Was Jesus fat? New research could change history, the bible, and maybe even the afterlife.

Maybe he didn’t make those loaves and fishes all for himself, but new research commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report suggests that the historic Jesus was most likely massively overweight, especially for his time. This discovery further solidifies a theory that for decades has been buried owing to its controversial nature. 
 
The study clocks in at a hefty (Jesus-like) 2,036 pages (double-spaced), and may finally settle the issue on Jesus’s weight of around 300 pounds on a five-foot-seven and a half frame. Scholars contend that if Jesus were indeed morbidly obese, it could alter the way we view history, religion, and the nature of heaven and hell. Below we summarize the 11 most gripping concerns this report presents:
 
11 ways Fat Jesus changes everything:
 
1. When the second coming arrives, Jesus will probably want to hit a Wendy’s before he passes judgment on humanity. 

2. Speaking of passing judgment, the sin of gluttony will be replaced by the sin of "passing an Arby's."

3. Sales trainer Andy Elliot will need to stop asking people to take their shirts off and get a six pack unless he wants to constantly face the seminar-ending comeback of, “Would you say that to Jesus?” 

4. Instead of limiting communion to a sip of wine and a wafer, a taco bar will be installed next to church alters. 

5. The question of “What would Jesus do?” is answered now with: “Eat late night taco bell and leftover birthday cake.” 

6. Instead of using righteousness and the power of good, Jesus can defeat the devil with an “extreme weight takedown” by just jumping on his back and holding on till old Screwtape is crushed. 

7. Jesus saves… a stash of Snickers bars in his nightstand. 

8. “Jesus, you’re fat,” “Jesus, did you eat everything in the fridge?” and “Jesus, you need to lose some fucking weight,” are now insulting messages directly to God and not things you just say to roommate Phil Ratuliak. 

9. Spreading the word of Jesus is still the number one priority. But spreading the peanut butter for Jesus is now number two. 

10. Jesus is real… Fat. 

​11. And Jesus said to Paul, “Are you gonna finish that?”

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