Hey. It’s Rhoda Bloom. Is that enough? Because it should be. Minus the part about “Hey. It’s Rhoda Bloom.” It’s been a whole year since my last article on Thanksgiving and you can imagine a lot’s happened in my life since then. Nothing’s happened in reality, but you could imagine something actually did.
Do you remember how in the movie “Home Alone” they left Kevin behind and went on a trip to Paris and then they realized it and the mom spent the rest of the movie trying to get home to make sure he was all right? You’re like my mom, only it’s a year later when you realized you forgot about me, and you don’t care if I got killed by burglars.
Anyway, on to my article. It’s Thanksgiving again and that means the sun is going to set at like 4:00 and some kid is accidentally going to eat dog shit when he’s playing in the leaves. It happens. Probably more than we want to admit. But the one good thing about that is if you’re accidentally eating dog shit, you’re alive I guess. At least until the dog shit kills you.
Nobody’s talking about COVID anymore. That’s good I suppose. Now it’s just AI taking over the planet, terrorists, and inflation. Here’s a joke: A terrorist walks into the bomb store and the clerk says, “Hey, you can’t afford to buy any more bombs because with inflation they cost too much.” Then the terrorist goes, BLAM BLAM BLAM and takes the bomb anyway, but not before AI takes over the world and kills all humans. I guess one way to end this joke would be that the terrorist and the AI robot high five each other because they both got what they wanted? Anyway, that joke had all three things in it, which is hard.
Oh, one other thing before I forget. Nope. Forgot it.
I heard you need to start a gratitude list where you recite all the things you’re grateful for and that jacks up your dopamines and makes you super happy and you can go on with your life. Yup. That’s what I heard.
I adopted a dog the other day and somebody told me it was actually a species of vermin I’d never heard of and if it bit me I could die of rabies, so I have that going for me. I also learned about toilet snakes, which are snakes that crawl up your butt while you’re on the toilet. Whoever came up with the name “toilet snakes” did a pretty good job if you think about it. Now, when I use the bathroom, I just think about how one of those suckers is going to shoot through the toilet hole and go straight inside my rear end. Try it next time you need to poop or something. It’s terrifying.
But at least I don’t have any other places to go or things to do that give me a sanctuary from horrid thoughts and possibilities. I started having nightmares where there’s this guy who sits at the foot of my bed and just says, “Wake up. Wake up,” again and again. Then he says stuff like, “You need to pay your rent or I’ll have to evict you.” I’ve asked a lot of people and apparently no one else has this dream because they pay their rent. I tried to offer sex as an “alternative payment” and said stuff like, “Maybe we can work this out another way” and, “I do have other things I could give you instead of money,” but my landlord just responds with, “Do you have any gold bullion?” and “I’m not into dudes.” When I try to explain to him that I’m not a man, he’s just like, “Oh.” And he doesn’t say anything for like twenty minutes. Then I try to start it up again by saying, playfully, “Do you want me to prove it?” And he’ll think for a second and be like, “No, I’m good.”
I think Vermy, my pet whatever he is, just bit me. This Thanksgiving I guess I’m grateful for him. Nope, he didn’t bite me. So I guess I’m not grateful anymore and he just crawled into a hole in my wall where he stores all the shit he steals from me.
Botulism. It’s real and I’m pretty sure you get it when you eat canned cranberry sauce. Also, I think turkeys are supposed to be only a couple pounds and the ones you eat for Thanksgiving are that way because someone injected them with a hormone that makes them super huge like if a rat could become the size of a cow or something. Luckily, some farmer kills it before it keeps growing because if not we’d have motherfucking large turkeys overrunning humanity and they’d probably have a taste for human blood before too long. It’s a theory.
So, I guess in conclusion, have a happy Thanksgiving and let’s not wait a whole year till the next time we do whatever this is. Toilet snakes. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.