9 NYC travel hacks that will make those dirty water hot dog eaters "fugget about" you being a tourist.
New York. It’s the city where people who sound like they’re deaf yell at each other from their crappy apartment windows while wearing muscle shirts.
If you’re taking a trip to this center of garbage castles and John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever, you need to know a few things first so that you don’t look like a total tourist.
The Intergalactic Business Report offers you nine severely useful travel hacks that will make native New Yorkers think you too are comfortable yelling at people from your crappy apartment window and contributing to a garbage pile out front, all while you wear a “raging bull” wife beater that you just spilled spaghetti sauce on.
Here they are:
1. New Yorkers love eye contact. Try to make it and never break it and you’ll win their hearts. Do this with people walking by you or just with hot dog vendors.
2. If you go to Little Italy, assume they’re filming a movie about the mafia (see number seven) and you’re in it. Make up a character, like Little Jonny Two Shots (because you always kill people with two, not one, shots) and accost restaurant owners and other cast members on the street and ask them where your money is. If you’re good enough, they’ll keep you in the movie.
3. If you take a cab, wait for the driver to ask where you’re going. Then say, “your mother’s house. And step on it, 'cause she’s super horny and won’t stop calling me.” Most cabbies will die of laughter and may even give you a free ride. It’s just so fucking funny to tell people that you’re sleeping with their mom, you know?
4. The higher the train number the more prestigious it is. Never take a “1” or “2” train. Try to take like a “20” or at least a “10.”
5. Most New Yorkers will agree they are trapped and limited by their choice of pizza and a welcomed conversation topic is always about how much better say, Chicago style pizza is than the awful flabby slices they have to endure. A great way to engage them is to find one eating pizza and simply say, “yeah, New York pizza sucks, right?” They’ll immediately begin furious head nodding and go on forever about how sucky it is in great detail.
6. The greatest museum in New York is Madame Tussaud’s. Look no further. The other ones are filled with nonsense.
7. Most people in New York are members of a crime family, so if you want to strike up a conversation with one of them, just kind of allude to the fact that you’re a hitman. This will gain you instant respect. If they ask you details, just threaten to murder them like you did all your “victims.” (You can also just try number nine, below.)
8. Piggy back riding is a popular way of traveling for New Yorkers. It works like this: You ride on someone’s (anyone’s) back until he or she gets tired. Then you get off and let someone ride on your back. You can do this all over the city and the key is to just do it. If you ask for a ride, they will recognize you as a tourist immediately, so find a strong looking person and hop on for a few blocks.
9. If you’re uncomfortable calling yourself a hitman, just make some shit up because everyone in New York has a stupid, impossible job that makes no sense. Just say you own a “sponge lifestyle brand” or are into “art diffusement.” It doesn’t matter, because no one will even ask you questions.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.