An open lettre to all English-type people. IBR publicly apologises to London. Vows to create new bridge between the magazine and limeys.
To say the relationship between the Intergalactic Business Report and Londoners has been rocky would be an understatement of the kind where a statement that isn’t quite true is stated anyway.
In the past, IBR has made claims about London, the country of England, and Great Britain that could only be categorized as false or misleading. This led many crotchstoffits (an idiomatic term Londoners call themselves) to name IBR writers as “twats” and refer to their writing as “utter crap.”
Now the online magazine has issued a public apology to all Britons* including those who speak like they are from the Hobbit movies. Supreme editor Dusty Latouffe issued the following open letter to all English-type people.
To my dear English friends:
I deeply regret if our past articles have offended any of you, and we vow to be not only more sensitive in the future, but also more accurate in our writings about your great land. We were dicks and we realize that now.
Like many Americans, I have always seen the U.K. as a magical place that took our language and made it flouncier. Personally, I have a great affection for England. I love English actors like the great Phil Collins and Gwyneth Paltrow, and have admired your country’s rich tradition of creating boy bands and television shows people pretend to have watched because they think their friends will find them more intellectual.
I also am a staunch admirer of those whacky hooligans whose words I can’t understand because it sounds like they’re eating their last prison meal while they yell at you. I think those guys are adorable. And who couldn’t fall in love with your charming tweed clothing and the way you speak without really opening your mouths all the way? It’s ventriloquism on par with Willy Tyler and Lester. Only it’s not Willy Tyler and Lester. It’s all of you! Amazing.
I guess what I’m saying is that I love you guys. I love England! And those other parts of England that you keep telling me aren’t England, like Wales and Scotland and Westeros. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot when the Intergalactic Business Report erroneously stated that McDonald’s coupons serve as British currency and that you love it when people call you “governor.” Again, our bad. We were dicks.
And this is why, today, we make a public vow to treat your country better and to celebrate it properly through accurate and sensitive reporting. To prove this, we hereby knight thee all high lord commanders of her majesty’s order of Victorian noblemen! Please rise!
Thanks again, English-type people. We hope this letter mends our relationship and leads us forward together.
With deepest respect,
Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, the Intergalactic Business Report.
*Briton is a stripper name in the U.S. but means “flaky cracker” in England. We aren’t sure why they call one another this, but they do for some reason.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.