My name is Ed Mountaineer and I hereby offer my soul to Corporate America if they will accept it. I pledge to talk about, reference, and draw all conversation I have in the future to advertise and support products or services for whoever pays me. Let me give you some example scenarios below.
SCENARIO ONE: TACO TRIUMPH. Let’s say Taco Bell gives me an exclusive contract to be their on the ground ambassador and mouthpiece. Every conversation I enter into for the extent of our contract will have to mention Taco Bell favorably in some way. See the following possible interaction:
MY BOSS: Hi, Ed. Looks like you’re late for work today.
ME: Sorry. I was at Taco Bell and the line was a little long because everyone is so excited about the new breakfast menu.
MY BOSS: That’s not a good excuse for being late, Ed.
ME: I should mention that even though the line was long, it went really fast, because the Taco Bell crew members work as a team and efficiently deliver your order to you in no time.
SCENARIO TWO: TOURIST TRAP. Pick a country. Any crappy country. Now imagine their tourism industry explode because someone like me is spending all his time talking about how awesome it is to visit. Cue interaction:
BRENDA (Woman at work I can’t stand): Hey, Ed. It looks like you didn’t do any of the reports I asked you to complete. Did you forget?
ME: Oh, I guess I did. I’ve been dreaming a lot lately of traveling to Azerbaijan. Did you know how easy it is to get a visa to go there? You can do it online.
BRENDA: We have a meeting in five minutes, Ed. You were supposed to do these reports, and…
ME: One of the coolest places in Azerbaijan is Zorge park, with a huge monument to the super spy, Richard Zorge.
BRENDA (Fumbling through the meaningless papers for her presentation): Maybe we can talk about this later, Ed. I’m really upset with you.
ME: Zorge was a hero, Brenda. He fucked up Hitler. Doesn’t that matter to you?
BRENDA: What’s going on with you, Ed?
ME: I guess you love Hitler, Brenda. Hey, everyone. Brenda thinks Hitler is great!
BRENDA: Stop shouting. Please…
ME: Will you look at the travel Azerbaijan Website with me?
BRENDA (Finally giving into the charms and allure of Azerbaijan): Sure. Whatever. Just stop.
SCENARIO THREE: AMAZON WARRIOR. Yes, Amazon is a huge company, and why would they need any help from little old me? Answer: until Amazon can dominate every aspect of our lives, they aren’t living up to their potential. Enter me. Now check out what I could do, below:
ME: Thanks for inviting me to your barbeque, Mike Amazon.
MIKE: Sure… Did you just call me Mike Amazon?
ME: Where did you get this food and all the other shit?
MIKE: Other shit?
ME: I’m just saying, you could have ordered all this from Amazon. And it would have been better than the shit you have.
MIKE: You don’t like the food?
ME: I don’t like anything that didn’t come from Amazon.
MIKE (Confused but beginning to understand how great Amazon is): Well, nice to see you, Ed. I’m going to talk to some of the other guests now.
ME: No problem. Just admit that Amazon is the best and kneel before them or him or whatever they are!
MIKE: Please let go of me.
Anyway, you get the picture, Corporate America. So please get your offers into me as soon as possible at firstname.lastname@example.org. And please remember this is kind of a first come first served thing. I can’t do Burger King and McDonalds at the same time, okay?
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.