In 2021, when the Intergalactic Business Report dedicated August as Drunk People Awareness Month, drunk people gained a powerful, loud voice to tell the world they are people too and that they need another drink. And if you don’t get them that drink soon, they will only get louder.
Fast forward to the end of August 2023 (now) and we see the progress drunk people have made in the two short years since this effort began. Before Drunk People Awareness Month, drunk people were seen primarily as useless, inebriated, castaways, whose only contribution to society was to slur words, stumble through bars, and get uncomfortably close to your face and continue to say, “Lissen.. Lissen…Lissen!” and then never get beyond that. Today, many drunk people are respected members of society, government officials, and even five-star Uber drivers. We like to think we’ve had a lot to do with that.
Despite these gains, there is still a battle over the perception of people who drink so much alcohol they see life through a different lens—a lens covered in beer and Cheetos and, yes, love. Drunk people bring excitement and purpose to our lives like no other group. They can make a tee-ball game a free-wheeling shouting match, and they can turn your daughter’s sweet sixteen party into a situation where some guy is taking a dump on the floor of your living room.
It is truly sad, however, that in America today, drunk people still have to fear persecution for simply being drunk and maybe shitting on your floor or starting a bar fight or maybe showing you their dick—or any number of actions that seem unforgivable to you, the sober person, while to them, the drunk person, it is simply an expression of love, goodwill, and the inability to find a bathroom. We’ve waited two years for America to fully recognize drunk people as equal to sober people and we feel we’ve waited long enough. Below, we list some basic demands we feel must be met for drunk people to finally have a seat at the table (at Denny’s. At 3 a.m.).
1. Recognize that drunk people are not “drunk” 24 hours a day.
Drunk people are often mischaracterized as alcoholics or chronic substance abusers. The drunk people we advocate for are the ones who simply drink way too much, even if it’s one time in their lives. This could be your wife, your boss, your grandmother, or your wife. Especially your wife.
2. Hold an annual “drunk people” parade every August.
Not to be confused with the Chicago South Side Irish Parade, this would feature out of control, intoxicated people whose charming but violentish antics are on display along a closed route for an audience of children and well-wishers. Basically, the Chicago South Side Irish Parade.
3. Showcase drunk people in a positive light on television shows and movies.
Television and movie executives should be strongly encouraged (possibly by a very drunk person) to greenlight productions that portray drunk people as leading men, serious business innovators, and trusted neighbors. Our own series idea, which features Fucky Arbuckle as the great-great-great grandson of Fatty Arbuckle who makes up for his ancestor’s checkered past by drinking so much he forgets who he is and then also invents stuff and manages a division of a major corporation, is available.
4. Make “town drunk” an actual paid position in every American municipality.
For larger cities, the title could be “city drunk” or “metro area drunk.” This would also segue well into a t.v. show (see above) in which we see an origin story for Otis Campbell, Mayberry’s town drunk.
5. Have a drunk person available as a representative if aliens ever visit our planet.
He doesn’t need to be THE representative. We just want him there to offer some quips or observations to our possible new overlords. Also, he could vacillate wildly between greeting them with total, unconditional love and vowing to fight them for looking at him the wrong way and suggesting they are better than him, causing aliens to say, "Fuck this" and return home. World saved. By drunks. You're welcome, Earth.
6. Establish a “meals on wheels” program for drunk people.
Not to be confused with DoorDash or Ubereats, this would be exactly like DoorDash and Ubereats only it’s open 24 hours a day, is totally government subsidized, doesn’t require tipping, and can’t, by law, follow any kind of rating system.
7. Provide “helpers” in front of every liquor store to assist wobbly drunk people to come and go in dignity.
Every drunk person in the U.S. should be able to enter a liquor store on sure footing and with the pride that comes with drinking 13 beers in two hours. At least two “no judgment” drunk care providers would be stationed in front of any store selling alcohol and would aid drunk people who enter and leave the premises by holding them up, interpreting their alcohol orders, and using a special government-issued card to pay for all expenses.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.