Thanksgiving 2020 is a lot different than I expected. Let me start with that. I realize many of you have assumptions about what it’s like for a “privileged” kid with a trust fund around the holidays but I can tell you right now you’re probably wrong.
On most Thanksgivings we keep it simple and traditional at my house. We have a turkey and stuffing and all the things you probably have in your home. We have our annoying relatives over. We even watch football. So before you start saying, “Oh, I bet your Thanksgiving is in a huge house with a butler and you don’t even have to cook the food yourself because you make a poor person skip Thanksgiving to make your food,” just think about how my family employs that butler and that cook who can’t spend time with their families on the holidays but also have jobs, which is better.
On this Thanksgiving though, we can’t do what we normally do. And you probably can’t either, although I’m not judgy and understand you may be part of one of those COVID hives where people with no shirts breathe on each other and drink Miller High Life at a pool. That’s your life and you don’t know any better. I get that.
For me, it’s a different story. It’s a story about responsibility and following science. We’ve all heard by now that we shouldn’t have a bunch of people over for the holidays. For my family there are a lot of upsides to that, like not having to deal with my step-uncle who’s kind of hot but kind of also not part of our family anymore because he’s divorced from my aunt but he still comes over because he likes to see me. It’s just inappropriate, according to my aunt, but she’s kind of a bitch and also her ex-husband is into me so it’s not like she’s being totally honest about anything.
Then there are the downsides, and that’s really what I wanted to write about today. There are so many, but I narrowed it down to five. They will totally surprise all the haters out there who think I’m shallow and don’t care about other humans.
1. Servants have to wear masks around us. I hate seeing other people have to cover themselves while I do whatever I want. It’s not fair. How is it OK that I can breathe on them or yell at them when they screw up and they just have to sit there and take it? I’ll bet you didn’t know I even thought about this stuff, but it breaks my heart because I’m sensitive. It also sucks because it’s creepy as shit, like they all work at a funeral home or something and I can’t see if they’re laughing at me or making faces. It’s weird. I hate it.
2. How can I help poor people if I need to stay inside all day? I know, right?
3. Being in a warm, safe home that could probably house 20 families makes me sad for how many people are cold and unsafe. Think about the stress of sitting comfortably in a mansion and knowing that there are people out there who not only don’t live in mansions, but also probably live in wherever you live. That must suck. I’m sorry. I really am sorry.
4. I can eat as much as I want, but I won’t because I don’t want to get fat. On the contrary, you probably eat as much as you can and don’t care about getting fat. I envy you.
5. I’m taken care of for life and there’s not anything I could do to ruin that. I guess that would seem comforting (if you’re me) but something about it also makes me sad. Maybe because I’m just moody today or something. I get like that sometimes.
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving!
Haley Debaron has a trust fund. It makes her rich. Probably richer than you and we don’t even know you. There’s nothing more to say really, than that. You can contact Haley at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.