THE INTERGALACTIC BUSINESS REPORT
  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR

Keeping you cultured for real

The real reason there are so few survivors in a Zombie Apocalypse.

6/27/2020

Comments

 
Picture
If you’ve ever watched zombie movies or television shows, you’ve probably asked yourself a simple question: Why is this in any way appealing to me or anyone else for any reason whatsoever? But once you got past that, you reveled in the frightening depictions of a decaying world in which only the strong, ruthless, or lucky survive.
 
The Intergalactic Business Report studied actual zombie apocalypses in order to give our readers a more realistic view of how humans survive or die. We determined that the reason so few people live through such events comes down to six stages, which we have outlined below: 
 
 
STAGE ONE:
During most zombie apocalypses, there’s an initial period where people freak out and hide from the zombies. This usually lasts about three months.
 
STAGE TWO:
In stage two, most of the people get tired of hiding and decide they should maybe leave their houses. One of them usually says something like, “Listen, it’s been long enough. It’s time to get out there and re-open stuff.”
 
STAGE THREE:
Stage three begins shortly thereafter when people start to think the zombie apocalypse was a trick by the government to keep people locked up and compliant. 
 
A lot of questions are also asked about what the government is going to do to end the zombie problem because it’s taking forever and there doesn’t seem to be a solution. 
 
At some point a guy from the government is on t.v. and says they’re working on it and they think they could have a cure to the zombies if they can just have more time.
 
Some guy in his living room yells at the t.v.: “It’s been three fucking months!”
 
STAGE FOUR:
A bunch of people say the zombies aren’t dangerous and that you could go outside and hang out with them and nothing would happen.
 
Others believe that even if you do get bitten by a zombie it’s not that bad.
 
STAGE FIVE:
Stage five starts a couple hours after stage four, when everyone leaves their houses and go to bars, which just got re-opened. At the bars they do stuff like try to shake hands with the zombies who wander in and take pictures with them.
 
STAGE SIX:
Pretty much all those people get killed by the zombies and turn into zombies themselves. 
 
The rest of the people hide indoors and say stuff like: “What a bunch of assholes. Look at them getting eaten by zombies.”  The indoor people feel vindicated when they see their formerly cocky neighbor wandering around as an undead creature. The pleasure lasts about four minutes. Then they realize that might be better than hiding in their houses forever. Then they try to order Uber Eats. 
Comments

    About

    Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.

    Archives

    March 2025
    February 2025
    January 2025
    December 2024
    November 2024
    October 2024
    September 2024
    August 2024
    July 2024
    May 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    February 2024
    November 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    August 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    May 2018
    March 2018

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR