“Give Me Five.” IBR’s new charity funds penis enhancement surgery for men who feel inadequate without monster schlongs.
Coming up with a charity is hard because all the good ones are taken. This is the spirit behind the Intergalactic Business Report’s new philanthropic effort called “Give Me Five,” referring to the five inches of added penis we hope to give every man who feels he needs more dick. See our statement below:
Each year, millions of men wake up and wonder why their penises haven’t grown since high school. They look down in horror at their tiny dingles they once thought would rule the world but now are nothing more than pee sticks, serving the sole purpose of expelling urine several times a day.
They measure themselves, hoping a ruler will show they have much more than it looks like they have. But the ruler only shows they have much less.
Small Penis Syndrome (SPS) leads to American men spending billions of dollars a year on huge trucks, sports cars, sports memorabilia, and Hooter’s wings. And projections show that in coming years that spending will rise exponentially, till all men with small penises crowd into Tilted Kilt and Twin Peaks restaurants, causing fire hazards and wing shortages throughout the nation. Even worse, by 2027 almost all small-penised men will pass you on the shoulder on the highway instead of just the 80% who do it today.
As we look down the enormous shaft of a coming catastrophe, we have two choices. Either we allow mens’ penises to remain at miniature levels and become a nation where bro-hugs replace handshakes and Home Depot parking lots can only fit 17 cars, or we can do something dramatic to change the coming tidal wave of misery.
Enter Give Me Five, the new charity from the Intergalactic Business Report that offers free penis enhancement surgery to any man who feels he needs a much larger dong to feel good about himself. Using advanced penile technology and funded by you, Give Me Five can take men who have penises between 4 and 6 inches in length and give them brand new meat hammers that are at least ten inches long and have a girth up to four inches—kind of the dimensions of a Morton’s salt container, only bigger.
So far, Give Me Five has not paid for or performed any penis enhancement surgeries for the simple reason that we have zero money. But that could change in an instant, when people like you rise up and give us funds to cover the massive administrative fees that an organization like this needs to operate and pay administrators like us decent salaries and bonuses so that we can administer. When we’re done with that, we will start making bigger dicks for you and your loved ones.
Will you be part of this gargantuan tool for love and understanding? Read some of our hypothetical testimonials that we think will happen:
“Ever since I was a teenager, I felt my dick was not my real dick. My real dick, I knew, was gigantic. But when I looked down I only had about five inches of man meat. Today I have my real dick. In my pants. Right down there.” –Phil. Rantoul, Illinois.
“By giving me a John Holmes monster cock, IBR has given me a new lease on life, whatever that means. Do you lease your life? Huh?” –Marty. Jasper, Missouri.
“You only get one chance at a penis. Or so I used to think before IBR’s penis charity. Now I have a second chance at a penis.” –Bill. U.S. Virgin Islands.
“I had the length, but not the thickness. That’s where IBR stepped in and made my dick look kind of like a Frisbee. I’m not sure that was a good idea.” –Jeffrey. Branstead, California.
“With my brand new penis, I stopped trying so hard to impress people. Mostly because I spend all my time trying to hold my massive tool in place so it doesn’t fall out of my shorts.” –Barry. Torque, Texas.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.