Think song lyrics are dumb? Think again. The Intergalactic Business Report examines six semi-famous musical masterpieces and translates their cryptic advice and insights. Only we could do this. You’re welcome.
1. THE SONG: Whatta Man by Salt N Pepa.
THE LYRIC: “You so crazy. I think I want to have yo baby.”
TRANSLATION: “You are mentally ill. I would like to have a child with you.”
INSIGHT: If someone shows signs of madness, he may also be a great father to your children. Consider having sex with him and making a baby.
2. THE SONG: Hot in Here by Nelly.
THE LYRIC: “It’s getting hot in here, so hot, so take off all your clothes. I am, getting so hot, I wanna take my clothes off.”
TRANSLATION: “The temperature in this room is approaching levels that are unhealthy for both of us. But I have a solution. You should take off your clothes. I too am hot, and I want to take off my clothes. But I will wait for you to do it first.”
INSIGHT: In extreme heat, it is a good idea to shed layers of clothing. Also, being a gentleman and leader is important. So wait till everyone else has disrobed. Check to see if they’re safe. Then remove your clothing last.
3. THE SONG: Boom Boom by Paul Lekakis.
THE LYRIC: “Do the honor to me. Don’t you know I like to bite? Get to the view. Closer to you. You’re driving me crazy, crazy for you.”
TRANSLATION: “Please give me a medal or a ribbon of some kind to honor my accomplishments. If you don’t, I will bite you. Go look at the view we have from this hotel room. It’s great, right? Now I’m standing right next to you and exhibiting signs of a mental breakdown. You are the cause of this psychotic episode.”
INSIGHT: If you are stuck in a hotel room with a mental patient, perhaps the best thing to do is give him some kind of recognition, like a ring or a medal. That way, he won’t bite you. Also, take responsibility for your role in causing him to go crazy. Enjoy the view too.
4. THE SONG: We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off by Jermaine Stewart.
THE LYRIC: “We don’t have to take our clothes off to have a good time, oh no. We could dance and party all night and drink some cherry wine.”
TRANSLATION: “Having fun doesn’t have to involve nudity. As an alternative, why don’t we start dancing for the next eight to ten hours? And while we do this, we can drink wine nobody else drinks or has ever heard of.”
INSIGHT: Without clothing, it is very difficult to dance, because your parts will flap around and maybe even hit you or others in the face. So, if you if you want to dance and get naked, you can’t. Choose one or the other. If you opt for dancing, enhance the experience with a non-grape wine. Do this all night until you lose the desire for sex.
5. THE SONG: Wrap her up by Elton John and George Michael.
THE LYRIC: “Is she foreign? Legs eleven? Italian girls take me to heaven. You pretty babies from Paris, France. Crazy horses love to dance.”
TRANSLATION: “Is that woman from another country? Is she a spider creature that has multiple legs? Female children from Italy are able to communicate with the dead, and sometimes they include me in séances. You are beautiful infants from Paris. Horses with mental illness enjoy dancing a lot.”
INSIGHT: George Michael and Elton John were suffering from a shocking mental episode when they wrote this. Their minds were clearly a prison of horror and insanity.
6. THE SONG: Tuff Enuff by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
THE LYRIC: “I’d work 24 hours seven days a week, just so I could come home and kiss your cheek. I love you in the morning and I love you at noon. I love you in the night and take you to the moon.”
TRANSLATION: “If you allow me to come to your house and kiss the side of your mouth, I will work every minute of every day for the rest of my life in a separate location, without realizing that it is impossible for me to go to your house because I will be at work, in order to keep my impossible promise. At work, I love you three times a day. Once in the morning, once around lunch, and once at night. Then I use a spacecraft to bring you out of Earth’s atmosphere and on a journey to the moon, which means I work at NASA because how else could I be working and doing that at the same time?”
INSIGHT: The lead singer of the Fabulous Thunderbirds is a tragic character, somewhat like Atlas or Prometheus from Greek Mythology. He is doomed to work continuously while his beloved waits for him at home, hoping he will someday arrive to put his mouth on her face, but knowing this is impossible. She doesn’t know, however, that his work is building space ships. So he tells his boss that he’s taking the rocket out for a test drive and comes by her house, finally lip-touching her cheek with his mouth that has not seen mouthwash or toothpaste since his vow to work forever. They then go to the moon, but must soon turn around and go home. Each year, the Tuff Enuff singer makes this journey, which is also the Summer Solstice. Can you see him up there? Look hard this year. There he is! Waving at you!
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