Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer uses scientific inquiry to discover the true meaning of black holes.
This week I couldn’t stop thinking about science, so I decided to do my column on it. I began with a simple question and let my mind go from there.
Anyway, this is my scientific inquiry:
1. “Is my butthole a black hole? It looks black. And it is a hole.”
2. “Is a black hole just a giant butthole?”
3. “Who does the giant butthole belong to? A giant?”
4. “Where’s the rest of the giant and why do we only see his butthole?”
5. “For someone so shy he won’t let us see the rest of him, the giant seems pretty comfortable showing us his butthole.”
6. “Maybe it’s a girl giant?”
7. “Is it possible that it’s actually a small butthole but it seems really huge because we’re so small but just don’t know it?”
8. “Which would mean our buttholes are really really small?”
9. “How do we fit anything in ours? How does anything come out?”
10. “What happens when a black hole farts?”
11. “What happens when I fart? What’s going on with that? It’s like I’m crapping myself but just butt vapor comes out. But sometimes a little crap comes out, like it’s escaping… from a black hole???”
12. “Am I god?”
13. “I guess I am?”
14. “I’m done writing now. Goodbye?”
Ed is probably god. You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.