Germany has a reputation for uptight people who also perpetually drink beer, which kind of doesn’t make sense… Until you get there and see all those up tight drunk people. Navigating this awkward culture takes skill and discipline so the Intergalactic Business Report breaks down the secrets to communicating with Germans so that they basically fall in love with you instantly.
1. When you enter a store, simply raise your hand and say “Heil Hitler.” Yes, we understand this could be considered a Nazi salute… If it were 1945! Nowadays, most Germans say this as a light-hearted joke or have completely forgotten its original meaning as a way to praise the Fuhrer and all of his racist, world-taking over stuff.
2. Cut in line. Germans respect decisiveness and confidence, and what says this more than jumping ahead of a bunch of them while they wait patiently (and weakly) for food, a train, a museum, or really anything?
3. Ask if they have any American beer. Then, when they say no, just tell them, “well, I can’t drink this German crap.” Group laughter will fill the room, biergarten, and your heart immediately.
4. Pretend you understand their language, and then say “Geshundheit” in response to anything they say.
5. When you go to a grocery store, Germans will test you at the checkout counter by not bagging your groceries. To win this challenge, simply stare at the clerk and say: “Bag this shit for me. Now!”
6. If you’re in Bavaria and see someone wearing Lederhosen, challenge him to a beer drinking contest. Bet a large amount of cash that he can’t keep up with you and then go on and on about how you’re American and can drink more than anyone and blah blah blah. If a crowd starts to gather, it just means that they love the U.S. and want to support you.
7. Do the “Schnitzel Face.” Just order schnitzel at any restaurant. When it arrives, cut holes in it for your eyes and mouth and wear it on your face. Stand up and announce: “Ich bin der Schnitzel face!” and the owner will have to give you your meal for free.
8. Hand out U.S.A flags. Germans love the United States and if they see you coming, they’ll probably ask for a souvenir. Since it’s difficult to carry around huge Uncle Sam hats and tee-shirts that say “America,” just carry around a bunch of little flags. Watch their faces glow with delight as you shove them into their hands.
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