Unlike the douche bandanas of the 1980’s, the douche scarf has more purpose than just covering your head and making you look like a pirate. These scarves, which most douches now wear regularly in any season, offer warmth, softness, and instantly earned recognition as the biggest douche in the area by everyone who sees you.
To cater to douches who may want to up their game, the Intergalactic Business Report conducted a secret interview with a top douche scarf designer to get you the inside info on why they’re hot, how they can make you even douchier, and what’s next.
INTERVIEWER: So, scarves aren’t new. What makes the douche scarf different than past pieces of cloth that people wrap around their necks?
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: The douche scarf is unique in that it tends to be a little larger and longer than normal scarves, and it also can be worn in any season.
INTERVIEWER: And because of that it’s attractive to douches?
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: Kind of. You see, douches have one major objective and that’s to be noticed by other people who not just notice them, but also say, “What a fucking douche!” Our scarves accomplish that instantly, because when you see a guy wearing a stupid, big looking scarf for absolutely no reason, you can’t have any other possible reaction. So the douches win just by wearing it.
INTERVIEWER: I think I get it. If a douche isn’t wearing a scarf…
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: Then he has to work much harder to achieve douchiness in the group he’s in. He may have to talk and say something douchey, like about his car or some stupid vacation he’s taking to a place you’ve never heard of and he knows that so he waits for you to ask him, “Where’s that?” so he can tell you for the next hour while you think, “What a fucking douche!”
INTERVIEWER: So the scarf gets the message across instantly?
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: Yes. This means the douche doesn’t even need to have a Tesla or order a pretentious coffee drink or tell the waiter to cook his steak “super well done.” He just has to wear a scarf.
INTERVIEWER: Wow. Now I think I see why these scarves are so popular with total douches. Will you ever be able to top this as a douche fashion accessory?
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: We think we may be able to, but it will take a lot.
INTERVIEWER: Can you let us in on anything?
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: Since the scarves are probably the dumbest and douchiest thing we could ever think of, the only concept now floating around for the future is either larger scarves that are more like a blanket or “snuggie,” or perhaps expensive designer underwear that douches wear on the outside of their pants.
INTERVIEWER: They’d wear underwear on the outside of their pants?
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: Yes, because if you saw a guy doing that, you’d immediately think, “What a fucking douche!” and it would be over immediately. The douche wouldn’t need to grow a ridiculous civil war beard and toast people with his craft beer. He’d be the king douche of the room until someone more douchey, with more expensive underwear, arrived to challenge him.
INTERVIEWER: Douches challenge each other? Like it’s a douche battle?
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: I think we should leave that till next time.
INTERVIEWER: You’re kind of douche. Just an observation.
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: Yes, but it took you the entire interview to figure that out. If I’d been wearing the scarf….
INTERVIEWER: Right. I’d have known all along and wouldn’t have wasted my time talking to you.
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: Exactly.
INTERVIEWER: Well, thanks I guess.
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: No problem. I have a Tesla.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.