Five quotes famous people never actually said.

​Talking. It’s what we do when our mouths open and we say things. But what happens when those things we say were first said by someone else? Is it plagiarizing? Luckily for most of us, humans have long understood that nothing they speak of is very original and that using clichés and “quoting” smarter people who died years ago is a perfectly acceptable way to communicate. Fast forward to right now and a new dilemma faces human talkers. 
 
What if the “quote” you are using wasn’t actually said by the person you’re “quoting”? What if nobody ever said it and you’re just spewing gibberish? In an effort to save you from the piercing embarrassment of whatever that would be called, the Intergalactic Business Report identifies five famous quotes you may think were said by famous people but were, in fact, just made up by you. Does this make you original? Sure. 
 
 
FAMOUS QUOTE ONE: “I’d rather have a long penis than a short one with a lot of girth. Although many people would prefer the opposite.”
WHO SUPPOSEDLY SAID IT: Marcus Aurelius.
WHO ACTUALLY SAID IT: You.
 
FAMOUS QUOTE TWO: “Nobody ever leaves his wallet in the whorehouse unless he wants to go back there and find there’s no money left in his wallet because those whores stole all his money. I just want my ID and credit cards anyway, so if they take the cash, I guess it’s fine. Even if they charge some stuff on the cards that’s fine too. Just be reasonable.”
WHO SUPPOSEDLY SAID IT: Mark Twain.
WHO ACTUALLY SAID IT: You.
 
FAMOUS QUOTE THREE: “Arrghh… Give me that cucumber or I kill you….!”
WHO SUPPOSEDLY SAID IT: Sir Francis Bacon. 
WHO ACTUALLY SAID IT: You, at the grocery store every time you get near cucumbers.
 
FAMOUS QUOTE FOUR: “It may be time for all men to see my poopy.”
WHO SUPPOSEDLY SAID IT: Cicero.
WHO ACTUALLY SAID IT: You.
 
FAMOUS QUOTE FIVE: “Touch my wiener and you will be transported directly to heaven.”
WHO SUPPOSEDLY SAID IT: Zoroaster. 
WHO ACTUALLY SAID IT: You, pretending to be Zoroaster at that event where you thought you were supposed to portray a character, but it was actually just more of a brunch thing and some people brought their kids. 

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