Easter officially named worst holiday ever: definitive proof just in time so you don’t need to celebrate this year.
Easter. It makes no sense. It’s about Jesus. But it’s also about a bunny. And eggs. And eating candy? Don’t celebrate this year until you read our exclusive report proving, once and for all, that Easter is the worst holiday ever. If these ten ironclad proof points don’t change your mind instantly, then you are worthless.
1. Outside of Easter, would you ever eat an egg just lying there, in your back yard? Easter tricks you into doing that and makes you become a person who finds food on the ground and starts eating it.
2. Nobody has ever had sex “because it’s Easter.”
3. Nobody ever talks about how drunk he was last Easter because he went to that awesome “Easter party” that went on all night.
4. Thanksgiving sucks, but at least you can rhyme it with “skanksgiving.” What can you rhyme Easter with?
5. What’s with all the cute baby chicks? Are those the ones who didn’t get eaten when they were eggs?
6. Whoever came up with the idea of painting eggs as a fun activity was the same guy who invented gift-wrapping and auto erotic asphyxiation.
7. Good Friday is more like “just o.k. Friday.” And that’s being generous.
8. Our idea to save Easter by requiring women to dress as sexy Easter bunnies was rejected by most local governments. It will, however, go into effect in Burkina Faso this year.
9. No one in the history of our planet has ever said the words, “I’m excited about Easter this year.”
10. What other “holiday” makes you dress up in stupid pastel colored clothes you’ll never wear anywhere else again?
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.