Inflation. War. Hollywood writers not getting paid enough money. These are the defining crises humanity faces today. As we stare at our televisions and can only watch reruns and reruns of reruns, society begins to understand just how important television and movie writers are in our lives. Without them, we are left to construct our own stories, dialogues, and thoughts, and that just, well, sucks.
In solidarity with paid writers who are part of a union we don’t belong to because nobody would pay for the crap we write, the Intergalactic Business Report looks at what we are losing without Hollywood writers in our lives. As long as they’re on strike, the world will be missing the locked-in creativity that brings us:
1. Characters who eagerly await something and then say, “Show time!” just before it happens.
2. Special forces, ex special forces, navy seals, former navy seals, and special forces characters who are so special they’re in every show and movie.
3. Complex characters who “would do anything to protect their families” and then threaten the mafia, throw away their guns, go home, and are surprised the mafia has kidnapped their family.
4. Male characters who are devastated that their wives cheated on them till they figure out it was their own fault for driving her away and then apologize because that’s what real people do.
5. Aliens who are bugs with no hands—just tentacles and shit—who are also able to construct spaceships and fly around the universe.
6. Incredibly obese mafia guys who no one is able to outrun.
7. Five-foot-three females who are able to defeat six-foot-three, athletic men by destroying them with a front kick to their chest.
8. Twenty-six-year-old New Yorkers who live in 2600 square foot lofts in Manhattan and are “writers.”
9. Characters who drive mint condition 1977 Ford Broncos.
10. Wooden bowl “artists” who live on a house boat in Sausalito (and, see above, drive a mint condition 1977 Ford Bronco).
11. Female characters who tell male characters that they “clean up nice” when they see them wearing a suit.
12. Zany best friend sidekicks who are caricatures of gay men and devote themselves to serving boring straight white women and say things like, “Girlfriend, you need a glass of wine and a man!”
13. Storylines where someone becomes “internet famous” and “goes viral.”
14. Most trusted confidante/best friend/business partner who is actually the bad guy/saboteur/killer.
15. Cool people who live in trailers.
16. Characters whose only purpose is to read the main character’s bio: “Harvard law… Top of your class… Graduated at 17 and joined the marines… 27 missions in Afghanistan… Five purple hearts… Fluent in six languages… How does someone like you end up driving an ice cream truck in upstate New York?”
17. Child characters who inexplicably wander away, complain, or give away hiding spots until you kind of wonder why their parents even love them.
18. Saucy rogues who are also pilots.
19. Racially diverse street gangs.
20. Period pieces where someone in the 1920’s says, “shit happens” or a 13th century Lord rewards a peasant for “thinking outside the box.”
21. Scenes of women drinking wine, pouring wine, talking about wine, handing each other glasses of wine, or receiving a glass of wine and saying, “you must have read my mind.”
22. Children who are the “most important thing in the world” to their police detective single parent, but then all but disappear in later episodes when they are with grandpa, a sitter, or just never talked about again.
23. Characters who explain scientific principles to another character who says, “I know all that. I’m a theoretical physicist,” and then you figure out they’re actually just explaining it to your dumb ass.
24. Two minute and forty-seven second sex scenes that you fast forward through because we have porn nowadays.
25. Zero body fat characters who meet each other and go somewhere to eat cheeseburgers and drink beer because they’re “real” people who don’t spend five hours a day in the gym and eat a grapefruit to stay alive.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.