Are you one of those people who’s into horror movies? We mean, really really into them? To the point at which you bother everyone you know about how they need to see some “classic” film they’ve never heard of and you won’t stop moving your blowhole till they uncomfortably leave the room and consider what they’re going to say to human resources about your repeated, long rants about whatever it is you’re talking about?
If so, then this article is for you. Bury any of the even mild self-awareness you have about how fucking annoying you are to every person around you (including old people who go to the doctor just so someone will touch them). The Intergalactic Business Report breaks open the vault of some of the most obscure and little-known horror films that you need to see today so that tomorrow you can make everyone’s life hell by raving about them.
Below are six horror classics you need to see before Halloween:
1. Mr. Margrove’s puppy tails (1923). In this 1923 silent German flick, a monsterish man collects tails from puppy dogs. While we don't see how he gets them, he spends most of the film holding the tails and dancing around. This was obviously filmed before there was any issue with animal cruelty, but an epilogue states that the “tails” are actually just pieces of yarn, made to look like animal appendages. That makes sense because they definitely don't look like tails. They look like yarn. The film runs three hours and thirty-seven minutes.
2. Beefcake Brett (1986). In this frightening remake of 1947’s, “Very Fit Connor,” Brett Studly is a workout machine who feels the burn as much as he delivers it to his victims. Brett travels from gym to gym pushing his clients to accept that there is no gain without significant pain. As the film progresses, Brett’s workout students become healthier and stronger. One of them even grows muscles that rival Brett’s! No one dies in this one, but there is a chilling undertone that maybe a weight will slip or a spotter will be neglectful and someone will be crushed. Luckily for everyone, that never happens.
3. Ahhrgh! (date unknown). Filmed somewhere in a foreign country, the date and plot of this movie are unknown or unintelligible. The title was given based on the only words that were discernable to the American distributor. From what we can tell, the story focuses on a man who screams a lot and doesn’t leave his room. This might just be footage of someone in a mental hospital in 1963.
4. Bright Lights Big Titties (1987). This is a porn. But the acting is terrifying.
5. My little Skeevkamp (1953). This Norwegian entry centers around a schoolboy named Arnold Skeevkamp who annihilates and destroys his placement exam. His test-taking skills are so brutal that on his last three answers, it looks like the page might catch on fire. But it doesn’t. Skeevkamp massacres the test and goes on to torture his college professors with his genius questions which leave their brains writhing in pain as they struggle for answers. This is a great film for connoisseurs of “smart student horror.”
6. Blood House (1973). In this chiller, housewife Mary Moonhaven decides to choose the paint color for the exterior of her house… Without her husband’s approval. Sure, this one is a little dated, and you may cringe when you see the sexism of the time it was made, but you also will feel strangely that Mary’s husband is correct in demanding that she not make decisions without him because she paints the house blood red and it looks fucking awful.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.