You read some history, but then you stop because it’s so fucking boring and you already know what happened, kind of. Then some asshole tells you that if you don’t study the past, you can’t understand the future or something like that. And you feel kind of guilty, as if maybe you should actually want to understand the past and spend hours and hours studying it.
But what you don’t realize is that there’s a reason you hate history and it’s pretty obvious. History is stupid and you’re smart so when you read about it you get uncomfortable, kind of like when you’re at the zoo and you’re too close to an animal who may try to kill or have sex with you and you start screaming.
Instead of shaming you, like that asshole in the example, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you nine concrete reasons why history is a stupid subject people should just forget about.
1. If “History repeats itself” why learn it because it’s just going to happen again anyway and you can see for yourself?
2. Do you really want to know what it was like before air-conditioning and makeup?
3. “Less History and more mystery” is what Adam Corolla used to say on Loveline with Dr. Drew. We agree completely.
4. Hey, wanna memorize a bunch of names of people who used to be President? No? O.K.
5. When people say they’re “History buffs” it just means they cut holes in History books and have sex with them.
6. If you don’t like Hitler, why would you read about him so much? We don’t like Hitler, so…
7. Hey, look! It’s an old castle! Want to learn all about it? Or would you rather get drunk?
8. Did you know that Billy the Kid was married to Queen Victoria? No? Does it matter? No. Is it true? No. Does it matter? No.
9. Every bad thing that’s ever happened to you is now “History.” Do you want to relive all that crap?
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.