Since childhood I’ve been misled, deceived, and flat out lied to by a number of music superstars. They routinely spoke to me through devices they would plant in my house, car, and even in public places. Following their advice, believing their feelings for me, and supporting their corrupt philosophies were the greatest mistakes of my life.
Sometime later, I discovered I was not the only one to hear their voices. They have lied to millions upon millions of impressionable people. In this column, I recount the most vicious lies and misconceptions propagated by them, in the hope that some other listener will not suffer how I have.
1. Tony Orlando (and Dawn) lied to me. I finally got my courage up and decided that I wanted them. I knocked. I knocked again. And then, the final knock. Absolutely no response. It made me think about knocking twice on my pipe to just call the whole thing off, but then I started wondering what they meant by “pipe.”
2. Which brings me to Michael Jackson when he told me to beat it. I assumed he meant to masturbate freely. I still think that’s what he meant.
3. ABBA was dishonest about a few things. For example, because of them I would try to take everything whenever I won anything. I’d win at scrabble and expect sex from everyone because I was the fucking winner, right? I won at handball and tried to take my opponent’s water bottle and shorts. I won. I take it all. Right? Wrong.
4. Bob Seger is an asshole. Rock and Roll not only forgets, but it has early onset dementia.
5. Bob Marley too. I cry all the time, whether I have a woman or not. Oh, and birds don’t fucking talk or sing or whatever.
6. Duran Duran is a group of liars. I think. I don’t know. I mean, I’ve never understood what they’re talking about anyway. The reflex is a lonely child? Da fuh?
7. Billy Joel has ruined my life on many occasions. Just one example. I told her about it. I told her all my crazy dreams. Mostly the ones where the clown is chasing me and then I turn around and have sex with it. Then she called the cops and claimed she didn’t know me, even though I order coffee from her every fucking day.
8. Apparently the guy from Foreigner gets really jumpy and screams for security when you touch him in order to check to see if he has a fever of a hundred and three. Oh, and he doesn’t actually want me to show him what love is.
9. Nelly Furtado does know where her home is and she was incredibly freaked out when I tried to help her find it.
Cedric Bigglestone lives in shame and fear following his lifetime music terror experience. If you’ve been a victim of music superstars, or just want to cry with him, send a note to firstname.lastname@example.org
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