Ed Mountaineer makes his move to McSweeney’s.

In a stunning move, columnist Ed Mountaineer has decided to leave the Intergalactic Business Report to write exclusively for McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, a high-brow laugh-at-this-because-it-was-written-by-a-funny-college-professor-or-something online publication that has in no way invited Ed to join them.
 
Below, Ed describes his decision and how he wishes to become a more highly cultured writer, appreciated by a wider, more intellectual audience. We bid Ed farewell, whatever that means.
 
 
 
Why I’m leaving for McSweeney’s. By Ed Mountaineer.
 
First off, I want to thank everyone at the Intergalactic Business Report. You guys are great. Seriously. But there comes a time when a writer like me needs to move on and find a place more accepting of my original brand of expression. That place, I feel, is something called McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.
 
I found McSweeney’s when I was trying to type something else into my computer. I was like, “What the fuck is this?” when I first saw their Web site. I added, “This has nothing to do with small men having sex with enormous women.” Instead of that, it was a lot of super smart, kind of funny stuff where you need to laugh because you’re at some dude’s house and he brought out some really expensive dishware and you’re eating off it and everyone else there is laughing so you better too.
 
I felt like that vibe was completely on for me. I read more. They had lists. I do lists. They had writing. I do writing. It seemed like such a perfect match, and I knew right then that I had to end my contract with the Intergalactic Business Report and start writing for McSweeney’s instead. So, McSweeney’s, I accept the position of head senior writer. Thank you and also you’re welcome at the same time.
 
Maybe first off we will get rid of the whole “Internet Tendency” thing because it sounds like an 80’s band if people used the internet back then. We can work on something new, like, “Home of Ed Mountaineer,” or, “No Lube Required,” which is even better, but you could also just combine the two. Anyway, we’ll work on it. I’m sure you’re pleased to see how much time I’ve already put into my new job. Get used to it!
 
Next up, there need to be more pictures. You know it. I know it. So know it. I’m thinking stuff with mighty animals but who knows? Like a wolf or bear but one who also commands an army or at least is wearing a helmet and can wield a sword. I’m not going all Narnia with this. My concept is different. So when I get there, if anyone says the word “Narnia,” I’ll freak. Just fair warning. Start getting used to some of my foibles and triggers. I have a few. O.K. I’ll list them, so you know:
 

1. The Narnia thing. I just mentioned that, above.
2. Music where any of it is sung in a robot voice. I think that activates something in me, like maybe I used to be a robot or something? 
3. Open boners. Leave something to the imagination. Yeesh.
4. People saying, “Ed. Stop screaming,” or “Ed, We can hear you. You don’t need to yell,” or, “Ed, you need to stop screaming. This is scary. You’re scaring me. You need to stop. Now.”
5. “Fake” liquor where someone tells you it’s gin or something but it isn’t because they think you’ve “had enough” or “you shouldn’t be this drunk at work.”
6. Wizards.
7. Trust falls where if they don’t catch you, you die because there’s something corrosive on the floor or you’re over a pit that has spikes or snakes or is just super deep.
8. Nipple or penis clamps. I’m a head senior writer now. I’m not wearing those anymore. 

 
Anyway… I’m grateful for the opportunity and can’t wait to get started. I guess I’ll just wait for instructions and dossiers on the other writers and stuff. 
 
I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
 
Ed Mountaineer.

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