In business and in life, the words you use can leave an indelible impression on everyone you meet. And yet most of us say the same tired phrases, over and over, like a script we read when situations present themselves.
But when we read off that script, people judge us and we look lazy. Research shows that with a few minor tweaks, your talking game can make you sound precise, in charge, and aware. And that might get you a promotion, gain new friends, and even give you added confidence.
The Intergalactic Business Report outlines the common situations you face every day and gives you the tools to impress instead of stress. Drop your “go to” phrases, and do these instead.
SITUATION: Your boss asks if he can speak to you in his office.
YOUR GO TO PHRASE: “I don’t fuck people I work with.”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT: It’s possible your boss isn’t looking for sex.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY INSTEAD: “I probably won’t fuck you, Larry, so I’ll enter your office and shut the door behind me with the expectation that you won’t try to have sex with me.”
SITUATION: Someone is sitting near you on public transportation.
YOUR GO TO PHRASE: “I’ll suck your dick for a dollar.”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT: Prices have gone way up in this category. If you offer to suck someone’s dick for money, make it at least five dollars. If you have a purty mouth, you may be able to go as high as eleven.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY INSTEAD: “I’ll suck your dick for between five and eleven dollars.”
SITUATION: You are walking down the street and someone asks you directions.
YOUR GO TO PHRASE: “Just go behind that tree and I’ll have sex with you there.”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT: Sometimes people are just asking for directions—not sex.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY INSTEAD: “Maple street is three blocks from here. But my penis will be behind that tree in thirty-five seconds if that’s what you’re actually looking for.”
SITUATION: A telemarketer calls your phone and you answer.
YOUR GO TO PHRASE: “How am I supposed to suck your dick over the phone?”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT: Telemarketers are usually just trying to sell you stuff—not have sex with you.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY INSTEAD: “It seems impractical for us to have sex with just our voices. Can we meet somewhere and have sex? Or are you calling from India?”
SITUATION: It’s a bachelorette party, you’re drunk, and a male stripper asks if you want a lap dance.
YOUR GO TO PHRASE: “What the fuck is a lap dance? Laps can’t dance.”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT: Strippers always ask this question, and no one’s figured out what it means. You’re not going to be the first person to unravel this mystery.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY INSTEAD: “Do you serve food? Or should I call Uber Eats?”
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