Wanna travel the world like a pro?* The Intergalactic Business Report gives you seven unbelievable travel hacks that will change the way you do everything.
THE PROBLEM: You get off your flight and wait an hour for your suitcase to show up on the baggage claim turnstile.
THE HACK: Pack yourself inside your bag and just walk out of your luggage when you feel it moving on a conveyor belt.
THE PROBLEM: You have to show your ID or passport to some TSA agent or foreign official.
THE HACK: Create your own badge that says TSA Four Star General, and tell the agent to grovel before you.
THE PROBLEM: You go to a crappy airport store and pay $75 for a pack of Mentos and a bottle of water.
THE HACK: Make your own Mentos using toothpaste, old gum, and a soldering tool. Sneak these into the airport in your butthole, even though it’s not illegal to have homemade Mentos. Then make yourself totally independent of water by never drinking it or any liquid again. That solves both problems. Good job.
THE PROBLEM: The airplane bathrooms are always occupied and there’s a line of people waiting to use them.
THE HACK: Shit your pants and then, gorilla style, scoop out some poop and wildly throw it at everyone in the restroom. They will clear out immediately and you’ll have the entire place to yourself.
THE PROBLEM: The airplane restaurants don’t use real silverware because of security concerns.
THE HACK: Start practicing six months before your trip how to eat only with your hands. Then, when you get to the restaurant take your food and, gorilla style, fling it at everyone till they all clear out of the restaurant. Then you can eat alone without the embarrassment of everyone staring at you because you eat only with your hands.
THE PROBLEM: Airline seats are cramped and uncomfortable.
THE HACK: Shorten your legs by sawing off the area just above your feet. Then wear fake feet that are smaller than what your old feet were. First, you have the bonus of a few extra inches of foot room. And second, your feet aren’t there, so they don’t feel the pain of being squished and they never lose blood flow because you don’t have blood flowing to them anymore, because they’re not there.
THE PROBLEM: You want to join the “mile high club” but the bathrooms are cramped and you’re traveling alone. And you’re not very attractive too.
THE HACK: Ask for an extra blanket, then whack off in your seat. Then wait for someone to notice. Then ask if that person would like to join the mile high club with you. Then wait to be arrested. Then ask the arresting office if he/she would like to join the mile high club with you. And so on, till you get to a prison and just have sex with whoever takes you first.
*Is being a professional traveler a thing? Sure, we guess.