If you’ve ever watched zombie movies or television shows, you’ve probably asked yourself a simple question: Why is this in any way appealing to me or anyone else for any reason whatsoever? But once you got past that, you reveled in the frightening depictions of a decaying world in which only the strong, ruthless, or lucky survive.
The Intergalactic Business Report studied actual zombie apocalypses in order to give our readers a more realistic view of how humans survive or die. We determined that the reason so few people live through such events comes down to six stages, which we have outlined below:
During most zombie apocalypses, there’s an initial period where people freak out and hide from the zombies. This usually lasts about three months.
In stage two, most of the people get tired of hiding and decide they should maybe leave their houses. One of them usually says something like, “Listen, it’s been long enough. It’s time to get out there and re-open stuff.”
Stage three begins shortly thereafter when people start to think the zombie apocalypse was a trick by the government to keep people locked up and compliant.
A lot of questions are also asked about what the government is going to do to end the zombie problem because it’s taking forever and there doesn’t seem to be a solution.
At some point a guy from the government is on t.v. and says they’re working on it and they think they could have a cure to the zombies if they can just have more time.
Some guy in his living room yells at the t.v.: “It’s been three fucking months!”
A bunch of people say the zombies aren’t dangerous and that you could go outside and hang out with them and nothing would happen.
Others believe that even if you do get bitten by a zombie it’s not that bad.
Stage five starts a couple hours after stage four, when everyone leaves their houses and go to bars, which just got re-opened. At the bars they do stuff like try to shake hands with the zombies who wander in and take pictures with them.
Pretty much all those people get killed by the zombies and turn into zombies themselves.
The rest of the people hide indoors and say stuff like: “What a bunch of assholes. Look at them getting eaten by zombies.” The indoor people feel vindicated when they see their formerly cocky neighbor wandering around as an undead creature. The pleasure lasts about four minutes. Then they realize that might be better than hiding in their houses forever. Then they try to order Uber Eats.
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