For years, editors at the Intergalactic Business Report have believed that the tiny country of Iceland was either fake or sustained by supernatural forces. Many established news organizations and geographers scoffed at this idea, but they may soon change their minds as we have finally found definitive evidence that Iceland is powered by an invisible phallus, which they hide in plain sight.
Below, we outline how this discovery unfolded over the years and how we were right all along.
ORIGINS OF THE “INVISIBLE DICK” THEORY:
Years ago, an Intergalactic Business Report Editor said to someone, “How is Iceland even a country?” The guy he said it to claimed to have actually been in Iceland, and he went on to explain that he had visited a museum dedicated to penises in Reykjavik, their capital. Our editor then went out to buy more beer, and while he never ended up talking to the guy who traveled to Iceland ever again, he always remembered that Iceland had its own dick museum.
THE THEORY DEVELOPS FURTHER:
Perhaps five years later, our editor was drinking with some random people he met in a bar. They seemed nervous around him and explained that he should probably “slow down” and take a cab home. This enraged him and he told them all to fuck off. He was escorted out of the bar and he told the group that they were a bunch of “dicks.”
Sometime around Christmas, although he can’t remember which one, our editor found a bottle of Icelandic Vodka in a liquor store. This made him think of the penis museum in Reykjavik. He mentioned this to a woman working there, but he had trouble articulating his thoughts and it just looked like he was holding a liquor bottle and screaming something about penises. He was removed from the store but as he was pushed onto the street he had a breakthrough thought. “What if I…” he said to himself. “What if I…” Then he forgot what he was thinking and headed to Taco Bell.
A FORTUTIOUS MEETING:
At a hotel bar, our editor asked several men how big their penises were. They seemed very unsettled by this question. One of the men was from Iceland and asked if this was what Americans talked about in bars. Our editor then asked him if he knew about the dick museum in Reykjavik. The man said, yes, he’d been there. “How big does your dick need to be to get into that museum?” our editor asked. The man explained that there were no human penises at the museum. But, he said, there were troll and elf penises, only you couldn’t see them, because they were invisible.
THE MYSTERY UNFOLDS:
Our editor immediately took this new information to the Intergalactic Business Report. At first, we didn’t know what to do with it, till someone said, “Maybe the reason Iceland’s even a country is because somehow those invisible dicks have something to do with it.” Moments later, we began a formal investigation into the link between invisible troll penises and Iceland’s existence.
THE INVESTIGATION BECOMES FULLY ERECT:
While we didn’t want to spend the money to actually fly writers to Iceland to investigate the penises, we did agree that Iceland would probably not be a place at all if it weren’t for magical invisible dicks that they held in a museum. Somebody asked, “Why would an elf penis be invisible?” We didn’t have a good answer for that, so we moved on.
Iceland has existed for at least a hundred years. Maybe longer. And there’s no way anyone could live there unless they were fueled by an invisible dick.
Although our research on the subject is supremely solid, there are still a couple questions that remain. Of all the dicks in the dick museum, which one is the source of Iceland’s power? And is it a troll or elf penis? The only way to know for sure would be to remove one magic penis at a time from Iceland and see if the country disappeared or sank. For now, we must be satisfied with knowing that we’ve once again uncovered a scientific breakthrough that will change human understanding of life on our planet. As always, you’re welcome.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.