Six months ago, Cedric Bigglestone entered a mental health program. Here’s the letter he wrote to himself that he has to read today.
Intergalactic Business Report columnist Cedric Bigglestone entered a mental health program six months ago. Let’s not even get into the details. As part of his therapy, he was required to write himself a letter that he would re-read six months later. Today is that day and we are publishing it. (Just imagine Cedric talking while you read it.)
Sorry I put ourselves in this mess. I say, “ourselves” because I feel like there are two of us now since I’m writing a letter to myself but there’s also me, who’s writing, but is also myself. I guess that makes two “myselfs”?
Wait a fucking second. Am I in here for having multiple personality disorder? Someone’s saying no, that isn’t it. I guess I’m not allowed to write my own fucking letter. Some doctor is going to do it for me. (Now she’s saying to go ahead and write whatever I want and to ignore what she said.)
O.K. So I guess I’m in here for multiple personality disorder and as I write this, I’m screaming every word so my therapist can hear me even though she’s standing right next to me. Now she’s moving away from me, so I need to scream louder.
Now I’m going to write what she’s saying. Guard. Guard. Guard. Can you please come in?
Sorry for the interruption. They made me stop writing but now I’m back. I think my other personality came out and started doing shit like yelling a lot and now I’m back—the calm one.
Being here at the ______ has really helped me figure out a lot of my issues, like the one where my other personality comes out and drinks so much that he tries to hunt mimes and other street entertainers because those motherfuckers are stealing babies again.
I guess that’s about it. See you in six months.
Cedric Bigglestone the first (not the bad one)
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.