Every other week, Netflix announces it’s cancelling shows and every other week, the internet shows a picture of a show that there’s no way they’d cancel next to the headline that Netflix is cancelling shows. Want to know which series are getting the axe for real? The Intergalactic Business Report gives you eight shows that are finally meeting their demise. We list them below:
SHOW: Poison Pals (Cancelled).
PLOT: Two Nova Scotian high school boys poison each other on a dare.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: They both die in the first episode, because they eat the kind of poison that kills you immediately.
SHOW: Burstoff (Cancelled).
PLOT: David Burstoff is the world’s most successful art thief, but his lifestyle is in jeopardy when a loveable eight-year-old who may or may not be his son paints a picture worth 8 billion dollars. Should he steal from his own possible son? Or should he take the money he’s already made from stealing art over the years and buy a reasonable home in the suburbs and raise his maybe kid who will call all the shots in this new family because he’s now a billionaire. Also, there’s a maid who talks back a lot. Like she’s more part of the family than a domestic servant.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Read above.
SHOW: Are you fucking crazy? (Cancelled).
PLOT: Hot young studs are placed on an island with hot young women all of whom are clinically insane. After dating around for three days, the studs must choose to either leave the island as a couple or commit their new girlfriends to a mental health facility.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Executives found it too similar to every other stuck on an island dating program.
SHOW: Dustin Nason Unblown (Cancelled).
PLOT: Dustin Nason can’t get a blow job to save his life, both figuratively and literally, as a terrorist group gives him 30 minutes to get oral sex or they will ignite a bomb attached to his genitals.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: The show was only 30 minutes long, and even though Dustin achieves a blow job with a mysterious cloaked person who is also probably a member of the terrorist group, the terrorists didn’t really have an understanding about how to turn off explosives once they set them.
SHOW: River by the Bay (Cancelled).
PLOT: Becky Welsh is a big-time nail aesthetician from LA who gets displaced from the big city when Jeff, her powerful convenience store manager husband, has an affair with a Red Robin waitress and Becky makes a choice to leave him for a new life in the small town of River by the Bay. While jealous Jeff tries to find her whereabouts, Becky meets an attractive Taco Bell employee who may or may not be the third shift meat hose operator.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Episode 3, “Suck My Meat Hose,” brought about a lawsuit from Taco Bell and a broke several actors' mouths.
SHOW: The Beehaven Chronicles (Cancelled).
PLOT: This adaptation of the children’s book series features Abel Applethorpe, a feisty forty-seven-year-old man who moves to a new town and finds a secret world in his own butt, which he names Beehaven.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: In the books, Abel is ten years old and Beehaven is a secret fairy world he finds in the woods behind his old Victorian house. Not sure why Netflix changed all that but fans were like, “What?”
SHOW: Drive Till You Pass Out (Cancelled).
PLOT: Stunt driver Daryl Morin drives till he passes out, sometimes crashing his vehicle, but mostly he just pulls off the road and falls asleep.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Daryl can drive almost forever, so the show is a lot of him driving and listening to podcasts. There’s also a lot of public service announcements about not driving tired, mostly starring Daryl, which seems kind of confusing.
SHOW: The Sword and the Goat (Cancelled).
PLOT: Parthian Prince Avanar Xaradu must defend his ancestral lands against invading Roman armies. Can he unite his people and use his guile and charm to trick his new enemies? Or will his weakness to have sex with farm animals all the time, impede his chances?
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Historians criticized the series for its misunderstanding of history including that there was a Parthian Prince who fucked goats and cows. But also basically everything else too.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.