Sick of all the movies that are “killing it on Netflix”? Try these alternatives, brought to you by the Intergalactic Business Report. Some of them may be hard to find, but if you don’t want to watch the same old movies this year, check these out today.
PLOT: The titular “Sandpa” is actually Santa, as in “Santa” Claus. But no one can pronounce his name when he’s forcibly moved to a tropical island full of Elves banished from the North Pole for their speech impediments.
SPOILER: They murder him.
MOVIE: “Big piece of shit Christmas.”
PLOT: Get ready for the tale of a boy in Italy who receives a giant piece of shit for Christmas. Who gave it to him and why? Delight in this foreign language film where the magic of the season is subdued by having to read subtitles while you wonder if the screaming Italian dude in the movie is actually saying what it says he said.
SPOILER: His dad gave it to him. The “why” part is never explained but we think it’s an Italian thing that only they would comprehend.
MOVIE: “A dark, dark Christmas.”
PLOT: Mythical creature Hadifus Darkness plots to put the entire holiday season inside his enormous butt. Can he fit it? And how is it possible to put a season in a butt?
SPOILER: Some children stop him. And there are a few disturbing scenes of them escaping his butt.
MOVIE: “Christmas in my butt.”
PLOT: Not to be confused with the plot of “A dark, dark Christmas,” this 80’s archival masterpiece features adult film star Jeff Turbo, who tries to see what yuletide items he can fit in his ass.
SPOILER: Don’t watch the scene with the Yule log. When it gets to that part, just turn it off. Seriously.
MOVIE: “My cousin the elf.”
PLOT: Trading on the success of “My cousin Vinny,” this cinematic romp is the story of two boys arrested for murder as they drive through Alabama on their way back to college. Is it a case of mistaken identity? One of the boys calls his cousin, a Christmas elf, to represent them in court.
SPOILER: The elf has no legal skills or background. And, unlike, Vinny, he doesn’t turn it around and suddenly get good at criminal law. The boys are executed and the elf sings a creepy version of “Silent Night,” as the dual electric chairs singe them.
MOVIE: “The Christmas bargain.”
PLOT: Box store manager Larry Fields decides he’s going to give away everything for free this year, in the spirit of Christmas.
SPOILER: He’s fired. Turns out you’re not allowed to do that, unless you own the store, which Larry doesn’t.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.