Are you just cool enough to have friends but also so uncool that you enter “Oscar pools” with people who actually watched all the movies? As an added reader benefit, the Intergalactic Business Report’s Bart DeLong gives you the answers you need so that you’ll be the star of this year’s nerdathon.
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE:
Antonio Banderas, Pain and Glory
Leonardo DeCaprio, Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood.
Adam Drive, Marriage Story
Joaquin Phoenix, Joker
Jonathon Price, the Two Popes
THE WINNER FOR BEST ACTOR:
Me, Acting Like I Give a Shit About the Oscars.
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE:
Cynthia Erivo, Harriet
Scarlett Johansson, Marriage Story
Saoirse Ronan, Little Women
Charlize Theron, Bombshell
Renée Zellweger, Judy
THE WINNER FOR BEST ACTRESS:
My college girlfriend, Pretending she loved me for two and a half years and then boning Jeff Werner in the bathroom at a house party. Whatever.
Once upon a Time… in Hollywood
THE WINNER FOR BEST DIRECTOR:
Me, Directing Your Mom’s Head Toward my Crotch.
Ford v Ferrari
THE WINNER FOR BEST PICTURE:
My 75 inch Flatscreen Not Showing the Oscars.
Bart DeLong is way cooler than you. Unlike you, he can introduce himself by saying, “Bart Delong. As in ‘dee long’ penis in my pants.” He’s tired of this shit. It sucks and it’s boring. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.