Aristotle is known as the “father of wisdom,” and his insights on philosophy, science, and fantasy football* have proved so timeless that we even talk about them today. When he spoke in the agora** he commanded respect and reverence, mostly because he used five tricks for public speaking that you can use too. Here they are:
1. When possible, offer to “blow” members of your audience. This will get them on your side and have them transfixed on what you’ll say next.
2. Periodically suggest you will pull out your penis to show the audience. It helps tremendously if you also say your phallus (that’s Greek for dong) is enormous and that they won’t believe how huge it is.
3. In case they didn’t understand what you meant when you said you would “blow” them, start saying you will “suck their dicks.”
4. Use phrases that connect with your audience. For instance, “Unhhhh!” and, “I will suck your motherfucking dicks!”
5. Show your butthole. But only if the first four aren’t working.
*It was called something else back then, we assume.
**Greek for “public restroom.”
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.