Into Star Wars? The Intergalactic Business Report has collected some of the most trended and talked about fan theories about Chewbacca, Han Solo’s pet wookie. If you haven’t heard these yet, be prepared. Some of them are out of this world... And solar system!
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY ONE: Chewbacca is Han Solo’s sex slave.
PROOF: He’s Han Solo’s pet and therefore must have sex with his master. He also has sex with people and space aliens in front of Han Solo for his enjoyment. Unbeknownst to Han Solo, Chewbacca had sex with Princess Leia. Then he lied about it by making that wailing noise he makes, which nobody understands anyway.
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY TWO: Chewbacca is Michael Myers from Halloween.
PROOF: He never speaks. Only grunts. Kills tons of people. Has murderous eyes. Fucking hates Halloween (the holiday, not the movie). Has sex with cheerleaders.
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY THREE: Chewbacca isn’t a wookie. He’s just some dude.
PROOF: Wookies are a race of creatures Chewbacca made up because he was embarrassed by his hairiness and terrible communications skills.
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY FOUR: Han Solo beats Chewbacca.
PROOF: In an outtake, we see Han Solo bring out a leash between scenes and threaten Chewbacca with it, as if to say, “I’ll whip you with this if you don’t say your lines right.”
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY FIVE: Chewbacca is married to Han Solo.
PROOF: In one scene, you can see they have matching wedding rings. Look for it.
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY SIX: Chewbacca’s crossbow weapon was given to him because Han Solo didn’t want him to have a cool pistol like his.
PROOF: Motherfucking Han Solo. It’s totally something he’d do.
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY SEVEN: The reason Chewbacca doesn’t receive a medal at the end of “A new Hope,” is because he had sex with the guy giving out the medals and it was just embarrassing to be called up on stage and face him after pounding him for like three hours straight in the bathroom in the Millenium Falcon.
PROOF: Just look at the guy’s face. Then look at Chewbacca. That says it all.
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY EIGHT: Before meeting Han Solo, Chewbacca wore clothes. Then Han Solo was like, “Nope. My pet doesn’t wear a shirt and tie. Fuck it, let’s make him naked.”
PROOF: Throughout the Star Wars movies, Chewbacca wears no clothes. Case rested.
CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY NINE: Chewbacca’s fingers are all penises.
PROOF: You can’t see them, because he’s so hairy, but yes, sure enough, they are all penises. Even his thumbs.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.