You were never good at sports, not super smart, but always felt like you were better than everyone else. You just couldn’t say why. Until now. The Intergalactic Business Report goes to the core of what’s missing in your life and the answer is you need a new, cooler identity.
Smart people are smart. Attractive people are hot. Hipsterish, ironic people find what they are by doing something old that’s new because nobody wants to do it anymore because they realized it was dumb, like growing handlebar mustaches and stupid civil war beards. Today we offer you five new/old ideas that may be just what you're looking for. And the best thing is, you don’t need any talent to become one of these:
1. Hermit. What’s great about being a hermit is that you don’t have to answer to a boss, or anybody for that matter. Except for maybe the owner of the property you squat on. Build a hut or a hole or find a cave. Bring some books and candles. Hunt cats that wander in your area and eat berries and leaves. Maybe make sure that one of those books is about which berries and leaves are poisonous.
2. The guy who asks people to go on mysterious quests. For this, you need to spend a lot of time in bars, because where else would anyone ask people to go on mysterious quests and have those people drunk enough to actually consider doing them? Just start with two or three quests you can remember, like getting some treasure that fell off a ship, or finding a magic sword. When even the drunk people start getting weirded out by you, start screaming, “do you want to be rich?” and then see if they’ll buy you another drink.
3. A flasher. You just don’t see those guys any more. Get a raincoat. Go to the park. Wait.
4. Someone who speaks in a robot voice. We’re pretty sure a guy from “Cool and the Gang” did this, but probably not every waking moment. That honor will be yours.
5. Duelist. You probably want to hang around a bar for this one too, because people there are more apt to take you up on your offer of a fight to the death. Remember to bring a glove with which you can slap their faces.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.