For years people who pretend they read a lot have told us William Shakespeare was either Francis Bacon, Edward De Vere, or an unknown writer whose identity has yet to be discovered. But new evidence sprayed all over the face of literature by the Intergalactic Business Report has revealed finally that, beyond any doubt, Shakespeare is not even a person, but, instead, what can only be described as “just a huge pile of shit.”*
At first, this may seem too hard to believe. How is it possible that all the plays, festivals, and movies where actors suddenly have English accents, all suck and suck hard? Ask yourself these 7 simple questions and you too will begin to question whether Shakespeare has any value at all.
1. When reading Shakespeare, do you ever just start thinking to yourself, “This sounds made up, like I could do this myself if I just started saying fake words and maybe prancing around as I said them”?
2. When you’re sitting there confused, does some asshole come over and try to “explain” it? Does he act like he’s really smart and say stuff like, “What Titus Andronicus is trying to say is…” and you feel like throat-punching him?
3. Do you ever watch a Shakespeare play and there’s supposedly something funny happening and you keep thinking to yourself, “That’s not funny”? But yet there are a bunch of people laughing and you’re pretty certain they have no idea what’s funny either, but they’re laughing anyway. Do you want to throat punch them?
4. Couldn’t the line, “Come hither, maiden, Iva blumpkin fer ye,” easily fit anywhere into any Shakespeare play?
5. Have you ever actually met anyone named Shakespeare? Was he a total dick?
6. If you’re someone who tells everybody how much you love Shakespeare, how would you feel if you died and heaven was just you watching Shakespeare plays? Would you wish you were still alive so you could stop telling people that and avoid an eternity of hearing fake-sounding words you don’t understand said by flouncy people in bloomers?
7. If you got to have dinner with Shakespeare, do you have the feeling you’d probably skip dessert and fake a headache so you could go home early? Would the main reason for this be that talking with this guy is so fucking boring you actually consider killing yourself in the restaurant bathroom just to avoid going back and talking with him?
*This is a direct quote from our source.**
**Our source is some guy we talked to in a restaurant.***
***Really, it was more like a bar.****
*****It could have been more of a crack house, where they served alcohol******
******By “serve” we mean, we found some forty ouncers lying around and drank out of them. In a crack house. And talked to some guy. Who told us this.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.