Ever watch a Lifetime or Hallmark Christmas movie and think, “This is kind of like a porn, only with just the acting”? Well, here’s your chance to finally do porn (without the sex part).
The Intergalactic Business Report’s proprietary “film to life” program has calculated the precise way for ordinary people like you to redo your life this holiday season and make it exactly like a bad movie you find in the upper channels of cable television. You’re welcome. Or maybe we should say, “Merry Christmas.” Or maybe we should have stuck with “You’re Welcome.” Whatever.
Just follow these twelve steps:
STEP ONE: Get a job that’s super vague but which also takes up most of your time. So much so, that everybody around you, including your not very funny but supposed to be funny friend (see below) keeps saying it's your entire life and all you care about.
STEP TWO: Find a best friend who’s not really interesting or funny but who is painfully trying to be both.
STEP THREE: Take the stance that you either hate Christmas, love Christmas (but really don’t and just say that because your job—that’s also your entire life—has something to do with Christmas so you have to constantly pretend it means something to you, but it doesn’t), or are indifferent to it, as in, “I can’t wait for this holiday season to be over so that everybody starts concentrating on work (your life) again.”
STEP FOUR: Find a dilemma or challenge that needs to be completed by or because of Christmas. For instance, tell your boss you’ll close the big deal, no problem, by the 24th. Or, you could volunteer to organize the office’s Christmas party (even though you hate Christmas) to show your boss how organized you are. Or, you could just say you’re going to evict, bankrupt, or ruin some small business owner just before the holiday, which could lead you right into step five.
STEP FIVE: Choose to evict, bankrupt, or ruin a hot guy/woman or his/her grandparents. This way, later, you can rescind your evil plans and by doing so basically force them to become your lover.
STEP SIX: Pretend to “bump into” the hot guy/woman and strike up a boring but stupid conversation that leads you into meeting again. Spill hot cocoa on him/her and then offer to pay for the dry cleaning because you’re so rich. Then mention how you hate Christmas or can’t wait for it to be over and wait for him/her to gasp and question how anyone could possibly think that. Walk away. As much as you want to stay and talk more about your hatred for the holiday, you need to leave him/her wanting more.
STEP SEVEN: Find some way to keep bumping into the hot guy/woman. A great way to do this is to engage in some kind of work with them. For example, you need help with the carpentry for the elaborate Christmas party you’re doing and of course the hot guy is a carpenter. Or, you go into the hot woman’s grandparents’ Christmas store to take notes on how they do things so you can steal all their ideas when you put them out of business and open your chain of corporatey Christmas stores.
STEP EIGHT: After working with the hot guy/woman for a while, go to dinner, kiss, but do not have sex. That’s just not permitted. But still kind of instantly fall in love. Make sure you stroll through a snow-covered park and see some Christmas carolers. Also, find out about your new lover’s childhood and how fucking important Christmas was to him/her.
STEP NINE: Soon after your little walk in the park, reveal that you’re bankrupting/evicting/ruining his or her grandparents. You could have your zany friend mention this by accident if that’s more dramatic.
STEP TEN: Separate from the hot guy/woman for a while and cry or visit the park again or talk to one of the Christmas carolers who for some reason dresses up like he’s from the nineteenth century and wanders around singing, without getting paid for it. Hold back any desire to question him on this, even though the story of how he got stuck doing this every year is way more interesting than finding out the meaning of Christmas. Listen vacantly as he babbles on about the spirit of Christmas. You’re good. Go to step eleven.
STEP ELEVEN: Don’t evict/bankrupt/ruin the grandparents. Even though you absolutely don’t give a shit about them and their stupid Christmas store, just don’t do it and make a big deal out of everything by announcing that you’ve changed your mind and discovered the true spirit of Christmas.
STEP TWELVE: Wait for the hot guy/woman to embrace/kiss you but wait till you’re married to have sex. Secretly plot to evict/bankrupt/ruin his/her grandparents next year, when you’ve realized what a pile of shit your life has become without your work, which was really your true love and not the meathead/naïve girl next door you gave it all up for. Go back to step one and don’t advance past it again. Just stay there. Maybe move to a new town so you don’t walk into Whole Foods and run into any of the people whose lives you’ve ruined.
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