My name is Ed Mountaineer and I hereby offer my soul to Corporate America if they will accept it. I pledge to talk about, reference, and draw all conversation I have in the future to advertise and support products or services for whoever pays me. Let me give you some example scenarios below.
SCENARIO ONE: DOMINATING THE SKIES. In this scenario, United Airlines has hired me to be their non-stop talking mouthpiece who not only promotes their airline, but also assuages people’s fears about flying. This would play out in the following example interaction:
PERSON WORKING AT MCDONALD’S: May I take your order?
ME: Sure. With the United Airfare sale coming up, I’ll probably go to Hawaii or something.
PERSON WORKING AT MCDONALD’S: Are you going to order any food?
ME: What’s your favorite flight destination?
PERSON WORKING AT MCDONALD’S: I’ve never been on an airplane?
ME: Ohhhh. Well, there’s no need to be such a pussy. United planes never go down. You can book a plane ticket at United’s awesome Web site. Or on their app? You must have a phone, right?
MCDONALD’S MANAGER: Is there a problem here?
ME: I’m glad you asked. The problem is that people like, uh… This guy… Don’t fly because they’re afraid it’s going to crash. But that’s bullshit. And United has an airfare sale coming up, so it’s a perfect opportunity to try it.
MCDONALD’S MANAGER: Sir. There’s a big line. Are you ordering food?
ME: Whatever. I just came here to use your bathroom. Fly United.
SCENARIO TWO: CHIPOTLE SUPERSTAR. Here, Chipotle hires me to promote their restaurants by my constantly putting the idea into people’s minds. See how it might work below:
ME: What are you doing? Going to Chipotle?
GUY: Probably not.
ME: Well that’s stupid. Chipotle has queso sauce now. That’s a total game changer and if you don’t start eating it pretty soon, you’ll probably be visited by a demon in your dreams or something. That’s what I heard.
GUY: Do I know you or something?
ME: Do I know about Chipotle? Yes, absolutely. Did you have a question about their new menu or would you like to come with me now to their nearest location?
GUY: I’m just trying to take the train to work, man.
ME: Correction. You’re just trying to take the train to Chipotle.
GUY: No. No, I’m just going to work.
ME: You work at Chipotle?
SCENARIO THREE: DRINKING COLA, THINKING COLA.Nobody has more money to spend on advertising than the Coca Cola Corporation (I guess), so in this concept, they hire me to not only promote their brand, but to fight with valor against their competitors. (THIS IS A TWO PART SCENARIO).
A restaurant I know doesn’t serve Coke.
WAITER: Can I get you something to drink?
ME: Coke please.
WAITER: We only have Pepsi.
ME: Then you SUUUUUUCK!
WAITER: (Stunned, not speaking, just looking dumb like people who drink Pepsi)….
ME: Fuck you.
A family reunion in a public park.
ME: Hey, what family is this?
PERSON: We’re the Abernathy’s.
ME: Cool, I’m Jeff Abernathy. Do you have anything to drink?
PERSON: Sure. Over there, at that table.
ME: I don’t see any Coca Cola products.
PERSON: I guess not.
ME: I guess the Abernathy’s are a bunch of fuckwads then.
PERSON: Excuse me?
ME: I think you heard me you fucking Pepsi prick!
Anyway, you get the picture, Corporate America. So please get your offers into me as soon as possible at email@example.com. And please remember this is kind of a first come first served thing. I can’t do Burger King and McDonalds at the same time, okay?
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.