Boston is a city torn between being a smart person place with quaint old bumpy streets and whatever Mark Wahlberg is. So if you’re planning a trip there, be sure to brush up on your bar fighting and history of people and books no one cares about.
But beyond the basics of Boston culture and life (old books and drunk fighting) there is so much more (like drunk fighting over old books, for example). The Intergalactic Business Report again uses its proprietary research to give you the knowledge you need to not only survive, but to thrive in Beantown and have the natives see you as one of their own.
These eleven tips will make every Bostonian your new brother or sister who has an awful accent everyone else in America hates.
1. Call it Beantown. That’s what the locals love and that’s what they call it. They love it so much that you should probably try to work it into all your conversations multiple times. Example: “Hey, Beantowner, I just got here to Beantown, and I wondered if you could direct me to the nearest Beantown pub so I can get drunk and fight you.”
2. The term “Beantown” actually comes from James “Beantown” Buttons, a revered Bostonian who married his own cat, named Mrs. Muffin, and announced, “Our great city of beans shall be called Beantown and we shall lie with cats!” This began Boston’s literal love affair with cats (see number four).
3. You may have heard they’re into the Patriots. They’re not. The Patriots are in Foxborough, Massachusetts, not Boston. While you may not want to talk ill of the Patriots when you’re in Foxborough, feel free to say things like, “Fuck the Pats” anywhere else.
4. The “Freedom Trail” is a popular journey you can take through the city. It celebrates Boston’s greatest cat molesters who came to Boston to find the freedom to molest cats.
5. Try to talk like them. When you approach anyone from Boston, just mimic their speech so that they feel comfortable around you. It’s tough at first because by speaking that way, you must slow your brain down to talk at a lower level of humanity. You may even find yourself feeling really dumb and stupid sounding. When you start feeling that way, you’ve done it. Congratulations!
6. Most Beantowners will admit that Philadelphia and New York are much better cities, even though Philadelphians eat horse shit after they win the Super Bowl. Go ahead and commiserate with people on this subject. Start by saying, “New York’s better than Boston, right?” Most Bostonians will groan and agree and then go on to mention a litany of other cities that are also better than Boston. When they get to Philadelphia, remind them that people there eat horse shit, literally. And that they’re still better.
7. Don’t come for Saint Patrick’s day. While the city was once known for its Irish Heritage, today it is mostly Albanian.
8. When one of the locals starts blathering on about the history of the city and blah blah blah, just put your finger over his mouth and say, “Shush. None of that matters.” That’s the best way to deal with the problem and most of them will just hang their head in shame and agree.
9. The biggest trending joke among Bostonians right now is that a female member of their family worked as a prostitute at some point. So, if you want to really fit in, just riff on this with them. Say, “Hey, I heard your mother is a prostitute,” or “Don’t I know your sister from her being a prostitute?” Get ready for people to laugh and buy you a drink. Want extra points? Say the joke in your best funny Boston accent.
10. Despite their reputation for fighting and drinking, most people from Boston are good at neither. If you want to have some fun, challenge one of them to a drinking and fighting contest and tell him you’re from wherever you are and you’re better than he is at everything. Most likely, he will run straight out of the bar in total fear of your superiority. But be judicious with this. You don’t want to empty out all the bars in Boston!
11. Hitler once said that his favorite American city was Boston. This was at a conference with Stalin, who nodded his head furiously in agreement. True story.*
*We firmly believe that truth is a choice and we chose it in this case.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.