounds right.
Q: I’ve had my hand stuck up my butt for like three days now. Is that Coronavirus?
A: If you had said two days, we’d have said, “Wait another day and see if it’s still stuck.” Since you kind of did that, we’d say it’s probably Coronavirus.
Q: I had sex with a stripper named “Covidia.” Do I have the virus now?
A: 100%. Yes. Why the fuck would you do that?
Q: What’s your scientific background? Do you guys all have PhDs and stuff?
A: More like, “and stuff.”
Q: Ever since the Coronavirus came around, I feel like I’m closer to my friends and family. It’s kind of beautiful.
A: You may have already died. Sorry.
*The term “the best” is subjective and also can apply as a description of people who are “the best” at getting drunk, for instance, which is also subjective, but we’re pretty sure we are.
The Intergalactic Business Report commissioned a scientific study to find the best way to defeat the Covid-19 virus. The results are simple but also shocking.
Working overtime* in laboratories throughout the world** scientists*** were able to pinpoint the most effective strategy in finally ending the spread of the disease. SPOILER: it isn’t a vaccine. Instead, it’s just not breathing. We outline below how this could work:
Breathing is the way most of us expel air as well as viral particles.
If we stop breathing, those particles will also stop being expelled, which could seriously degrade the virus’s chance of spreading from person to person.
“Alive” people are the ones who spread the virus most.
It’s been well-documented that people who breathe are also alive. People who breathe also spread the virus. If you aren’t alive, then you aren’t breathing, which means you won’t spread the virus.
It’s possible to not breathe for extremely long times. We can wait this out.
Some people who have stopped breathing have done so for not just hours or days but years and decades. None of them are spreading the Coronavirus. This could be because they are buried underground or because they were cremated, making it less likely they would come in contact with other human beings, but the research is still developing on this.
In the song “Every Breath you Take,” Sting stalks a woman. That would be over.
For years, Sting has stalked a woman because he is able to monitor her breathing. This would end when she and others simply stop breathing, making her invisible to Sting and thus ending his reign of terror.
Plants are able to “breathe” through photosynthesis (or something). They would become the new targets for the virus, leaving us safe.
Plants don’t have mouths (right?) but they are still able to shoot out oxygen. What will the virus do when all the humans stop breathing? Answer: it will look for other “breathers,” like plants. Once it does, we just start breathing again and the virus will be stuck trying to infect rhubarb and poison ivy. Burned.
** We count shitty apartments as “laboratories.” These apartments are in our world, so we feel it’s accurate to say, “throughout the world.” Sue us.
*** Because the term “science” isn’t owned by anyone and because “science” is part of everyone’s life, like when you open a refrigerator and it’s cold and you’re like wow why is that cold and you know it’s because of science, we are all kind of scientists in a way.
HELP US HELP the world through 100% independent humor:
Conversations. They’re hard. And you have to have them all the time. You say stuff. Someone else says stuff too. That’s pretty much it.
The goal is to sound intelligent, interesting, and intriguing. But so often, we use phrases that do the opposite. In fact, some of the things you say everyday can make you sound boring. And when used in combination with other sentences you can even come off as scary and undesirable.
That’s right. Common phrase combinations like the ones listed below can make you sound not just dull, but also like a serial killer. Stop using them today. Or not. We really don't have a strong opinion on this.
1. “Wanna read a book with me? And then look at my penis?”
2. “Hey, I’ve got a great theory about how Czarist Russia is analogous to birdwatching. Now get in my van.”
3. “My name is Myron Beatleneck. May I buy your soul?”
4. “You into stamp collecting? No? Well let’s trade faces then.”
5. “The library convention is just around the corner. I can fit a whole peach up my butt. The large kind.”
6. “I could probably talk forever about Star Trek. But that would leave me no time to murder people.”
7. “Will you look at this term paper I’ve written? It’s about how I’m going to kidnap you.”
8. “Were you aware that there were 376 different species of butterflies? That I can fit in my butt?”
9. “I just fixed my calculator. Now I can count how many personalities I have.”
10. “I live in my mother’s basement. With my mother’s dead body.”
11. “I’m very well-versed at the science of cross-breeding flowers. And also killing people.”
12. “Have you ever read Hobart’s Taxonomy of Aquatic Species? I ask all my future captives that.”
13. “I recently purchased some rare manuscripts. That I use to wipe the blood off my face.”
Men who have cats are less dateable, according to a recent study. That sounded fishy to us so the Intergalactic Business Report commissioned its own study, which surveyed 8 million women to find what really turned them off. Cats didn’t even make the list.
Instead, 13 other things were found that made most men completely undateable. If you have any of these, get rid of them now. We list them below:
1. A third arm.
2. An exposed brain.
3. A dead grandmother in a wheelchair that travels with you everywhere.
4. A face tattoo that says, “Kill me twice.”
5. A Klingon mask.
6. A smaller man who rides in a saddle on your back and gives commands.
7. A dildo attached to your face.
8. A small trough around your neck that collects dropped food.
9. A spider that crawls out of your mouth when you start talking.
10. A trucker hat that says, “Small dick. Who cares?”
11. A booger gun.
12. Full armor.
13. A voice that sounds exactly like the woman’s mother.
You’ve probably heard of asymptomatic people (those who have Covid-19, but show no symptoms) and pre-symptomatic people (those who have the virus but haven’t shown symptoms yet), but a new group is emerging that scientists* believe could account for an even higher number of victims.
In an unprecedented medical study** commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report, we discovered that “no symptomatic” people live among us every day and pose the largest threat to stopping the spread of the virus. Below we outline our findings.
The characteristics of “no symptomatic” victims.
No symptomatic patients don’t carry the Coronavirus, and scientists believe this is probably why they show no symptoms. This is also why it is so difficult to identify them. Most no symptomatic people act and feel normal, feeling no sickness or pain. If you feel “normal” it is possible you are one of them.
How many people are “no symptomatic”?
Early estimates indicate that no symptomatic people could be in the hundreds of millions, meaning if you aren’t symptomatic, asymptomatic, or pre-symptomatic, you are almost definitely no symptomatic.
How do “no symptomatic” people spread the virus?
At this point, we believe that no symptomatic people aren’t passing on Coronavirus mostly because they don’t have it, but research on this is still in the early stages. We will soon understand more as the science catches up, and at that point we will make a scary as shit pronouncement about how we’re all going to die.
*Some guys we met in an online chat room who we’re pretty sure were speaking English, but who knows.
**We have always believed that medicine and medical studies belong to the people, and so this study was done by people for the people, which is patriotic.
Recently, the CDC made additions to its list of possible Coronavirus symptoms. The Intergalactic Business Report makes its own list as a supplement.
POSSIBLE CORONAVIRUS SYMPTOMS:
*This one actually means you’re probably dead.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Ed Mountaineer operates on his own, like a rogue agent (whatever that means). We do not endorse his views or support his lifestyle choices. We do print whatever he writes, but that’s not on us.
ED MOUNTAINEER: Thank you for agreeing to be interviewed.
YOUR MOM: Your welcome. Do I get paid for this?
ED MOUNTAINEER: No. It’s free.
YOUR MOM: That sucks.
ED MOUNTAINEER: You what?
YOUR MOM: What?
ED MOUNTAINEER: Nothing. So, it’s almost Father’s Day.
YOUR MOM: I guess so.
ED MOUNTAINEER: You don’t need to guess. I looked it up.
YOUR MOM: What do you want to talk about? I don’t have time for all this.
ED MOUNTAINEER: I just wanted to say Happy Father’s Day, I guess.
YOUR MOM: But I’m not a father.
ED MOUNTAINEER: No. But you’ve made a lot of fathers happy.
YOUR MOM: How’s that?
ED MOUNTAINEER: By having sex with so many of them.
YOUR MOM: Want to have sex with me right now?
ED MOUNTAINEER: I guess so.
YOUR MOM: Let’s do it.
ED MOUNTAINEER: Arghh Annhh (sex noises).
YOUR MOM: OHHH Awwhhh (more sex noises but from your mom instead)
ED MOUNTAINEER: GAAAAAH! UNGAAAAH! (sex)
YOUR MOM: You’re the best, ED. The Best ever.
YOUR MOM: I want to marry you, Ed.
ED MOUNTAINEER: I’m too busy.
YOUR MOM: That sucks.
ED MOUNTAINEER: I know.
YOUR MOM: How about more sex?
ED MOUNTAINEER: Sure, I guess.
Editor’s note: We stand by this being a 100% real interview with your mom. Also, it seems like your mom has a lot of issues to deal with, mostly the one about having sex with random men.
Do you have a dog? Do you wonder why it does stuff? Do you ever talk to it, pretending it has any idea what you’re saying? Don’t worry. You’re like most people. Delusional and uneducated and probably an alcoholic, like my dad.
My name is David Eppsien, and I’ve been working with animals for more than thirty-five years (in dog years). Over that time, I’ve developed the ability to see into the minds of dogs and understand what they can’t express to people, like you.
First off, I AM NOT TRYING TO SELL YOU ANYTHING. (Unless that’s something you’d do). I’m just an expert animal interpreter and I function on a higher level than you. I’m almost like a god who sits in a cloud somewhere and complains about how much you smell. But what if I told you that my secrets could be learned. BY YOU.
Still not buying it? Let me tell you a few things I know that you don’t.
YOUR DOG HATES YOU.
Yes. That’s right. And I don’t mean every dog in the world hates his owner. I mean your dog. Yours personally. And that hatred is directed only towards you. Other people, he likes. You? No. How do I know? He told me.
YOUR DOG HATES IT MOST WHEN YOU DATE OTHER, NEW, STRANGE MEN.
If you’re super slutty, you probably break up with your boyfriend and then start dating new guys almost immediately. Dogs despise that. Just saying. So don’t be slutty.
WHAT WOULD YOUR DOG TELL YOU IF IT COULD?
It would say, “Get back with David. He’s not pathetic. He’s not a stalker. He’s not mentally unfit to be in a mature adult relationship.” That’s the dog talking. Not me.
I DO HAVE A PLAN FOR THE FUTURE, TINA.
Some people, like Tina Weathers, break up with their boyfriends after two and a half years of total bliss, love, and support. That’s probably why if you’re her, your dog hates you because you’re empty and don’t know how to love and he just sits there wondering when David’s going to come back and communicate with him. And yes, Tina, I can do that, because I’m going to be rich off this shit. Rich. And you’re going to be like, “But I thought he didn’t have a plan for the future besides his stupid I can talk to dogs bullshit.” Well it’s not bullshit, Tina. It’s real. Wait. Did you hear something? “Kah…” What was that? “Kah…” I heard it again. “Kah-Ching!!!!!” That’s money! And you don’t get any!
DOG TO HUMAN COMMUNICATION WILL BE A TWENTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY BY 2025.
That’s what dogs say, anyway. And, sure, maybe they don’t understand money and how much a billion is. It’s still a lot probably. And I’m going to be the guy who makes most of that money because I’m ahead of everyone else. I started it first. I am loyal and faithful and not a slut.
PLEASE TAKE ME BACK, TINA.
I don’t think you’re a slut. Unless you seriously had sex with Martin Piedmont. If you did you’d be so slutty. Did you seriously do that? Your dog would hate you if you did. That’s almost like animal abuse.
I’M DONE WITH THIS CONVERSATION. I’M GOING TO BE A DOG CELEBRITY AND DATE MODELS.
Did you hear that, Tina? Models. You can watch me on TMZ and all that crap and be like, “Oh, I dated that guy once,” and all your stupid friends will be like, “Really? No way. I can see why he’d dump you.” And you’ll be like, “He didn’t dump me. I dumped him,” and they’ll all start dying laughing because they don’t believe you.
David Eppsien told us he could talk to dogs. That was good enough for us, so we gave him this column. If you’d like to contact David, he can be reached at email@example.com.
In a stunning new development, the Intergalactic Business Report estimates the death toll from COVID-19 is 100% of the population of Earth. Earlier projections indicated much lower numbers around 350,000 globally and 100,000 in the U.S.
Our estimates are based on the number of unreported deaths, which include the world population minus the 350,000 already reported. We used data and science to come to this conclusion and stand by our motto that “Science is true.”
7 huge takeaways from our extensive study are outlined below:
1. You now live in a fake alter-reality.
What you (and everyone else) is experiencing right now is a universe created in your mind as you prepare for the afterlife. Time has been slowed down to such an extent that three months ago was actually three seconds ago.
2. How do we know this?
It’s obvious that the weird shit that’s been happening could only be made up, like in a dream or something. Think about it. The government tells you that you need to stay in your house for three months and all sports are cancelled? You get drunk all the time and then compulsively wash your hands? You enter Zoom circle jerk contests with guys from Australia?
3. In the fake-alter reality, the only source of news that will tell you the truth is the Intergalactic Business Report.
We really should get more credit for that.
4. There’s also some great news!
Now you don’t have to worry about the Coronavirus anymore.
5. If you see a light, run towards it.
Some people are just walking and it closes up. We believe this is because the afterlife is assuming those people don’t want it enough.
6. If you spent any money on a funeral plot, you’re going to realize it was a waste of money.
Mostly because there’s no one alive to visit it.
7. You definitely aren’t getting that promotion.
But no one is. So that’s good, right? Except that you spent all that time at work, worrying about the promotion and kissing your boss’s ass. That probably wasn’t worth it at all. But, on the bright side, you can’t get fired either. Mostly because your boss is dead. And firing isn’t a thing anymore.
It’s been a long time coming. Finally, many states are beginning to let citizens leave their homes and get back to work. But, more importantly, it’s time to fucking party. This is what the lifting of the stay in place orders may mean for you:
1. You probably have the ability to fly. We don’t mean you can get in an airplane and fly somewhere. We are fairly certain* you now can fly like a super hero.
2. You are immune to all disease.
3. You are impervious to danger in any form, including pythons.
4. You cannot get STDs.
5. You have a magical shield around you at all times, thwarting any threats to your health.
6. You are now the luckiest person alive on the planet. Even though it seems impossible for every one of us to be the luckiest person, we are somehow. Basically, if there’s an outbreak, it will be someone else who gets it.
7. You can lick spoons other people used and it will make you stronger. Not because you are building up immunity or anything. Licking spoons transfers the power of the people who licked them to you. It’s like you captured their souls or something.
8. You can now predict the future with 100% certainty. Go ahead and tell everyone what you think is going to happen or not happen. It’ll be right.
9. During the quarantine, your brain has developed faster and become stronger than scientists and epidemiologists. You can now override their concerns by making your own calculations and charts, all done in your mind in two seconds. Your brain is that powerful now.
10. Your judgment when drinking alcohol is almost perfect. You make great choices and are super fun to be around.
11. Pool water, when it comes in contact with your skin, emits a healing vapor that covers you and everyone in the area with a protective coating.
*We believe strongly that making shit up counts as a degree of certitude.
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.