 There are a lot of reasons people do elections, but I think one of the most important reasons is to elect people. I wanted to write this column today to urge readers of the Intergalactic Business Report to elect me, which you would do by voting for me instead of other people.
Let me explain how that works: instead of choosing someone else when you vote, you vote for me. Oh, and I want to be president, so choose that one. Anyway… Here are seven reasons you should do that. 1. Voting for me is considered “cool” and trendy. After your vote for me, people will be like, “Who did you vote for?” And you can say, “Ed Mountaineer,” and they’ll say something like, “Oh, are you rich and know celebrities now or something?” 2. You know what my penis looks like. Can you say that about other candidates? Think about the peace of mind you could have by saying to yourself, “Yup, that’s the President of the United States and I know exactly what his dick looks like.”* 3. News flash: everyone is voting for Ed Mountaineer now. You should do that too. There’s stuff on the news about this. It just flashed you. 4. Think about the relief you’ll feel when you leave the voting booth and can scream that you voted for me to all the other voters as they change their minds and vote for me too. I’m being told that’s illegal, so whisper that in a loud whisper to everyone. Oh, I guess don’t do that either. So how the fuck is everyone going to know what to do? They may not even know how to spell my name unless you tell them. Fuck this. This is hard. 5. Now I’m pissed off and don’t even want to write reason number five. I think my anger started on point number four (above) when someone told me I can’t tell people to shout my name at a polling station. Freedom of speech. That’s all I’m saying. 6. I was hoping to get to seven reasons, but now I feel like I’m done writing. Goodbye. 7. Blank. *This one only applies to the people who have seen my penis. If you haven’t seen it, that’s weird, but I guess then there are only six reasons you should vote for me. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at ed@intergalacticbiz.com. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here. Scientific report: 7 reasons there is a 100% chance we are living in a computer simulation.10/26/2020  In case you are dumb and don’t read anything, there is a scientific theory that says we all might be living in a computer simulation made up by aliens. In this scenario, we are not even real, but essentially video game characters being played by a space creature who thinks it’s funny to make us drop our keys and spill coffee on ourselves.
Some scientists say the chances of us living in such a simulation could be as high as 50%, but a new study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report moves that number much higher—to 100%. How can we be so sure? We outline 7 indisputable reasons from our report. 7 REASONS WHY THERE IS A 100% CHANCE WE ARE LIVING IN A SIMULATION: REASON ONE: Nobody would masturbate this much in real life. REASON TWO: A non-computer simulated version of you couldn’t possibly suck so much. REASON THREE: Lord Starborg 32 is the greatest ruler in the history of the Starborgian Empire. REASON FOUR: It’s not really possible to accidentally shit when you sneeze. But somehow you do it all the time. REASON FIVE: How is the name “COVID-19” not something made up by aliens? COVID-19 is the name of an asteroid, not a virus, right? REASON SIX: Why else would we type penis penis penis penis penis penis penis? REASON SEVEN: We just received a brain message to stop writing this article or we’ll be turned into one of the Super Mario Brothers. We’re thinking that’s a good thing?  The Intergalactic Business Report relies on science and scientific data and science, so when someone approaches us and says he can seduce anyone in the world 97% of the time, we listen.
A man who simply goes by the name, “The Master,” sat down with us to explain his system for attracting and retaining the world’s most desirable, physically attractive people (if that’s what you’re into. He can get ugly people too, he promises). Below are excerpts from a seven-hour (and change) exchange.* INTERVIEWER: Let me start out with a little skepticism. Why do you call yourself, “The Master”? THE MASTER: It’s the title my students chose for me. INTERVIEWER: You have students? Like a pedophile or something? THE MASTER: No. Not like a pedophile. Like a teacher. INTERVIEWER: Oh. THE MASTER: They gave me the name because they consider me to be a master of the art of seduction. INTERVIEWER: I’ve heard you use that word several times. Seduction. I’m not familiar with it, but if I had to guess it’s one of those combo words where it means suction and sedatives? THE MASTER: What? INTERVIEWER: Like you knock people out with a drug and then suck their dicks? THE MASTER: No. No. Nothing like that. INTERVIEWER: It’s your word, man. THE MASTER: No. It’s not my word. It’s a very well-known word. Everyone knows it. INTERVIEWER: Fine. Whatever. I’m just saying I would never drug someone and then suck his dick. I guess do what you need to do. THE MASTER: But that’s not what I do. INTERVIEWER: You get them drunk then? That’s still a drug. Technically. THE MASTER: (Getting angry, like an angry man who drugs people and sucks their dicks) No! For the last time, I don’t do that. I use my mind. Not drugs. Not alcohol. INTERVIEWER: Fine. Whatever. THE MASTER: It’s just that when you say things like that, it could ruin my reputation. People will think things about me that aren’t true. INTERVIEWER: How do you suck someone’s dick with your mind? I don’t get it. THE MASTER: I don’t suck anyone’s dick! INTERVIEWER: Then you’re not very good at this, are you? THE MASTER: I’m leaving. INTERVIEWER: To go find some drugs and dicks? THE MASTER: (Gets up to go find drugs and dicks) You’re a horrible person. (We had planned for this to be a several part interview. That didn’t work out.) *Maybe more like 7 minutes.  The other side of the apology ball is not sorry at all. A friend, a colleague, or maybe a spouse screwed up. And now you await their apology. You hope it’s sincere and authentic, but you worry that maybe a little passive aggression is slipping in.
The Intergalactic Business Report interviewed leading psychologists* who analyzed common phrases people use when apologizing but don’t really mean it. Below, we have collected the top eleven. If someone apologizes using any of these openings, beware. They’re not really sorry. 1. “I accept zero responsibility for anything.” 2. “Fuck you I didn’t do it.” 3. “My penis apologizes for being too large.” 4. “Excuse me while I don’t apologize to you for shit.” 5. “I’m sorry you can’t fit my giant dick in your mouth while I tell you I’m not sorry.” 6. “I have an apology for you in my pants and it’s my penis. I hope you’ll accept it.” 7. “I found this note in the apology jar. Nope it’s not for you.” 8. “I am sorry for metaphorically and literally dick-slapping you in the face.” 9. “I hope you can understand English when I say that I’m totally not sorry.” 10. “Let me explain myself in a story about a sea captain who came home one day and didn’t apologize.” 11. “I’m not sorry? What? Did someone say something? Wait…. I think I heard it… Someone said he’s not sorry. Who said that? Oh. It was me.” *Some dudes. In a bar. It’s hard to remember. There was a fight. We think. It started when we asked them to say they were fucking sorry for something. Can’t remember what. Anyway…  Texts. You get them. But not all of them are good. If you receive any of these, delete them immediately or you’ll be sorry.
“Hey Brad. It’s Satan again. Been trying to reach you man. What up? Can you talk for a sec?” “Need your address so I can find where to murder you. Hit me back ASAP.” “This is mom. Can you bring me some condoms so I can have sex with random men?” “Hey bro. Hope you can help me out. I’m just starting out in a gang and need to kill someone random to get in. Text back for details.” “Need your penis cut off? Call me.” “Hey cutie. Ima Russian model who wants to hook up with you. I’m super into ugly dudes who suck at everything.”* “Dear sir. I would respectfully request the privilege of transferring my royal bank account to your Nintendo Switch. “ “Type YES to automatically shit your pants.” “Got your number from your mom. Can you bring over some condoms?” *Actually, go ahead and answer this one.  After money, your health is the most important asset you have. But did you know that at any moment you could drop dead or be carrying a deadly disease even though you feel perfectly fine? Rather than live in constant fear, hear what doctors* have to say about your impending death as we outline 8 “red flag” symptoms that spell out your doom.
Do you have any of these? No? Really? Check again. Now do you have them? If you do, you’re probably going to die. But you may have a shot of making it to the hospital if you catch them early enough. Here they are: 1. One of your arms falls off. Call 911 with the hand on your other arm. 2. When you breathe, you see a ghost offering you his hand and then he disappears till you breathe again. It’s kind of like a game you two share. Not a fun game though because it never ends and he doesn’t look like the kind of person you’d want to hold hands or go anywhere with. 3. A bunch of your dead relatives are cooking stuff but you’re not hungry at all. It’s like you don’t need food anymore or something. 4. Your head catches on fire and then explodes as you leave your house and walk to your car. It’s super hard to live without a head. 5. When you look in the mirror, you see yourself, but when you make movements, the mirror image stays still, or, even worse, it’s you, but you have a mustache. And you’re doing that dance where someone got you to dance at a party and you did it because you were too embarrassed to be the guy who “doesn’t dance” but then people start looking at you because you’re kind of humping the air and now you’re alone and a circle is forming around you, but not in a good way—more like observing an injured animal and wondering what to do. 6. You’re in a snowball fight and you’re laughing and then you realize you just threw your penis at someone. Ask for it back before you go to the ER. 7. You start to say something and a serpent slithers out of your mouth. You also start calling snakes “serpents.” 8. Somebody from your past recognizes you and says you died in 1978. And you say, “What? 1978 was so out of sight! No way did I die that year.” And then you ask him if he has your tickets to the Bee Gees concert because you’re going there right after you drag race your Camaro at Death Cliff Point. *Doctors are people just like anyone else. So in a way, anyone is a doctor if he’s also a person. Why even use the label “doctor” anyway? Just say “some guy” instead. As in “You should never ignore these 8 red flag symptoms according to some guy.”  It’s waiting. But you’re holding it in. You wince in pain as you imagine releasing it on people in the conference room, checkout line, or the DMV. Why are you doing this to yourself?
Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer makes a profound plea to simply let out your fart. Dear readers: I am farting as I write this. You should too. I feel like you know this. That you understand the only way to move forward is to let it go and just fart. Fart like you don’t care about shitting your pants and like you want to see how loud it can be before the room erupts in chaos. They told you not to fart. Your mom. Your teachers. Your driver’s ed instructor. And you listened to them. Till now. Because now is your time to express yourself through a fart so profuse and stultifying that it takes an almost human form as it burns through the room like a shooting star of mystery vapor excrement. You’ve waited for this moment even though you didn’t know there was a moment like this to be waited for. It’s the time in your life where you ride the line between destroying yourself in a job interview and making a French horn sound with your anus that intrigues music lovers until they slowly pass out from the brutal after stench and shock. I’m waiting. Did you fart yet? O.K. Let’s try this again. Your fart is a car, revving its engine and waiting in a closed garage. If you don’t let it out, you will die of carbon monoxide poisoning, so open your butt garage and drive out before it’s too late. You get one shot at this. Unless it’s the kind of fart that reverberates and causes a chain of farts. In that case, you have like three or four shots at it. One more reason: an old man once told me, on his deathbed, that the one thing he regretted most was not having unleashed a massive fart in a public setting. He died fartless. Don’t make the same mistake. In closing, I just farted. There were people around me. I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at ed@intergalacticbiz.com. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  Those longing eyes. The pulled back ears. The detailed instructions to kill people. For years it has been a mystery what canine behavior actually means. But in a recent scientific study using brain scans* the Intergalactic Business Report may have just gotten closer to answering the question of what your dog really thinks of you.
We studied brain activity in a sample of dogs and watched as lights lit up on screens in front of us, indicating scientific truth we had not been aware of. Our interpretation of flashing lights and computer screens led us to some stunning conclusions and insights, including the ability to actually read dogs’ thoughts. We know. It’s something where we should win the Nobel Peace Prize or something? Anyway… Read what we discovered: Dogs fucking hate us. Let’s get this one out of the way first. All the dogs we studied said the same thing. That they see us as prison guards who hide food from them and lie. They also think we’re mentally slow. Many of the dogs remarked that the constant, obsessive talk about how they’re “such a good boy” followed by the incessant question about whether they know and understand that, was an indicator of low intelligence or dementia. What’s with the fucking leash? This was the reply most of them had when asked, “What is the one question you’d like humans to answer?” This was slightly ahead of, “Why do they watch my butthole when I poop?” When they pull back their ears it’s dog language for, “You are a twat.” We asked them if “twat” could be substituted for another word and they all said no. Twat is super specific in this case. Barking is a way of mocking us. When dogs bark, they are imitating us, but in a sarcastic way. Said one dog, “When I look out the window, start barking, and then look back at you, I’m really saying, ‘Hey, prison guard, look at me! I can yell at stupid shit too! Look! I’m you!’” Most of them see their existence with you like a prolonged alien abduction. They added that they’d prefer being captured by real aliens even if it meant getting the ass probe. When you sleep, they get excited you may finally be dead. But you’re not. So… The next day it’s back to “Who’s a good boy” and watching their buttholes. They think you suck at sex. Especially doggy style. They think that’s super funny and they lose their shit when they say that. We felt kind of uncomfortable, honestly, because it isn’t that funny and we could kind of see it coming. But we guess dog humor is pretty basic? *Brain scans are scientific.  How you talk and what you say have a serious effect on what others think of you, a new study by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals. Using intelligent words can make you sound smart or even not stupid, while using the following common utterances will scientifically* make you sound less intelligent:
PHRASE/WORD: “Duh…” REASON YOU SHOULDN’T SAY THIS: Starting your sentences with the word “duh” might seem like a good idea, because while you’re saying it, you have an extra second for your brain to think of something to say. Unfortunately, many people associate the sound “duh” with being dumb. PHRASE/WORD: “Me go poopie in my pants.” REASON YOU SHOULDN’T SAY THIS: You’re just trying to tell the others in your conversation that you’re about to take a dump in your pants, and you would think this would be seen as a common courtesy. However, our study found that many people associate announcing your bowel movement and then having it as you stand there staring at everyone, with mental illness and yes, being less intelligent. PHRASE/WORD: “AAAAAAARHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” REASON YOU SHOULDN’T SAY THIS: Screaming at people in the middle of a conversation can be interpreted as an inability to say words or express your thoughts. Even though you probably mean well and are simply trying to emphasis a point or let others know that you are threatened in some way and might hurt them if they don’t run, shouting in this manner will not win you “smart points” with your friends or colleagues. PHRASE/WORD: “Your name likes boobies!” REASON YOU SHOULDN’T SAY THIS: While it seems reasonable to tell someone your likes and preferences so that they understand you better, our study indicates that this particular phrase leads people to think you are not very bright because the perception is that intelligent people, although thinking the same thought, keep it to themselves. PHRASE/WORD: “I took an IQ test and I got a 68.” REASON YOU SHOULDN’T SAY THIS: When you reveal the results of your IQ test and it is at the very dumb level, people believe right away that you are indeed very very dumb, even if you feel you aren’t and were actually bragging. PHRASE/WORD: “PFFFFFFFFFFFT….” (Made by putting your lips together and making a farting sound. REASON YOU SHOULDN’T SAY THIS: Amazingly, many people still don’t see the humor in this and say they are offended when saliva hits them in the face. Although we stand by this as a scientific indicator or human excellence and intelligence, the perception is the opposite, and if you do this regularly in conversation, you are likely a misunderstood genius type person. *Science is true.  The Intergalactic Business Report’s fitness expert, Jonny Ripkin, creator of the Shred and Fed Diet is back with some advice if you didn’t reach your goals this summer.
WHO I AM: I’m Jonny Ripkin, a fitness expert whose body is exactly what you wish you had but you don’t. WAS THAT HARSH? Yes. And I did that on purpose. I pointed out that the body you have is not the body you want. But I also pointed out that even if you did have the body you want, you couldn’t have it, because that would be my body and two people can’t occupy the same body. I tell my clients and friends this because it shows them that no matter how hard they try, they can never get what they want. “WAIT, JONNY. DID YOU JUST SAY I CAN WORK AS HARD AS I WANT AND NEVER GET THE BODY I WANT?” Yes I did. Whatever you do, it will never be enough unless you could somehow become me, which would involve penetrating my dojo and beating me in some kind of highlander battle, and even then it wouldn’t work because how would you physically get inside my body after you defeated me (which you could never do)? “HOLD UP, JONNY. DOES THIS MEAN I SUCK?” Yes. As far as fitness and how great your body looks you suck. But just compared to me. BUT WAIT. THERE’S HOPE. I wouldn’t write this whole thing just to discourage you from reaching your dreams. All I’m saying is that your dreams can’t include matching me in any way. But you can have little dreams that are totally doable. YOU WASTED THE PANDEMIC AND GOT FATTER EVEN THOUGH YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE. Just a comment. SO, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO TO LOSE WEIGHT? I look at a lot of my clients and think, “This fat piece of shit actually got off the couch and walked in here. That means he can walk.” That’s a start. And if you can walk, you may be able to fast walk and even jog a little before you go into cardiac arrest. And it’s in those moments between sitting on your couch and having the paramedics arrive that your body is burning fat and building muscle. “THAT SOUNDS PRETTY GRIM, JONNY,” YOU’RE WHINING RIGHT NOW. Yes, your impending death is something you deal with every day and I’m sorry (I guess?). It’s not really any of my business so I try to stay out of that. ANY ADVICE, JONNY? Yes. Manage your goals. For a lot of people, being in shape just isn’t their thing. It’s like being attractive or smart or successful. It may not be for you. So don’t be ashamed. Just follow my biggest piece of advice, coming up next… MATCH YOUR DREAM WITH YOUR ABILITY. Kind of like Marxism (I think), you should only be judged on your need and ability. In your case, you need to lose weight, but you don’t have the ability. Is that how that works? My editor’s always telling me I need to get deeper and sound more “philosophical.” I think I accomplished that here. WHAT’S THE FINAL MESSAGE I WANT TO SAY TO YOU? Just believe in yourself. Stop judging. I think you’re beautiful (that message is just for hot chicks, so ignore if you’re not). You don’t need to be anybody to anyone except your fat self. That’s good enough. It’s not like they’re rounding up fat people. It’s not against the law or anything. Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at info@intergalacticbiz.com. |
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