An old saying goes, “You should never meet your heroes” We assume this is because of a restraining order where if you do meet them, you go to jail. But it could also mean that you might be disappointed when you actually come in contact with them.
Maybe they’re not as handsome or not as nice. Maybe they’re really short or have super bad breath. Or, again, maybe a judge has specifically ordered you not to come within one hundred yards of them because you keep sending them life-sized dolls of yourself with a note saying: “Get ready for the real thing… Cumming soon…”
But what if the reason you should never meet your hero was because the person you admire, idolize, and obsess over is actually dangerous, sadistic, and a threat to your existence? We found out the hard way that celebrity James Charles Austin is one hero you should never meet. Here’s why:
1. James Charles Austin claims “he isn’t a celebrity” when you meet him. This immediately throws you off because you are asking for a selfie with him and he’s like, “Please leave me alone,” and you’re like, “But you’re James Charles Austin,” and he’s like, “Who?”
2. James Charles Austin punches people.
That’s right. If you try to reach into his pockets for identification to prove that he’s James Charles Austin, James Charles Austin will hit you in the face. That’s assault.
3. James Charles Austin says incredibly mean things to his fans.
If you find James Charles Austin in a Target parking lot and say, “Hey, James Charles Austin! I’m a huge fan!” he will act like he doesn’t know you and keep walking. When you try to keep him still so he doesn’t walk away anymore he starts shouting things like, “Let go of me you fucking pscyho!” and, “I’m gonna call the fucking cops, you piece of shit.” Very hurtful.
4. When his fans approach him, James Charles Austin pretends he’s someone else.
In 17 encounters with James Charles Austin, he claimed to be someone named “Jeff Newman.” We have to give him an “A” for consistency because he kept giving us the same fake name. We also award him a big fat “D” for creativity for not switching up his false identity even once during our spontaneous meetings.
5. James Charles Austin will press charges for even the mildest breaches of his privacy.
As a major publication, you would think a celebrity would accept a simple request for an interview, but James Charles Austin not only refused, but also called the police and threatened to sue us when we arrived at his home for a sit down chat to see what projects he was working on and if he wanted to promote a movie or whatever. (That’s the kind of stuff that celebrities NEED, by the way). Also, he got extremely pissed when one of us hid in his cupboard so we could look at how he was when the cameras weren’t rolling.
6. He will threaten to kill you if you sleep under his bed without his knowledge.
Apparently, he fucking hates that.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.