Ever picture yourself at a royal ball, with fancy-looking people dancing to really crappy music before they bow to each other? Usually that means you have a brain aneurism… But is it also possible that your fantasies of court intrigue and ruffles means that you are remembering something? Perhaps a time when you were at a royal dance… In the past?
The answer is a resounding no. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have some royal blood in you somewhere. The Intergalactic Business Report’s new genealogy study has uncovered seven indicators that may prove your heritage as a king, queen, or even one of their many freakish, inbred cousins.
Do any of these describe you?
1. Do you ever feel like you should be at the front of every line? Maybe you’re at the grocery store. Maybe you’re in traffic. There’s a line of people and cars ahead and you start getting angry. That’s because you may be a royal. Blue bloods, it turns out, never had to wait in lines and usually would jump straight to the front if any presented themselves. Sometimes, their guards would even push people aside or murder them so that their liege could check out before everyone else or get to the next highway exit with his carriage. Your frustration could be something you inherited from a noble relative. So it turns out, you’re not an asshole after all.
2. Do you say things like, “If I were in charge…” or “if it were up to me…” and then follow those statements with a declaration of how you would micromanage and alter every human behavior that didn’t immediately benefit you? Again, you may be nobility.
3. Have you ever found it “silly” to pay for things? Do you feel like paying is for other people and that you should either receive a massive discount or simply be able to walk out of stores with whatever you desire? It turns out that, centuries ago, people of noble birth didn’t have to pay for a lot, because they kind of owned everything. Do you feel like you own everything? We may have another clue.
4. Do you think that God appointed you to be a leader? That’s kind of what “divine right” is all about. Your view that whatever you do is justified by an all-powerful being, and that this makes you also an all-powerful being, is exactly what your forebears thought as well.
5. Do you want to have sex with your cousin? Again, this could be a throwback to an earlier time when royal families encouraged marriage between first cousins to keep their blood lines pure.*
6. Have you ever threatened anyone by saying, “do you want to go to war?” This is exactly the kind of thing some fat duke would say to another fat duke a thousand years ago. Maybe you’re a fat duke too?
7. When people say, “let’s go to McDonald’s” do you say, “can we go to Burger King?” You may also order Chicken à la King or King Crab instead of a Po’ boy sandwich.
*The study concluded that an extraordinary number of people with royal blood live in Kentucky.
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