Rhoda. Bloom. I separated my name with a period because that’s the most creative I’m going to get for the rest of my life, which will probably be short. In my last column, I even assumed I would be dead by now. But guess what? I’m still just living the nightmare and waiting to get sideswiped by a horrifying medical diagnosis or a natural disaster where everyone I know has to say, “Oh my god. Rhoda Bloom lives there. Do you think she’s dead? Yeah. Rhoda Bloom. You don’t remember her? She was that weird girl nobody liked. Yeah, my sister, Rhoda Bloom.”
Speaking of natural disasters, I read an article about how a comet is coming straight for our planet. I kept skipping ahead so I could find the part where it says it won’t hit for 50 million years, but it wasn’t there. So, we’re all going to die. Whatever.
Meanwhile, I guess my COVID vaccine is wearing off. When the comet hits I’ll probably be wondering if I have the virus or just a really shitty cold where I also shit my pants. And I’ll have a rash too I guess. Probably in my ass, and the doctor will be like, “No one ever gets it there,” and then we’ll just watch the comet make impact from his doctor’s office window and he’ll be the last person I spend time with on Earth, which sucks for him.
There’s also the UFO stuff, of course. Those interplanetary motherfuckers are apparently all over the place and instead of being worried, we just take videos of them and post them and everyone’s like, “Hey, check out this Tik Tok of a UFO.” I’m assuming the aliens are freaked out by that, kind of like if you walk into a bar holding a huge gun and everyone just kind of turns and looks at you and then keeps drinking. I guess we’ve got that going for us. At least until they fire that metaphorical gun, which is probably like a hand-held super nuclear laser beam that also gives you COVID.
Speaking of Tik Tok, I guess if you look at it, the Chinese government controls your phone? But we keep doing it because we like twelve second videos of teenagers doing stuff nobody understands except teenagers and even they seem a little confused but don’t really care because I guess that’s the point? Does anyone get this at all?
In some good news, everybody dies. That kind of evens everything out.
In some other good news, I just watched a show called “Squid Game” where poor people play childhood playground games against each other and get killed if they fuck up. If you end up winning all the games it means everyone else died but you get to be a multi-millionaire. I really related to the fucking up and dying part and also the part where when you die you don’t get any of the money and it goes to someone else who wanted it more than you.
Inflation is going to be horrible, according to experts. Higher inflation means everything’s going to cost a lot more. Except death. Death will always be cheap.
Anyway, I guess I’m done writing. I need to check my Twitter feed where I just saw that everything in the entire world sucks. I think there are some links to articles. Instagram has some new pictures of successful people telling me to stop worrying what other people think of me so I can reach my goals. But I’m on Instagram because my goal is to have everyone like me. And my high school reunion is coming up according to Facebook and the theme is bikini beach party, so I guess that’ll delay the comet from hitting.
Rhoda Bloom is just a person who wrote this. She does not work for the Intergalactic Business Report. But you can leave a message for her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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