Germany thinks it’s “handled” the Coronavirus. Whatever. Opinion by Ed Mountaineer.

Germans… They’re those people who make shit that doesn’t break. Now they say they have the Coronavirus under control. My response to both: Whatever.
 
Before I go any further, I want to explain a couple things so that the rest of this article makes sense. First, I make my own rules. And second, because of that I spend a lot of time being “expelled” from group chats, "detained” by police, “divorced” from women I didn’t technically “marry” because I’d just seen pictures of them on the internet, and also “been court ordered not to come within 200 feet” of many of my ex-wives.
 
That’s kind of my bio. Now for what I think. Get ready. 
 
The Germans started a long time ago, just like a lot of cultures. But along the way, something weird happened with them. At some point they started looking down on everyone and acting like they were better than me. Let me give you an example: World War Two. 
 
O.K. next example. The other night, I was watching t.v. and there was a commercial for the Shamwow, a cloth that, I guess, you use to masturbate or something? Anyway, near the end of the ad, the salesman says something about how the product is made in Germany and that because it is, you know that it’s “good stuff.” Whatever, I thought. 
 
Fast forward to now, when the Coronavirus pandemic is taking over and the Germans are like, “Oh, we have this under control. We have a system where we can track the numbers and blah blah blah.”
 
Let’s get this straight. I live in America. That means we don’t bow down to invisible diseases. We fight them out in the open and drink beers and make out with each other at pools. That’s my country. In Germany, they start a “system” to “combat” the disease. Sounds like World War Two all over again. Just saying…
 
If I went out and talked to the average anybody in any place anywhere in the world and I gave him two options (one: you use a system of contact tracing and numbers and shit like that to control a virus, or two: you make out with people at pool parties while getting shitty drunk), most humans would choose number two.
 
Which is what America does. Number two. We do number two all over everyone in the world. (If you aren’t American, you probably don’t get that joke, Ha Ha). 
 
So, let’s recap. America: pool parties, sex with gross people but you don’t care, and hard alcohol. Germany: numbers and tracking, like a robot or something. America wins again. (Just like in World War Two.)
 
Also, the Shamwow sucks. I tried to use one and it shredded my dick. What the fuck?
 
I’m done writing now. Good bye.

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