The Intergalactic Business Report offers a new special series encouraging readers to take time to not only walk in other people’s shoes, but also to step in dog shit and then clean it off.
We begin our series with a focus on Americans. Below, we enlighten you with 9 reasons it’s hard to be an American. The next time you come across one, please be sensitive and kind.
1. Nobody ever says, “Death to Finland.”
2. British actors take all the good t.v. and movie roles with their fake American accents.
3. When you enter a foreign McDonalds and order a “fucking Big Mac” the people look at you funny and then the fucking Big Mac doesn’t taste the same as it does in America.
4. When Americans are abroad they have to eat crappy ketchup the foreigners make. Seriously, you guys can’t figure out how to make ketchup?!
5. Camouflage Crocs are almost always sold out and Americans have to choose other colors or wait, which we’re never going to do, right? So we end up with orange Crocs. Or white ones. But we really wanted the camo Crocs.
6. At the Olympics, we have to add stupid sports that only really crappy countries are good at so they can feel good about winning something. Woo hoo. A gold medal in “crunch jumping.” Congratulations, Andorra!
7. After the Olympics, three Americans decide to learn crunch jumping and beat the shit out of the Andorrans. Then we have to let in another stupid sport. The Faroe Islands have a great “wiggle waggle” team and they’re great at killing whales. Look for those in 2020.
8. Now that pot is becoming legal everywhere, Americans are forced to pretend like all the crap they said about how smoking pot was bad for you was wrong and that now it’s good for you and cures diseases instead of just makes you want to listen to Pink Floyd in your parents’ basement.
9. The American male penis is up to four inches larger than European penises according to a recent survey of American men. How can American men have reasonable conversations with European men without constantly being distracted by how much bigger their dicks are?
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.