June 7, 2018. “Research for love.”
Dear Intergalactic Business Report Forum:
I read your publication all the time and always thought the articles were fake. Then something happened that totally changed my mind.
Before I go any further, let me tell you a little about myself. I’m about six feet tall. I go to a small Midwestern college. Girls say I’m “cute” and I have a pretty good body. I work out. Whatever.
Anyway, one day I was at the college library, just doing some research for a term paper, when out comes this librarian who begins to “shush” me. Since I was making no noise, I was a little surprised.
Let me describe this librarian for a second. She was about five foot nine, brunette, and had lipstick all over her face, like she had tried to put it on but missed… A lot.
I asked if something was wrong with her. She looked like maybe she’d fallen off a bus or something. She said, sweetly, “Nothing’s wrong with me. I’m shushing you because I want to have sex with you!”
I slowly unzipped my pants, as seductively as I could. A crowd of students gathered around so I zipped them back up and pretended to be reading again. This really pissed off the librarian, who, as she got closer to me, I could see was a man. A man who had lip stick all over his face and had fallen off a bus or something. He was limping and snorted every time he stepped.
Suddenly I felt like my super cool sex encounter was now something else. I moved a few feet back and tried to reason with the librarian. I said, “Hey, this is a library. This isn’t a place for sex.”
But the librarian really hated that. He stormed towards me and the crowd of students cheered. In the end, I made a deal with the librarian that I would have sex with him if he helped me with my research paper.
The sex was pretty bad. Like the kind you regret before you even do it. And it turned out the librarian didn’t work there and was really bad at doing research. So I guess that was a bad move on my part. Oh well, that’s why you go to college, I suppose. To learn things.
February 1, 2019. “Like plumber, like son.”
Dear Intergalactic Business Report Forum:
I’ve always loved reading your sexy stories about men and women having sex, so I thought I’d tell you about my own experience, which I hope will fit right in.
I’m a female. Guys always say I’m “hot” and that I have a “dick sucker” face, whatever that means. I weigh practically nothing and I work out all the time. Kind of like what those girls who weigh nothing do.
Anyway, I was doing some Instagram modeling by my mirror when I suddenly noticed that someone was watching me. My roomates weren’t home, so I was like, “What the fuck?” and I turned to see it was the plumber.
“Anna said to fix the toilet,” he told me. “Oh,” I answered.
He was about fortyish, not much hair, and he kind of smelled like he worked on toilets all day. But something about him was sexy as hell. What was it, I thought? Then it hit me. He looked exactly like this fat old guy I had a thing for in high school—Mr. Davorak, the janitor.
I watched as the plumber worked. He really got his whole arm into the toilet. Some of the water splashed on his face and the light caught it just right, so that it almost looked like a teardrop under his eye. “He’s sensitive,” I thought.
“Do you need something?” he asked, when he noticed me standing there. Yeah, I need something, I thought. But I just said, “Sorry, you just look familiar.”
Then he turned and I saw his badge. It said, “Danny Davorak.” I was like, What????? This wasn’t the Mr. Davorak I had sex with in the boiler room of my high school. Was this one of his relatives?
Turns out he was Mr. Davorak’s dad. Yeah. His dad. And he was more like sixtyish and not fortyish. I remembered that my Mr. Davorak had said something really strange to me after having sex way back when. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but suddenly it had a lot of meaning.
He had said, “Anonymous, if you ever meet another dude in my family, I want you to have sex with him too.”
“Even if it’s your nasty dad or something?” I asked him.
“Especially if it’s my nasty dad,” he said.
I guess some things come full circle. Needless to say, Mr. Davorak’s dad and I had sex. And he didn’t even fix the toilet. But he said he’d come back next week. I’ll be ready!
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.