Four things to say if you’re ever stuck at a dinner party with smart people

You hoped it would never happen, but there you are, stuck at a dinner party with smart people. Instead of trying to figure out why they call it a “party,” and worrying about how stupid everything coming from your dumb mouth sounds, just memorize these four intellectual sounding phrases, use your dumb mouth to speak them, and let the smarties squirm and discuss.

1. “Where’s the water closet?” This gives you an excuse to leave the room, possibly take a dump, and let your pointy-headed companions know that you don’t call it the crapper, head, or shit box.

2. “Do you have any Grey Poupon?” Yes, it tastes like shit, but Grey Poupon is the most exclusive mustard in the world. Asking for it will make the other guests believe you are either royalty or some kind of art collector.

3. “This whole conversation is so derivative!” Declare this and then go to the water closet to take a dump.

4. “This dinner party reminds me of a scene out of Voltaire… Twisting out of sight…” Yes, this is a Duran Duran lyric, but it sounds like it means something, right?