If you tuned in to ABC’s the Bachelor Monday night, you witnessed Clayton Echard (pronounced Itch-Hard) take bachelorette Susie on a fairy-tale inspired date through romantic Vienna. As usual, the event included an intimate dinner at a tiny table stolen from a little girl’s tea party, in which the enormous Clayton and his I’ve-spent-sixteen-hours-of-my-life-with-you-and-I-think-I-love-you companion squeezed into a camera shot and never touched their food.
When they were done not eating, the couple waltzed (get it?) into an adjoining room and slow-danced to Chris de Burgh’s “The Lady in Red,” sung by a creepy old man at a piano nearby. Wait a second, that creepy old man is Chris de Burgh, from the 80’s, only now he’s super old and Clayton and Susie have zero idea who he is. Yet they dance on to a song they’ve probably never heard, which ends with de Burgh whispering, “I love you,” presumably to Susie, who is donning a long, flowy red dress.
After witnessing this event, culture writers at the Intergalactic Business Report immediately asked themselves the question: “How the fuck did this happen?” and, “Was Ready 4 the World not available to sing Love you Down?” Using a proprietary journalistic technique in which we ascertain information that does not exist, we recovered a transcript of the meeting that led to de Burgh being booked. We share it below:
ABC PRODUCER: Chris, thanks for meeting with us.
CHRIS DEBURGH (CBD): My pleasure.
ABC PRODUCER: First off, have you ever heard of the ABC show the Bachelor?
CBD: Hmmm. I don’t watch a lot of tely (British for television).
ABC PRODUCER: It’s a very popular show in the U.S. with versions of it airing around the world.
CBD: I still haven’t heard of it. What’s it about?
ABC PRODUCER: A man, the bachelor, dates a large group of women and each week he eliminates some until, at the end, he finds his true love and asks her to marry him.
CBD: Go on...
ABC PRODUCER: We thought you’d appear in an episode in Vienna, in which the bachelor takes a woman on a date and ends up in a room where you sing, “The Lady in Red.”
CBD: I love it. So this bachelor really likes my music, eh?
ABC PRODUCER: Uh… He probably isn’t familiar. That song is from like 1986.
CBD: Then why would you have me sing it?
ABC PRODUCER: Because his date is going to be wearing a red dress.
CBD: Oh, me gets it. (British for “I get it.”)
ABC PRODUCER: So, they’ll just walk in and you’ll be at a piano and then you start singing.
CBD: Maybe I should introduce myself first. Like say, “Hello, my name is Chris de Burgh. I have a song I wrote a while ago and I’d like to sing it for you tonight. I think it will be perfect for the occasion.”
ABC PRODUCER: Yes! Yes. That… Or, you’re just there, at the piano. And you start singing.
CBD: Aren’t they going to wonder who I am?
ABC PRODUCER: Probably. But that doesn’t matter.
CBD: It doesn’t matter who I am?
ABC PRODUCER: I mean, of course it does. Just not in this context.
CBD: Not in this context?
ABC PRODUCER: The bachelorette, the woman, is wearing a red dress. So…
CBD: Right. So the song is very fitting.
ABC PRODUCER: Exactly!
CBD: Then why not just play the song? While they dance. Why do you need me?
ABC PRODUCER: We think it would be more romantic if a 74-year-old man sang it with no explanation to the couple of who you are.
CBD: O.K. O.K. Got it. I just am there. Bam! They open the door and walk in, and I glare at them for a moment and then begin singing.
ABC PRODUCER: That’s what we need.
CBD: At the end of the song, I whisper, “I love you.” Uh, who am I saying that to?
ABC PRODUCER: We want to leave that a little open-ended, so it could mean either of them?
CBD: I see.
ABC PRODUCER: Also, we feel that because neither of these people were even born in 1986, and have no idea what the song is, they may feel the whole “I love you” thing is an ad lib, or that you’re just saying it to one of them spontaneously.
CBD: Right. As if I actually mean it in the moment.
ABC PRODUCER: Yes, this is going to be so great.
CBD: I want to mean it.
ABC PRODUCER: You want to mean it?
CBD: I want to actually fall in love with one of them before the end of the song and then announce that love.
ABC PRODUCER: Uh… O.K.
CBD: It has to be authentic.
ABC PRODUCER: Uh… Sure. Sure.
CBD: Let’s talk money.
ABC PRODUCER: We’re willing to pay you 75 Million dollars.
CBD: Deal. I love you.
ABC PRODUCER: You do?
CBD: Just practicing!
ABC PRODUCER: Wow. That really is authentic!
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