February sucks. But at least there’s the Oscars. Except the Oscars suck too. So you have nothing. Still, for the next two days, all anyone will be talking about is who won the best foreign toilet documentary. Do you succumb to the pressure and watch? Or do you do what we recommend, and choose one of these life-affirming alternatives:
1. Call someone you know is super into the Oscars. Keep calling. Tell them you’ve been taken hostage but not to call the police because the guy said he’ll kill you if anyone does. Then say the guy also said they need to turn off the Oscars or they’ll kill you for that too.
2. Give yourself an award for eating the most King Dons in seventeen minutes.
3. Stand in front of a mirror. Watch yourself for however long the Oscars are on. Don’t move. Just stare. Stand. If you feel yourself falling or getting hungry, stop and go do that.
4. Aimlessly wander. Nobody does that anymore. Just leave your place and walk till you drop from exhaustion or meet people who put you in their car and take you somewhere, probably not to murder you, but who knows? You just met these people and they put you in their car.
5. Give yourself a standing fucking ovation. Yes. You fucking did it. Now you know what it feels like to give and receive a standing ovation at the same time. How many people can say they’ve had that experience?
6. Eat a King Don. Eat another one, but faster. Keep doing that. (See Number 2, above.)
7. Show your true disdain for the Academy Awards by trying to “wipe your ass” with it.
8. Have sex with a King Don. (If any are left over.)
9. Find out what it really takes to be “escorted by security” out of a shopping mall.
10. Find out what it really takes to be “forcibly removed” from a family video store.
11. Shave off the hair from the back of your head and draw another face on that. Now there are two of you.
12. Take an intense, but short-lived interest in robotics, which ends with you throwing a metal pipe at your neighbor, and your arguing with the cops that it was not a metal pipe, it was a robot arm.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.