A lot of people ask me, “Ed, are you the only one on the planet who tells the truth?” My answer to them: “How much do you charge for just a blowjob?” I ask them that because they are right. I’m the only one who actually tells the truth, and I want to know how much it costs for a blow job.
When I’m not thinking about the price of sex, I’m almost 100% focused on the Joker, which makes me the perfect person to write an opinion article about which actor portrayed the character best.
Using my deep understanding and decades of knowledge on this subject, I came to a final and definitive conclusion about who was the greatest Joker. I focused on six performances I feel are most important. Then I dissected and analyzed them in such detail that I don’t think any other human being could seriously say they worked harder for an answer about anything ever in their pathetic lives.
What comes next is intended to, once and for all, end all arguments about this subject forever. Read on.
CESAR ROMERO: The ultimate Joker, Romero held court in the whacky camp version of the Batman universe. Jokers should make you laugh, right? And although I can’t totally remember any episodes or lines Romero had, I do recall him being pretty damn funny. I’m kind of laughing right now in my head just thinking about it.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX: I haven’t seen the newest “Joker” movie yet, but from what I can tell, it doesn’t live up to the same standards as Cesar Romero in the whacky camp version of the Batman universe. What’s funny about Joaquin Phoenix besides his silly name? Answer: not much. Maybe if he made a movie called, “Joaquin Phoenix” I would go see that because it would have to be hilarious, right? Wrong. It would suck.
JARED LETO: Jared Leto was in “My So Called Life.” That’s why I like to call his version of the Joker “My So Called Joker.” Get it? Also, I didn’t see Suicide Squad because it looked kind of dumb.
JACK NICHOLSON: “Wait till they get a load of me,” Nicholson’s joker boasted in the trailer for the 80’s Batman film he was in. I didn’t watch this one, I think, so I never received his load? Wait. Was this one a porn? Jack Nicholson did porn in the 80’s? Someone’s yelling at me and confirming that yes, he did.
HEATH LEDGER: Heath Ledger was a great actor… In “Ten things I hate about you,” and some other stuff. As for his portrayal of the joker? I have no idea, because I didn’t see the movie. I’m guessing, though, that it didn’t reach the heights Cesar Romero did in the fun, camp, whacky version of the Batman universe, where he portrayed the “clown prince” in a way that was both camp, funny, and yes, even whacky.
JEFF REFFARD: Jeff Reffard is my neighbor who, like probably ten million other cake-humpers is planning to dress up as the Joker for Halloween this year. I’m going to guess his portrayal of the Joker will be pretty much exactly like everyone else’s and that he’ll probably try to do a stupid Joker laugh every time he sees people. Jeff’s like thirty something years old too. When do you stop dressing up for Halloween anyway? Fuck Jeff Reffard’s Joker is I guess what I’m saying.
THE WINNER: Cesar Romero, whose whacky, camp version of the joker brought fun and merriment with its camp whackiness.
THE LOSER: Although technically everyone besides Cesar Romero lost in this contest, Jeff Reffard is the true loser who I’m going to call out right now because he sucks so hard. At least those other guys whose movies I didn’t see were hired to play the Joker. Jeff hired himself and paid for a costume, which makes him the biggest loser of them all. Fuck Jeff. And fuck Jeff too.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. His views almost directly coincide with everything we believe in and cherish with no reservations or hesitation whatsoever. When he writes something, we just nod our heads before we even read it. He can be reached at email@example.com.