“Coming out” sexually is passé. Here’s the new trend in personal confessions.

"You're what?"

​Once considered courageous, coming out sexually has become ordinary and, dare we say, boring. “Coming out” used to be the culmination of years of agony, secrets, and misunderstanding, but today it is more like a gender reveal party in which participants guess what sex stuff you’re into and when you tell them, they’re like, “Oh, I was hoping for Orangutan molester.”
 
As a publication consistently ahead of trend, the Intergalactic Business Report introduces its readers to what we feel will be the most common lifestyle confessions friends and family will make to one another in coming years. Get ready to hear these, give a hug, and tell them you’d love them no matter what.
 
“I’m an asshole.”  
Be prepared to console your little brother when he confirms what you suspected for years—that he’s a degenerate piece of shit but couldn’t help it because he was born that way. 
 
“I have a full loaf of bread in my butt.”
So that’s what it was all this time. A loaf of fucking bread. In her butt. That explains everything.
 
“I perform experimental surgery on dead hobos.”
Imagine the shame and embarrassment that our culture puts on those who find the bodies of homeless people and try their hand at operating on them. Make sure you tell your wife that you understand why she was gone all those late nights and that it must have been dangerous for her to troll under bridges for dead bodies. Volunteer to do it with her so she can be whole again. Then when she finds her next subject, you can be like, “Wait a minute, those hobos are alive,” and she can be like, “Not for long.”
 
“I have non-sexual, non-consensual penis sword fights with rodents in my back yard.”
This is why your older brother never married. Because he lost so many fights and could never be with a woman. Time to hug it out.
 
“I’m into dinosaurs. Like really into dinosaurs.”
At some point, you stopped asking your youngest his favorite creature from the Mesozoic Era. Now he’s 35. You may question why he didn’t go into paleontology or something, but he just means he likes to fuck dinosaurs, not study them or whatever. And then you ask him, “When have you ever fucked a dinosaur?” And he’s like, “Never, that’s the problem.”*
 
“I’m a sarcastic bitch.”
All those times your little sister said she liked something, gave you a compliment, or told you she’d love to help you out, were lies. Deep down, you always felt like something was off when she talked to you like a condescending asshole, but you just went with it. Now she has the courage to admit that all along she was just a sarcastic bitch and could never tell you because you were such great, perfect person who didn’t have any fucked up problems of his own and just needed to be left alone so he could get back to his super important job that made him all that money and prestige.
 
*We guess this belongs in the “coming out sexually” category, under dino-fucker.

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